


a witcher walks into a coffee shop

by Marssparks



Series: O' Valley Of fanfics [3]
Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Attempted Sexual Assault, Awkward Flirting, Both Geralt and Jaskier need therapy ASAP, Coffee Shops, Domestic Violence, Dubious Consent, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eskel Needs a Hug (The Witcher), Geralt has ptsd, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia Whump, Good Parent Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Heavy Angst, Hurt Jaskier | Dandelion, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jaskier | Dandelion Loves Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Lambert Being a Little Shit (The Witcher), M/M, Not Beta Read, Original Character(s), Parent Vesemir (The Witcher), Past Abuse, Past Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg, Possessive Behavior, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Eskel (The Witcher), Protective Vesemir (The Witcher), Self-Esteem Issues, Seriously I torture them both here, Singer Jaskier | Dandelion, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Soft Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Soft Jaskier | Dandelion, Soft Lambert (The Witcher), Suicide Attempt, Texting, The abusive relationship tag is not between Jaskier and Geralt, These two need to sort out their shit, Verbal Abuse, War Veteran Geralt of Rivia, mentions of pedophila
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-04-23 00:55:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 28
Words: 136,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22230061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marssparks/pseuds/Marssparks
Summary: In which Geralt is a freelance mercenary, and Jaskier is an up and coming singer. Jaskier annoys the wrong people, and Geralt is hired to kill him.And in addition to absolutely no one's request, a coffee shop au!
Relationships: Aiden/Lambert (The Witcher), Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Tissaia de Vries/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg
Series: O' Valley Of fanfics [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1591981
Comments: 96
Kudos: 186





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The song Jaskier sings in this chapter is 'Almost' by Hozier. Enjoy :)

His orders were simple.

Make him fall in love with you. Then kill him.

A good ol' back stab, as his employer had said.

Geralt never usually did things like that, it was cruel, as if killing him isn't enough. But he needed the money, Ciri was finally, officially his. Papers signed and all. Which meant he needed the cash for the extra stomach to feed, to provide for her.

Yennefer used to look after Ciri mostly, she didn't want Geralt around her since she found out he was a mercenary. 

The divorce hurt. But it hurt Cirilla the most. She had already lost her first family, and now her second family had been split in half.

Shaking his head, Geralt pushed himself out of bed, and got dressed. Something casual.

He grabs his keys out of the ashtray next to his door, and leaves the apartment, walking down the road conveniently to his target.

A singer, apparently. He had slept with his employer, and then they broke things off, for 'classified reasons'. Angry exs weren't uncommon.

He enters the cafe his target was supposedly to be in, 'every morning' the singer came to this cafe.

It doesn't take long for him to set his eyes on him. He sat on a stool, at the corner of the cafe, playing his.. Lute and singing to the patrons. They didn't seem to appreciate the singing.

Geralt takes his eyes off Jaskier, and walks to the counter, ordering a coffee. It takes five minutes to make, and then he receives it. He sits down, and decided it would be suspicious if he stared at Jaskier the entire time. But he needed to bring him over here. 

So, to do that, he used a skill he had gained a while back. He stole, not so subtle, glances at Jaskier, and took long sips of his coffee. Eventually, as he planned, the singer approached. 

"everyone in this cafe doesn't hold back on their critic." Jaskier starts. "but you haven't said a single thing about my singing. Come now, don't keep a man with..a old sandwich from two weeks ago, waiting."

Geralt stares at him for a long time, but doesn't say anything, he purses his lips, as Jaskier gets ready to speak again. 

"three words or less. Come on." He takes a seat across Geralt at his own free will, inviting himself to sit.

Geralt pauses, recalling the lyrics of the singers song. "they don't exist"

"wha.. What?" Jaskier looks confused.

"the creatures in your song."

"no, of course not. It's my entire aesthetic for this album I'm making, mythical creatures and such." He gives Geralt a smirk. "so you talk, for a minute there, I thought you were a brooding mute. No offense to mutes, my dear friend has selective mutism—"

"I don't care." He huffs.

"oh." Jaskier hums, suddenly piping up again. "what's brought you to Merigold cafe? Did you hear of my great singing and came all the way from—"

"I wanted coffee."

"yes, good ol' caffeine.. They make the best coffee here. Oh! How rude of me, where have my manners gone, my name is Jaskier." He puts a hand out to shake across the table

Geralt stares at the bards hand, and fights between shaking it or refusing to. He remembers he needs to make this man fall in love with him. 

Ugh. 

He takes Jaskiers hand, and shakes it slightly. 

"Geralt." he tells the singer.

"wait wait- Geralt as in Geralt of Rivia?"

"that's.. Where I'm from? Yes? I don't see what this has to do with anything."

"my old agent spoke of you, he said if he ever needed anything done, he'd call you. The Witcher he called ya'." he huffs, "that guy was a dick, I did a bunch of sexual shit with him and when I broke it off he refused to be my agent anymore. Now I just sing at bars and cafes."

"Hm." Geralt huffs out.

"so, you must be a.." Jaskier whispers suddenly. "hit-man or mercanery?" 

"No" He states, firm, and ending any more questions.

"hm, sure" Jaskier rolls his eyes. "just my luck, you must have some pretty interesting stories."

"No." Geralt stares into Jaskiers blue eyes, and is surprised to find nothing but curiosity. No fear. That's a first. "you aren't scared?" 

"of course not, I have no reason to be. Unless you're going to jump across the table and slit my throat, but what's the chances of that!" Jaskier jokes, laughing gently. 

Oh if only he knew. 

"I should slit your throat, you talk to much" Geralt rolls his eyes, finishing his coffee. 

Jaskier chuckles, "I get that a lot. When I'm famous, my fans are going to have a lot of content of me just talking and blabbering on and on" 

"anyways, where are you going after this cafe?" Jaskier askes, almost flirtious. 

"to pick my daughter up from school" Geralt let's a smile twitch at the corner of his mouth, he missed her. 

"what school? My nephew attended Cintra high school before the head mistress passed away and the school was no longer funded. He attends Temeria High school now." 

"hm, my daughter attends the same one" Geralt stands, throwing away the cup. "I hope your nephew isn't as annoying as you, I'd feel bad for teachers."

"I'm about to go pick him up, we can walk together. It's around the corner anyways."

"you barely know me. Did your parents never teach you to not talk to strangers?" 

"My mother always said strangers are just friends you haven't met yet!" Jaskier exclaims as they leave the coffee shop. 

"your mother was niave and so it seems are you" Geralt sighs, continuing to walk, trying to pick up the pace to shake the singer off, but it didn't work.

"hey..!" Jaskier gasps dramatically, before grinning again. "you don't emote much, do you?"

"I wonder what gave you that impression."

Jaskier hums, "so, what's your dramatic backstory that made you a hitman, or whatever its called? Did you get abandoned at midnight as a child? Oh! Or, did your parents die and you became what you feared the most? Like batman!"

"Im not a superhero, so no." Geralt rubs the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger. "you don't have a nephew do you?"

"nope! Just wanted to follow you. Now that I say that outloud, it sounds really creepy. Please don't sue me, or take me to court or whatever, my lawyer has had enough and I'm too broke to even afford my own lunch"

"hm." Geralt comes to a stop as they reach the gate of the school. "what's the time?"

"2:40. Military time, y'know." He shrugs. "oh! Do you have any scars or anything?" 

"a couple. None of them are any of your business." 

Jaskier puts his hands up, as if surrendering. Suddenly Geralt hears a yell of 'Dad!' and someone rushing to hug him. He looks down at Ciri hugging him tightly, patting her back gently.

He kneels down to her height, cupping her cheeks, and stroking them with his thumb. "I missed you, little lion cub"

"I missed you too! Mommy said that you were too busy to pick me up today?"

"she did?" Geralt stands again, showing confusion on his face. He hadn't told Yennefer that.

"I did." He hears a familiar voice say. "I mean, you couldn't pick her up last week so how could I trust you to do it this week as well."

"I was busy and sent you a text that I couldn't get Ciri." Geralt huffs.

Jaskier, sensing the tension between the two divorced adults, and how Ciri was watching them concerned; took initiative while Geralt and Yennefer talked.

He sqauts down to Ciris height. "hey, kid" he starts. "I'm Jaskier. A friend of your dad's."

Geralt watches in the corner of his eyes how Jaskier talks to the girl softly, less energetic than before as to not startle her. He almost scoffs at 'friend' considering they had met not only an hour ago, and how the singer followed him like a lost puppy. 

"—I have to take Ciri to her self defense classes." Geralt interuppts Yennefer, "we can talk about this later, and in private."

He takes Ciris hand gently, and Jaskier stops squatting, looking at Yennefer for a moment. Usually he's be intrested in a women like her, but something about her pushed him away from hitting on her. 

"and you are?" Yennefer askes, raising an eyebrow. 

"Jaskier. Singer. Nice to meet you." he nods at her, looking at Geralt and Ciri, who were half way down the road. "ah! Geralt! Wait for me!" he yells, chasing after them.

After Jaskier had caught up to Geralt, the hitman sighs, ready to introduce him to Ciri, but he recalls Jaskier had already talked to Ciri just moments ago and there was no need.

"so, who's that angry lady?" Jaskier questions.

"my ex-wife. She works for the city council so I try to stay on her good side but she takes offense to every movement I do."

"thats rough, dude." Jaskier looks at his watch. "I have a job interview to go to in like 20 minutes, so I should head off. Call me." he slips Geralt a piece of paper, with a number written on it messily.

"adios, my good fellow and his princess!" Jaskier exclaims, turning, and walking away. He spins his lute around his body to his front and starts playing as he walks.

Geralt watches him leave for a moment, before looking down at the piece of paper with his number. He pockets it, and looks at Ciri.

"hey, little cub. Sorry I couldn't pick you up last week." Geralt looks at Ciri, squeezing her hand gently. "let's go to your favourite burger joint before your self defense class, a treat."

Ciri jumps in joy, and grins at Geralt, nodding in excitement.

* * *

_A week ago, _

"—listen to me!" the man yells. 

Jaskier stands there, unflinching. "don't yell at me" he sighs, taking a seat in his agents office.

"I have to yell when you aren't listening!"

"I'm not listening? What a joke! I'm always doing what you say, and whatever you want. I always listen to you, and where has that got me? It's got me shit, Feril." He crosses his arms, leaning into the seat.

"I'm working on a contract with a good company for you" Feril huffs, rubbing his temples.

"you said that four months ago!" Jaskier puts his arms in the air, yelling in frustration.

"now who's yelling?" The man glares at Jaskier. "you're lucky I don't come over there and slap you like last night."

Jaskier tenses slightly, putting a hand on his slightly bruised cheek. "why don't you, huh? Because there's cameras in here and your boss will see you? Are you scared? Huh?" He presses, angry.

"I swear to god, Jaskie—"

"I'm looking for my own apartment." Jaskier states bluntly, watching as Feril clenches his fists.

"You can't even look after yourself, what are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking that I don't need to be under your control anymore!" He snaps. "no more sexaul favours when I come home, no more asking you for money, mister millionaire!" 

"you've been talking to that lady again, what's her name— Truss? Triss?" 

"triss has nothing to do with this besides seeing you've been bad for me." Jaskier stands. "I'm finding a new agent. And maybe a day job." 

Feril stands as well, rounding the desk and coming closer to Jaskier. The singer flinches involuntarily as the well dressed man takes careful steps.

"my boss doesn't care, bitch" The man mutters, before punching Jaskier straight in the jaw.

Jaskier stumbles back but holds his stance. He tastes blood in his teeth, and spits it out onto the floor. 

"bye, Feril." He barges past his old agent, through the doors. He waves bye to the secretary, who he had become good friends with, and leaves the building; not looking back.

He would preform at Triss' cafe for a while, collect tips, and sleep at her place till he picked himself up.

* * *

_Present. _

Geralt didn't like getting to know his victims. 

The last time he did, was Renfri. 

He still wore heavy guilt for her blood being shed. 

So he was almost hesitant when he got the job offer about Jaskier. The kid was youthful and ecentric, it was almost refreshing, yet overwhelming.

Geralt wasn't much to show how he was feeling to anyone, besides Ciri. Ciri went to his heart almost immediately after seeing her when she was 10, at the Foster home. 

Now she was 14 and nothing had changed besides Yennefer's absence. A day had passed since meeting Jaskier at the café, and he really didn't want to go see the singer again.

So he didn't. He texted him instead, hoping that would suffice. He told his employer that he wouldn't be going to the cafe today, because he had to prepare Ciris room for when she finally moved in with him permanently in two days. He promised proof that he had texted Jaskier, so the man wouldn't suspect he was lying.

As Geralt walks into Ciris soon to be room, he starts assembling her bed frame, shooting a text to Jaskier before he got started. 

_[G] Hey. Its Geralt._

He doesn't get a reply for a while, so he suspects the singer is still asleep (at 11 am? sheesh.) 

It's a hour later when he finally answers, 

_[J] Yo! Are you going to be at merigold today?_

Geralt rolls his eyes at the text.

_[G] no. Busy. _

Jaskiers reply is almost immediate. 

_[J] Doing what? _

Geralt decides to take a minute from answering Jaskier to screw in the last couple bolts of the bed frame. 

_[J] hellloooooo? _

Geralt grunts, answering the singer finally. 

_[G] I'm finishing_ _off Ciris room before she officially moves in. making it more welcoming. _

_[J] do you want some help? _

Geralt ties his hair back, ready to reject Jaskier , but he remembered he needed to make this boy fall in love with Him. And okay, he'd admit it, the extra hand would help. 

_[G] I don't want help. but I could use it._

_[J] Great, what's your address, lʼll come right over!_

He sends Jaskier his apartment address, and makes quick work of cleaning up the couple of guns and knives he's left around the apartment. (he needed to clean those up anyways, he couldn't have those everywhere with a child living with him)

Before he knows it, there's a knock at the door, and Geralt notes that even the way Jaskier knocks is annoying. He opens the door for the singer, who invites himself in. 

"woah, Nice place. Its nice and cozy." he compliments.

"it's small." Geralt shrugs. "this place is only temporary though, until I get enough cash to move to a bigger place so Ciri can have more room"

He guides Jaskier to ciris soon to be room, "grab a paint brush, and start painting" he practically demands, opening the bucket of paint easily, and pouring some onto the paint tray.

They start painting the walls, and Geralt finds himself not listening to Jaskier constant talking. 

"I mean- we're friends, so you get it?"

"no, we arent." Geralt glances at Jaskier, who rolls his eyes at the response.

"personally I don't think you'd let a stranger come into your house to paint your daughters walls, so yeah, we're friends." Jaskier chuckles.

"I could have hired someone to do this if I wasn't balancing my finances. You're free labour" Geralt grunts.

"suuuure, Mr brooding. You don't have to admit it." Jaskier hums, "so, the walls are done, what now?"

"we wait for them to dry." Geralt glances at the bucket of paint. Quick drying. "I bought quick drying. Minimum 4 hours to dry."

"okay, cool, want to go grab lunch and then we can come back and finish this room up?"

"I'm on a diet" He makes up a quick excuse to not go.

"oh, okay, I know this really healthy place—"

"I'm cooking. For myself." Geralt drops the paintbrush, and walks out of the room.

Jaskier follows quickly, smirking at Geralt. 

"mind fixing some food up for me as well?" He tries to give the hitman puppy eyes.

Geralt stares at Jaskier for a moment, dismissing the thought of _what the fuck that's so adorable yet so stupid _and sighing.

"fine. Take a seat." He gestures to the bar stools at the kitchen islands.

Geralt takes some chicken breasts, cutting them, and begins to grill them. He knows Jaskier is watching him, thinking gods know what. 

"wow, this is domestic, isn't it?" Jaskier starts, grinning.

Geralt stops in his tracks, about to pop bread into the toaster , he glares at Jaskier.

"don't get the wrong idea."

Hell, he's hoping this boy doesn't fall in love with him, because something deep inside him doesn't want to kill him.

"hm,and what would that idea be, my dear Geralt?" He askes, teasing the man.

Geralt doesn't answer right away, finally putting the bread into the toaster, and putting the heat on the chicken to low. He takes out lettuce, tomatoes and cucumbers from the fridge along with some mayonnaise. He finally huffs.

"that I'm cooking for us as if we're a couple"

"hm, what a sight. Imagine it! You in a kiss the cook apron, and holding a spatula menacingly, making a meal for us and our ten children." Jaskier laughs.

Geralt can't help but let a low chuckle escape at 'ten children'.

"is that your idea of an ideal family? Two parents and ten children. I feel bad for whoever actually has to have your kids" Geralt takes the chicken off the grill after slicing the lettuce, tomatoes and cucumbers. He takes the now toasted bread slices and lays them out on two plates separately.

"hm, now now, don't speak as if it might not be you" Jaskier flirts, joking aimlessly.

"I'm a man. I can't even get pregnant. And if we did some how get in a relationship, I don't think I'd be the one taking it up the ass" Geralt finishes the sandwiches, putting Jaskiers plate infront of him.

"have you never—"

"shush, enough of that. Eat." He grunts to the singer, who immediately digs in.

As they eat, Geralt notices how the singer downs the food, barely taking time to even chew. 

"that was amazing."

"did you even taste it, you black hole?" Geralt smirks as Jaskier gasps.

"excuse me, I did taste it! I was just very hungry" Jaskier crosses his arms. "and maybe you're just a slow eater!"

"I like to take my time." Geralt takes another bite of his sandwich, and chews.

"well, whatever. Oh! Y'know, I finally might have a chance at working somewhere. I just need a day job till I can preform professionally."

"oh, where are you going to work?" Geralt needed to know this. He needed to keep eyes on his target at all times.

"why do you want to know? So you can kill me, mister hitman?" Jaskier says, almost seriously for a moment before laughing. "oh man, I can't hold a serious face saying that."

Geralt rolls his eyes, finishing his sandwich. 

"here, let me wash the dishes. You did cook, after all" Jaskier picks up his own plate and then Geralts, walking to the sink and beginning to wash the dishes. "I'm trying to get a job at the cafe from yesterday, the owner is a friend, so my chances are pretty high. My second option is at the grocery store."

"hm. Part time?"

"for the grocery store? Yeah. But for the cafe, definitely full time, it pays less than the store" Jaskier explains, he pauses, moving onto the other dish. "does being a hit-man for hire pay well?"

"you got it all wrong. A hitman and a mercenary, which is what I am, are two different things." Geralt crosses his arms. "taking someone's life isn't cheap, so I guess I get paid well."

"hm, cool. Why do you stay in such a small apartment then?"

"Yennefer took a lot of assets from me, including my house and a lot of my money in the divorce." Geralt huffs. "I found this place easily so I got it, plus it was cheap. At least I got Ciri under my custody"

"and she didn't tell the court you were a mercenary? If she did you know you wouldnt have gotten—"

"Yen isn't all evil. She knows I would put my life on the line for Cirilla." Geralt meets eyes with Jaskier. "why aren't you terrified of me?"

"because if you wanted to kill me, you would have done it already"

Geralt looks away from Jaskier, to his hands. Jaskier was too trusting. 

"oh and also, you're too handsome to be the villian in my story" Jaskier shrugs nonchalantly.

"your story?"

"y'know, my life— I'm kidding. I'm not that narsasistic. I had a friend in high-school who was so self absorbed, he called everyone who wasn't related into his life, background characters" Jaskier rambles, pushing himself up to sit on the counter.

"I'm surprised someone like you didn't drop out." Geralt rolls his eyes.

"well, I did. A year before graduation. I just wanted to hurry things up with my music career" Jaskier squints. "was that an attempt at an insult?"

"yes, and I'm surprised it flew over your head" Geralt stares at Jaskier questionably.

"do you ever kill people who did nothing wrong?" Jaskier askes suddenly.

"I kill who I'm paid to. I don't need context."

_That changed after renfri. _

Geralt closes his eyes, gritting his teeth. He didn't need to think about her right now. Fuck.

"Geralt?" Jaskier waves a hand infront of the witchers face.

Geralts eyes snap open, glaring hard and heavy into Jaskier.

"oh, wow, that's a face to scare" Jaskier laughs slightly. "why the.. Scary face?"

Jaskier describes him as scary, but he wasn't scared? Geralt couldn't wrap his head around this man.

"I- I take back what I just said. I don't kill people who don't deserve it. I have no idea of really knowing, but I read people well. I can tell when they deserve it or not." Geralt avoids eye contact.

"oh, and, how can you tell? Do I deserve to be killed?"

_No, you don't. _

"well, if you keep talking, then yes" Geralt groans. "do you always talk so much?"

"do you always not talk that much?" Jaskier retorts, sass lining his voice, grinning. "how long as it been since we painted the room?"

"an hour. And twelve minutes."

Jaskier groans loudly. "this is so boooriiinnnnggg" he whines. "I really want to play some music"

"play that damn lute and I will break it." Geralt huffs. "you can go of you're so bored."

Jaskier gets ready to hop off the counter, before feeling something under said counter. He puts his hand under, and takes it out. 

"a dagger?!" Jaskier exclaims. "why do you have a dagger under the counter!"

Geralt looks at him as if he's asking if this is what hes really freaked out about. A thought suddenly pops into his mind. 

"I have a question, Jaskier."

Jaskier gently puts down the dagger ontop of the counter, eyeing the silver wearily. "what?"

"why do you talk about my occupation so casually? Why aren't you, I don't know, telling the police?"

"I mean, I grew up around death, and people killing each other. I lived in a small isolated town before moving here, there was disease left and right, and if you got on someone's wrong side, there were barely any laws stopping you from killing someone. So, you can probably assume why I left"Jaskier chuckles, rubbing the back of his neck. "you have a daughter, Geralt. And you seen genuinely like a good person behind all the brooding, I mean, I've only known you for a day, and I can tell."

"hmm." Geralt looks at the floor. "you can play your lute. And sing. Just nothing too distasteful."

"personally I love all types of music!" he exclaims. 

Jaskier spins the lute around his body from his back, adjusting the strap, fingers strumming, the song sounds barely familiar and Geralt can't place where it's from it. 

"the same kind of music.. haunts her bedroom," the lyrics tune into Geralt brain a bit more, he finally starts listening while Jaskier is midway through the beginning of the song. "I'm almost me again, she's almost you" He sings tenderly.

Geralt wouldn't admit it, but his singing was well, and the mercenary was almost fond of it. 

Jaskier's singing is interrupted by a knock at the door. Huh, Geralt hadn't expected anyone. Geralt focuses his hearing at the door, now, and hears the clock of a gun. 

"Jaskier." He grabs the singers lute, stopping him. "I need you to go to my room, the one you passed by on the way to ciris, and lock the door" he whispers. 

Jaskier looks confused, but doesn't say anything, nodding nervously. He slowly makes his way to Geralts room, with his lute clutched close to his hand. 

Geralt grabs the dagger from the counter, and approaches the door, looking through the peephole. 

Ugh, it was one of the men he had refused to take a job from. 

Great. 

Geralt goes behind the door, opening it, and when the man steps through, holding his gun, ready to shoot, Geralt is almost immediately pouncing onto the man. The knife is almost piercing the man's throat before he pulls back from it, sliding under it, and further into the apartment. He puts his gun up at Geralt. 

"Witcher." He hisses at Geralt. 

Geralt grunts, ready to knock this man off his feet before he freezes when there's a loud creak from his room. Damn it, Jaskier. 

A round is shot, and Geralt barely has time to move, but it barely grazes him. He moves forward with his dagger, doing his best to move in a zigzag pattern to avoid any bullets. 

He's ready to pounce onto the man, before there's a bullet in his leg, he yells out, kneeling to the floor, but keeping a tight grip on the dagger. He needed to protect Jaskier.

_Fuck, when was he ready to sacrifice himself to save the damn singer? _

The man puts the gun to his head, smirking, ready to pull the trigger. Geralt didn't fear death, so he wasn't particularly terrified. 

Suddenly, there's a bang, and a thud. Jaskier had knocked the man out with his (now pretty broken) lute, the singers face red, and nervous, but still not terrified. This man had no fear, it seemed. 

Geralt finally drops the dagger, groaning as he fully comprehends that hes hurt. 

"ohmygod! You're bleeding! We need to take you to a hospital—"

"first aid kit, bathroom, bring it here." Geralt hisses, getting in a more comfortable position. He looks at his injury. 

Bullet wound to the thigh. 

It wasn't going to be the first time treating his own wounds. 

Geralt grits his teeth as Jaskier stumbles back with the first aid kit, kneeling besides the mercenary gently. 

"take off your pants." Jaskier demands, suddenly serious.

Geralt removes his leather tight trousers, revealing the wound. Thankfully, it wasn't deep, and would be an easy repair. Geralt huffs.

"disinfect the wound before removing the bullet." he tells Jaskiers. 

"I know." Jaskier takes a cotton ball and puts some rubbing alcohol on it, gently applying it to the wound, hesitating when Geralt hisses lightly at the stinging. "I just did a quick google search while I was grabbing the first aid kit" 

Geralt grunts, and Jaskier takes the surgical tweezers out of the first aid box, using his index finger and thumb to spread the wound wide open to help him remove the bullet, he slowly, with surprisingly steady hands, removed the small ammo from Geralts thigh. 

"okay, uh, I didn't read further than this. I was panicking" Jaskier looks up at Geralt for help. 

"Stitches." He stares back at Jaskier, calm, and collected.

Jaskier nervously nods, hands suddenly trembling as he grabbed the stitches and needle. He takes a deep breath, and calms himself down, focusing on Geralts wound. 

If Geralt wasn't bleeding, he'd be concerned about how Jaskier was about to have a panic attack. 

He guides Jaskier through doing the stitches, when the singers hand becomes unstable, he puts his own on top of Jaskiers, and helps him,and soon enough, the stitching is done. Geralt lifts up his leg as Jaskier wraps around a roll of bandages around it. 

"now, uh, what are we going to do about that guy?" Jaskier immediately askes, gesturing to the knocked out, head broken open, man on the floor. 

"we're not going to do anything. I'm going to hand him over to a good friend who wanted his head for a while."

"oh, okay" Jaskier closes his eyes, sighing and catching a steady breath. "my lute is broken" he chuckles. 

"I owe you. I'll get you another one so I'm not forever in your debt" 

"you should heal, first." Jaskier stands, offering a hand to Geralt, who refuses his hand.

Geralt slowly stands, putting his leather trousers back on painfully. "where's my phone?" he looks through his pockets. 

Jaskier finds it on the kitchen counter, and passes it to the witcher. The mercenary calls someone, mumbling the man's name and how said person should arrive soon to pick him up. 

"is.. Is he dead?" Jaskier refers to the body on the floor. 

"no, just some massive head trauma." Geralt grunts, limping slightly to sit down, keeping his eyes on the body. 

The door to the apartment was wide open, so Geralt's friend didn't knock. 

"mousesack, finally. Take the body and get out of here." Geralt speaks roughly. 

"I've been hunting this man for years and suddenly one day, woop, you hand him to me on a silver platter? What in the world happened?" Mousesack shakes his head, staring at the body. 

"he wanted a fight. So I gave it to him." Geralt shrugs. 

"I helped" Jaskier shrugs, smirking slightly. 

"oh, and who's this new fellow?" He glances at Geralt before taking Jaskiers hand to shake. "nice to meet you, I'm Mousesack." 

"Jaskier." the singer shakes his hand, "are you a mercenary too?" 

"ah, ex bounty hunter actually, now I tutor kids. But I help the police every now and then with hunts, like this guy." He explains, smiling. "and just because I help the police doesn't mean I have to be Geralt's enemy." he stops any of Jaskiers questions. 

"I'm going to take this man back to my car, then to the station. Thank you, Geralt." Mousesack takes out a pair of handcuffs and handcuffs the man, hoisting the man to his limp feet, and dragging him to his car. 

Jaskier sighs, and Geralt grunts, analysing Jaskier for a moment. 

He was only really terrified when Geralt was injured. 

How odd. 

"Jaskier." Geralt says, gesturing for Jaskier to approach him. "you should go home, rest".

Jaskier takes a couple steps closer to Geralt, "_I_ should rest? My dear, you have a bullet in your thigh."

Pet names. Geralt notes, he's using pet names. But it didn't seem like it was anything crush related.

"here, let me take you to your bed" Jaskier insists, pulling Geralt off the stool; despite being Geralt being fully confident he could walk, with limp at best.

So he takes Geralt to his room, and lays him down in his bed, drawing the mercenaries hair back and tying it up to keep it out of his face.

Normally, Geralt wouldn't let anyone (but Ciri when she insists she wants to do his hair) touch his silver locks, but Jaskiers fingers with moving with gentle intent, and he didn't see the harm if letting him make him get comfy.

"do you want anything?" Jaskier askes. "pain meds? Tea? Coffee?"

"pain killers." Geralt admits, grunting out the answer.

Jaskier nods, leaving the witcher to go look for said meds, and when finding them, comes back with them and a glass of water in hand. There's no hesitation as he helps Geralt take the pills, and Geralt still can't possibly fathom how this man was so gentle and caring for someone as big and rough as Geralt. 

It had been a while since someone looked at him like that. No fear.

Geralt had been so deep into thinking he hadn't even realised Jaskier had been talking this entire time. He only snaps out of his thoughts when Jaskier waves his hand infront of his face and askes him if he's getting tired.

Geralt shakes his head. 

"I'm fine." He tells the singer.

"I was asking you a question and you were completely zoned out — anyways, as I was saying, would you like me to stay to aid you or shall I leave?"

As much as Geralt, admittedly, appreciated Jaskiers motherly nature to tend to him and take care of him, he'd rather some privacy and alone time.

"you can leave. I'll text you. Or call you"

Jaskier nods, offering Geralt a smile, who gave him a nod in return.

"rest well, witcher." He smirks. "I'll send a check up text to make sure you didn't die in like, two hours" he goes towards the bedroom door. "bye, Geralt"

Geralt grunts as Jaskier leaves, and as he hears the front door of the apartment shut.

_Fuck_, the singer was definitely falling in love. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Geralts leg gets better, and he finally finishes ciris room. Cirilla moves in with Geralt, and to celebrate, they go to Merigold cafe for cake and drinks. 
> 
> Jaskier is there, singing. Ciri insists he comes sit with them and have cake. They talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of past abuse, unhealthy relationships, and bruises.
> 
> Enjoy :)

Geralt sighs through his nose as he finishes Ciris room, feeling proud at how well it turned out. And just in time, as well, as Ciri was coming today with her suitcases and stuff.

As Ciri walked through the door, Geralt takes her suitcases off her hands, and tells her to go to her room to get adjusted. Yennefer dropped her off, she looks at Geralt; squinting.

"I hope you cleaned up all of your weapons. I swear, if I hear one word from Ciri about a gun, I will take her off your hands before you even know it." She crosses her arms.

Geralt grunts, and rolls his eyes. "Bye, Yennefer." He closes the door in her face, and turns around, walking to Ciri, who was excitedly sitting on her bed and looking around the room.

"this room is amazing!" She grins at him, "thank you so much"

Geralt smiles at her gently, putting down her suitcases. "we can unpack later. How do you want to celebrate your moving in with me?"

"cake!" She exclaims, "I want cake! Yennefer never let's me have cake unless it's my birthday"

"hm, okay, cake it is, Princess. I know this good cafe that sells cake. Let's go" He ruffles her hair gently.

It isn't long before they find themselves in the cafe, and ordering two caramel chocolate cake slices for the both of them. They take their slices, and sit at a table next to the window. 

As they get ready to talk, Ciri points to the corner of the cafe where Jaskier was getting ready to sing.

"where do I know him from?"

"he saw you a couple days ago" Geralt explains, taring his eyes away from Jaskier. "he's..a friend."

They stop talking for a moment as Jaskier sits on the stool, unaccompanied by his lute, and Geralt is reminded he needs to buy him a new one.

Geralt hears mutters around the cafe, a old couple next to him and Ciri saying 'this man again?'. He didn't think these people appreciated Jaskiers singing.

"so, uh," Jaskier starts. "I know you guys don't like my songs, so I'm going to do a couple covers. And, oh! I'm going to work here at Merigold full time, so I won't get to sing as much for you lovely people." He announces.

No one says anything, most of the people here having headphones in their ears as they work.

Ciri begins to take a bite of her cake as Jaskier starts singing, soft and tender, emotion in his words. 

Geralt doesn't realise he's watching the singer tentively till their eyes meet. He looks away quickly, looking at Ciri instead, and giving her a reassuring smile.

"I'm not one for sweets, Ciri, so I'm not quite sure why I got myself a cake" He mutters. "if you want mine, you can have it"

Ciri nods hesistatantly.

"Well, I had a man, who was long and tall.. He moved his body like a cannon ball..Fare thee well, my honey, fare thee well" Jaskier sings, seemingly trapped in his own voice.

Geralt recognises the song. He's not quite sure where from, but it feels familiar. Oddly so.

"Geralt..?" Ciri speaks softly. "you're watching him"

Geralt blinks once. He grunts. She smiles softly.

"I'm glad you made a friend" she nods. "I never see you interact with anyone anymore, and I.. I cant help but worry."

He cups her cheek.

"I'm fine, Cirilla." He tells her softly. "as long as your safe, I'm happy, okay?"

She nods slowly. "I want to stay for a bit longer. Can I get a hot chocolate?"

Geralt nods, taking out his wallet and giving her the money to go buy a regular hot chocolate. She leaves the table, and makes her way to the batista to order. 

Geralt takes his phone out, another text from his employer. 

_[?] any developments?_

_[G] the job should be done soon. You were right. He falls in love fast._

_[?] I'm surprised he hasn't slept with you yet._

_[?] I want him to really hurt. I want him to feel the betrayal I felt when he left me._

_[G] and how do you want me to achieve that? Isn't this enough?_

_[?] do you always ask these many questions?_

_[G] yes. Why do you want him dead anyway?_

_[?] he was really talented, he was. And I was going to get some of his money when I got him famous. Now he's gone from my grasp. No Jaskier. No money._

_[G] your orders are for me to make him fall in love with me, and then kill him, right? Do you want his death slow? _

_[?] definitely. I have to go. _

[G is offline]

[unknown number is offline] 

Geralt looks up from his phone as Ciri comes back, sipping her hot chocolate contently. The singing stops after a while, and Geralt sees Jaskier make his way over with a prep in his step. 

"Hello, White wolf, and his fair princess" Jaskier greets, and Geralt raises an eyebrow at the nickname.

Ciri invites Jaskier to sit and offers him the uneaten cake left by Geralt. He doesn't refuse, actually accepting it gratefully.

"you remember me, Right?" Jaskier askes Ciri, mouth full of cake.

"yep. Jaskier." She confirms, not minding the talking with his mouth full. She lived in a Foster home with messy kids for two years since her grandmother passed.

"Jaskier." Geralt starts, voice firm, and notes how the singer flinches slightly, but keeps a wide smile. "don't talk with your mouth full"

"hm, right" He swallows the bite of cake he just took, "sorry, where ever have my manners gone? This reminds me of this pig I used to live next to, now, no judgement, but I think he had a hoarding issue and his apartment smelt horrid—"

And so, the chatter begins. Jaskier talking eccentricly, and Ciri listening while Geralt half listened. 

"what do you think, Geralt?" Jaskier pokes Geralts forearm to catch his attention.

"huh? Oh, uh, yes." he answers, trying to avoid conversation.

Jaskier hums, seemingly satisfied by the answer. "anywho, my shift starts in two minutes so I better go get ready." he stands, taking the empty plates where the two slices of cake were and going behind the counter.

"he's very, ah.. How do I say this.." Ciri starts.

"annoying?"

"no! Don't be so rude! He's very energetic. Quite your polar opposite, I'm surprised you two got to know each other"

"he approached me. We talked, and.. Hm" Geralt shrugs.

Ciri takes a sip of her hot chocolate, and a familiar face walks out from behind the counter. Triss Merigold.

She approaches the two, and invites herself to a seat, offering them a smile.

"Geralt, its been a while" She greets. "and you must be Cirilla, I've heard so much about you from your mother."

"you aren't here on behalf of Yennefer, are you?" Geralt squints.

"no, good gods no, im not getting in the middle of your lovers quarrell. I'm actually here about your intentions with my friend.. Jaskier." her face suddenly drops the smile, and her body language speaks 'protective'

"they're friends?" Ciri raises an eyebrow.

"ah, Ciri, can you go to the kids section of the cafe? Play with some of the other kids." Geralt could tell this conversation with Triss wasn't going to be very child friendly, and he'd like Ciri to avoid any knowledge of his job..

Ciri pouts but nods, she takes her hot chocolate and goes to play with some of the puzzles in the kids corner. 

"what do you want with him, white wolf?" She askes, voice soft yet unyielding.

Geralt remembers when Triss came to him with the same tone, asking for him to save a girl instead of killing someone. After much time, he agreed. And that's how they became friends. 

Geralt doesn't answer her, so she figures it's up to her to continue.

"listen, Geralt. I've known Jaskier for a long time. I've seen him get through some tough times, hell, I met him because he was living outside of this coffee shop on the streets. He's worked so hard to get to where he is now, and I don't want anyone, especially you, to ruin that." She folds her hands over each other. "he's niave, and falls in love, whether plationcally or romantically, really easily."

Geralt knows this. He sighs. 

"his ex came to me." He admits. "I refused the job" he lies. "but I fell into the temptation to know who he wanted dead so badly. I assure you, I won't bring harm to Jaskier."

Triss clenches her jaw at the mention of Jaskiers ex, but relaxes at the rest of Geralts confession.

She smiles softly at him. "thank you. For rejecting it. His ex..i don't think I'm in the position to tell you their past together. Jaskier will tell you when he's ready. Just know I'm happy they're not together anymore."

Geralt slowly nods, and vaguely gets what she's trying to say. She sighs through her nose, and stands, brushing dust off his apron.

"I'll tell Yen you're looking after Ciri just fine" She nods to Geralt. "if you need a drink, I'll make you one on the house right now. Limited time offer" She smirks.

"Black coffee, half a sugar packet" he tells her, a smile curling at the corner of his mouth.

She nods, and goes behind the counter again, and as she leaves, Ciri comes back. 

"can we go home? I finished all the puzzles and the little kids are calling me a genius. It's making me uncomfortable" She begs.

"I just ordered a coffee." Geralt hums, "let's talk about your self defense classes till it comes" 

* * *

They make it back home around two hours later, and Ciri is tuckered out. It wasn't even 7 pm, but shes had a tiring day considering.

He takes her to her room and tucks her into her bed gently, pressing a kiss to her forehead, and genuinely smiling at her. 

"love you." He tells her softly.

"love you too" she dozes off before finally sleeping.

Geralt decides to change into his home clothes, a pair of loose trousers and t-shirt, he avoids looking at his scars as he changes, and finally leaves his room to go to the living room. He takes a seat on the sofa and takes out his phone. He's got a couple messages from Jaskier.

As Geralt opens the messaging app, and presses into their chat, he's immediately greeted by a selfie of Jaskier in pajamas, sprawled over his own bed, throwing up a peace sign near his cheek. 

_[image sent] _

_[J] my shift is finally over_

_[J] I'm so happy right now_

_[J] I'm glad I got to talk to Ciri properly today, she's very smart for her age._

_[G] her first family made sure she got the best education possible._

_[J] I knew mentioning Ciri would get you on here in two seconds flat_

_[J] I out thunk you_

_[G] I'm pretty sure the saying is outsmarted_

_[G] is thunk even a word?_

_[J] I have no idea, no matter, I still trapped you into talking to me_

Geralt smirks as he turns his online status to offline, and his eyes widen slightly at the spur of messages Jaskier sends. 

_[J] nooooo_

_[J] gerallltttt come back_

_[J] I didn't mean itttt_

_[G] I was just proving to you that you couldn't trap me into a conversation_

_[J] rude_

_[G] out thunk._

_[G] still shocked how you typed that instead of out smarted._

_[J] did I make you lol?_

_[G] you got a chuckle out of me, yes_

_[J] yussss_

_[J] anywhoo_

_[J] i miss youuu_

_[G] you saw me not even a couple hours ago_

_[J] I mean like we need to have a date_

_[J] I mean_

_[J] a hang out just me and you_

Despite Geralt already seeing the text, and Jaskier knowing he's seen it already, he deletes the 'have a date' message.

_[G] time and date_

_[J] ahhehh_

_[J] don't pressure me like this_

_[G] fine I'll decide. Saturday, 6 pm_

_[G] you don't work then, do you?_

_[J] I work half days on Saturdays, I finish at 5_

_[J] so 6 is perfect :)_

_[G] good_

Geralt isn't quite sure why, But Jaskier never replies that night, but his status says online. He doesn't fret over it too much, knowing the singer, he probably got distracted. 

* * *

But he didn't get distracted.

Jaskier's mood from messaging Geralt falters as he gets a text from a familiar number. Feril. He didn't block him, but he really should.

[F] I'm sorry

[J] too late. Fuck off.

[F] take me back

[F] and you'll live

[F] happier, I mean.

[J] I'm pretty sure I'm happier as it is

[J] and healthier.

[J] no more hospital visits.

[F] you know I never meant to ever hurt you

[J] the multiple pictures I have as evidence say otherwise

[F] you took pictures of your bruises? What the fuck for? Where you going to show them to the police?

[J is typing]

[...]

[...]

[J] no

[F] its almost funny how I used to love someone like you

[F] you think I hurt you? I was just defending myself from you

[J] that's not true. I never hurt you

[F] you manipulated me and took advantage of my feelings

[J] I would never hurt you the way you hurt me

[J] never in a million years, never to anyone

[J] this is enough. I broke things off so this, these conversations, would stop

[J] I broke things off because of your manipulation

[J] don't ever message me again

[J is offline]

Jaskier slams his phone down on his blanket, it doesn't make much of an impact, but he needed it away from him right now. 

He puts his hands over his face, and takes in a deep breath. He was fine. He was going to be fine. 

Feril couldn't hurt him anymore. 

And he should be happy.

But why isn't he happy? He depended on Feril so much for his happiness, the small memories in the beginning of their relationship were so happy.

He wanted to move on. 

With someone. Someone who could help him move on healthily.

_Geralt. _

No. He— he just met Geralt. 

But he was kind behind all the brooding. He tried to protect Jaskier when that man with the gun came into Geralts apartment. 

The sudden itch to write a song about Geralts heroics come to his skin but he doesnt have his lute because he broke it saving Geralt. 

Fuck. 

Well, he could still compose, but it would be less satisfying. 

He grabs a pen and his note book, and begins to write, through error and error, he kept trying. 

He takes into consideration the theme of fantasy and creatures this EP was going for.

And so, 'toss a coin to your witcher', is composed.

He still needed to work out the proper cords and redraft it a couple times, but he liked it so far.

He slowly takes his phone, and texts Geralt quickly. 

_[J] how much cash can you spare?_

_[G] I'm assuming this is about your lute_

_[G] 200_

_[J] I can probably pay the rest_

_[G] how much is that?_

_[J] 400, in total 600_

_[J] that's cheap for a lute. The man who sells them to me is my friend so I get a discount_

_[G] it's late_

Jaskier furrows his eyebrows, looking at the time. Huh. It seems he'd been composing for a long time.

_[J] I have a surprise for you_

_ <strike>[J] but you should sleep. Goodnight, Geralt, <3</strike> _

_[J] but you should sleep. Goodnight, Geralt._

_[G] night, Jaskier._

* * *

The next day comes fast, its a Friday, and Jaskier forces himself up with the motivation of _actually getting paid _for once by the end of the week.

It doesn't take long to get ready for work, but when he arrives, he can already see the sudden rush of adults coming in and out for the morning coffee rush. He puts on his apron, specialised with his name sown into it. He quickly takes orders and starts making them, the occasional flirt of women and men asking for his number alike and what he's up to late. The only time he flirts back, is when it's Geralt on the other side of the counter, asking for a black coffee. Before a word comes out of his mouth, Triss grabs Jaskier and pushes him away from the counter, asking for them to switch on making the coffees.

Jaskier pouts and makes a silly face at Geralt, grinning suddenly when he sees Geralt rolls his eyes. He begins to make the orders, and looks over worryingly when Triss freezes, and he sees her tremble. But not with fear, but rather with anger.

He approaches her, putting a hand on her waist comfortably, no hidden intentions behind the touch but to comfort her. He looks at who shes so god damn angry at, and he clenches his fists tightly when he sees Merigold cafe's competitive rival's manager, the nilfgaard cafe, Fringilla Vigo.

"ah, I can take this, Triss" He assures her, he knew she had some hot blood with Vigo after she asked some men to vandalise the cafe.

"Miss Vigo," He greets, "finally sick of your shitty coffee and decided to come try ours?"

Fringilla scoffs, and some of the parents cover their kids ears, and make a remark. 

"I'm just here to see the new barista. I suppose that's you. You could always come and work for Nilfgaard, we have higher wages"

"higher wages in price of what? The price of overworking your staff and tiring them out. No thank you, I'd rather stay here with a friend and owner who actually cares about their staff" He bites back.

"our staff are perfectly happy"

"For a coffee shop you sure do put up a good front. I know what you're really doing behind the scenes" He hisses at her, and she narrows her eyes at him.

It wasn't obvious, but he could tell the coffee shop was just a front for something illegal. He happened to see something his old agent told him to forget if he wanted to stay alive. Looks like that's out of the question.

"and listen, my _dear_, if you dare even have one of your men or whatever come to try to threaten me, or lay a hand on me, I've told someone that if anything happens to me, the blame should immediately go to you." he sighs. "now get out, you're not welcome here."

Vigo clenches her jaw, but stays completely stoic, she turns on her heel, and leaves. 

Jaskier deflates, and smiles softly at Triss; who offered him a reassuring smile. He continues to work the register as Triss handles the orders.

Good gods, why was everything suddenly on his case?

The rest of the day passes quickly, and pretty good if he admits, and right before his shift ends, he gets to sing. 

He takes off his apron and puts it on the hanger in the back, rushing to the stool in the corner of the cafe and clearing his throat. 

The patrons of the cafe don't complain, for once, as he sings, and when he finishes; there's a few claps.

He waves goodbye to Triss, and is ready to go home to make lunch.

He really didn't expect to see that Yennefer lady, again, but he bumps into her, and offers her a apology when she scoffs and looks at him up and down, again, like last time.

He could tell she didn't like him.

"ah, I didn't get to really talk to you well enough last time. Im Jaskier—"

"I remember your name, no need. I'm sure you remember mine." She hums. "you're a.. acquaintance of Geralts right?"

"friend, more like it" He beams happily.

"Geralt doesn't have friends, I'm sure you're mistake. All he does is—"

"sit and brood, I know" He completes her sentence.

She smirks at him, and uncrosses her arms.

"so what, did you follow him around like a lost puppy until he finally gave into you?"

"pretty much, yep" He rubs the back of his neck, but his smile doesn't disappear.

"hm" She mutters, quirking her eyebrow at Jaskier.

"how did you meet Geralt?" He askes, curiously, and he leans back slightly; balancing on the balls of his feet.

She suddenly scowls, "that's a story for him to tell you." She huffs, "I must be off, reminder to vote for Tissaia for council lead this weekend" she tells him, before rushing off.

Jaskier takes track to his (and triss') apartment, and takes out the key, walking in, and taking off his shoes at the door.

He needed to prepare himself for the date— hang out with Geralt tomorrow. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nearing the end of this chapter, I found I wanted to involve a lot more context than just focusing on the main ship, if you get what I'm trying to say.
> 
> Thank you for reading, and leave a comment :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaskier sees his ex. 
> 
> Geralt and jaskier go on a 'date'
> 
> Ciri is in trouble, and Geralt has a nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy :)

"so, what, it's a date?" Asked Triss, fixing her apron on her body.

It was Saturday, opening morning of Merigold cafe, and Jaskier was behind the counter, making himself a iced coffee, he had just explained his plans for today with Geralt to Triss, and had stuttered over the word 'date' multiple times on accident.

"i— no. Well, yes.. But at the same time no?" Jaskier takes a sip of his iced coffee.

"I think its definitely a date." Triss grins, "Saturdays aren't too busy, so if we don't have that many customers, I might let you off an hour early to get ready"

"it's not a date, I know when I have a date, and plus, I just met Geralt" He hums, stirring his coffee and watching as the ice clinked to together and moved around the tea spoon.

"well, whatever it is, don't rush yourself into it." She smiles at Jaskier. "you just—"

"I know." Jaskier cringes, knowing what she was about to say. It was the same thing she said every time he met someone.

He was thankful for triss, really, but he didn't want to be babied. He's a responsible— well, perhaps responsible is a step too far. He's an adult, and he didn't need someone overseeing all his relationships.

He knows his own limits. But maybe Triss had a point. It wasn't too long ago he was in a relationship with someone who wasn't good for him, and, admittedly, he rushed into his relationship with Feril. Maybe it was time to take things slowly.

"I know—" he repeats, "you're right. I shouldn't rush into things. I just can't help it. And Geralt being amazing doesn't help. Like, have you seen the dude? All muscles and brooding."

"its almost 11 am. That's when he comes in to get his black coffee every day." Triss notes, "I make sure to remember regulars orders, especially when they're my friends."

"on it" Jaskier finishes his coffee, and starts making Geralts order, just when Triss flips around the 'open and closed' sign to open.

It didn't take long for people to come in and order, but Jaskier made sure he put Geralts order on the side till the man arrived. Kids, teens and adults alike came in and began to settle around the shop, and it was now that Jaskier started to appreciate the atmosphere.

Geralt arrives, and his drink was still piping hot, but when he didn't even need to tell Triss his order before it was in his hand and he was handing over the money, he quirks an eyebrow.

"Jaskier knows what you like ordering every day," Triss shrugs. "and he remembered you come in at the same time every day"

Jaskier doesn't speak up when Triss lies about him remembering, when she's the one who reminded him, perhaps because he was too busy making drinks, or maybe he was too flustered.

He meets Geralts gaze, and smiles at him. 

"6 pm, remember? the mall? " he sees Geralt mouth, moving aside for the lady behind him.

Jaskier nods, flashing him a toothy smile, and Geralt rolls his eyes, turning and taking a seat at a table near the window.

While making the drinks, Jaskier spares Geralt a few glances until the man stands and leaves in a rush; Jaskier would have to ask what happened later, and he hoped their plans didn't change.

"Jask, take the register. I'm sick of people complaining to me thinking we have the same system as the Starbucks down the road." Triss groans, patting his shoulder.

"wow, so you're giving me the responsibility of handling the Karen's? You know I suck at confrontation" Jaskier pouts but heads in front of the register anyway.

"shut up and take orders, dude" Triss chuckles.

Jaskier hums, taking down orders after order as people came in. He payed no mind to many of them, and when some people complained ; he offered an apology and told them to either leave or just take their order.

It was nearing the end of the day, and he switched out the counter with another barista as triss kept making drinks. He sat at the stool in the corner of the shop, ready to start singing when a familiar face walks into the cafe, and his throat is suddenly dry, his face pale, and he couldn't control the god damn shaking of his legs.

He meets eyes with his ex, and can't help flinching. His index finger and thumb rub against each other, and he stands off the stool. With every step the man took to the counter, Jaskier tenses. Fuck. Why was he so terrified? 

"sorry, folks. Change of plans, I uh, I just remembered I..broke my lute so I cant play.. Or, uh, sing.." he rushes behind the counter, and into the back room, leaning against the wall and placing his hands over his face.

"Jaskier?" he hears triss ask, as she steps into the room. "I just saw him, I'm so— are you okay?"

Jaskier bites his lips, "why the fuck am I so scared, Triss? It's been two weeks since we stopped seeing each other and I just—"

"you still need time." She slowly approaches Jaskier, "is it okay if I touch you?"

"of course— you aren't the one who hurt me." He huffs, and pulls her in for a hug. "I can't see him. Did you see my reaction? I turned as pale as a ghost" He mutters.

"go home, Jask." She rubs his back. "your shift is almost over anyways."

Jaskier takes a breath in, and nods slowly, pulling away from Triss. "let me grab my bag and put away my apron" He takes off his apron and hangs it up, as he does so, Triss leaves the room, and goes back to the front.

He grabs his satchel and puts it on his shoulder, collecting himself before leaving the backroom and leaving the cafe. He shakes his head to himself as he passes Feril in the shop, and forces himself to smile; remembering he had to go meet Geralt in an hour.

"Jaskier."

Jaskier freezes, he'd only taken a couple steps out of Merigold before Feril followed him. He forces himself to turn around and puts on a smirk.

"wow, coming to the place I work, and following me? Really pathetic." He crosses his arms.

Feril frowns, "you're ignoring my texts and my calls. I had no choice."

"your only choice was to leave me alone!" clenching his fists, Jaskier growls at the man in front of him.

"don't fucking yell at me." he scolds, eyes darkening, and he steps forward, intimidatingly.

"you don't scare me." Jaskier lies, taking a step back, and digging his fingernails into his palms, trying to stop his hands shaking.

Feril barks out a laugh, and Jaskier frowns.

"I don't scare you? Did you see your reaction back in there?" He points back at Merigold. "we're off topic. I'm here to ask you for your phone. Or for you to delete those photos infront of me before I contact my lawyer."

Jaskier gulps, and shakes his head. "no. I'm not handing over my phone, nor am I deleting those photos of your _abuse_"

That was the first time Jaskier had called their situation that. He always avoided that word, abuse, he didn't know why, but it made him feel like he was trying to victimise himself.

But he was a victim, wasn't he?

"give me your fucking phone before I wrestle out of your hand." Feril demands, and Jaskier closes his eyes for a moment.

Jaskier remembered the first time Feril snatched his phone from him, despite him saying no, and how he had a black eye for three days when he refused.

Slowly, Jaskier unlocked his phone, and goes to his gallery, scrolling down a load of selfies, pictures of cats, and snaps of his music notes, to find a group of bundled up photos of bruises around his body.

"Delete them." Feril orders. 

Jaskier grits his teeth. He was in public, and Feril didn't know where he lived, what was the man going to do to him?

"no." He huffs, pocketing his phone. "let those photos be a reminder to you, that if I ever see you again, not only will those be sent to all of my friends, to your boss, but to the police as well."

"Julian" Feril's eyes widen, "don't do this."

"I'm going to tell you this one last time. Leave me alone." he gulps, surprised at the confidence in his own voice. Turning around, he's ready to leave. 

"you're fucking dead, whore." he curses. "there's a giant target on the back of your head and—"

Jaskier walks away.

It doesn't take long for him to reach his and triss' apartment and walk in. He glances at the time. He had approximately 45 minutes till 6 pm.

He takes a brisk shower, drying his hair and body quickly, and then throwing on something casual of his, and texts Geralt. 

_[J] heading to the mall now._

_[G] see you there_

* * *

Balancing on the balls of his feet, and shifting every now and then, Jaskier stood waiting at the entrance of the mall, hands stuffed in his blue varsity jacket. His expression lightens when he sees Geralt approaching him.

"Geralt!" he grins. "you're right on time"

"yep" Geralt nods, "let's get you a lute"

"I actually, I was considering getting a guitar. It's cheaper, by like, 200 crowns" Jaskier explains, grin unfaltering. 

"whatever you want" Geralt shrugs, and softly shoves Jaskier to begin walking to the store.

They make their way to the store, and Jaskier immediately rushes in, like a kid in a candy store. He looks around, Geralt by his side. He grabs Geralts hand into his, so nonchalantly that Geralt almost doesn't notice.

"ooohh, this is a nice one" Jaskiers eyes are wide, "ouch, it's pricey. I'll save up for you, baby girl"

Geralt rolls his eyes, and Jaskier rushes to the counter and greets the man there. They talk as if friends, and Jaskier askes for a guitar in the back, with the price of 500 crowns, and takes out 400 in cash, and Geralt pays the rest. Before he knows it, Jaskier is hugging the instrument; bouncing with excitement, he adjusts the strap and puts it on his back accordingly.

"what now?" Geralt askes, and finds their hands still aren't apart.

"ah.. Dinner?" Jaskier purses his lips, "we need to get to know each other a lot more, we can talk over food"

"very well" Geralt nods, and decided to treat Jaskier to one of his favourite places in the mall. It wasn't fancy, but it was food in the end of the day.

When they finally made it to the restaurant, and grabbed a table, Jaskier was humming, looking around. 

"this place is nice" He comments, "and uh, you look nice. Like always"

Geralt chuckles as Jaskier flushes red slightly.

"well, so do you" He returns the compliment,

_Make him fall in love with you. _

"ah, really? Thanks" He grins, and picks up the menu the waiter left.

_Then kill him. _

"I'm going to get a chicken burger. With fries" Jaskier points to it on the menu, "what are you going to get?"

_Dont fall in love with him. He's your target. _

"caesar salad." He answers, eyes still on Jaskier. "and wine"

"wine?" Jaskier smirks, "well, you're gonna have to get two glasses, because I can't resist some wine"

"are you two ready to order?" Asked the waiter,

"one chicken burger and fries, and one Caesar salad. A bottle of your 2011 wine, please." Geralt answers, passing the menus to the waiter, who nods and leaves to go put down their order.

"seems like you know this place like the back of your hand"

"I took Yenn here for our first date" Geralt answers, and suddenly realises how shitty that is, taking your date to the first place you went to with your ex wife. 

"oh." Jaskier looks awkward. "is.. This a date?"

"do you want it to be one?" Geralt tilts his head.

"I mean.." Jaskier bites his bottom lip, "yeah."

"then it's our first date" Geralt shrugs, putting a hand on Jaskiers knee, and forces his smile down as Jaskier relaxes when he touches him.

"I mean, I feel kind of weird, about this. I just met you and we're already on our first date," He says, smiling at Geralt.

"hey, it's fine." Geralt reassures, just as the wine is brought to the table with two glasses, and is poured into them by the waiter.

Geralt almost immediately takes his glass, and sips it. 

Shitty, cheap wine.

But Jaskier seemed content with it. 

That's all that mattered. 

"so, uh, tell me about you" Jaskier leans closer to him from across the table.

"hm." He didn't like sharing much about himself. "I was in the military for a while, I was discharged, honorably, back in 2015."

"where did you serve?" Jaskier tilts his head, curious.

"I..none of your business" Geralt huffs, and is surprised when Jaskier doesn't falter, still grinning.

He still had nightmares about the war. He didn't want to talk about it. At least not sober. 

The fucking war between Cintra and Nilfgaard, was a long time ago. But there were people like Fringilla Vigo, a face for the 'Nilfgaard re-rise' who insisted that the people of Nilfgaard should rise up again and fight. 

People like her, Geralt can bet never saw the front of the war. The casualties and—

"okay- okay, rough topic. Did you go to school? I mean, university?" Jaskiers voice drags him back to reality.

"no, i got a basic education and that's all that mattered to me." Geralt shrugs. "enough about me, what about you?"

"well, you know I dropped out of high school, and I had ah, gone to pursue music. Before I dropped out, I actually applied to Oxenfurt Academy, got accepted and offered student accommodation; but I sent back a letter saying I wouldn't be attending university"

"they accepted you?" He raises his eyebrows. "I don't believe you" 

"hey! I'm not stupid, I'm very smart, actually" 

Geralt let's a smirk tug at his lips, "out thunk, Jaskier."

"it was one mistake! I was tired from work!" he exclaims, but he was smiling at the joke. 

"gentlemen" the waiter returns with their food, putting down Jaskiers chicken burger infront of the singer, and putting Geralts salad with the mercenary. 

Jaskier nods at the waiter, and he leaves.

"I was actually homeless for quite some time after dropping out. My father refused to keep me under his roof after finding out that I dropped out, and uh, that I was pansexaul" Jaskier takes a bite of his burger, "when I was busking I met my ex, who was my agent."

Geralt isn't sure whether he should question Jaskier about his ex or not. He knew from triss they weren't exactly the perfect couple, but he didn't know exactly how bad they were. Especially with Jaskiers ex being his employer, and he usually didn't like to know much about his employers. 

"why did you two break up? If you don't mind me asking?" Geralt askes anyways, he forces his tone to be soft, yet coaxing. 

"he was a bastard, I already told you. I mean..remember when I told you he forced me to do a lot of sexaul stuff, I mean, of course I consented, but I kind of felt intimidated to." Jaskier admits, "he wasn't healthy for me. So I broke things off." 

"what do you mean he wasn't healthy for you?" Geralt had a feeling he wasn't going to like the answer. 

"I.." Jaskier looks uncomfortable, and Geralt realises he's overstepped his boundaries. Fuck. 

"you don't have to tell me." Geralt rubs Jaskiers knee gently. 

"i- uh. Okay. I can't, tell you. Not yet. So uh.." He stares away from Geralt, "why aren't you and Yennefer together anymore?"

"she found out I practically forced our meeting." He sighs through his nose, and closes his eyes momenterialy. "she found out she was my target, but then I fell for her, and refused to kill her. And then I.. I did something shitty."

"i...you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to" He tells Geralt, eyes filled with concern. 

"I told her that someone was going to hurt her because of her role on the city council, and she asked that I protect her. But I lied. I had already killed the threat to her life, but I wanted a reason to stay by her side."

"oh wow that is shitty— sorry. Im sure you just had her best intentions at heart." Jaskier tells him, offering a reassuring smile. 

"I did, and that's why it's so frustrating." Geralt sighs, continuing to eat more of his salad. 

"but if you think about it from her point of view, Geralt, your entire relationship with her was a lie. If you lied to me about our relationship, I'd be.. I dunno, heart broken" Jaskier eats a couple chips, expression unsure. "but I'd try to hear you out"

Geralt grunts, and something in his gut twists, Jaskier was too trusting. This entire relationship was going to end in flames, and both of them were going to get hurt because Geralt fucking knows that Jaskier doesn't deserve what's going to happen to him, but if he doesn't do it; he's sure his employer is going to hire someone else to do it, and they probably won't be as empathetic as Geralt.

"excuse me." Geralt stands, "I need to go to the washroom" 

"okay, i'll be here" He nods at Geralt, smiling. "eating and whatnot"

Geralt rushes to mens toilets, and goes to the sink, staring at himself in the mirror. Was he really going to kill Jaskier?

What was he thinking?! Of course he was, the man is annoying anyways.

But he didn't really think that, did he? He's only known the singer for a few days, and he can already tell he didn't deserve this target on the back of his head, he just had bad luck fucking things up with his ex.

Fuck. Fuck, he needed to stop this before things got out of hand and he actually started developing feelings for him.

Geralt splashes water on his face, and takes in a deep breath, he leaves the toilet and approaches the table with Jaskier still waiting there, but he looked apprehensive.

"I.. I uh, I hope I didn't fuck things up with the constant questions and all. I'd understand if you—" Jaskier starts, obviously over thinking Geralts time in the wash room.

"you didnt." He says shortly, and takes his seat, immediately eating some of his salad and saying nothing more.

Sensing the tension, Jaskier picks with his food slightly, and sighs, before putting on a smile.

"I'm off work tomorrow. Uhm, Joseph is going to be taking my shift." Jaskier tells him, and Geralt stays quiet. "I think I'm gonna give myself a spa day tomorrow, relax, make myself comfy in my own skin."

"hm." Geralt murmers, finishing his salad and pouring himself a bit more wine.

"it's been a while, since I did that, actually. The last time I did..wow, I think it was around the time I composed— oh yeah!" Jaskier grins suddenly, "I made a song about you! And your heroics!"

Geralt's surprised for a moment, and tilts his head.

"oh? Maybe we can go back to your place and you can play it for me" He sips his wine, and leans back in his chair.

Jaskiers ears turn red, "back to my place..? Sure. I don't think triss is going to be home till later because she packs up the cafe and cleans it up. Can i get this to go?" he points to what's left over of his burger and fries.

Geralt calls down the waiter and asked for the check and a takeaway box. After Jaskiers food is packed up, and in a bag, and Geralt pays for the food, they leave the restaurant and the mall, and head towards Jaskiers.

It doesn't take long, they walk past Merigold and down the street till they've arrived infront of the singers shared apartment, Geralt notes how his neighbours have a cintra flag and a temeria flag hung up on the window, and looks away. Jaskier fishes his keys out of his pockets, and they enter the apartment.

Geralt looks around, and notes how it's slightly bigger than his place, probably the perks of sharing with someone. Jaskier sets down the burger and chips takeaway box in the kitchen and grabs Geralt's hand again.

This time, Geralt takes his hand back, and Jaskier looks slightly disappointed. 

"ah, sorry. Its a habit I do with all my friends. I'm a bit touchy with people, it makes me feel closer to them" He shrugs, and guides Geralt to his room.

The mercenary sits down on Jaskiers bed after the singer insists when he sees Geralt standing at the door awkwardly, he sits beside Geralt, and tunes his new guitar a few times.

He slowly starts strumming before cursing himself and shaking his head, playing again.

"When a humble bard.. graced a ride along, with Geralt of Rivia..along came this song" he starts singing, and Geralt doesn't stop watching him.

He can't seem to take his eyes off the singer, and he curses himself because the longer he stares the more he finds himself relaxing to Jaskier.

Geralt doesn't question the lyrics of the song, he already knew Jaskier was putting up this theme of fantasy and heroics, and despite Geralts hate for being complimented, he would often deflect a compliment if give one, he didn't despise the song. It was actually quite catchy.

"so?" Jaskier says, after he finishes singing, putting the guitar on the floor, leaning against the bed gently.

Geralt grunts, and let's a smile slip to Jaskier; and the singer knew that he liked it. Jaskier grins, and pokes Geralt. 

"you huge softie" Jaskier chuckles, "im going to preform it at Merigold next week"

"good gods, no" Geralt puts his head in his hands, "that would be embarrassing"

"no it wouldn't! People would be singing it down the street and in the shower, and to their kids. Your name and my song will go down for generations!" Jaskier practically vibrates with excitement.

"I don't want my name out there" He tries.

"well.. Fine. I'll make another amazing song about you but I won't use your name. For now, Toss a coin, is our little secret" Jaskier compromises, "but if it comes to it, people are gonna know about it"

Geralt rolls his eyes, and Jaskier chuckles,

"hows Ciri? Is she with Yenn right now?" Jaskier questions softly.

"She's old enough to stay home by herself. I told her not to go in my room, though." He shrugs, "I trust her"

"good, except, if Ciri is anything like a normal teenager, she's going to go into your room." Jaskier smirks. "you're a fool."

"if she goes in there, she'll face the consequences" Geralt sighs.

"oh?" Jaskier tilts his head, "and what are those?"

"grounding. Chores for a week. No phone for a week. She knows all of this, and she knows I'll know if she goes in there" He explains, looking at the time in his phone. He should head home in 30 minutes if he wanted to make dinner for Ciri.

"hm, the normal punishments for a teenager. When I was young, If I did something wrong, I'd get the belt to my back. I'm glad you're a better parent than my own dad" Jaskier chuckles, "it's getting a bit late, and Triss should be home soon, you can stay for dinner; but I can tell you need to get home to Cirilla"

Geralt nods, and stands off Jaskiers bed, and Jaskier follows. He leads Geralt to his door, and before he can leave, the singer hugs him surprisingly, and Geralt pats Jaskiers back awkwardly, he wasn't well with physical contact.

"anyways, bye, Geralt! Text me when you're free!" He grins, as Geralt steps out of the apartment, and begins to leave.

* * *

Geralt makes it home soon enough, taking his shoes off at the door, and putting them in the shoe rack. 

"I'm home!" He alerts Ciri of his arrival, and slowly walks to his room, opening the door and stepping in.

He notes that nothing has changed, as far as he could tell without closer inspection, and goes to his dresser to pull out his home clothes when he sees they're in different order. He usually puts colours to blacks left to right, but now they were right to left. He furrows his eyebrows, and puts his hands under the clothes, and his eyes widen when he realises the gun he had hidden there wasn't in its place.

He clenches his fists, and breathes in steadily. He slowly approaches Ciris room, and stands at the door as he sees her trying to aim with the gun. Geralt cleared his throat, and she jumps, putting the gun behind her back.

"Dad! I thought I heard you come home.." She grins nervously.

"give it over." Geralt puts his hand out expectantly, and she gives him a look of faux confusion before sighing and passing it over into his palm.

"safety wasn't even on, Cirilla!" He scolds, "you could have hurt yourself or— fuck!" he yells. "you could get taken away from me if a word of this gets to anyone, including your mother."

"i don't see the big deal, my grandmother was a fighter, she had guns and daggers on her all the time—"

"Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon!" His eyes widen, a scowl on his face.

"full name, I'm in real trouble aren't I?"

"do not ever, _ever_ talk back to me. I specifically gave you orders to stay out of my room, and you disregarded that and broke my trust for you!" he huffs, "you're grounded. Give me your phone."

"But dad!" She whines, and snaps her mouth shut when Geralt gives her a cold glare. She sighs, and hands over her phone, locking it first.

As Geralt turns around, she pipes up, "why do you even have a gun?"

Geralt freezes. That's the question he was terrified of.

"it's licensed. For.. Safety"

"bullshit." She huffs, "I know you don't need a fire arm for safety. You're you. Tell me the real reason or else I'm telling mum about the gun"

"Ciri" Geralt finds himself pleading."its work related, I'll tell you when you're older."

Ciri is quiet, and Geralt hears her plop down on her bed.

"im sorry for touching your gun"

"still not getting your phone back" Geralt rolls his eyes,

"ah, worth a try" she chuckles quietly.

Geralt walks back to his room, and decides he needs a better place to hide this gun. He remembers that he had hid some cash in a hole underneath his dresser before, and now he could probably shove the gun in there. 

He moves his dresser easily, and puts the gun in the hole, before moving he dresser back. He finally decides to change, and get comfy. He grits his teeth as he places Ciris phone on his bedside table, and decides to go make dinner for her.

He makes vegetable and tofu stew, its quick and affordable, and he knows Ciri likes it. He pours a regular portion in a white bowl and puts a spoon in the stew before bringing it Ciri, who was on her bed; trying to meditate like Geralt taught her to do.

He puts it on her bedside table, and she recognises his weight when he settles to sit on her bed, she stops mediating and looks at him. 

"im sorry for yelling at you." He apologises, he really couldn't stay mad at her. "shush, let me talk" He stops her from speaking.

"I just.. I got worried because you could have gotten yourself hurt. And if Yenn finds out you even held one of my weapons, she'd freak out and you'd be gone. After I fought so hard to have you here, safe, and by my side." He brushes her hair out of her face, "you're getting older, and you know when someone is lying to you, but Ciri, you need to know that sometimes people lie with good intentions. Of course I'll tell you the truth about me and.. Everything, when I'm ready, and when you're ready. Understand?"

Ciri nods slowly, and hugs him for a moment, before pulling away. " is that veggie and tofu stew?" she grins, grabbing the bowl, and digging in.

Geralt smiles at her softly, and decides to leave her to eat, going into the living room, and sits on the sofa. He takes out his phone from his pocket, and immediately notices how he has a load of messages from his employer.

_[?] I need you to steal that fuckers phone _

_[?] He has pictures on there that can take me to prison_

_[G] what are the pictures?_

_[?] None of your business. Just get me that phone. I know his password. _

_[G] Jaskier seems like the type to be addicted to his phone, he'll notice if it's gone_

_[?] isn't it your job to do what I asked of you? I'll pay you more if that's the problem_

_Geralt takes a moment, and bites his lip, considering it. He sighs, _

_[G] how much more money? _

_[?] 1000 on top of the deal we have now_

_[G] fine. I'll get you that phone after tomorrow. _

_[?] good. _

Geralt puts his phone down, and frowns to himself. He could break into Jaskiers apartment and get it, when he's asleep, but that's still risk, and since seeing the set up of Jaskiers apartment, it would be tough considering. He glances at the time and grunts. 

"Ciri!" He yells to her, "go to bed, it's late!" 

"goodnight!" she yells back, her door closing and her lights switching off. 

Geralt rubs his eyes, and walks into his room, closing the door behind him with his foot. He sits down on his bed, and thinks over today's events, he found himself smiling as he thought about the date with Jaskier, but he quickly catches himself and shakes his head, rolling his eyes, and laying down to sleep. 

Closing his eyes, he falls into slumber.

* * *

_Screaming. Blood. Rumbling, Geralt frowns, and keeps his footing as he runs through the streets of Cintra._

_"shoot on site any nilfgaardian soliders!"_

_Geralt didn't have a problem with doing that. He's killed enemy soliders before, he could do it again._

_He comes to a stop, when he sees a kid, trembling against a brick wall, and using their hands to cover their ears. He takes a step forward towards them, slowly, about to try to calm them down when—_

_Blood is pouring out of the kids chest, little gasps escaping the boy, and the life disappears from his eyes, and Geralt whips around to glare at who shot him, aiming his gun to the person, and falters when it's a Cintra solider. _

_"what the fuck?!" He yells, pushing the man back._

_"that kid was wearing nilfgaard colours, solider." the man spits back, "who's side are you on?"_

_Geralt growls, and squints. "you still didn't have to kill him."_

_The man was about to reply when an explosion nearby went off and another building was lit aflame, and suddenly Geralt was pulled back, more screaming and—_

* * *

Gasping, Geralt awoke, he curses under his breath, and rubs his eyes, picking up his phone to look at the time. 5 am. But it felt like he just feel asleep.

He closes his eyes, and recalls Yennefers words before she filed the divorce. 

_"get some help, Geralt. Therapy, a support group, anything, I don't know. You're obviously traumatised—"_

Geralt growls, and clenches his fists. He didn't need help. He wasn't going let some stranger 'fix him' because he didn't need fixing.

He wasn't traumatised, by the blood, and the loss of lives. He wasn't, he swears.

but who was he trying to convince? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, I'm not very experienced with writing characters who have war PTSD, so be patient with me as I do my research.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Geralt gets Jaskiers phone, and finds out whats on it that Feril wants gone so badly. 
> 
> Least to say, he's not happy. 
> 
> Jaskier is stressed out and has a panic attack in front of Geralt.
> 
> He thinks about one of his fights with his ex, and Triss comforts him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of bruises, and abuse.
> 
> Mentions of PTSD, and war. 
> 
> Enjoy

Geralt finds himself making coffee instead of going to Merigold cafe. He locks his rooms door, and Ciri waddles out of her room, rubbing her eyes tiredly. 

"breakfast?" She yawns.

"pancakes from yesterday. Fridge. Top shelf. Microwave it. I have to go soon" He tells her, sipping his coffee contentedly.

"where are you going?" She opens the fridge and takes the leftover pancakes out.

"going out for a Jog. Might pop by the city council to put in my vote. I don't care much for politics, though" He finishes his coffee, putting the mug in the sink. "remember, you're grounded. One hour of TV. Study the rest of the day, and do the chores around the house till I come back" He instructs.

Ciri groans softly and nods, popping the pancakes in the microwave as Geralt goes to the shoe rack and puts on his running shoes. 

"my door is locked and shut. Don't try." He tells her, "do you homework, you have school tomorrow!" 

"I wasn't going to!" She replies. "and I will do my homework, don't worry" 

Geralt was sure she wasn't going to go into his room after yesterday, but he had to make sure. He grabs his keys, and leaves the apartment quick enough, taking a deep breath before starting his jog around the streets of the city. He paced himself, getting lost in thought as he kept jogging.

He needed to pinch Jaskiers phone, but from what Jaskier told him yesterday, he didn't have work today, so he'd most likely be home all day unless he has a change of plans. He did say he was going to be doing a spa day today, so that mightean he'd be in his bathroom all day, hopefully without his phone.

If Jaskier wasn't in the bathroom, then, he'd have to resort to other means. He couldn't threaten the singer, he still had to maintain the original objective, for him to fall in love with Geralt.

He could try to invite himself into Jaskiers apartment, and say he wanted to pop in, distract the singer some how and then sneak the phone into his pockets. 

Terrible idea. Wouldn't work. Jaskier is the type of person to never leave his phone unoccupied. Unless flustered or something along the lines.

Geralt has an idea, and it wasn't too terrible, but it would be pushing their relationship forward quickly. It would be worth the extra coin, though. 

He spends an hour or two jogging, and finally comes to a stop infront of the city Council building, a line of people already ready to vote. Geralt was put off by the protests going on around the line of people and sourly turned to leave.

"not going to vote?" Yennefer asked from behind him, and Geralt turns again to face her. 

"no" He answers.

"not very democratic of you" She puts a hand on her hip. "then again, men like you are so brutish that they lack opinions so I cant expect you to have democracy and political interest at heart"

Geralt frowns, opening his mouth to say something, but decided it wasn't worth the arguement right now. He grunts and she rolls her eyes, before sighing.

"we need to sort things out. I'm not saying we should get back together, good gods, I'd rather slit my throat than do so, but I don't hate you."

"are you sure?" He tilts his head, "because in court, you sure sounded like you did."

"Geralt." She looks away, "call me for dinner. I need to go attend to business. We can discuss our friendship later."

With that, she turns on her heel, and walks away, skipping the line due to her status, and Geralt can't look away as she enters the building. 

He shakes his head, and decides to go home to change, his work out outfit was drenched in sweat. 

He finds his route home quickly, and notes how he sees Ciri humming a song under her breath as she studies. She nods at him when he comes back. He goes to his room, unlocking the door and changing into some casual clothes.

He leaves the apartment again, and makes haste as he passes Merigold and finds himself in front of Jaskiers apartment. He knocks at the door, and after a few minutes, he hears footsteps at the other side of the door. 

The door swings open, and Jaskier looks like he just had a bath, dressed in fresh clothes, but his hair was dropping wet. 

"oh, you're not pizza" He analyses. "but I'm still happy to see you. Did you leave something here?"

Geralt slowly nods, and steps into Jaskiers apartment, the door shuts behind him, and he looks around for Jaskiers phone. 

"I just ordered Pizza, you can stay for it, if you'd like. But I have to go in two hours to meet my new agent." he puts his hands in his pockets, and Geralt watches him.

"are you not going for the vote?" He askes, and Jaskier shakes his head.

"wouldn't have a clue who to vote for. I don't pay attention to those things."

"hm" Geralt murmers, and walks deeper into the apartment, eyes looking around for any notice of the man's phone.

Suddenly, a phone's ringtone is being made, and shakira definitely isn't Geralt set ring tone, so he looks over at Jaskier as the man pulls the phone out of his pocket and answers the call, putting a hand up for Geralt to wait.

"yeah, don't worry, I'm still free. I'll be making it. I don't need a cab, I got it" Jaskier mutters into the phone, and hangs up, sliding his phone into his pockets again.

Oh. This would be tough. 

Geralt internally curses, and there's a knock at the door. Jaskier rushes to get it, and yells in glee when it's pizza, tipping the delivery man, and returning with a box of pizza and a drink. 

"before you judge me for getting a large pizza all for myself, I have a stressful day ahead of me and I stress eat" He explains, setting down the food on the coffee table in the living room.

"Jaskier." Geralt speaks, hands at his side.

"Geralt" Jaskier returns with a smirk, "let's watch some Netflix, without the chill part, although, I am not going to refuse if you start making out with me"

"shut up" Geralt rolls his eyes, and sits, he didn't have to get the singers phone immediately, he may as well stay and keep the man company before grabbing it.

Or maybe he was just procrastinating. Either way, free food. 

He opens the pizza box, and is surprised to see plain margherita pizza. He would have guessed the singer would pick pineapples on pizza or some sort of weird topping.

"I'll get cups for the drink" Jaskier rushes into the kitchen and comes back with two cups, and pours the soda in both, offering Geralt's cup gently, and Geralt let's his touch linger on Jaskier when he takes the cup.

"what show do you want to watch?" Jaskier puts Netflix on, and Geralt notes how it's Triss' account.

"anything, I'm not picky. Actually, I'm not usually one to watch television shows" Geralt shrugs.

"seriously? Oh okay, well, I'm feeling brooklyn nine-nine, it's a comedy." he puts on the show quickly

They start midway through season three, and Geralt doesn't quite get the jokes some times, but can't help but smile when Jaskier laughs, he surprises himself with this reaction.

Geralt finishes his second slice of pizza, before grabbing a glance at Jaskier, and decides its time to grab his phone. He remembers a technique he used with a target around a year ago, he wasn't sure it would work on Jaskier though, but it was a fifty fifty chance.

He grabs Jaskiers wrist, and doesn't mention it when the singer tenses and tries to hold back a flinch. He leans closer to Jaskier.

"Geralt?—"

Jaskier is stopped when Geralt puts his lips on the bards, and removing his hand from the man's wrists to go to his waist, pushing him against the couch. Jaskier slowly relaxes into the kiss, putting a hand on Geralts cheek and one on the back of his neck.

The mercenary pulls his hands lower down from Jaskiers waist, till reaching his back pockets. He presses harder into the kiss, as He slides his fingers in the pocket, pulling Jaskiers phone out, and putting it in his own pocket quickly, before putting his hands back in Jaskiers back pockets, seemingly cupping the man's ass. The singer apparently too lost in the kiss to even notice the movements.

He pulls away from the kiss, and licks his lips as Jaskier stares back at him, his lips red from the sudden pressure, and a blush decorating his cheeks.

"wow— uh.. I.." Jaskier smiles. "that was something."

"hm" Geralt smirks, and pulls his hands back to himself, turning back to the television.

Jaskier leans against Geralt, head on his shoulder, pleased.

They watch one more episode, before Geralt decides he should leave before Jaskier feels the need to go on his phone again.

Jaskier walks him to the door, and pulls him close, for a small kiss, before grinning away. "this counts as our second date, just sayin'"

"sure." Geralt shrugs. "i have business to tend to, so I'll be busy the rest of the day, so don't expect to hear from me,"

"oohh, cool mercenary stuff?"

Geralt nods, rolling his eyes, "good luck with that meeting"

He leaves Jaskiers apartment quickly, walking down the road before finally taking out his phone and texting his employer. 

_[G] I got it._

_[G] either come pick it up now or tomorrow._

_[?] meet me at velen Street, near the station in 30_

_[G] omw_

For a moment, Geralt ponders what was so important, that he had to steal the singers phone. Before dismissing it, it wasn't his business.

But curiousity picked at him.

He takes Jaskiers phone out of his pocket, and he is met with a password lock. He walks, and stares down at the phone, before realizing the password had to be something important to Jaskier, like a birthday or something.

He takes out his own phone, and searches up, Jaskier online, and finds a small page about him from what he assumes his old agency.

'Julian Alfred Pankratz'

Of course Jaskier wasn't his real name, but that didn't give him any more clues. He finds Jaskier's birthday on the page, and tries that, and frowns heavily when he finds out its incorrect. He scrolls further into the page, and finds the date of Jaskiers first big performance. He tries it.

And it works, Geralt is almost surprised. He goes to Jaskiers gallery, and finds himself scrolling through selfies, pictures of cats and dogs, a couple pictures of celebrities, a crappy photo of what Geralt assumes is young Jaskier and his mother. Then he lands upon what he was sure his employer wanted deleted so badly.

The more he scrolled through the pictures of bruises, the more he finds that its almost never ending, till he reaches the end of the gallery and its a pictures of a man holding Jaskier in his arms, The singer taking the selfie happily. 

What happened?

Geralts legs go weak at the imagery of Jaskier with these's bruises around his body, some of these are light, some dark and discoloured, yellow and purple. He finds one picture of Jaskier with a black eye and a nose bleed and he clenches his fists tightly. 

There's some text written in the corner of each of the photos, dates and some notes like; 'broken rib, I think' and 'he might have broken my wrist'. He finds all the photos span through a time of a year to two weeks ago.

He didn't take long to connect the dots. His employer did all of this Jaskier, that's why he wanted this gone so badly.

He snoops further into his phone, and finds a notes folder called 'statements for police'

Theres statements paired with the pictures from the gallery, explain in graphic detail what happened the night he got them, but Geralt finds the grammar and spelling is rushed, almost panicked. He finds the first folder.

_'its been a week since Feril has gotten violent. I don't know why I have the urge to write it down, just for the future. He apologised after slapping me last week, and promised it wouldn't happen again but today he twisted my arm when I tried to touch him for a hug. He said I shouldn't touch him. It's my fault. I should have asked'_

Geralts heart clenches at the thought of Jaskier blaming himself for something he didn't cause. 

Something ugly in the back of his mind says that it couldn't be unprovoked, Jaskier had to have reason in some of these, and he curses that thought because Jaskier was obviously the fucking victim here. 

Before he knows it, he's at the station, and there's a man that Geralt recognises from the oldest photo in the gallery, the man holding Jaskier.

Geralt hands over the phone, locked, and watches as the man unlocks it as if he's done it a million times before, and goes to the gallery.

"listen, pal." the man speaks, "I know you looked through the gallery. It says when it was most recently visited. Thirty minutes ago, hm? Now let me explain"

"please, go ahead" Geralt grits his teeth, and the imagery runs through his head, this man beating the life out of his Jaskier—

When did he start calling Jaskier his?

"he—" The man sucks in a breath, "doesn't know his fucking place. He was disrespectful and I just- I have a bad temper"

Geralt stares at the man with a cool expression, he quirks his eyebrow, and the man rushes a hand through his hair.

"what am I doing, explaining myself to a sociopathic freak? " He huffs, "just, finish the job soon. Thanks for the phone"

Geralt watches as the man leaves, and he clenches his jaw in distaste.

He turns, and let's himself walk. All the signs were there. How Jaskier flinched when he spoke firmly at him, or how he tensed when Geralt touched him. 

Now Triss' words made so much sense, and yet, he couldn't find it in himself to pull out of this mission. He needed the money for him and Ciri or else he wouldn't be able to look after her. The promised cash was enough to pay rent for five months, and get groceries regularly.

He swore at himself. He promised himself he wouldn't fall in love, or empathise with his victim, not again, not since Yenn and Renfri.

But it was too late, wasn't it?

Geralt stops in his tracks when he finds himself back at Jaskiers place. Something in him won't stop as he presses his knuckles to a knock.

He's surprised when Jaskier opens the door, panic written all over his face. Jaskier doesn't say anything, just stepping back to let Geralt in, and when he walks in, the door is shut behind him.

In front of him, Jaskier is pacing and gripping his hair tightly. 

"Jaskier" Geralt tries, and Jaskier doesn't stop pacing, his shoulders tense and his hands trembling.

His chest was rising vigoursly and Geralt was sure the singer just fell into a panic attack. The singer starts hyperventilating, leaning against the wall and his head is low, eyes are wide.

"Jask" Geralt steps forward, grabbing Jaskier gently, "calm down"

"i— my- my- my phone is gone and— and— I need it. I need it to get to my agency be... Because I don't know how to get there a.. And I need to go and.." He takes a wet breath in, "and I have important stuff in my phone.. I- I can't lose my phone.. Geralt. It has a picture of my mum on it- and i- I don't have anymore photos of her since--since she died and-"

Geralt gulps guiltily, and grips Jaskier tightly.

"Hey" he assures, "i'll help you find it. I'll get you a cab to your agency and enough cash to get one back. Calm down. If we can't find it, I'm sure we can try to recover the photos some how in a different phone, technology is advanced like that" he tries, "breath with me."

Geralt exaggerates his breathing for Jaskier to follow along easily, and smiles when Jaskier forces himself to follow along, slowly calming down. He grabs Geralt into a hug hesitantly, slumping into the mercenarys chest. Geralt rubs his back slowly, up and down.

"when is your meeting?" He askes softly.

"fourty minutes" Jaskier mumbles.

"get changed, I'll look around for your phone" He instructs gently.

Jaskier nods slowly, walking to his room to change and Geralt slowly walks around; trying to look as if he's looking around.

Jaskier walks out, wearing something in between formal and casual wear. "did you find it?" he askes, fingers fidgeting.

Geralt shakes his head, and watches as Jaskier rushes a hand through his hair.

"I'm.. So sorry. That you had to see that." Jaskier tells him. "I know it's an over reaction, but everything is on my phone. Files, dates, addresses, photos. Shit i can use against my ex, and I just— panicked"

"don't apologise" Geralt insists. "if I lost something important to me, I'd react..well, not by crying, I'd probably be angry or worried"

Jaskier offers Geralt an awkward smile.

"wanna tell me the name of your agency?" Geralt takes out his phone, ready to search up its address.

Jaskier tells him the name, and Geralt finds the address quickly, and orders a uber to come and take Jaskier there. He gives Jaskier cash to get a cab for his way back. 

"I cannot thank you enough, Geralt" Jaskier smiles at him, "seriously, you may have just saved my arse"

"hm" Geralt murmers, and the uber arrives sooner than expected.

He walks Jaskier out to the car, and is ready to leave when the singer pulls him in for another hug, and he returns it slowly. Jaskier pulls away, and enters the uber, and is driven away. 

Geralt frowns to himself as Jaskier leaves, and bites his lip. Fuck.

He walks to Merigold, orders a black coffee, and tells Triss he needs to talk to her on her break. 

He sips his coffee as Triss sits across from him, raising an eyebrow.

"I found out. About Jaskiers ex." He starts, and she nods slowly. "I don't know what to do"

"so he told you?" She raises an eyebrow.

"no, no- I found out a different way." He cups his coffee in his hands gently.

"all you need to do is offer him support and treat him like anyone else. He hates being babied and treated as if he's fragile" She advises, voice firm yet soft. She doesn't question how Geralt found out and, he's glad she doesn't.

"I just— what the fuck? How could anyone do that to him?" He clenches his fists, a growl in his voice.

"Feril — his ex — was a bastard. I knew that he was bad news the first time I met him. He was manipulative and.. Ugh. I hate him. He made Jaskier feel like it was his fault, like he deserved to be hurt" She scowls. "for a entire year, Jaskier was with him through everything and.." she breathes in steadily. "around two months ago he came to me, with a broken leg and bruises on his face, and he told me. He told me that his boyfriend was hurting him. And I curse myself for never noticing it"

"you couldn't have known" Geralt finishes his coffee, staring at her.

"but I should have seen the signs, right? What kind of friend am I if I didn't see how weird he started acting." she whispers quietly, looking at the floor. "since then, two months ago, he came to me with all of his injures to help him, because he didn't have health insurance and he didn't know who else to go to."

"why didn't he go to the police or— why didn't you go to the police?" Geralt askes expression hardened. 

"it's never that simple, Geralt. Jaskier.. Something was wrong with him, he loved Feril. He would let himself be beaten and say he deserved it, that he provoked him. Jaskier said he would stop being friends with me— stop coming to me for help, if I told anyone. And I couldn't let him tend to himself, his injuries needed a professional, and I was the next best thing. I know Jaskier, if I wasn't there to tend to him, he wouldn't go to anyone to help him"

Geralt grunts, unsure what to say. He sighs, "how did they finally break up?"

"I managed to convince him, after he came to me with a particularly bad injury. I gave him advise after doing research, told him to do it somewhere public and somewhere Feril could be seen if he touched Jaskier. He chose to do it in his office. There were cameras in there"

"that's good" Geralt nods, "when Feril, that's his name right? Came to me with the contract to kill Jaskier..uh.."

"what?" she askes, squinting.

"I accepted." He admits. 

"you lied to me." She looks aghast.

"I did. What? Was I supposed to tell you 'yep, I'm going to kill your friend that's all'" He gruffly replies. "but with this new evidence at light, and after getting to know the singer, I kind of.. Don't want to?"

"you've fallen in love" She gasps.

"no- i- no. I just don't want to kill him. He doesn't deserve it." He rubs his arm.

"Geralt." she puts a hand on his shoulder. "your contracts are serious, you put up a lot and the employer does the same. You can't back out. Not like with Yennefer. You had to protect her for two years till there were no more people coming after her"

"I know. That's why this is complicated. I've already done so much to get to the main objective of this contract, and fuck, Triss, I don't know what to do"

"this is a little out there, but maybe you can fake his death to Feril?" She tries.

"no. Jaskier wants to be famous. He's already on his way to that goal, if he fakes his death, that means going in hiding and dropping his dreams." he shakes his head. "he's a little too stubborn for that. Plus, I don't want him to know he's one of my contracts."

"that complicates things." She frowns, "listen, you're the expert here, you figure this out. My break is over."

She stands, and goes back behind the counter. Geralt huffs to himself and leaves the cafe, footsteps quick and long. He back to his apartment, and is surprised to knock into one of Ciri's friends, Dara. The kid looks at him, and Geralt smirks.

"you here to see Ciri?" He askes gently, he happens to knows him and Ciri got in a arguement and haven't talked to each other in a while.

"uhm, yeah.. Is that okay?" Dara askes quietly.

"of course it is. You can stay for dinner if you'd like" He offers, opening the apartment door and inviting the boy in.

Dara steps in, and Ciri immediately spots him and rushes to him. They hug, and Geralt leaves them to talk, while he prepares dinner. 

He makes homemade burgers, and fries. He plates the food, and enters the living room where he sees Ciri and Dara chatting. He puts down their burgers and fries in front of both of them, and Dara can't seem to stop thanking him.

He grabs his plate of food, and sits with them in the living room, and eats. 

* * *

"Julian Alfred Pankratz, Nice to meet you" He puts a hand out to shake, and the lady in front of him takes it and shakes it. "but please, call me Jaskier"

"alright, Jaskier. Take a seat. Your agent contacted us, and told us to consider taking you under our wing"

Jaskier sits, and the lady takes her seat. "well, I think its more like a collaboration." He tries, nervously smiling. "I've already figured out what I want to do, and I know my style and all, my agent probably informed you"

"yes, yes, but here at studio pevana, we like to make sure we all have our share of stardom. Like, Essi Daven for example" she folds her hands together. "you can write your own songs, and sing them, but we'll deal with the rest."

"okay" Jaskier nods slowly.

"let's talk your social media presence" She leans back in her chair. "Instagram, twitter, tumblr, Facebook, etcetera. You can either handle it, or you can have us look over what you post."

"I can handle it." He answers, he didn't really like people having control of what he says and when he says it, especially online.

"alright.." She nods, opening her mouth to speak once more.

They speak for a minimum of an hour, discussing what Jaskier wanted in the forseeable future and how fast he wanted it, how he wanted to achieve it. 

Jaskier stands when their meeting is over, shakes hands with her again, and takes his leave, he taps down a cab rather quickly, and is on his way home before he could even realise it. 

Once finally making it to his apartment, Jaskier takes off his shoes, and looks around for his phone for a while before giving up. He smiles to himself, that meeting went rather well, unlike past meetings where Feril was on his back, watching him like a hawk, and making sure he didn't say anything. 

He was glad that he wasn't with him anymore, but something inside of him missed the man. Despite how he laid his hands on Jaskier, the singer was sure he cared for him..he had to, right? 

Shaking his head, he picked at his fingers. He couldn't fall back into that mindset. He didn't need him anymore. 

* * *

_"I'm home" a gruff voice speaks, and the door clicks shut, Jaskier feels a weight settle next to him in bed._

_Jaskier lifts his head slightly and makes a noise as hands settle on his chest from behind him. _

_"Feril, what time is it?" He askes softly, and there's a chuckle next to his ear._

_"you've been asleep all day, sleepy head. It's 4 pm" The man behind him plants a kiss on his neck, and starts sucking and biting on his skin._

_"I'm too tired for sex right now" Jaskier whines at Feril, and turns to look at him._

_"okay," Feril mutters, pulling away, and Jaskier feels relief flood him. If he hadn't pulled away, it wouldn't be the first time he persisted his needs into Jaskier. "I missed you" _

_"i missed you too" Jaskier smiles at him, and moves to sit up, wincing. _

_"hey, what's wrong?" Feril looks concerned, but Jaskier knows he knows what's wrong, he's sure Feril knows what's hurting him. _

_He presses a hand to his bruised torso and shakes his head, "nothing" He kisses the man's cheek, gripping the blanket tightly as if he's trying to stop himself from shaking. _

_They both get out of bed, and Jaskier leaves the room to go to the kitchen, not taking long to begin to fix himself a coffee. He finds himself day dreaming, and jumps slightly when he feels a hand touch his shoulder, snapping out of it. _

_"I'm so sorry about yesterday, baby" Feril mumbles behind him, hand still firmly on Jaskiers shoulder. _

_Jaskier doesn't say anything as he pours his coffee and puts in some creamer and sugar. _

_"I know" he finally speaks, "It wasn't your fault. I pissed you off. " _

_"glad you finally realise that. I spent an entire hour yesterday trying to get you to see my point of view" He suddenly hisses, and rolls his eyes, before letting his expression relax once seeing Jaskier was staring at him. _

_"I uh.." Jaskier sips his coffee, before cupping it close to his chest. "yeah" he didn't know what to say. _

_"I have a friend coming over today." Feril hums, and Jaskier realises that's why he didn't undress into his home clothes just yet. _

_"okay" Jaskier hums, _

_"don't embaress me. I think it would be better if you just stayed in our room till they left, okay?" it wasn't much of a question as it was a order._

_Jaskier nods and smiles. He itched to get dressed and go out to a bar or just hang out with one of his friends. But he didn't want a repeat of what happened last time he did._

_"they're coming in twenty. So finish your coffee and go back to our room" _

_Jaskier finishes his coffee, makes another so he wouldn't have to come out while Ferils friend was here, and finds his way back to his room. _

_Everything was fine. He kept quiet, they seemed to be talking, and Jaskier didn't need to leave his room. _

_Until he dropped coffee all over the bed and himself. He grits his teeth, and makes a remark about how fucking stupid he was mentally, and changes his clothes. He needed a new change of bedsheets though, and they usually left those in the laundry room cabinets. Maybe he could sneak past them quickly, without being noticed. _

_Jaskier slowly opens the door, and leaves his room, waddling to the laundry room swiftly until he hears his name. He freezes on the spot and turns, giving a grin to Ferils friend who he hadn't seen since him and Feril got together. The man invites him to join them, and he sees Feril clench his fists. _

_"no, uh, no thanks" he tries,_

_"no! Come now, join us." the man insists kindly. _

_"uhm.." he glances at his boyfriend, and he nods, Jaskier takes that as a yes and sits down with them. _

_They talk for what feels like hours till Ferils friend leaves, and Jaskier finally gets up, trying to act as if nothing happened, and tries to make his way to the laundry room, when Feril stops him. He flinchs violently when Feril steps infront of him, and cowers slightly. _

_"you-" Feril stops when he sees Jaskier flinch, "what the fuck? Are you scared of me?" _

_Jaskier forces himself to lift his head up and his gut twists, something inside him screaming to run away. "no." he answers, trying to sound confident, "no, im not, I swea—" _

_His boyfriend takes a step forward and Jaskier curses himself when he tenses, and Feril snarls, "you're fucking terrified, for what? I don't fucking touch you. Why are you acting like I—" _

_Jaskier bites his tongue, and his agent shakes his head, "y'know what, we can talk about that later. Didnt I fucking tell you to stay in our room?" he grabs Jaskiers wrist. _

_"you— I spilt coffee. I just wanted to get a change of sheets" he speaks quick, panic written all over his voice. _

_"dumbass." the man scolds, "now he's gonna ask so many questions about you. And what the fuck are you wearing?" _

_Jaskier was in one of Ferils dress shirts, it was big, and hung off his body, and shorts underneath. _

_"like I said, I spilt coffee all over me, all my clothes are in the washing machine, i-" _

_"you were trying to whore out to him weren't you!?" he yells, gripping Jaskiers wrists tighter, and the singer winces. _

_Jaskier whimpers meekly, before yelping when he's backhanded across the face. He forces his hands out of his boyfriends hold, a gasp leaving his throat, as he touches the stinging area on his cheek. He slowly backs away, tears gathering in his eyes. _

_Suddenly Ferils demeanour changes, his expression falls from angry to aghast, as if realising what he had just done. He reaches out for Jaskier, and the singer doesn't dare pull away when hes pulled into his chest. _

_"I'm so sorry— baby I'm so sorry" _

_Jaskier finds it best to stay quiet when Feril is apologising or angry, or fuck, any time. The older man was so temperative, it made Jaskier feel like he was walking on eggshells. He remembers the first time Feril laid a hand on him was because he spoke too much, since then he was a lot quieter around him. And was pleased when Feril didn't tell him to shut up or yell at him anymore. _

_He was always apologetic after hurting him, so it was Okay, Jaskier thinks, it's okay because he knows what he's done is wrong. Any day now he'll see how bad it is to hit Jaskier and he'll stop. _

_"you just.. You provoke me, Jask." Feril cups his cheeks. "you need to fucking stop and think sometimes" _

_"o-okay." _

* * *

"Jaskier?" he hears Triss call his name, and he snaps out of it, shaking his head and smiling at her. 

She must have come home while he was day dreaming. 

"hey" He says weakly, and she gives him a sympathetic look. She just _knows_.

She hugs him. 

He hugs her back tightly, almost as if he's scared she's going to disappear. He needs comfort. He let's her rub his back and whisper encouraging words into his ear. 

"I'm exhausted" he says, tired and quiet. "I'm exhausted of remembering what he did to me. I just want to move on"

"I know" she mutters, "I know. Its going to take time, Jaskier"

They stay up all night eating ice cream and watching movies. Triss doesn't leave his side. When he insists she doesn't have to, she says it's just what best friends do for each other.

* * *

Dara leaves late, and Geralt doesn't want him going home in the dark so he drives him home, and then comes back, finding Ciri asleep in the living room, tuckered out. He gently picks her up, and takes her to her room, setting her down gently on her bed. 

He goes to his bed, and finds he doesn't--can't sleep.

He doesn't want to have another nightmare. Another yell in the night. Another night of worrying and scaring Ciri.

His mind is screaming at him. All the fucking time and he's tired. He just wanted peace, to be able to sleep.

Every time he closes his eyes, even for a split second, there's bloodshed and yelling and screaming–and gunshots that make his heart run fast and he fights the urge to run into Ciris room to see If she's fine, if she's alive.

He's has to remind himself that he's not on the battlefield anymore, preparing himself for the striking blow that death might hit him with at any minute, he doesn't need to be so gaurded anymore but he can't help it. Half of him still forgets that they won, and he survived and he can be happy now.

Half of him wants help. But hes to prideful to fucking go to get 'fixed'. He's no toy to brought in for repair.

He remembers yelling at Yennefer when she brought him a pamphlet with the words PTSD, war, and Veteran written all over it as if it was decoration. He remembers scowling and throwing it away, and ignoring Yennefer's surprisingly soft words, trying to coax him to listen.

He doesn't want help, he doesn't need it.

Geralt doesn't sleep. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaskier and Geralt go on their third date.  
Chaos ensues.
> 
> Jaskiers sister pays a visit, and Geralt does something bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Jaskier sings in this chapter is 'Heaven in hiding' By Halsey.  
I felt the song would be good for this chapter, judge me.

"— hear my heartbeat fucking kickin?" 

This was a different type of song Geralt was greeted with as he entered the cafe, Jaskier rarely did covers like this, he finds the singer some what into folk song.

He steps toward the counter and orders a black coffee like usual, he doesn't get it on time as Triss isn't working today, and Jaskier is singing. The man behind the counter tells him his order will be done in 5 minutes.

"your eyes light up 'cause you best believe I got something up my sleeve" he focuses on Jaskier as his order is being made, and he finds the singer looking back at him, a smirk on his lips. "I walk my talk, no time for wishful thinking."

Geralt gets his coffee, and finally takes a seat, the cafe was seemingly more full today, and he could tell It was from the new singing, and how Jaskier presented himself. It offered a warm, attractive environment. 

Usually, the patrons of the cafe were ignoring Jaskiers singing, working or hurling abuse at his songs. 

Today, people came in, ordered, and sat, just watching the singer. 

He watched as Jaskier left his eyes, standing from the stool, voice still strong and on tune as he sung.

"and when you start the feel the rush, a crimson headache, aching blush, and you surrender to the touch.." he walks close to one of the girls watching him, giving her a wink, Geralt finds his fist clenching around the cup, "you'll know I can put on a show, I can put on a show"

His singing was powerful, and almost harmonic, but the giddy giggling of the girl he just winked at didn't make it better, and a feeling in his gut arose as he walked over to a man, who; similar to the girl, was watching him with lust in his eyes. Jaskier grabs the man's hand, "don't you see what you're finding? This is heaven in hiding, oh"

He turns from the man, and stalks over to Geralt, grinning, and sits next to him, leaning against him, getting _close_ "and when you start to look at me, a physical fatality, and you surrender to the heat, you'll know"

Geralt raises an eyebrow at him, as Jaskier stands, continuing to sing, acting as if he had never done what he just done. He walks back to his stool, and sits.

The mercenary sips his coffee, tearing his eyes away from the singer, and to his phone. He recived a text from Yenn.

_[Y] dinner?_

_[G] tmr. Planning to take someone on a date._

_[Y] it's that singer fellow, isn't it?_

_[Y] he seems out of your comfort zone. I'm glad you're moving on and changing_

_[G] Jealous?_

_[Y] no. But I happen to know you never step out of your comfort zone unless for Ciri, or a contract._

_[Y] like you did with me._

_[Y] don't fuck this up, Geralt. He seems like a good kid. _

_[G] I have my orders._

_[Y] learn to be your own person._

_[G] I tried that, with you, and I wasted almost a decade of my life._

_[Y] is that what we were? A waste of your life?_

_[G] Yenn you know I didn't mean it like that_

_[Y] I know, I'm just teasing. You men are so sensitive. So, dinner tmr? 4 pm. Got a meeting at 6._

_[G] place? _

_[Y] my house. I know you like my cooking_

_[G] k_

_[G] is Istredd going to be there?_

_[Y] he has a meeting at 3. Out of town._

_[G] scandalous, what if he finds out?_

_[Y] it's not like you're going to bend me over and fuck me. It's just dinner. _

_[G] will you tell him that though? That it's just dinner? _

_[Y] if he askes._

He feels a presence next to him, and a dramatic gasp he already knows is Jaskier. 

"Geralt? Are you cheating on me?" it's obviously a joke.

"did you think we were exclusive?" He askes seriously, and sees a flash of hurt cross Jaskiers eyes.

"I-i mean—" He blushes red in embarrassment. "never mind"

Geralt stares at him and a hum erupts from his chest, "do you want us to be exclusive?"

"what even is us?" he askes, a smile on his lips once more.

"whatever you want us to be," He mutters, finishing his coffee, "I'll do whatever you want"

"ohh, kinky, don't say things like that, witcher, or else someone may actually take advantage of you" He puts a hand on Geralts shoulder. "its too soon to call us boyfriends, so let's just say we're dating."

"hm, that was the status I thought we were" He shrugs.

"but.. I would feel comfortable knowing you were only seeing me. I—" Jaskiers shoulders tense, and Geralt has a feeling he had a conversation like this before that didn't end so well. "I don't want to sound manipulative or anything.. You don't have to do as I ask"

"no. Its fine, Jask." He tilts his head, "we can be exclusive. I just have a dinner meeting with Yenn tomorrow to discuss some things. But me being exclusive, means you have to be as well, okay? No flirting like I just saw you do"

"it's only fair — but you must know that was for the performance only." He grins at Geralt mischievously.

Geralt slyly moves his hand to Jaskiers waist and pulls the smaller man closer to him. "hm, sure" He noses Jaskiers hair.

"you're much more touchy than normal, what's up?" Jaskier grins, "not that I mind, by the way"

"do you want to go on another date today? There a club across town that's doing free drinks today" Geralt ignores his question.

"sure. Free drinks" Jaskier nods, "i finish work in like, twenty minutes, mind waiting? I'm just cleaning up some dishes"

"I'll wait here" He lets go of Jaskier and the singer smiles at him, standing and going behind the counter to start washing dishes.

Twenty minutes pass, and They're leaving the cafe quickly. Geralt catches a taxi, and both him and Jaskier get inside. Jaskier gives him a grin, and they sit in silence for the most part.

It takes minimum an hour to get across town and he pays the taxi driver, including tip, when they stop infront of the club. It isn't too early to start drinking, but Geralt needed the alcohol in his system. He's a bit too overwhelmed by the contract, and Ciri, and Yennefer and—

His nightmares haven't been getting any better. 

He can't fucking sleep.

They pass by the bouncer, after Jaskier gets questioned by the bouncer because he looked a bit too young. But after presenting his ID, they enter.

Geralt immediately goes to the bar, while Jaskier takes a small look around before catching up to the mercenary.

"you seem familiar with this place," Jaskier shows his ID to the bartender, before tucking it away.

"you could say that." Geralt mutters. "let's say this was my Merigold cafe when I was in a very bad place"

"then why are we back? Let's go somewhere with less bad memories, central park is really nice looking at this time—"

"No. This is fine" Geralt growls, and Jaskier flinchs slightly at his tone, bowing his head sort of.

Geralt sighs when his drink comes, 

"Geralt! Welcome back to the djinn, it's been a while" the bartender places down his requested drink infront of him, and Geralt gives him a nod.

"the djinn. Peculiar name." Jaskier grins. "I take the bar is based of Djinn mythology?"

"bingo!" the bartender smirks, "now you, you're new"

Geralt downs his drink, and rolls his eyes. "and he's my date"

"oh." the bartender turns, and goes to make some more drinks, and Jaskier snorts, before turning in his stool to look at him.

"seriously, Geralt, what's up?" Jaskier askes softly.

Geralt closes his eyes tiredly, and clenches his jaw. His fingers grip on the glass in his hand tighter and he eventually meets Jaskiers eyes.

"I can't fucking sleep" he tries.

"is that what this all is—"

"I keep having nightmares about the war. So I haven't slept." Geralt slumps, letting Jaskier take his hand.

"hey, it's okay. You just need to relax" Jaskier suggests. "and drinking isn't the way to go"

"it helped last time, it can help again"

"last time, did you have a child to get home too?" Jaskier frowns, tilting his head. The bartender places a beer infront of him.

Geralt doesn't reply. 

Jaskier takes the beer into his hands and sighs out. "let me finish this drink, we can do some dancing, before we leave"

Geralt nods and sighs, ignoring the temptation to order another drink.

Jaskier finishes his drink, and then grabs Geralts hand again, pulling him off his stool and dragging him to the dance floor. 

"Jaskier" Geralt flushes slightly, "I don't dance"

The singer rolls his eyes, "just follow my lead" he grins, before moving his legs on beat with the song the DJ was playing, arms in the air, and Geralt gives a glare at someone who wolf whistles.

Geralt stares at Jaskier unsure for a moment, before getting close to the bard, and grabbing him, following the movements of another couple he saw dancing earlier.

Jaskier whistles, "I thought you said you couldn't dance?"

"I said I don't dance. Not that I couldn't" Geralt chuckles, as Jaskier made a grinding movement with his hips.

"not bad, Rivia, not bad at all" The smaller man chuckles, planting a kiss on Geralts jaw.

Geralt grunts, staring at how amazing Jaskier looked for a moment—

He was going to have to put a bullet right between this man's eyes.

Geralts hands lift off of Jaskier, and he steps away, Jaskier takes a moment to realise, and frowns when he sees Geralts face. 

"hey? What's up?" He yells over the music.

"we— should get out of here" Geralt tucks his hands into his pockets to avoid letting Jaskier notice he was shaking.

The singer nods, and starts walking off the dance floor, Geralt beside him. They leave the club, and Geralt takes a breath of air.

Jaskier slowly takes him to the central park, which didn't happen to be too far. They take a stroll.

"so, last time I was here was with my ex" Jaskier wrinkles his nose, "but I'm sure we can replace bad memories with good ones" he slowly takes Geralts hand.

Too trusting. 

"Jaskier.." the mercenary takes a look at him just to see him turn pale and almost sickly. "Jaskier?" his tone changed, concern on his voice.

Jaskier covers his mouth before leaving Geralts side, leaning over; a hand placed on his stomach before vomiting. Geralt slowly approaches with a grimace and rubs the singers back, who groans.

"ugh, Geralt" Jaskier grabs onto him. "I think there was something wrong with my drink"

"probably some alcohol poisoning. No one gets beers from the djinn because their supplier is shady" He frowns.

"and you—" Jaskier chokes, before vomiting again. "you're just telling me now?

"I was kind of hoping that you would be lucky" Geralt shrugs. "well, actually, I wasn't paying much attention"

Jaskier breathes in and out. "take me to the hospital or something"

Geralt slowly nods, letting Jaskier hold onto him before guiding the singer to the road outside of the park. He calls down a cab, sits Jaskier down inside, before joining him. The cab driver overs a paper bag for him to vomit in.

And Jaskier does just that. 

They eventually make it to the emergency room, and Geralt tells the receptionist about Jaskiers alchol poisoning. She says they will be with them soon.

Soon, as in an hour later.

Jaskier groans and leans against Geralt. "this is an amazing date" he jokes, his throat a bit hoarse.

Geralt grunts, guilty. If he hadn't been so pathetic and went to the djinn again, especially with Jaskier, for a date no less, they wouldn't be in this situation. He fucked up.

The doctor comes out and calls his name, and Jaskier stands with the help of Geralt, and they walk to the doctors room.

"Dr Chireadan, If it hasn't been a while" Jaskier greets, before vomiting in another bag the hospital provided in the waiting room.

"Jaskier.." The man awkwardly smiles, "alcohol poisoning. I thought you didn't drink?"

"it was just one beer" Geralt tells him, "and uh, I took him to the club"

"not his fault though!" Jaskier pats Geralts arm, before heaving.

Chireadan hands Jaskier a plastic cup full of water, and looks down at his clipboard.

"i don't think its too bad if you can stay up right and keep talking, so we'll just give you a intravenous drip for let's say.. An hour at most, to top up your water, blood sugar and vitamin levels."

Jaskier nods, as a nurse comes in with the drip, tapping his arm with her index and middle finger before finding a vein and putting the drip in. 

"now last time we spoke, you promised me you would look after that rib. Lift up your shirt just so I can see it healed right."

Jaskier groans, "it's been two weeks.." he murmers, but lifts up his shirt either way, and the doctor presses his fingers towards his side, on his ribs, and If Geralt pays attention enough, he can see yellowish bruises that blend right in with his skin.

Right. He just broke up with his abusive ex not even two weeks ago.

"it seems fine. Breath in for me." Dr Chireadan murmers, and Jaskier takes a breath in, "and out." the singer exhales.

"okay, you seem fine. I'm still curious to know who did this too you" the Doctor backs away slightly, letting Jaskier drop his shirt back down.

"like I told you, I hit my side badly on—"

The doctor raises an eyebrow. "you haven't been coming to me as often, and Triss hasn't been coming in asking for medical advice, so I know things are getting better. But if you tell me, I can contact someone and we can press charges—"

Jaskier leans closely to Geralt, and the mercenary holds him tightly, reassuringly. 

" no thanks. " Jaskier goes quiet, clenching his jaw. "there's no evidence anything bad happened. Not anymore" it comes out a whisper, and Geralt remembers about Jaskiers phone.

Fuck.

Add that to the list of geralts fuck ups. 

"well, I can't pressure you to do anything, but the hospital can help if you do ever want to press charges against whoever hurt you." Chireadan assures, "just stay sitting upright for an hour till the drip neutralises everything"

Jaskier nods, and smiles at Geralt, taking the witcher hand in his. "you good?" he askes,

"this is my fault." Geralt looks away from Jaskier. "if I brought us to an actual date location, this wouldn't have happened"

"are you short a marble or two? This isn't your fault. You wanted a way to relax, and you thought of one, even if it was a very bad idea. People make mistakes, but you didn't force me to drink the beer." Jaskier shrugs.

"i—"

"hush. We can go on a better date later."

Jaskier rambles for an hour straight, Geralt making a remark here and there, but it's mostly Jaskiers talking filling the silence, and Geralt would be lying if he said he didn't find it slightly comforting. 

The nurse removes the drip and is about to apply the bandaid before Jaskier points to the bandaid with sonic on it, and askes for that one instead. The nurse chuckles, and complies, sticking the bandaid over the cotton ball. Jaskier grins, and they both leave the ER.

"I'm hungry" Jaskier pouts, taking out his wallet. He goes quiet for a moment, "nevermind."

"have no cash?"

"nope." Jaskier chuckles awkwardly, "and there's no food back at the apartment. Triss is visiting a friend, and she usually does the grocery shopping because I'm kind of an implusive shopper so if I see something I'm going to—"

"want to come by my place? I need to make dinner for Ciri and I anyways"

"what? No. I couldn't impose like that" Jaskier hums, shrugging.

"I wouldn't mind the extra mouth to feed. We actually usually have a lot of food waste." Geralt puts a hand on Jaskiers back comfortably, and The singer stares at him.

"really? Okay" He nods hesistatantly.

Geralt flags down a cab, and they make their way home.

"soo" Jaskier hums, as they approach geralts apartment and the older man takes out his keys. "what do you do for fun?"

"I like horse riding" Geralt admits, ears flushing slightly. "and sword dueling classes" 

"why can I imagine you riding a horse though?" Jaskier chuckles. "hmm, I was wondering why your hands were so rough, probably all the holding swords huh? Do you like—" Jaskier makes a swinging motion with his hands as if he's holding an imaginary sword. "and then boom, your enemy is sliced in half? Oh! Do you use real swords?"

Geralt let's out a rough chuckle, and Jaskier bumps his elbow with the man. They enter the kitchen, and Jaskier hops onto the kitchen island while Geralt takes out a couple steaks, and puts on an apron; rolling up his sleeves.

"c'mere" Jaskier tells Geralt, and The mercenary complies. The singer undoes Geralts hair tie before holding it in his mouth while he brings up geralts hair in a bun shape on the back of his head, before putting the tie back and firmly keeping it in place. "man, you still look handsome, even with a man bun"

Geralt rolls his eyes, and starts preparing the food, just as the door clicks and he hears Ciri comes home from School. 

"dad I'm home!"

"princess!" Jaskier exclaims, "we're making dinner"

Geralt raises his eyebrow at 'we', considering he's doing most of the work. Ciri walks into the kitchen, waving awkwardly at Jaskier.

"I never got to ask but are you my new dad?" She squints.

"no" Geralt says as Jaskier says, "Totally"

"ignore him," the singer smirks, "he wants to save telling you for the wedding" he jokes, and Geralt smacks Jaskier up the head, gently.

"uhh... Okay" She chuckles, before leaving the kitchen and going to her room to change.

Eventually, the food is done and hot, steak with mash potatoes and veggies, with gravy on top. They're eating in the living room as always. 

"seriously, Geralt, have you ever considered becoming a chef?" Jaskier tells him as he finishes his food. "I have never eaten anything that good"

"you should try his home made doughnuts, they're literally the best" Ciri grins, "also, he looks super silly covered on flour and baking stuff"

Geralt grunts, and Jaskier smiles. "I would pay and sacrifice anything to see Geralt baking"

"you won't have to pay because this Friday there's a charity bake sale at Ciris school." Geralt murmers, "im going to be baking all day."

Jaskier giddily nods, and something in Geralts heart warms when he sees how excited the man looks.

Ciri brings their dishes to the kitchen and washes up, and Jaskier suddenly looks a bit serious. 

"Geralt. Can I give you some advice?" He speaks slowly and quietly, and Geralt already knows what he's going to say.

_Get help_

"no" Geralt huffs, and Jaskier rolls his eyes.

"i.. I used to be homeless, as you know, and I found it very hard to sleep, I was paranoid I was going to get robbed of what little I owned at the time." He admits, "I forced myself to think of good times, from when I was younger, used breathing techniques and imagined a little story in my head"

Geralts fingers pick at each other. "that won't work with me"

"so what? Drinking would have done the job?" Jaskier sasses, "come" He grabs Geralts hand, and takes the man to his room, laying him down on his bed. Jaskier sits by Geralts legs, "you won't happen to have candles would you?"

"drawer in the kitchen, Yenn didn't want them, packed them with my boxes when we divorced" He murmers, and Jaskier nods.

The singer leaves and comes back with a green candle, A scent Geralt was familiar with. Autumn forest. It made him relax. He hasn't used it in a while. Jaskier puts it on his bedside table, and lights it, and Geralt takes in a breath of the smell. Pine needles, leaves, cinnamon..a touch of vanilla..

Jaskier undoes Geralts hair, letting it out, and puts the hair tie next to the candle.

"i know it's kind of early, but you look exhausted" Jaskier murmers, "let me try to get you to sleep" He brings up the blanket and wraps it around Geralt slightly, before dimming the lights.

"do you want me to tell you a story?" Jaskier askes, humming lightly.

"no- just.. Just be here" Geralt yawns, relaxing slightly.

Jaskier nods, going quiet, brushing his long fingers through Geralts hair softly. 

It takes 15 minutes before the mercenary is asleep, and Jaskier leans over, pressing a kiss to the man's forehead. He stays for an extra five minutes before leaving the room. 

He knocks on Ciris door, and opens it when the girl tells him to come in. 

"your dads asleep. Are you okay? Need anything?" He askes, and the girl pauses her video on YouTube. 

"i..." she bites her lip, "I don't know.. I don't know you that well but dad seems to like you" 

"you can talk to me" he says assuringly, sitting down next to her on the bed. 

There's silence for a moment, before she speaks. 

"I miss my grandmother." her voice cracks, "I miss her and- and Eist.." 

Eist. That rang a bell. Calanthes husband. He sang for her wedding with the man. 

"is Calanthe your grandmother?" he askes softly. "I sang at her wedding. I'm so sorry for your loss" 

"it's been four years, but—" 

"the anniversary of her death is coming up, I know, the whole community mourns" He mutters, pulling Ciri in for a hug. "we're here for you. This must be so hard to deal with at your age" 

Ciri nods, leaning against Jaskier. "I don't know how to talk to dad about this because he's always busy and— I feel awkward talking about my old family with him" 

"Geralt will understand, my princess" Jaskier presses a kiss to the top of her head. "he cares about you so much, and would drop everything for you. Take a minute to talk to him when he wakes up." he wipes her tears. 

"thank you" She mutters, giving Jaskier a awkward, yet welcoming, smile. "sorry I cried on your shirt" 

"it's okay" He chuckles. "I need to go, but if you ever need anything, Come to Merigold cafe. I work 11 - 6" 

She nods, and Jaskier stands. He leaves Ciris room, leaving the apartment. 

Jaskier tucks himself into his jacket, walking home quickly, and entering his apartment. He finds it cold, and rushes to turn on the radiator, going to his room to change.

He composes, sings and practices the guitar till he gets tired. Triss still hadn't come home.

He lets himself fall asleep as he hears the door click, assured that his friend was home safe. 

* * *

When Geralt wakes up, its at 5 am, and the candle by his side is no longer lit.

Hes gotten a full night's rest. 

For the first time in a week.

He finds himself smiling, if it hadn't been for Jaskier he wouldn't have gotten that.

Hes out of his apartment, jogging around the streets till 7 am, and goes back home to make breakfast for Ciri. Quick chocolate chip pancakes before school ought to get her ready for the day. 

"dad..?"

He turns and looks at her, and frowns when he sees her still in her pajamas. "hey, my princess. Why aren't you ready for school?"

"I.. Uh.. I don't want to go.." She rubs her arm. "tomorrow is the day my grandmother had died.."

Geralt feels his mouth become dry. Had he been so busy he didn't even notice that Ciri was upset about this.

"okay, that's fine, sweet pea. I made your favourite, Chocolate chip pancakes" he approaches her, and lifts her up into his arms.

"are you busy today..?" She says quietly.

"yeah, im sorry. I have dinner plans with Yenn." He brushes her hair out of her face. "tomorrow, I'll treat you."

She nods, and Geralt puts her back down. She takes her plate of pancakes and starts eating. Geralt takes out his phone and dials the school, getting her absence authorised. 

He sits next to Ciri as she eats. 

"want to talk about it?" He askes, unsure. He had never been good with comforting people.

"not— uh" her voice chokes slightly, and Geralt feels his heart break, "not now"

"okay, kid" He ruffles her hair. "can I do your hair?" He knew she liked it when he attempted to do a hair style for her.. But he was learning the best he could for Ciri.

She smiles, and nods. Geralt braids her hair, messing up a few times, but gets it right eventually.

"want to go out with Dara today? Or your friends?" he tries.

"no" She chuckles. "im fine staying at home."

"okay." he kisses the top of her head, "I need to go do some shopping before going to Yenns, want anything from the store?"

"gummy bears?"

"of course" He hums, nodding, giving her a smile.

Geralt changes out of his work out clothes and into something more casual, leaving the apartment again, and making his way to the store. He buys groceries and some notebooks for Ciri, along with her requested gummy bears. 

He returns home with the food, and unpacks it in the kitchen, but bringing Ciri her new notebooks and gummy bears. It isn't long before he looks at the time again, and he has to leave to Yennefers.

He finds himself infront of the council women's door, his old house, and knocks. She opens the door, and smirks.

"you're early" She hums, "by an hour"

She invites him in, and they sit at the dining room table. 

"and you already knew I was going to do that because the food is done." He chuckles.

"yes, well, I was married to you for a while." She tucks her hair behind her ear.

"you look nice" He compliments, and she rolls her eyes.

"you look as dashing as ever"

They sit, and Geralt doesn't hesistate to start eating, and finds his mouth in heaven; his cooking may be nice, but Yenn's was wonderful.

"i wanted to talk" She takes a bite of her food.

"what about?" Geralt rubs his chin slightly.

He notices she sighs, and her shoulders are tense. "I miss Ciri"

Geralt frowns, "nothing is stopping you from coming over to visit her. Its been a couple days since she moved in"

"I guess that means she can't stay with me sometimes?"

"personally, I fought very hard in court against you and your ten lawyers so she could stay with me and out of your hands" He huffs, raising an eyebrow. "if you want to see her, you'll have to visit my apartment, or if she wants to stay over, then fine"

Yennefer is quiet for a moment. "okay, fair enough. We already sorted this out in court. Let's talk me and you"

"there's nothing to talk about" He crosses his arms.

"I don't hate you, Geralt, and I know you well enough to know you don't hate me" She places a hand on his knee.

"so?"

"we don't have to be enemies, we can still stay in contact, hang out, be.. Friends. Remember before we were married?"

"when you had a target in your head?" he growls, "I remember."

"we hung out, and got to know each other." She shrugs, "I don't see why we still can't do that"

Geralt rubs his neck, and sighs. 

"well.. We can."

"tell me, besides your newest contract, have you found anyone interesting? Someone you may love?"

_Jaskier_

"I guess you could say so" He rolls his eyes, "not really though"

"you need to move on, live..." Her voice gets quiet, "get some therapy for..y'know"

"I don't need help" He shakes his head. "if that's all, I'll be leaving"

"Geralt." she grabs his arm, and Geralt meets her eyes.

He stands, getting ready to leave when—

Yennefer pulls him back slightly, and her lips are on his, and something in him cannot pull away, not matter now hard he tries. Hell, he leans deeper into the kiss, and suddenly, Yennefer is against the wall. 

* * *

Jaskier finishes his last coffee order before his shift finishes, waving goodbye to Triss, and leaving the cafe. He quickly moves through the crowds on the street, making his way through town, and making his way to the park from last night.

"Julian! As I live and breath!" A hand claps his shoulder and Jaskier jumps, before relaxing. His eldest of three sisters was always brash.

"Ayanna.." He chuckles, "hey. Uh, you said you wanted me to help you look around town?"

"please!" She grins, looping her arm with his. "I finally did what you did! Move out! Told father to suck on it"

"ohmy— seriously?" He snorts, "wonder what his reaction was"

"something between a dramatic gasp and being two seconds away from grabbing his belt"

Jaskier rolls his eyes, and guides her through town.

"hows life?" She askes, "last I saw you, you come out, and dropped out of school, before dear old dad kicked you out"

Jaskier shrugs, "I mean, I'm doing good now. The first few years after..were a bit rough. I was homeless for a bit, but that's only because I didn't know anyone here. Or have any cash. But you have both those things, so, things will be well for you!"

Jaskier shows her the markets and stores, Merigold cafe, and she meets Triss. 

"unfortunately, this place is one of many.. Possibilities where I may live." His sister hums, "Father wanted you to return home, to Lettenhove"

Jaskier rolls his eyes, "we wants us all to be stuck under his roof, under his control, till the day we die, no thanks"

"good, I wasn't expecting you to go back. I just.. I was worried about you, Pollia and Robin miss you. I missed you" She crosses her arms. "it wouldn't hurt to pay them a visit, with your girlfriend, or boyfriend, or whoever l— are you married? No— you would have invited me."

"I'm not married, sister" He laughs, "still a bit young for that. I think i showed you all there is"

His sister nods, "well, I just wanted to see you, and get the tour, I have a meeting a town over. Where's the nearest train station?"

Jaskier takes her to the train station, and buys her a ticket. Before she boards, he gives her a hug, and waves. 

This got him thinking. About his family. He hasn't thought about them in a long time, hell, the last time he saw his entire family since he was kicked out was at his mother's funeral.

Since he saw his father. 

That abusive bastard. 

But he did need to see his sisters, Ayanna had said they missed him. He missed them.

Maybe he could visit, with Geralt, or by himself. Either way, it didn't matter, as long as he avoided seeing his dad. 

He walks back to Merigold, and gets a iced coffee, sitting down.

Would ever want to meet his parents?

He knows he accidentally told Geralt his mother had died when he was having a panic attack, but would he want to meet his father?

What would be Geralt's reaction to his family, and his old home?

He's probably think Jaskier was pathetic. Leaving a life of riches for music and.. Well, bring himself.

He shakes his head, there's no shame in that.

That got him thinking, what about the mercenaries family? He already knew of Ciri and his ex wife, but what of father and mother?

Geralt never mentioned them.

Perhaps that's for good reason

* * *

Geralt pants, and Yennefer lays next to him. 

"fuck." he murmers, "fuck. We just—"

"exactly that" she rolls her eyes, "what the fuck came over us? I have.. Istredd, and you have that fello—"

"fuck! Jaskier!" Geralt sits up, "I can't believe I just did that to him"

"it was a mistake, this dinner was a mistake.. This was all too soon. We just divorced" Yennefer ties up her hair. 

"shit.." Geralt gulps, feeling guilty. "fuck. Damn it, Yennefer"

"this is my fault?!" She gasps, "you're the one who was going to leave!"

"you kissed me!"

"you could have pushed me away, fool!" She huffs.

Geralt grits his teeth, before picking his clothes off the floor and putting them on.

"we shall never speak of this again" He says gruffly, "not a word to anyone or I swear to god"

"you must really like this one" Yennefer crosses her legs over each other. "this Jaskier. He's more than your target"

Geralt swallows down whatever was building up in his throat "maybe."

Yennefer laughs and claps his hands together, "this will be a sight to see, your internal struggle whether you shall put a bullet between his eyes or.."

"I will put a bullet between your eyes" he snaps, glaring at her.

Yennefer shushes him, "fine, we won't talk of this to anyone. Just our little secret. And hopefully, the last time this happens. I would rather move on from you."

"the feeling is mutual" he rolls his stiff neck, "I need to go make Dinner for Ciri"

"take some of my food for her, she likes it" Yenn insists, grabbing a robe and wrapping it around her nude body, walking out of the bedroom, Geralt following her, and puts some of her dinner in a container for Ciri.

"I.. Uhh... See you around, Yenn"

"goodbye, Geralt" she watches as he leaves her house.

It's not long before Geralt arrives home and puts the container of food for Ciri in the microwave, before giving it to the girl. 

"thank you" Ciri murmers, eating. He plants a kiss to her head.

"I love you" He tells her.

"I love you too.." she nods, "can you stay?"

He sits on her bed with her while she eats, and continues to stay by her side the entire night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit more a filler chapter just so the readers can have a bit more context regarding Ciri, Geralt, and Jaskiers life outside of each other. I want to encorperate Yennefer a lot more in the future, so the things that happen in this chapter, will be mentioned in future chapters. 
> 
> I completely made up Jaskiers family, because I tried to do some research on them, but it seems Dandelions family just reaches out to his lovers and not any biological siblings or parents. So please excuse them. 
> 
> Thank you for reading :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaskier has a busy day at Merigold, Geralt makes a visit. After Jaskiers shift, angst happens, they talk.
> 
> Jaskier makes an impulsive decision to go visit his father and sisters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of dub-con, abuse, choking,and murder. 
> 
> Also, I made Vesemir Geralts dad because why not, 
> 
> Ps, Cahirs brief appearance won't be very brief in the future. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

_A hand around his throat, _

_He can't breath, fuck, he feels like he's falling. _

_Wake up. _

_Wake up. _

_The hand squeezes tighter and he chokes, the last thing he sees is a wicked smile._

_"wake up"_

_He's gasping and clawing at the hand, he wants it off of him, why won't he let go?_

_"Jaskier, wake up"_

Jaskiers eyes snap open, and he rubs his eyes. Triss looks at him tiredly.

"I know you're tired, but sleeping on the job isn't allowed" She claps his shoulder, "I just got a order of 20 coffees, 10 black, 10 with creamer. Apparently a photoshoot is happening down the road. Get on it."

Jaskier nods and stretches, beginning on the drinks quickly, he avoid thinking of his dream, and avoids the dark part of his mind that wanted that hand around his throat again.

He never told anyone, but some part of him, some twisted, sick, part of him, started to like it when he was slapped, or hit, or bruised. Not in the kinky way, it was kind of unexplainable. Perhaps he had just gotten so used to it, that he didn't mind it.

Jaskier finishes the first ten coffees, rubbing his throat subconsciously before getting onto the other ten. He nods at Joseph, one of the other workers here at Merigold, as the man takes away all twenty coffees to Triss.

Geralt hadn't come into the coffee shop since their date, and he hoped things were okay. That hopefully he didn't fuck up royally some how.

"what's wrong?" Triss speaks up behind him, making him jump.

He gives her a light glare as he almost spills the steamed milk. 

"nothing, why?"

"you're usually a lot more talkative" She gives him a concerned look, and he rolls his eyes.

"I just, my throat feels weird today" He clears his throat, and focuses on pouring the milk into the hot chocolate that was ordered.

"uh huh" Triss hums, "are you sure?"

Jaskier goes quiet for a moment before glancing at her again. "well.. Geralt hasn't come in since our date and I'm kind of worried I messed up"

There's a knowing glint in her eyes, and she smiles.

"he'll be here soon, I'm sure" She walks away from him, going into the back to collect the new order of supplies.

Jaskier finishes the hot chocolate, with whipped cream and grated chocolate on top, putting it at the counter and he watches happily as a kid takes it slowly and sips from it contently.

"let me take over the register" Jaskier murmers, Joseph nods and leaves the register.

"one coffee please" The man orders.

"uhmm..," Jaskier blinks tiredly, he saw the man's lips move, but he didn't hear the words come out. "what?" 

"one coffee please." the man repeats, "creamer and two sugars. Do you need my name?"

"yes." Jaskier nods. 

"Cahir." he tells Jaskier. 

Jaskier clenches his jaw, and types out the order, "that'll be 3.99"

Cahir hands over the money, before walking away from the register and sitting on one of the sofas, waiting for his order to be done.

Five or so minutes pass, and another customer comes in. 

"order please" Jaskier says, not looking up from the screen.

"hm, I haven't been here for three days and you forget my normal order?" A familar voice speaks, and Jaskiers head snaps up to look at him.

"Geralt." He says, relief lining his voice. "black coffee. Got you" he types it down, and Geralt places the money on the counter, to which Jaskier takes it and puts it into the register.

"you haven't been here a while, I was starting to think my vomiting drove you off" Jaskier jokes, chuckling nervously.

"I had some stuff to mull over."

"oh?" Jaskier raises an eyebrow. "is that code for you had to kill someone?" he whispers, grinning.

Geralt rolls his eyes and grunts, "no"

"I'm going to get a new phone today, and I don't remember your phone number, can you write it down for me?" He hands Geralt a pen and a tissue to write it on.

The mercenary writes it down smoothly, before handing it over. 

"thanks, white wolf" Jaskier grins, and pockets it.

"white wolf?" Geralt raises an eyebrow.

Jaskier smirks, "you said you didn't want your name used in my songs, so when I write amazing songs about you, I just use that instead"

"hm" Geralt nods as Jaskier slides over his coffee.

"oh shit, I was supposed to call out this person's name a while ago.." Jaskier grabs the paper cup that Joseph had set next to him a bit ago. "Cahir?" he calls out.

The man comes over, brushing Geralts side slightly as he takes the coffee and steps away, sitting back down.

"when your shift is over, are you free?" Geralt askes, and Jaskier smirks.

"yep, " he says, "why? Miss me?"

Geralt raises an eyebrow before walking away, and Jaskier pouts. He puts a smile back on his face as another customer comes in.

An hour or so passes, and Jaskier pretends to not see Geralt waiting for him, he pretends he doesn't see how the mercenary shuffles his legs and moves his hands, how he finished his coffee a while ago, but stayed.

He finally gets off his shift, clocking out and saying bye to Triss and Joseph, putting his apron in the back. He watches as Geralt approaches him and beams at the man. 

"you waited for me" Jaskier grins, "if you want to hang out, you have to come with me to get my new phone first."

"fine" Geralt murmers,

It doesn't take long to get Jaskier a new phone, a cheap, but good model, and he inserts geralts phone number, sending a smiley face as his first new message to the man, despite Geralt being right next to him.

"okay, so, what did you want?" Jaskier tilts his head.

He sees Geralt stare at him for a while before speaking. 

"come home with me." He tells him, voice soft.

"sure." He smiles at Geralt, and while they walk side by side, His hand brushes the mercenaries. He slowly takes Geralts hand in his, and smiles to himself when Geralt doesn't take his hand back.

It doesn't take long for them to go to Geralts apartment, it's empty, he guesses Ciri just have gone out with a friend or something.

"want coffee?" Geralt askes, raising an eyebrow.

"dude, I work at a coffee shop for a living, I'm a bit sick of it." Jaskier chuckles, "tea wouldn't hurt though"

Geralt nods, and starts on that tea, two sugars at Jaskiers request, and hands it over when it's done. 

"you haven't been coming to Merigold for a while" Jaskier hums, "seriously, what's up?"

"i said I was thinking about something" Geralt sits next to Jaskier, his body language was unsure, and nervous, that made Jaskier wonder if he did something wrong to make Geralt feel like that.

"hey, you can tell me anything" Jaskier attempts, putting his hand out to rub Geralts arm reassuringly, but stops when the witcher freezes and gives him a look. "did.. Did I do something wrong?" 

Geralt eyes widen slightly. "no, Jaskier, i—"

Jaskier puts his head down, "I.. Im sorry" He apologises, before Geralt can say anything for, he's not sure what he's apologising for, but it was instinct.

"Jaskier. Don't be sorry." Geralt sighs, "I just..my emotions are getting the better of me."

"oh" Jaskier sips his tea, "the stoic Geralt of Rivia admits he has emotions?" His face switches with the snap of his fingers, as if he wasn't feeling unstable a minute ago. "what's up?"

"I feel.." _guilty _"unsure about what to do with one of my targets" 

"oh?"

"i've been ordered to make them fall in love with me, and then kill them" Geralt admits, "but they're too nice, too.. Good, to be killed"

"you don't want to hurt them" Jaskier hums, "I understand, your morals and conscience are fighting your orders. You did tell me you wouldn't kill anyone who didn't deserve it"

"that's the thing. I don't know how to back out. My employer seems so determined to kill y— this person that I'm sure they'll hire someone else. Im sure that someone else won't be as.. empathetic as I am."

"well.. This is gonna sound a bit gruesome, but why don't you just kill the employer? Anyone who's willing to hire someone to kill another person must be a bad person who deserves it"

"but I need the cash my employer is giving." Geralt groans. "I don't see a way out of this."

"rob them?" Jaskier shrugs, finishing his tea.

Geralt grunts, and finally meets Jaskiers eyes. Jaskier smiles at him assuringly.

"things will be okay." Jaskier tells him softly. "things will work out."

"i hope so" Geralt pauses, "can I ask you something?"

"go ahead." Jaskier tilts his head, leaning closer almost subconsciously.

"it's about your ex.. I hope you don't mind. I just.. Triss told me things between you two weren't good." Geralt glances down, it was a half lie, "I want to know what to avoid bringing back bad memories"

"well.." Jaskiers hand goes up to his neck, rubbing it gently, "uh.."

There's silence for a while, before Jaskier rubs his face and speaks again.

"he used to hit me." He admits, "he would manipulate me, and be possessive. He would search my phone every day. I trust you aren't like that. You wouldn't hurt me, or be controlling. Right?"

Gerald's heart clenches at how raw Jaskiers voice is, how vulnerable he sounds. 

"of course I wouldn't"

But in the end, their entire relationship was built because Geralts goal was to hurt him— to kill him? So isn't it all a lie.

"one thing that really triggers me is grabbing me" Jaskier clears his throat, "my wrists or uh, neck. Don't touch there. Well, my wrists are kind of a neutral zone. Just don't be rough" he rambles.

"anything else?" Geralt reassuringly squeezes Jaskiers hand softly.

Jaskier is quiet for another moment, and Geralt hates how somber he looks.

"he had this way of touching me.. It was.. Ugh." Jaskier takes his eyes off Geralt, they're red, and brimming with tears. "like, can I?" he makes a gesture, as if asking Geralt if he could touch him to show him.

"go ahead" Geralt shrugs.

Jaskier goes forward to touch the mercenary, hands on his hips, fingers almost moving in a sexaul manner, before his hand moved down and up. It made Geralt strangely uncomfortable. 

"it was like.. That's when I knew he wanted to fuck" Jaskier takes his hands off Geralt, "half the time we actually did stuff together I felt pressured to."

Geralt is quiet, watching as Jaskier seems to shrink into himself. 

"sometimes if I said I didn't want to, he'd be okay with that. Other times he'd start swearing at me and..yelling. If I was lucky, that was all" Jaskier mumbles, wiping his eyes dry. He suddenly smiles. "but uh, that's in the past"

"doesn't dismiss it happened, songbird" Geralt murmers, "even if it is in the past, two weeks isn't that long"

"I never.. Told you it was two weeks since me and him broke up" Jaskier squints, eyebrows furrowing together.

Geralt sweats, fuck, "uh, Triss told me"

"oh. Of course" Jaskier chuckles dryly. "speaking of, she has a friend over today, is it okay if I sleep over? It's totally fine if I can't"

"course you can" Geralt nods, the corner of his lip turning upwards slightly. 

"thanks" Jaskier grins, "have you been sleeping better?"

"the candles did help" Geralt nods, "but I still get some nightmares."

Jaskier nods, "my sister used to have awfully bad nightmares for weeks, couldn't get them to stop no matter what, sometimes she scream and wake up the entire neighbourhood. Neighbours hated her for weeks" The singer rambles.

"hm" Geralt dismisses his ramblings, but watches him talk anyways. 

"personally, I barely have nightmares." Jaskier hums, "I did have one today, though" 

Geralt nods, before taking out his phone. "im ordering food."

"cant be bothered to cook?" 

"I'm going to be baking all day tomorrow. Rather have a rest before running into that madness. I hate PTAs" 

"PTAs?" Jaskier raises an eyebrow. 

"parent-teacher association. Tomorrow is Ciris bakesale after school, I gotta be there" Geralt rolls his eyes, "don't get me wrong, I love being there for Cirilla. Its just that her teachers can't keep their eyes off me" 

Jaskier wolf whistles, "neither can I though" He smirks, "you and your handsome mug would capture anyones eyes" 

Heat rushes up to Geralts cheeks. "what?" 

"I called you handsome, pretty boy" Jaskier chuckles softly. "you look like you're about to combust, you good?" 

"Jaskier" Geralt murmers, "shut up" 

Jaskier grins, laughing lightly as Geralt busies himself with ordering from a vegan place, three take away boxes for him, Jaskier and Ciri.

"i cannot believe I got you so red so fast" He pokes Geralts side. "is the big white wolf flustered?" 

"no— I am not" Geralt splutters, "no one's ever called me pretty boy before" 

Jaskier hums, smiling at Geralt. "yeah well, you can be handsome and pretty at the same time, we don't stand toxic masculinity in this household" 

Geralt snorts, "shut up, Jask"

"I never asked but is the white hair a genetic thing or?" Jaskier tilts his head curiously. 

"mhm" Geralt nods.

"thats chill" He grins, "you should dye your hair" 

"don't even think about it" Geralt gives him a light glare. 

Jaskier puts his hands up as if he's surrendering, "fine, fine.." he pouts. 

Geralt stands and walks to the door, and opens it before the delivery man could knock. The man stares at him for a minute before handing over the boxes of food, and walking away. 

"how did you know he was there?" Askes Jaskier, taking the small box of food that Geralt hands him. 

"my hearing is better than others." Geralt shrugs, "doesn't matter, can you grab the hot sauce from the kitchen?"

Jaskier nods, and goes into the kitchen, looking for the hot sauce, and just as he picks it up, he notices a piece of paper on the counter. It probably isn't his place to look, but he's curious. He slowly takes it, and turns it around. It was a letter, from someone named Vesemir, and a photo attached to the letter by a paperclip. Behind the photo was written 'Kaer Morhen' in neat handwriting.

He hesistates, he shouldn't snoop but—

'Geralt,

It's been a while. Lambert and Eskel are starting to think you officially aren't coming back. You'll visit this winter, though, I know you. And I know you want Ciri to meet me. You said so last time you saw me. I hope things are well with Yennefer and Ciri, I haven't heard from you—'

He drops the letter before he could read further as he feels a hand grab onto his wrist tightly, pulling him roughly. He flinches and looks at Geralt guiltily. 

"why the fuck are you reading my letter?" He snaps at Jaskier, still gripping the singers wrist tightly, but not enough to bruise, just enough to stop him. 

Jaskier goes quiet, "i—I.. Im sorry. Please don't hit me." he whispers, shoulders tensing. 

Geralts eyes widen as he drops Jaskiers wrist. "I wouldn't hurt you. Ever. I'm sorry for snapping at you" He slowly takes a step back. "this letter is just very private, it's from my adoptive father"

"I understand— i- I shouldn't have been snooping" Jaskier keeps his eyes on the floor, shoulders relaxing at Geralts soft tone.

"fuck, Jaskier. I scared you, didn't I?" Geralt murmers.

"not you. I just.." He chokes, closing his eyes. "you grabbed me and suddenly I was back with him and I felt like I was drowning again."

Geralt gently takes Jaskiers wrist, stepping close to the singer slowly again, and he brings Jaskiers wrist up to his lips. He kisses his wrist softly.

"you're okay." He mutters to Jaskier, moving his lips from the man's wrist to his cheek. "I'm sorry. I fucked up, didn't I?"

"kind of" Jaskier admits, chuckling quietly. "its okay. You didn't mean to. You forgot. I don't want you to treat me like a baby."

"okay" Geralt nods slowly, "I won't." 

Jaskier suddenly wraps his arms around Geralt, and the mercenary does the same, both feeling secure in each others arms. 

"lets go eat that vegan garbage you got" Jaskier jokes, grabbing the hot sauce from the counter again. 

Geralt nods, muttering something about the food being healthy, and they both go back into the living room, Jaskier puts on _Daredevil _on Netflix. He smiles when he sees that Geralt is actually intrested in the show. He slowly leans his head on Geralts shoulder.

The click of the door doesn't alarm Geralt, so it doesn't alarm Jaskier.

"I'm home" Ciri says,

"welcome back, Ciri" Geralt speaks up, "I got that vegan food you like,from that place. Its in the kitchen counter"

Ciri nods, walking past the living room and going to the kitchen to get her food.

They watch till episode 3 of season 1, and it's dark outside now. Jaskier yawns, and gets comfy on Geralts shoulder.

"Little lark" Geralt whispers, "im going to move you to my bed"

Jaskiers eyes snap open, "where are you going to sleep?"

"on the couch?" Geralt raises an eyebrow.

"fuck that, share with me." Jaskier shrugs, "you've had your tongue shoved down my throat, it won't be the worst thing ever"

Geralt chuckles, "fine." He presses a kiss to Jaskiers forehead, and picks up the singer slowly.

As he moves Jaskier to his bed in his arms, he gruesomly thinks about how this may be how Jaskier would be like if Geralt killed him. In his arms, as still as death.

Fuck. He'd make it his mission to make sure Jaskier would stay alive.

He had to. 

He gets into the bed with Jaskier, and doesn't mind when the singers arms wrap around him. 

He dreams of the war. He sees the child that had been shot, by instead of the little boy, its Ciri. He twists and turns in his sleep, sweating. 

Morning comes too soon, he's awake later than normal, Jaskier is awake next to him, just watching him. The singers hand comes to his cheek, rubbing in circle motions

"you had a nightmare" Jaskier murmers,

Geralt grunts, and Jaskier frowns.

"do you want to talk about it?" He askes softly

Geralt sits up, and gets out of bed, and that's answer enough for Jaskier as the mercenary goes to the bathroom to wash up and brush his teeth. He finds his way to the bathroom, and Geralt splashes water on his face as Jaskier stands at the doorway.

"if you talk about, it, it'll get off your chest" Jaskier assures. "I'm here for you"

"Jaskier" Geralt stops him, clenching his fists on the sides on the sink, before his shoulders droop and he looks back at the singer over his shoulder, eyes tired despite having slept the entire night, restlessly he may add.

"have you considered therapy?" Jaskier approaches him slowly, softly touching Geralts arm and rubbing up and down.

"I don't need to be fixed" Geralt snaps, teeth gritting against each other.

"it's not about being fixed, Geralt. It's about being helped. It's okay to be vulnerable. To let it out"

Geralt meets his eyes. "Yenn said the same thing." he shakes his head, "still doesn't change my mind. Its like sending a broken toy to be fixed."

"but you aren't broken just.." Jaskier trails off.

"exactly" Geralt rubs his face. "pancakes for breakfast?" He changes the subject.

He doesn't wait for an answer from Jaskier, walking past him and to the kitchen, and begins to make pancakes with blueberries. Jaskier sits down on the stool on the kitchen island just as Ciri walks in and sits next to him, dressed and ready for school.

"don't forget the bakesale starts at 4" She tells Geralt, and he nods.

"donuts and cookies right?"

"Reilys mum is bringing cookies" Ciri takes her pancakes, and Jaskier does the same.

"Janice and her son can shove it where the sun don't shine. I'm going to make cookies that make everyone a block away come for this bakesale" Geralt rolls his eyes.

"Geralt! Don't use that language" Jaskier scolds. "ignore everything he just said."

"uh..okay" Ciri quickly finishes her pancakes quickly, taking a sip of the milk Geralt placed infront of her before grabbing her bag and rushing out of the apartment.

Geralt cleans up the pan and the pancake mix before proceeding to put on his apron. He looks at Jaskier.

"do you mind?" He takes out his hair tie and passes it to the singer, who has finished eating as Ciri left.

Jaskier wipes his mouth and shakes his head, grabbing the hair tie and putting it in his mouth as he puts Geralts hair up in a bun, tying it up quickly. 

"secure and nice." He pats Geralts shoulder, grinning.

The witcher nods, and starts making the dough for the donuts, and Jaskier hums. 

"I left my guitar around here somewhere.." He stands and looks around, entering the living room and finding it there, from last night. He picks it up and enters the kitchen once more, and starts strumming.

He sings a new song, and his eyes stay closed for a while as he focuses, he doesn't hear complaints from Geralt about his singing, and eventually opens his eyes; looking up at the mercenary, who was kneading the dough flawlessly. His eyes trail to the back of Geralts neck, which was usually covered by the man's long hair. Jaskier blinks twice, trying to see if he was seeing things right. There was a hickey on the back of Geralts neck. He surely didn't leave it there. His throat dries, and he stops strumming for a moment, and contemplates asking Geralt about it.

But he doesn't. 

He slowly takes a breath in, and keeps playing, singing quieter. He remembers he needed to put in his other contacts in his phone, such as his sister, and Triss.

He puts down the guitar, and taking out his phone, tapping in triss' phone number, and Ayannas. He had a shift today, in two hours.

_[J] Triss, heads up, I'm taking the day off_

_[T] why? What's up?_

_[J] you may need to find a fill in for the next three work days, actually_

_[J] I'm considering going back to Lettenhove to make a visit to my sisters._

_[T] thanks for telling me before your shift started, I can get Ryan to fill in._

_[T] paid leave?_

_[J] no, just consider it taken out of my sick days_

_[T] okay_

_[T] have a good trip, okay? Be safe_

_[J] I might not go, I don't know, I'll let you know if I do, just don't expect me in today._

He puts his phone back in his pocket, and looks up at Geralt again, smiling slightly, standing from the stool and walking over. 

"hey" He puts his hands on his hips, trying not to stare at the hickey on the man's neck, "want some help?"

"can you put this in the fridge, it needs to rise" he hands Jaskier a bowl covered by a cloth, the dough, Jaskier assumes.

He takes the bowl and puts it in the fridge. 

"anything else?" he hums.

"no, im going to start making the cookies. All you have to do is sit back and taste rest for me" the corners of Geralts lips turn up gently.

"okay" Jaskier nods, taking a seat as Geralt starts making the cookie dough.

"so uh, did you see anyone recently?" Jaskier clears his throat, and Geralt grunts.

"had dinner with Yennefer, just to discuss some stuff." Geralt glances at him.

"just dinner?" Jaskier askes, almost quietly.

"yeah." Geralt says, and Jaskier is surprised by how good of a liar he is, he sounded so confident in his own words. "just dinner. Why?"

"oh, uh, nothing." Jaskier rubs his arms, suddenly feeling chilled. "can I borrow a sweater or something?"

Geralt nods, "yeah. There's a couple in my dresser, top shelf."

Jaskier steps out of the kitchen and waddles into Geralt's room, going to his dresser and finding a sweater to slip on. Him and Geralt werent too different, it's just that the mercenary had broader shoulders, and his arms were thicker (damn his work out routine because this sweater made him look tiny).

He doesn't leave the room just yet, picking up a picture frame of Geralt, Ciri and Yennefer standing together, looking happy and proud that Ciri was wearing a medal of sorts, with first place written on it. He looks at the other pictures, most of them had Yennefer, but there was one that caught his eye.

He didn't know why, but he was intrested in Geralt's background, his family, where he's from. In this photograph, Geralt is standing with three other people, in front of the place that was in the photo from the letter in the kitchen, _kaer morhen, _he recalls. He assumes the older looking man with the beard, is Vesemir; who had written the mentioned letter to Geralt. The mercenaries adoptive father. The other two must have been Lambert and Eskel, they didn't look related at all, but He's reminded Geralt was adopted.

"I uh.." Geralts voice startles him. "I was abandoned by my mother at young. Vesemir found me and took me in"

Jaskier puts down the photograph, "im sorry, I was just curious"

"hey, don't apologise" Geralt insists, "it's okay. It's just your nature to be curious" He steps next to Jaskier, still wearing the apron from the kitchen. "the cookies are in the oven. Just wanted to check on you."

"yeah." Jaskier nods, unsure what to say. "you still have photos with Yennefer"

"does that bother you?" Geralt tilts his head.

"no" he lies, he's jealous, he's bitter because he knows something happened between them. "you look.. Close with Vesemir and your.. Brothers?"

"In some sense" Geralt let's out a noise that Jaskier makes out that it's a laugh. He puts a hand on Jaskiers shoulder. "I haven't seen them since.. The winter of 2018."

"are you going to go this year?"

"perhaps. I'll bring Ciri if I do." He shrugs. "and you, if you want to come. Yennefer went with me last time."

"i don't know..maybe" He rubs his neck, "I uh.. Geralt, if anything did happen between you and Yenn, I wouldn't be mad. Recently, I mean."

This was a test. To see if the witcher would be honest, and admit it. Either way, he wouldn't be mad, well, not too mad.

Geralt stares at him for a moment, "we.. Had dinner and.. Things got heated."

Jaskier nods, "okay. What happened?"

"she kissed me. Things escalated, we had sex" He admits.

Jaskier smiles tightly. "you have a hickey on your neck." he tells him, "that's how I found out. Next time, if there is a next time, please just tell me. If you didn't want to be exclusive, you didn't have to say we were"

"Jaskier" Geralt holds his hands, "it was a mistake. And it will never happen again. We are exclusive, okay?"

Jaskier takes a minute, before nodding, but he's quiet.

"i mean.." Jaskier pulls his hand away from Geralt, and ignores the hurt in the witchers face. "if you wanted sex, you could have came to me. What? Does the thought of having sex with me repel you? Am I not—"

Hes stopped when Geralt kisses him tightly, yet softly, the mercenaries hands on his waist gently. Geralt pulls away for a moment, mouth open slightly. 

Jaskier stares back at him with wide eyes, "oh"

"yeah."

Jaskier pulls Geralt back into a kiss, moaning into the man's mouth, and finds himself cornered into the wall. His hand finds their way to the back of the apron, undoing the tight knot and ready to pull it off before—

Geralt pulls away quickly, sniffing. "my cookies" He looks down at Jaskiers lips before back up at the singers eyes, he takes Jaskiers hand and they find themselves back into the kitchen, and Geralt is pulling the tray of cookies out of the oven. Putting them on top of the stove, and slapping Jaskiers hand gently when the singer reaches to take one.

"they're still hot, fool." He chuckles, taking off the oven mitts.

Jaskier hums, smirking. "y'know what else is hot?" and When Geralt grunts, raising an eyebrow. "you, especially when you kiss me"

Geralt exhales through his nose before finding Jaskiers lips again, but only briefly.

"later, little lark. I need to finish this" He murmers, a smirk played on his lips as Jaskier glares at him.

Geralt puts the cookies to the side to cool, taking out the dough that had risen twice from its original size. He puts flour on the counter, and on his hands, taking the dough out of the bowl and onto the surface, kneading it again. 

"I'm taking a trip to Lettenhove, to see my sisters and my father." Jaskier speaks up. 

"oh? For how long?" 

"three days at most. Depends if I'm welcomed with open arms." Jaskier pulls himself up onto the kitchen island, swinging his legs. "I have three sisters, y'know? All older than me."

"Lettenhove" Geralt murmers, thinking, "you grew up there?" 

"my father basically owns half of lettenhove land" Jaskier tells him, "I hate going back there, it's always 'what did you do wrong now? Do you need more money? Julian, what the fuck?' it gets frustrating" 

"Julian Alfred Pankratz." Geralt looks up at him, "your family is of nobility" 

"it's modern day, those ranks are so out dated, Julian Alfred Pankratz, Viscount de Lettenhove, doesn't exist anymore. Its just... Jaskier." Jaskier tells him. 

"your family did disgusting things" Geralt squints. 

"I know." Jaskier sighs, "I know. We're infamous for it. But I'm not apart of that anymore"

Geralt doesn't say anything as he pours oil into a pot, heating it up before putting the donuts in quickly. He flips it over three seconds later, the other side already golden brown.

"I'm just going to see my other two sisters, see to that they're okay and healthy. Fed and warm." Jaskier swings his legs, "im going to pack my stuff tonight and take the long travel train. Should take six hours at most to get there."

"how did you get to here from Lettenhove when you were homeless and broke?" Geralt raises an eyebrow.

"walked." Jaskier crosses his arms. "a painful journey. But, I did hitchhike half way through"

"hm" Geralt finishes frying the donuts, putting them on paper rolls, to drain the oil.

He starts making the icing, it's simple and quick, doesn't take long. He doesn't put it on the donuts immediately, he has to wait for them to cool first. But by now, the cookies are perfect temperature, and he takes one of the ugly ones out of the tray he has set aside. He halves it, giving Jaskier one side and himself the other. He takes a small bite, and bites back a smile when he finds what he tastes good. And from the look On Jaskiers face, the singer does too.

"that's so good" Jaskier moans out, snorting at his reaction before finishing the rest of the cookie in seconds.

"why do you eat so fast?" Geralt takes another bite,

"why do you eat so slow!" Jaskier retorts, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow.

"I like to appreciate the food in the moment." Geralt shrugs. "what's your excuse?"

Jaskier hums, shrugging. "I don't know. Triss thinks it something to do with how I was homeless for a while"

Geralt blinks, and nods, before dipping the donuts into the icing, packing them and the cookies up. "you coming to the PTA? You won't want to miss that bitch Janice's face when she sees I did better than her, and she owns a bakery"

Jaskier laughs, slapping his knee and nodding. "I'm not missing this"

Geralt bites the inside of his cheek as Jaskier straps his guitar to his back, and helps him carry the pastries, they leave the apartment, and make their way towards Ciris school. 

"so, you said something about horseriding a while ago?" Jaskier brings up.

"oh, yeah" Geralt smiles, actually fucking smiles, and because Jaskier brought up horses no less! "I ride this horse called Roach, well, I call all the horses I ride Roach, it's story for another time."

"roach huh?" Jaskier hums, raising an eyebrow for Geralt to continue.

"yeah. I go riding every Sunday. Right before my sword wielding classes, though, I've attended for years, since I was kid, so I don't really call them classes anymore. I just go to duel with others."

"you must like showing off" Jaskier grins, and they make it to Ciris school, a banner hung on the gate, about the Charity bake sale.

They go to the stand Ciri is waiting for them at, and they set up the donuts and cookies. A woman and a boy walk over, and Jaskier assumes it's Janice by the smug look Geralt has on his face. It may look stoic to any other person, but Jaskier could tell Geralts small quirks.

"oh! Mum, can we get one!" the boy pulls at Janice, and she scoffs, before pulling him away from their stand.

It doesn't take long before there's a line waiting to collect a pastry from them. Their charity box is stacked up with coins. 

"thanks so much" Jaskier says as he passes over a the last donut and takes a coin from the kid. 

"yes!" Ciri cheers, "I think we got the most money."

Geralt smiles softly at Ciri, ruffling her hair, and She grins at him.

"what's left of This PTA?" Jaskier askes, looking around.

"the bake sale was the main event, I never usually hang around for anything else—" Geralt tries but Ciri pulls at his sleeve.

"oh! You guys could do the Couples leg tie race! They tie your ankles together and you have to get to the end."

"I'm pretty sure Geralt would drag me on the ground for the entirity of the race" He chuckles.

"or we could do the family talent show? We each have to show a talent off" Ciri tries again.

"I mean.. To do that we have to be considered a family.." Jaskier mutters, tilting his head.

"Jaskier, you became apart of this family the moment you saved me from.. Y'know" Geralt reminds him of the day Jaskier had smashed his lute on that man's head to save Geralt. Huh.

"oh." Jaskier smiles. "okay. But.. We don't have to do a family thing for us to be a family" he shrugs. 

Ciri grabs his hand slowly and Jaskier feels his heart warm as she tightly squeezes his fingers, before grabbing Geralts hands too 

"can we go to the arcade?" she askes softly. 

"course we can" Jaskier grins, "im going to get you one of those giant bears. And a eraser for Geralt." 

Geralt rolls his eyes, and they make their way out of the school court yard, finding their way to the arcade. They play for a while, and Jaskier has himself a pile of tickets he had won. He goes to turn them in, and finds he can only trade them for a small stuffed animal, but he takes it anyways and gives it to the girl. She cheers and hugs it. 

Eventually, it's time for Ciri to go home, Geralt announces. And it's time he started making dinner for her. Jaskier smiles at him, and pulls Geralt in for a hug, quite suddenly. The witcher slowly returns it.

"I'm going to go pack to head to my father's. If I don't return in the next three days, file a missing persons report" Jaskier jokes, grinning. 

"be safe" Geralt pats Jaskiers arm almost awkwardly. 

"c'mon, you're talking to me. Safe is my middle name" 

"uh-huh, sure, like I didn't just pull you away from traffic on our way here because you crossed the street impulsively" Geralt crosses his arms. 

"well, the light was taking forever to change, in my opinion" He raises an eyebrow, smirking, before his face faltering. "try not to fall in bed with Yennefer while I'm gone."

Geralt opens his mouth to speak, before sighing. "that's fair..i won't."

"good." He presses a kiss to Geralts cheek, "see ya' around, Geralt and his little princess" 

* * *

Jaskier doesn't take long to pack, he packs three days worth of clothes, and his toothbrush, don't forget the skin care products he finds essential to keeping his skin clear. Triss arrives him just as he fixes the duffle bag onto his shoulder, and He smiles at her, she gives him a hug and tells him she won't hesistate to drive all the way to Lettenhove to pick him up.

He's at the train station sooner than later, his steps quick as its dark, and the druggies, the dealers and muggers come out from the shadows. He buys himself a ticket to Lettenhove, and waits for the train to arrive. He gets on, finds a comfy seat, and takes out a snack he packed for the trip to quell his hunger.

The trip is long, the old lady who sits across from him offers him her scarf when she sees he's just wearing a brown leather jacket and a hoodie, they chat, and exchange stories. She askes if he could play the guitar he had brought; to which he answers of course. The other passengers look at him, and as she askes if he could play, they seemingly agree.

He politely starts playing, and sings a old song his mother had sung to him not too long before he had left home, before her death. His voice is raw with emotion, and exhaustion, with loss and love. He pretends he doesn't notice one of the other passengers recording him, he didn't have a problem with it. 

He finishes singing, and there's a small applause. The train is quiet again, and no one spares him another glance. 

He falls asleep, clutching his duffle bag between his feet on the floor and his guitar in his arms. When he wakes up, its to the train finally stopping and the automated voice saying 'Lettenhove'.

He steps through the train station and the town slowly, almost nostalgic. He can feel eyes on him, but he doesn't look back. Like he had told Geralt, his family was infamous.

He steps through iron gates, and up the drive way to a large house, one may call it a mansion, Jaskier would call it hell. 

Before he could even knock, the door swings open and he sees the face of his sister. Pollia. She was a stunning replica of how their mother looked. He pulls her in for a hug.

"Pollia" He tells her, "Ayanna tells me you've missed me"

"I have" She tells him, "and so has Robin, and Father."

Jaskier holds back a cringe at the refrence to their dad, and puts his duffel bag down next to the door. "before we get into all of this, can I visit mum's grave out back?"

Pollia nods sympathetically, and Jaskier walks the halls quickly. The maids that watched him grow up don't give him a word, they weren't allowed to talk to him. He finds himself infront of his mother's grave, a tomb stone right underneath a statue of her.

He kneels down, presses his hand to her tomb, bites his lip but doesn't cry. 

"I miss you" He murmers.

"she misses you too." His middle sisters voice says from behind him.

"Robin" He stands and turns to look at her, and falters from giving her a hug when he sees her glare right into his soul. He forgot she often gained their fathers views.

"Julian. I missed you" She says coldly, and crosses her arms. "father wants to see you."

He gulps, and nods, fiddling with the strap of his guitar on his back, and follows her through the mansion. They arrive to a familiar room, Their fathers study. They were never allowed in there. The maids pull the doors open, and Jaskier braces himself.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaskier and his father have a talk. Geralt meets with Feril. He's given a tough choice to make.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a shit ton of Jaskier backstory and Geralt angst y'all

The door shuts behind him, and as he looks over his shoulder to the door before it does; he sees Robin looking at him, the same glare worn. He sighs, and turns to look at his father, who sat at his large desk, hands on top of each other.

"Julian" He says, and Jaskier maintains eye contact.

"Sir." He murmers, "it's been.. A while"

"that it has, my boy. Last time I talked to you was.. When you talked over your sexaulity nonsense. Glad to see you've gotten over yourself and came back home" He makes a gesture for Jaskier to take a seat.

Jaskier slowly steps forward and sits. "I mean—"

"your sisters and I.. Missed you" He tries to sound genuine, but Jaskier doesn't hear it.

"yeah well, I'm not here to stay. Three days max. I just want to make sure Pollia and Robin are fed and okay" Jaskier clenches his fists on his trousers, the fabric rubbing between his fingers.

"of course they are, what do you take me for, a monster?"

_Yes_.

He bites his tongue to not say that, but his father continues.

"such a pity that you aren't here to stay. You could have become heir to my company if you had stayed. Robin will be taking the mantle if you don't"

"I don't want your stupid company" Jaskier snaps, before sighing, "we've had this conversation before. I don't want it. Ayanna didn't want it either, so that's why you're giving it to Robin now, huh?"

"your disappointment of a older sister—"

"do not call her a disappointment. She's done this family prouder than you ever have or will. It's not a surprise she's finally left after trying for years to clear our name of the dirt you've shed on it." Jaskier crosses his arms, speaking boldly. "you ruined mothers name."

"as your sister is, your mother was. A deviant disappointing whore." His father bites back, and Jaskier clenches his fists, knuckles white with effort.

He was about to make a remark back, but if he wanted to stay for the next three days, that wouldn't be in his best interest. He sighs and glares at the floor, ignoring the smug laugh from his father.

"do you have a wife? Girlfriend, perhaps, yet?" his father makes a gesture. "If not, there's this girl who has a nice title that would love to be married to you."

"i have a boyfriend." He tells him, "I know what you're going to say and I don't want to hear it. If this conversation isn't going anywhere, this is where it ends."

"stay in your seat" His father commands, and Jaskier flinchs at the tone, freezing in the chair.

"a boyfriend? That's good for you" he hears the sneer in his father's voice, but doesn't comment on it. "can't wait to see you come crying back to me about how he broke your heart, just wanted to fuck you and then leave you. Perhaps I was wrong, it's not Ayanna that's the whore, you did always gain your mother's attrubutes more than your sisters"

Jaskier grits his teeth, standing and slamming his hands on the desk. "call my mum a fucking whore one more time and watch what happens"

"stand down, boy" His father grits back, "out of kindness, I'll allow you to stay for a while. Your room is untouched. Still the same from when you were 18"

Jaskier huffs, and nods. "is that all?" he askes, but he doesn't really care much if his father did have anything else to say.

"for now, yes." he fixes his glasses on his face, stepping out from behind his desk to go to his alcohol cabinet, taking out a fresh bottle of whiskey.

"still a drunk, I see" Jaskier rolls his eyes as he gets ready to leave.

"as long as you're under my roof," his father starts, "you will show me respect. I'm sure you remember the last time you stepped out of line."

Jaskiers hands tremble and he clenches his jaw. "how could I forget?" he tries to sound strong, but it's weak and fragile, he doesn't want to give his father the satisfaction of seeing his reaction; so he immediately takes action and leaves the room.

He rubs his face and murmers to himself for a moment, taking his steps quickly on his way to his old room. As he enters, hes surprised to see its practically the same; cleaned even.

He bites back a smile from the rush of nostalgia, he wouldnt let himself remember all the good when there's so much bad that happened here. He recalls being locked in here, with no food for what felt like forever. He remembers his mother slyly sneaking him food whenever his father insisted starvation was a proper punishment, if not the belt to his back.

Jaskier shakes his head, and dumps down his duffel bag and his guitar next to the wall, taking the chance to go to his dresser. On top of it, there were pictures of him and his family, mostly his mother. He picks up most of the frames and shoves them into his bag for when he's leaving.

There's a knock at the door, but before he could say come in, the door opens anyways. Robin rushes in and fuck, the look on her face said it all.

"fuck you" She grits her teeth, poking him in the chest. "I — fuck you! The minute your back he immediately offers the company to you. I had to work for it, for years! Years!"

"Robin" He tries.

"I had to give up everything to be the best, to— but you waltz back into our lives after leaving us! Me! And—"

"I didn't choose to leave" He yells at her, and immediately regrets it when she flinches back. "I'm.. I didn't choose to leave."

"yes you did. Dad told me you.."

"don't believe everything that bastard says." Jaskier sighs. "i came back to see if you guys were okay. I'm the youngest yet I feel like I'm acting the most mature right now."

"I'm sorry." she looks down. "what do you mean you didn't want to leave?"

"dad found out Im pansexaul and that I dropped out of school. He immediately kicked me out without a second thought. Mother tried to stop him."

"shit." she curses.

"it's fine. I was sick of pretending I was someone I wasn't anyways" He rubs his arm nervously.

"Julian I'm... Why are you back?" She questions.

"how has he been treating you and Pollia?" Jaskier crosses his arms, raising an eyebrow.

"he's been good to me. I know to stay in line. Pollia..? Not so much. She... Grew hysterical after mothers death. Father insists she can't leave the house to keep up our appearance. She has her little fits of.. Being crazy, if that's how I should word it" 

"shit" Jaskier frowns. 

He would have a lot of talking to do. 

* * *

Geralt gently tucks Ciri into bed, assuring she was warm and comfy before kissing her forehead. He gets out of her room, and goes into his room. He sits on his bed as he takes out his phone, checking his new messages. 

_[?] How's the objective going?_

_[G] he's left to lettenhove for a while, so I won't be able to see him._

_[?] He always hated mentioning his family. I'm surprised he went back. Did you know he was rich? If you find any cash in his apartment or on him, you can have it_

_[G] he's a bit scruffy. I don't think he has any of his families riches._

_[?] oh well_

_[?] when do you think you'll be able to finally kill him?_

_[...]_

_[...]_

_[G] I'm not sure._

_[?] that took a while to type. Are you sure that's all you wanted to say?_

_[?] You dont want to back out do you?_

_[G] no._

_[G] perhaps within the next month_

_[?] good._

_[?] I want to meet up and discuss how you're going to kill him_

_[?] how does swamp bridge sound?_

_[G] time?_

_[?] 11 am. Tomorrow._

_[G] k_

Geralt puts his phone down and lays down. He sighs, and rubs his eyes. 

He needed a reason to kill Jaskier. A real one. Some dirt on him that would make him hate him, because the man he had gone on multiple dates with was... Too good. 

He picks his phone back up and searches up 'Julian Alfred pankratz' 

20 years old. 

Mother, deceased. 

Father living, ceo of pankratz Bank. 

Three sisters, Ayanna, Robin and Pollia. 

He's the youngest sibling in his family. 

Some videos of him singing appear, some Google pictures of a younger version of him standing side by side with his parents, wearing a expensive looking suit. The title of the picture said something along the lines of company heir rejects said company. 

Jaskiers networth... 

Was low, compared to his families, but higher than Geralts and even Yennefers combined. 

There's nothing remotely bad about Jaskier, unless you include spoilt rich kid. 

There's even videos of Jaskier giving out large cheques at 16 to charities.

It's like the universe is screaming at him that he was a good person.

He groans aloud and throws his phone to the side and covers himself with his blanket, falling asleep slowly.

That morning he wakes in cold sweat, panting slightly. His heart is beating in his ears and he can't find it within himself to calm down at all. 

He closes his eyes and all he sees death and fire and—

His hands shake and he can't grasp onto reality, he can't he can't he can't he cant.

He needed someone, anyone, fuck

Someone to anchor him to safety and warmth. 

It hurt in his chest, his heart burned and his hands clawed at his arms, anything to draw him back to reality.

His shaking hands find their way to his phone, he pauses over Jaskiers contact, tears threatening to spill over, he can't catch his breath. He scrolls down through his contacts till he finds 'Vesemir' and presses it.

It rings a couple times and he closes his eyes tight when the click of the call connecting echos into his ears. 

"Geralt?" a familiar voice speaks, and he quietly makes a noise to let Vesemir know he was there.

"I.. I cant fuckin breath" he gasps out, voice stuttering over slightly, he bites his lip at how fragile he sounds and he fucking hates it because he's supposed to be strong.

Vesemir is quite for a moment, and Geralt realises its probably the middle of the night at Kaer Morhen. "I need you to focus on your breathing, kid"

"I- I can't" Geralt mutters, "they kept screaming, they kept fucking screaming and I couldn't do anything"

"breath with me, Geralt." Vesemir exaggerates his breathing over the phone, and Geralt does his best to follow. "it was just a bad dream, fool"

Geralt weakly grunts, breathing in and out slowly, finally catching his breath. "Vesemir.."

"you're well," Vesemir tries, he wasn't always the best at comfort, but he tries. "Lambert fuck off—"

Geralt let's a smile twitch, "is he there?"

"Lambert? Of course he is. The dumbass wants to be a dumbass across the continent apparently and start annoyin' you"

"I know you don't like phones and calling people so." Geralt murmers, the hidden apology is there between the lines. "I just.."

"don't need to start explaining yourself to me." Vesemir stops him. "everyone has a off day."

He's quiet for a moment before he murmers "thanks, dad"

Vesemir takes a moment as if he hadn't heard Geralt properly. His voice is rough yet Geralt finds it softer than his usual tone. "its no problem, son" he sighs, before returning to his usual demeanour, "Lambert I swear to god, I will throw you out of here in two seconds if you do _not_ put down my sword! You aren't a child!"

Geralt chuckles slightly, he hears Ciri approach before he sees her, she's standing at the doorway unsure. 

"hey, Vesemir, I'm going to have to hang up." he tells him, before hanging up without waiting for a response. "you okay, Ciri?"

"I heard you crying.. You were screaming.." she frowns, and Geralt puts his arm out for her to get into bed with him.

"daddy just.. He just has nightmares sometimes. You know how you get bad dreams?" He tries, and when she nods, he smiles slightly. "like that."

"oh." she murmers, "im sorry"

"don't be, Princess" he kisses the top of her head.

"is there anyone who can help you with these dreams?" she whispers slightly.

Geralt closes his eyes. He doesn't need help.

"no, there isn't." he sighs.

"then I can help" she shrugs, wrapping her arms around him. "Its going to be okay".

Geralt doesn't say anything in reply, just holding her tightly. He looks at his clock and frowns. 

"you aren't going to school?"

"it's the weekend, dummy" she chuckles.

Geralt nods tiredly, he gives her one last squeeze before letting go of her and standing, "I have a meeting, for work, in..." he looks at the clock again. "an hour."

"okay" Ciri nods. "can I have some cash? I'm going out with Dara."

Geralt looks around for his wallet before finding it. He opens it, and frowns. He takes out his last 10 note and hands it to her, giving her a smile.

"have fun, okay?" he ruffles her hair, before she leaves.

He changes quickly, brushing his teeth and tying his hair up in a half down half up do. As he leaves he grabs an apple from the kitchen and eats it on his way to go meet his employer. 

He finds his way to Swamp Bridge, it hangs over the long river that is often a tourist sight for foreigners. He goes jogging over it every day in the early morning, minus today considering.

He leans against the railing, staring into the water, patiently. He hears heavy and quick footsteps, and his eyes look over to see the man who had collected the phone from him — Feril.

"witcher." He greets. "finally a real in person conversation with the butcher of blaviken"

Geralt bares his teeth and growl erupts from his throat. He hated that title. _Renfri_.

"right, sorry" The man puts his hands up. "right to business."

"let's make this quick. Bullet between his eyes?" Geralt grits his teeth and crosses his arms. "there's always other options, you did say you wanted it to be painful"

"ah,ah wait a minute" Feril has a ugly smile placed on his lips. "he doesn't have to be killed. I got the idea last night."

Geralt feels a spark of hope in his chest, that maybe, just maybe, he could keep Jaskier his and alive.

"if you can convince him to come back to me, then, hey, he doesn't have to be killed. I'll still pay you full price. However, if that doesn't work, stabbing him would work too"

That spark on his chest immediately burns out and he frowns heavily.

Keep Jaskier alive and in the hands of this bastard? He may as well kill the singer. If not him, it would be at the hands of this abusive bastard.

"it would be such a pity for such a good voice to die." Feril smirks, watching him, almost knowing. "I'm sure you know what I mean, have you fucked him yet?"

Geralt flexes his hands before clenching them, he raises an eyebrow at him. "no, i haven't"

"hmm" Feril hums, grinning. "he used to do whatever I wanted, I love him so much"

"you want him dead!" Geralt snaps, before shaking his head, surprised at his own outburst.

"if I didn't know better, I'd think you'd actually started liking the fucker." Feril shrugs, "do whatever you want till he's either dead or back with me. I don't have a month to waste, so you have two more weeks before I take things into my own hands."

Geralt nods, "i need the promised cash for when I got you the phone, now."

Feril doesn't question it, but he takes out his wallet and takes out the promised cash, handing it over to Geralt. Geralt tucks it into his wallet and reminds himself to keep some for rent and groceries.

" I'll.. Do my best to find a way for Jaskier to.." Geralts fingers dig into his palm. "get back with you."

"good, good" Feril nods, "i have work to get to, bye, Witcher."

Geralt watches as the man walks away. He tares his stare away and looks back into the water under the bridge. Would he really be able to do that? Pressure Jaskier into getting back with Feril?

He puts his head in his hands, groaning quietly. Fuck. 

How was he going to do this?

He couldn't just tell Jaskier, "hey I think you should get back with your abusive ex"

It was either that or killing Jaskier, and he didn't want to kill the singer. But he wanted the man safe and.. Loved. It hurts his chest just to imagine Jaskier getting hurt again.

Maybe he could be..so rude and inconsiderate that Jaskier rebounds onto his ex? The chances of that working out were low, and he doesn't think he could find it in himself to do that.

A hand is put on his shoulder and his head snaps up, he meets eyes with Yennefer, she's dressed in one of her more formal dresses and Geralt remembers Tissaia was presenting her speech to the people along side Yennefer, against Stregobor and Artorius Vigo.

"hey" she says, "you look like you're in the middle of a crisis."

"im so fucked, Yenn" Geralt sighs. "no matter what I do, he's not going to be safe. Or happy. It's either I kill him or he's hurt"

He doesn't need to specify who, Yennefer is smart enough to figure it out. She frowns.

"sometimes, the best thing to do is to do what your gut tells you. What do you think you should do?"

"I.. I want him to live. But.. What's the point if he's not going to be happy and healthy and protected" He stares at her. "what would be the point of letting him live if he's just going to be miserable and in pain" 

"the point would be that everyone pushes through the tough parts of life.." Yennefer looks as if she's speaking from experience, she has that glint in her eyes. "and if he's really worth all of this worrying, then I'm sure he can push through and work it out, with or without you." 

Geralts lips part slightly and he closes his eyes, slowing nodding. "how did the speech go?" 

"pretty sure Tissaia is going to win. Im also.. Considering running next year" She shrugs. 

"against your own mentor?" He smirks, "that's going to be a sight to see" 

"what's the point of teaching someone unless you expect them to outshine you?" she grins, bumping her elbow with his, eyes meeting. 

Geralt finds her leaning close, her lips touch his, and he takes a moment before pulling away. "I.. Can't." 

She nods slowly, looking unsure. "I'm not quite sure why I did that." She looks back at the water. "I.. Istredd and I broke up. He said some things." 

"oh." Geralt mutters dumbly. He's not sure what to say. "I never liked that guy" 

"yeah, yeah, you were just always jealous." She chuckles. "im going to Merigold. Getting a coffee. Want to join me?" 

"no. I.. I need to get some sleep" He rubs his eyes. 

Yenn nods, and Geralt waves to her as she leaves. He finds himself finally making his way back home. The apartment is empty, Ciri has gone out. He drops himself down onto his bed, groaning into the blanket. 

He finds his phone vibrating, and sees a couple texts from Jaskier. 

* * *

Jaskier wakes up in his teenage bed, stretching slightly before pulling out one of his Button up shirts, with a weird pattern on it, it was thin and silky. He pulls on light blue jeans quickly, and tucks his pajamas into the duffel bag for tonight. He grabs his guitar and puts it over his shoulder before leaving his old room.

It doesn't take long to find Pollia. Just who he was looking for. She greets him quietly, flattening down the creases in her skirt. 

"do you want to go out with me?" he offers. "just down the road. A small walk. I heard you haven't been out in a while."

She stares at him blankly for a moment, but smiles and nods when Jaskier puts a hand out and neats up her hair.

"sure, Julian. Let me ask father—"

"remember when we were kids, we used to sneak out to the tree house in the middle of the night without telling anyone? This is like that. Just me and you, but we don't tell anyone." he gently grabs her hand, meeting her eyes.

She slowly nods again. "okay."

Jaskier takes his time guiding her out of the mansion, and they walk down the road side by side. "how are you?"

"im okay." She offers, shrugging, and to him, she didn't seem... Crazy, as Robin put it. "I missed you"

"you already told me that" He smiles. "im sorry for leaving. I couldn't help it. Dad kicked me out."

She seems to tense. "I hate him"

"I hate him too" He reassures, raising an eyebrow. "Robin told me you're..hysterical.."

At that Pollia crosses her arms. "all because I tried to tell her what father really did"

"what did he do?"

"I'm sure he killed mother."

Jaskiers heart drops and he freezes. "what..?"

"isn't it weird how she mysteriously died?" Pollia squints. "of random medical reasons?"

"mother always had problems. She had a growing tumor around her heart, Pollia." Jaskier bites his lip. "we only realised last minute."

"if dad let her have more freedom, she could have gotten it check out before she died! He killed her, indirectly" She huffs.

"it isn't anyones fault" He holds back a sob, the subject was sore for him. It got him teary eyed quickly. "please, let's just change the subject."

"you're the one who asked" Pollia murmers quietly. "take me back with you to wherever you live now"

"you know I can't do that, I can barely afford to share rent." He raises an eyebrow. "you're 23. Get a job, move out like Ayanna."

"Ayanna is older and braver." She crosses her arms. "she's 26."

"three years older, woooow." He chuckles. "take initiative, you can't stay in that rotten house forever"

"you... Want to be a singer" She analyses awkwardly.

"I do." He shrugs, "and I'm going to work hard to do so. Nothing happens in an instant."

"i want to open a restaurant" She says suddenly. "I like cooking"

"okay, then.. Raise enough money to buy a space to start your own restaurant. You might want to start small for now. Part time job working as a chef or something." he tries. "my first job was.."

-Given to him for free practically. Feril handed him the offer to be his agent at the cost of basically nothing. 

"complicated" he finishes. He only realises he's rubbing his neck when Pollia gives him a strange look.

They walk for what feels like hours, only returning back home when one of the servants come to fetch them, rather rushed and quick. Jaskier had a bad feeling. He takes Pollia back home, and isn't very surprised to see his father standing waiting at the door, practically seething. 

His old man makes a movement to grab at Pollia, but he's quicker, pulling at his sister gently and glaring at him. "don't."

"or what, boy?"

"or I'll fucking hurt you the way you hurt her" he growls back, and is almost surprised at his words. "actually, I would ruin you, I would ruin you and your entire life. I would make the most catchy fucking song roasting your ass that it would go down for generations! You wouldn't even be able to show your face without people singing the song."

His father stares at him for a moment, and takes a step back. Pollia rushes inside, and he spares her a glance before looking back at his father. 

"Julian" his father laughs, "you really think you scare me? I could ruin your life. And your friends, that boyfriend of yours. I could ruin all of it. You forget how powerful my name is"

Jaskier clenches his jaw. "I hate you so much"

"get in line," His father smirks smugly, before walking back into the house.

Jaskier walks in, and watches as the servants and maids rush away from him, bowing once or not at all. 

He sighs, taking out his phone. He knew just the person who would lighten his mood. 

_[J] geeeeraaaalltttt_

_[J] my father is a fucker_

_[J] that is all_

_[J] I can't wait to come back_

_[G] why?_

_[J] I'll get to see you!_

_[...]_

_[G] I can't wait either._

_[J] are you okay?_

_[G] ofc I am. _

_[J] are you sure?_

_[G] lay off, Jaskier_

_[J] I'm just worried_

_[G] I don't need you to be worried about me._

_[J] what kind of boyfriend would I be if I wasn't?_

_[G] I thought we agreed boyfriends was too soon._

_[J] you know what I meant_

_[J] did I do something?_

_[G] no you didn't._

_[...]_

_[J] is it the distance? I could come back sooner if that's what's up._

_[G] it's better if you stay over there_

_[J] what?_

_[J] what's that supposed to mean, Geralt?_

_[G] I didn't mean to type it like that._

_[G] I meant it's better if you make the best of your time there, don't just throw it away because you think I'm upset_

_[G] why are you digging so deep into everything?_

<strike> _[G] it's annoying_ </strike>

Jaskiers sees the message, but Geralt deletes it quickly in hopes he probably didn't. 

_[J] oh_

_[J] I'm sorry_

_[G] fuck_

_[G] I'm sorry I've just been given a tough choice to make and I don't know what to do. You were right._

_[J] it's fine, I'm here for you_

_[J] Just do what you think is right._

Geralt doesn't reply for a while.

_[G] yeah, I heard that from Yennefer today too_

_[J] she's smart_

_[G] yeah. Im going to get some sleep. Didn't sleep well last night._

_[G] stay safe, okay?_

_[J] ofc, Ily, have good rest._

Jaskier frowns to himself, before shaking his head. Geralt was just having a tough time, things would be well when he went back home.

Jaskier tucks his phone back into his pocket before walking through the house again. He finds his way to his mother and father's room. His father was in his office, so it wouldn't hurt to go in. 

He slowly opens the door and looks inside, walking in. It was clean, and big. The bed was fit for a king, and Jaskier sees it hasn't changed much in the last couple years he was gone. His mother's vanity seemed untouched, but cleaned.

He steadily sits on the cushioned chair infront of the mirror. He gently takes the jewellery box that was on the side of the vanity. He opens it tenderly and takes hold of one of her favourite pearl necklaces.

His thumb runs over the lining that held the pearls together, and he doesn't even realises he's crying till tears fall down onto his hand. He sniffs, and wipes his tears away, still holding the necklace tightly.

He puts it back, and takes out a gold bracelet from the box, he smiles at it, remembering how whenever she walked her bracelets would jingle together; it gave him an advantage during their hide and seek games.

He slowly slips the bracelet onto his wrist, and smiles to himself. A little part of her with him. 

He closes the box back up, and puts it back in its respective area. He opens one of the drawers in the vanity and finds some brushes, straighteners and make up. He reckons most of the drawers had the same things in them. 

He gets off the chair and looks around the room again, glaring at the giant portrait of his Father and his mother standing together on the wall. 

"it's so narsassistic, is it not, master julian?" A familiar voice speaks up from the door, and Jaskier turns around to look at who it is.

"it is, William" Jaskier turns around, and greets the man.

William was the Head servant, and he was practically a father to Jaskier and his sisters, raising him when his father was unable to.

"we missed you here." William states, "but this place isn't safe for you."

"I know, I know, I'll leave once I know my sisters are happy and safe" Jaskier assures.

"I've looked after your sisters from the day they were born, as I did you. Just because your mother has died and you've finally left, you think I'd stop that?" William smirks.

"okay, I get it" Jaskier chuckles. "I need your promise that you will keep them happy and safe, and then I'll leave tomorrow morning"

"I promise, master Julian." William nods, "before you go, we need to talk about your mother's inheritance to you"

Jaskier tilts his head, squinting. He heard nothing of inheritance from his mother. "what?"

"she left you a large sum of money" William walks around Jaskier to his father's painting, slowly taking it off the wall to reveal a safe.

Jaskier watches as William takes out a key and unlocks the safe, taking out a letter and handing it to Jaskier before closing it and putting the painting back up. 

Jaskier stares down at the letter. "what is this?"

"a cheque of one million crowns in that letter." 

Jaskier's eyes widen. "seriously? Why didn't I get this when she.."

"your father threatened her lawyer and took hold of it instead."

Jaskier frowns. "sounds like something he would do." he tucks the letter into his pocket. 

He's not sure he wants to cash it, money never was really something he would care about that much. It would be something to mull over. 

"I need you to leave before he finds out I gave it to you. Tomorrow morning is fine." William hugs Jaskier, before pulling away. "what a bright young man you've grown into"

"thank you so much.." Jaskier murmers. "you'll be fired for this"

"not if your sisters can help it. I protect them, they protect me. I'm sure at the end of the day, the most that will happen is a simple demotion."

Jaskier chuckles, "okay, okay.. If you do ever need me.. I live not too far from here."

"I'll remember that, young master. Now, it's getting late and dinner is soon, go join your family in the dining room"

Jaskier nods, ignoring the tremble in his hand when he finally steps out of his father's room and makes his way to the dining room, he takes a seat next to Robin, their father is at the head of the table; waiting for the food.

The silence is thick and the tension is heavy. 

The food arrives, and Jaskier eats silently for a moment before looking up awkwardly and speaking. 

"so uh, im leaving tomorrow morning" He says, taking another bite of potatos.

"oh? A day sooner than expected" His father mutters and Jaskier stares at him for a moment.

"yeah I.. Just know that you guys are going to be fine without me and I have work to get to" Jaskier shrugs. "i'll visit when I can"

"preferably not." his old man huffs, "we like to eat in silence, Julian, have you forgotten your manners already?"

Jaskier blinks, and sighs. "okay." he continues to eat silently,

"Julian" Robin whispers to him, "can you sing for us before you leave?"

Jaskier grins, "it would be my pleasure."

Dinner passes fast, Him, Robin and Pollia, find their way to the back garden next to their mother's grave. He sings for them, and they relax with each other, happy and content.

A maid fetches them to come inside before it gets too dark, and they all comply, each going to their respective rooms. Jaskier finds himself falling asleep easily. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaskier leaves in the morning, and finds out he's gone viral. Jaskier hangs out with Geralt again, and they talk about this tough decision he has to make; of course Jaskier doesn't know its about him.
> 
> Jaskier and Geralt join a competition called the dragon hunt, Geralt seems to have only joined because of Yennefer, this makes Jaskier uncertain, and insecure. He doesn't mention it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cockblock Geralt and Jaskier so much during this entire book y'all do not know
> 
> Enjoy :)

Jaskier wakes up around 4 am, from a nightmare but it was convenient to him because he had to catch a six hour train in around a hour. He doesn't linger on his nightmare for more than five minutes, before throwing on another weirdly patterned button up silk t-shirt, and some black jeans. He styles his hair and brushes his teeth, putting on some moisturiser on his arms before he gets ready to leave.

He pulls on a light blue jacket before walking out of his room. 

He's sure everyone is still asleep, besides the night shift maids and servants. He pulls on his guitar to his shoulder and his duffel bag on the other, and walks towards the entrance of the mansion.

Surprisingly, Robin is there waiting for him, she gives him a gentle punch on the shoulder and tells him to stay safe before he leaves. He tells her he'll miss her.

He makes off to the train station quickly and buys a ticket.

Before he knows it, he's sitting in a seat, staring outside of the window; watching the scenery go by. He watches the sunrise before he closes his eyes; but his brain doesn't let him rest.

The contents of his nightmare erupt from the deep corner he shoved them in.

For once, it wasn't Feril. 

It was everyone he ever cared for just.. Leaving him. 

Geralt.

His mother, but she's already gone..

Triss.

His sisters. 

All turning their backs on him.

He opens his eyes again, as someone settles in the seat across from him. 

"hey, you're the barista from the coffee shop?"

He looks at the man, and squints. "uhm.."

"Cahir." he puts a hand out. "you looked tired last time I saw you"

Jaskier slowly takes his hand. "my names Jaskier. What are you doing on a train from lettenhove?" 

"had some business here, going back home now." Cahir shrugs, a smile played on his lips that looked odd, almost as if it wasn't genuine but he was trying. 

"cool" He grins, he attached himself to people like that, at the snap of the fingers. "what do you do for a living?"

"ah, well, you can say I get information on people, sometimes hunt people down. I'm not a cop, but.." He tilts his head, "I get the job done better."

"oh! That's cool! You're like some... Special agent" Jaskier claps his hands together. 

"I wouldn't exactly call it that" Cahir chuckles, "but sure. Are you okay? You looked.. Quite pale when I approached you" 

"just some bad dreams" he shrugs, "nothing to linger on." 

He spots a nilfgaard pin on Cahirs bag and raises an eyebrow. "you support Nilfgaard?" 

"born there. Fought in the war on their side" He says proudly. "is that a problem?" 

"nah, I haven't been one for politics. Just curious." he hums, "what brings you to live at a cintran town then?"

"well..we can just say Nilfgaard isn't the best place to live right now" Cahir's smile doesn't falter through out the entire conversation, except for when Jaskier had brought up the town they were both headed to being a cintran one. "what brought you to lettenhove?" 

"family." Jaskier says simply. 

"ah, understood." Cahir's fold over each other. "I'm going to get some shut eye, mind waking me up when we get there?" 

Jaskier nods, and watches as Cahir immediately falls asleep. He slowly takes out his phone, and blinks once or twice when his agent sent him a link of himself.. Playing the guitar.. On the train to lettenhove and singing. He remembered seeing someone recording him, but he didn't expect it to go viral. 

People have already identified him as 'Jaskier' and He sighs in relief when they don't call him Julian. Hes suddenly aware of his music links getting more views than normal. He gulps, and slowly grins to himself. 

The first couple steps the stardom. 

He can't seem to take his eyes off the rising views on his music links for a good twenty minutes. 

He slowly tucks his phone back into his pocket, trying to keep his excitement under wraps the best he could. 

The journey seemingly passes by quickly, and when the train comes to a stop, he shakes Cahir gently. 

"hey, we're here" he tries, and sees how the man wakes up almost immediately, blinking once.

"oh" he says, "thanks"

Jaskier nods. "I'm working at Merigold on Tuesday, if you want to come have a chat with me."

"okay" Cahir nods, seemingly accepting the olive branch of friendship. "I'll see you around"

Jaskier leaves the train station, hailing down a cab before making his way home to Triss.

By the time he makes it home, its 10. He realises Triss is probably at the shop cleaning up and getting ready to start. He pouts, he was looking forward to seeing her.

Jaskier unpacks his stuff, humming to himself. Considering he didn't pack much, it didn't take long to do so. He slips the letter containing the cheque into his hands once more and frowns at it.

Money never was important to him, and he wasn't sure he wanted money that was handed to him on a silver platter. He wanted to work for it. This gave him a boost that he really didn't need. Perhaps he could cash it into his credit card and donate to some charities instead of keeping it for himself. 

Jaskier continues to hum to himself as he tucks the cheque into his bag.

He takes out his phone once more, going through his emails, and huffing. He was bored. 

Absolutely out of his mind. 

He contemplates texting Geralt, but he wasn't sure if he was awake or not. 

But Geralt was always an early riser, from what he could tell. 

He shoots a text at him. 

_[J] hey, I'm back in town :)_

It takes twenty minutes top for Geralt to reply.

_[G] hey_

_[J] did you just wake up?_

_[G] no, im on my morning jog_

_[J] imagine being healthy lol_

_[G] I don't have to_

_[J] yeah, cause you're built like a god already_

_[G] shut up_

_[J] I bet you're all red and flustered right now_

_[J] you turn into a tomato every time I compliment you_

_[G] Istg_

_[G] I will slap you_

_[J] oh kinky ;)_

_[G] bye_

_[J] noooooo_

_[J] I'm sorryyyy I'll stoooop_

_[G] good_

_[J] can I come see you today?_

_[G] I'm jogging near your street, I could pop in now_

_[J] yus do that bc I want to give you a giant hug_

_[G] perhaps i'll go home instead_

_[J] nooooooo_

_[G] I'm kidding_

_[J] :0 Geralt of Rivia joking? Wow, is it snowing in hell too?_

_[G] idk how I love you_

_[...]_

_[J] you just said_

_[J] you love me_

_[G] sHIT_

_[G] I didn't write that_

_[G] uh autocorrect_

_[G] fuck_

_[J] you finally said it!!!!_

_[G] I hate you_

_[J] no you don't :)_

_[G] I do_

_[J] sure_

_[...]_

_[...]_

_[G] I'm here_

There's a knock at the door, and Jaskier grins, rushing to open the door. He immediately greets Geralt with a hug, and smiles into the mercenaries shoulder when he puts a hand on the small of Jaskiers back.

Jaskier pulls away, and brings Geralt inside. "I missed you"

"you weren't away for too long." Geralt smirks, raising an eyebrow.

"still missed you" Jaskier beams, and they sir down together on the couch.

"hmm" Geralt mutters, eyes not leaving Jaskier.

"it was odd being back home, y'know" Jaskier starts, "dad was the same, horrible, grouchy and drunk. My sisters changed a lot. I didn't say hi to my neighbours, actually, most of the time I just spent in the house. Quite boring if I say so. I did go on a walk with one of my sisters! She's super nice, I think you would like her. Oh! And I also told my dad that I have a boyfriend.. I hope you don't mind me using that term, it's just easier to say than saying we're just dating for now"

Geralt fondly watches as Jaskier rambles, "I don't mind" he shrugs.

"okay good because its too late to go back and correct my past self" Jaskier flashes Geralt a toothy smile. "I went viral!" he scrambles to pull out his phone and show Geralt the video. "look! I was singing on the train and.." he looks at the views, "around 5k people saw it!"

"that's great, Jaskier" He tilts his head, looking at the video. "are you singing for that old lady?"

"yeah! She was super nice. Tried to give me her scarf" he exclaims. "anyways, I can't wait till my agent sorts things out so I could address this, I was trending on tumblr for like 5 minutes" Jaskier boasts, seemingly grinning even more.

"I'm happy for you" Geralt looks away from Jaskier, voice quieter suddenly, and he can't force himself to look at Jaskier so happy to know he's going to be the one to push him back to being.. Unhappy or fuck, even dead. The guilt was waying down on him more than ever.

"Geralt?" Jaskier mutters, tilting his head.

"Jaskier I.." Geralt mumbles, but he can't get the words out of his throat.

"is that about what happened yesterday in our chat?" Jaskier puts a hand on Geralts shoulder gently. "about this tough decision you were given?"

Geralt wordlessly nods, clenching his fists on his leather trousers. 

"want to talk about it?" Jaskier askes softly.

Geralt nods again, slowly looking up and meeting Jaskiers eyes.

"I.." he swollows the lump in his throat. "its about my target, the one I told you about form before."

"the ons you're supposed to..make fall in love with you?" Jaskier smiles, "you haven't actually fallen in love now, have you? Are you cheating on me?" his tone is teasing, he's joking.

Geralt searches in Jaskiers eyes for a moment.

"okay no jokes right now. What about them?" Jaskier tries.

"I've been given a choice. To let them live, but have them be unhappy, or kill them." Geralt explains.

"oh, that's tough." Jaskier taps his chin. "well, perhaps you should let them live. Anyone can push through unhappiness and find warmth and love. Even those who consider themselves weak"

"poetry isn't appropriate right now, Jask" He sighs.

"I'm being serious, Geralt." Jaskier leans back into the couch. "being sad is just a temporary state, finding happiness is inevitable. If you think they're strong enough to push through, then go ahead and let them live. If you don't think so.. Then...do what your original orders were"

Geralt stares at Jaskier with surprise for a moment. "okay.. What do you think you are? Weak or strong?"

"I don't know.." Jaskier rubs his arm, a telltale sign of nervousness. "I think maybe in the middle. I wouldnt call myself strong, but I don't think I'm weak"

Geralt hums slightly, pulling Jaskier closer to him. "I think you're strong. Stronger than me."

Jaskier blushes, before grinning. "that was smooth, Geralt, very smooth." he tilts his head and plants a kiss on Geralts lips, before pulling away. "I don't want to ever lose you. Since I met you, you've made my life more exciting and amazing. You're supportive and.. Caring, everything _he _wasnt."

Geralt can't help but let his smile drop slightly. Since the beginning he's been extra nice, extra caring, extra everything so that Jaskier would attach himself quickly to Geralt, would they even be together if he wasn't like that?

"I mean, I don't ever remember having fun on a date, but the djinn date was amazing even if I did get alcohol poisoning, I think that's what made it even better because even though I vomited practically everywhere you were there and.." Jaskier chuckles, "and even though we both knew it wasn't that serious you still looked so worried"

"you kept cracking jokes in the cab," Geralt recalls, "I was two minutes away from letting you die from alcohol poisoning"

"I know! I saw it in your eyes" Jaskier grins, "but you still dealt with me and my cheesy jokes and brought me to the hospital. You even made me dinner afterwards. I don't think anything will ever beat that date"

"I was really guilty" Geralt shrugs, "that's the only reason I made you dinner"

"suuuure" Jaskier smirks, poking Geralts side. "we both know somewhere deep inside you, you were just being a huge softie."

"Hmm" Geralt rolls his eyes, and Jaskier laughs.

They quiet down, and they both stare at each other for a minute. Geralts body won't let him do anything but he does his best to let Jaskier know what he wants. And the singer doesn't disappoint. Jaskier closes the space between then, hand on Geralt cheek and neck, and kissing him with the passion of love bird. Geralt puts his hands on Jaskiers arms, holding him, returning the kiss just as passionately.

Their tongues meet, and they both explore each others mouths like pioneers, not leaving a single crevasse untouched. Jaskier moans into Geralt's mouth, and Geralt can't help the groan the erupts from his chest.

Jaskier pulls away from the kiss eventually, lips red and swollen, as are Geralts, and he presses his lips to the mercenaries jaw, and neck, leaving a couple hickeys and love bites. 

"Jaskier.." Geralt closes his eyes, before they snap open again and he pulls away from the singer. "someone is coming"

Jaskier's face is red, he pouts. "I think its the neighbours. Triss is at work" He squints.

"should I go answer the door?" Geralt raises an eyebrow.

"only if you want them to see all those hickeys" Jaskier smirks. "if we stay quiet, they'll probably leave. Whatever they want it probably isn't important" 

There's a knock on the door, and Jaskier leans against Geralt, they stay silent for a good five minutes before they both hear the footsteps leaving.

"finally" Jaskier murmers, he leers at Geralt smugly. "that was hot"

Geralt grunts, grabbing Jaskier and pulling him in for a moment, just to give him a final kiss before letting go again.

"i want to.. Officially be boyfriends." Geralt proposes cautiously. "we already call each other that, so let's just put it out there" 

"okay, sure." Jaskier nods, smiling softly. "the white wolf and his boyfriend, the bard!" 

"bard?" Geralt chuckles, "hm, nice." 

"I know!" Jaskier nods. "want to watch some Netflix with me?" 

"what's that show we watched last time? Can we continue that one?" 

"daredevil? You really like it, huh?" Jaskier puts up Netflix and gets on _Daredevil_, going to episode 4.

"it's interesting. I think i relate to this Matt guy a lot" Geralt relaxes as Jaskier puts his head on his shoulder.

"I think you'll like Frank Castle when we see him." Jaskier looks at Geralt, "the punisher"

"cool super hero name" Geralt keeps his eyes on the television.

"he's not much of a super hero.. He kind of kills people, but bad people. Him and matt arent so different." Jaskier shrugs.

"oh? And that's why you think me and him are similar?" Geralt puts a hand in Jaskiers hair.

"well.. Sort of. But hes kind of like you personality wise too, only slightly"

They sit and watch for at least three more episodes, so around two and a half hours pass. It's 1 pm by the time they stop watching, and humming, Jaskier Takes Geralts hand slowly.

"have you.. Been okay?" he askes softly, "im just worried about you. I don't know why. I know you have a lot of nightmares and.."

Geralt looks at him, "I've been fine, Julian"

The way he says Jaskiers birth name makes the singers heart beat in his ears. "are you sure?"

"of course." Geralt noses Jaskiers hair.

"you said you had a nightmare yesterday. You know I'm here for you, right?" Jaskier cups Geralts cheeks in his hands.

"I know." Geralt nods. "I think it's time I go"

Jaskier hums, nodding slowly. "okay. Oh, uhm, wait." Jaskier pulls out his phone, grabbing Geralt and pulling him in for a selfie, he takes the picture before the mercenary could tell him off about it, and laughs when he sees how confused Geralt is in the photo.

He sets it as his lockscreen, before grinning at Geralt. "I love you. Text me when you get home"

Geralt rolls his eyes, but nods, standing, and leaving the apartment. 

* * *

A day or so passes, and it's Tuesday. Jaskier finds himself welcomed warmly back at work, and he feels fresh and excited for a new day. Today is very packed, apparently there's a hunt going on around the area and this is the only coffee shop in the block besides nilfgaard, so most people arrived here instead.

He's manning the counter while Triss and Tyler work on making the drinks and pastries.

Geralt doesn't come in at the usual time, he comes in quite some time later, every article of his clothing is practically leather today, and Jaskier whistles at him when he collects his black coffee, making the mercenary roll his eyes.

A familiar face arrives in the shop, and he smiles at him. "Cahir, hi!" he greets. "Tuesdays aren't usually so busy. What will you be having?"

"a crossiant please. I've had enough caffeine to last me for the day" He shrugs, "I can tell, what's going on?"

"some sort of hunt, apparently, I think it's a competition kinda thing." Jaskier shrugs, "that'll be 2.99, by the way"

He takes the coins that Cahir hands him, and puts them in the register, taking the crossiant Tyler hands him and gives it to Cahir, his hand brushes the nilfgaardans for a moment, and he chuckles awkwardly. 

"can I get your number?" Cahir askes suddenly. "not in the flirtatious way, I just want to chat with you. You're interesting"

"sure" Jaskier nods, smiling as he writes down his number on a napkin and passes it to the man. "text me"

"I will" He nods, taking a bite out of the crossiant before leaving the cafe.

Jaskier watches as everyone settles down in the shop as a old man, accompanied by two very beautiful women, stands and uses his tea spoon against his cup to gather everyone's attention. 

"the competitive annual hunt for the dragon trophy starts today!" The man announces, the groups in the cafe cheer, and Jaskier notices Geralt looking absolutely uninterested. "the prize is a million crowns, and of course the dragon trophy!"

Triss approaches him, "hey, your shifts almost over and I can see that curious glint in your eyes, want to go?"

"meh.. Im not one for competitions" He shrugs, "I'll go along with Geralt if he goes"

Jaskier untied his apron and hangs it up, nodding at triss, smiling, before sitting down next to Geralt. 

"hey, you doing this thing?" Jaskier murmers.

"maybe. I'm not so sure." Geralt grumbles, "im not usually interested in this kind of thing, but that old man there, Borch" he points to the man who had just given the speech, "approached me. Said he knew who I was, and wanted me on his team"

"and you accepted?" Jaskier raises an eyebrow.

"hm," Geralt grunts, shrugging.

The bell of the cafe door rings, and in steps Yennefer, council women, dressed richly, accompanied by some fellow.

"for council rank and glory!" the man beside yennefer cheers, and everyone gives him an odd look.

Jaskier eyes Geralt, and feels slightly uncomfortable with how encapsulated Geralts mannerisms are now that Yennefer is less than five feet within the area. He was sure it was nothing.

Right?

Shaking his head, he looks at Geralt again, who suddenly stands and heads to the old man — Borch — and Jaskier could read his lips. 'I'm in'

Something twists in his stomach, but he dismisses it. 

Geralt approachs Jaskier again, "the competition goes up a mountain, a hike to see who can reach the prize first. There's the 'dwarfs'" he gestures to a group of some small dwarfish men, "the old man and his companions, and a few others."

"so, are we going?" Jaskier tilts his head.

"we..?" Geralt looks confused. "you don't have to.."

"I want to. It could make for a great song!" Jaskier cheers, grinning.

"okay, but stick with the group." Geralt grabs his hand and gives it a squeeze.

Jaskier rolls his eyes and nods. "when do we leave?"

"tomorrow morning. Wear something appropriate for hiking" Geralt murmers, eyes wandering to Yennefer once more.

Jaskier blinks, and looks at the council women too, leaning next to the man who had made the dramatic entrance. 

Jaskier looks back at Geralt, and frowns. 

This was going to be a rough couple of days. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Cahir is going to be nice in this, for now, perhaps not so much in the future, but for now.
> 
> I don't know much about Cahir in the books, but I do know he joins Geralt to rescue Ciri, so he's kind of good; so that translates over into this series. Of course, I have plans for him that may...play him out as a bad guy, but believe me, he's good so far.
> 
> Also yes, I compared Frank Castle and Geralt because the more I think about it, they more I think they aren't too different, atleast not in this au. I drew a lot of inspiration from Frank in daredevil, for Geralt's character and personality in this. Hope y'all don't mind that I had Jaskier bring that up. 
> 
> Thank you for reading :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A three days of hiking, obliviousness, insecurity and confessions.
> 
> And well, a break up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.
> 
> Enjoy :)

_Day one_

Jaskier dressed in the most appropriate thing he had for hiking, a tank top and a red jacket, and some black outdoors trousers with a million pockets. Despite Borch telling everyone to not bring snacks, because it would lure all types of creatures, Jaskier still filled the trouser pockets with candy bars, chips, and all sorts of tiny snacks.

He made sure to keep his guitar in its case, just so then it wouldn't get damaged on the hike up. He had met the group at the bottom of the mountain this morning, at 9 am. He immediately gives Geralt a hug, his usual greeting for the mercenary, and smiles when the man pats his back.

He pulls away, grinning. "let's get hiking!"

The group cheers, and they all walk together on a line. Jaskier finds himself at the back with Tea and Vea, chatting pleasantly with them, well, he was doing most of the talking, giving them compliments every now and then (let's not talk about his comment on their necks)

He sees Geralt talking with Borch, just behind Yennefer and Eyck. He doesn't know whats making Geralt so.. Engaged on keeping an eye on the council women and rising council men. And he doesn't know why he feels.. Tentative, uncertain, he wouldnt use the word Jealous, because Jaskier didn't get Jealous. Not in the way most people did.

The hike gets dangerous, and tedious, Jaskiers feet feel sore, and he feels like the heat isn't exactly helping. He notices Geralt walk ahead, closer to Yennefer, muttering a few words to her, and looks away. He smirks at Tea and Vea. 

"would you ladies help a poor singer out?" he puts a hand out for at least one of the twins to help him up a large rock.

Vea grabs his hand and helps him over it, nodding at him, looking slightly unimpressed, and Jaskier grins at her. 

The dwarfish men suggest a short cut and the group ponders for a moment, putting out the cons and pros. It was going to be far more dangerous, but it would get them to a good campsite by nightfall.

They decide to follow the dwarfs lead, and Jaskier hums to himself. The old man, Borch, looks at him, and squints. 

"aren't you that pankratz boy?"

Jaskier sweats slightly. "i am. Jaskier. Nice to meet you" he puts a hand out for Borch to take, and the man takes it slowly and shakes it.

"your family is all prissy" Borch comments, "I didnt expect to see one of you here. You don't need the money, do you?"

"no, im here accompanying Geralt." Jaskier smiles. "he's kind of my muse."

"fair enough." Borch stares over Geralt who was relentless, still marching on while the entire group was practically falling behind. "odd man, he is"

"Geralt may be odd, but that's what makes him so great" Jaskier shrugs.

It's quiet again for quite some time, they go past rocky paths that the dwarfs take them through, Tea and Vea help Jaskier out a lot more than he would like to admit, and he feels like they've warmed up to him slightly. 

* * *

Geralt couldn't help it, really. He didn't know why, but it was like this wave or aura that Yennefer carried on her that dragged him in, and he can't help but clench his fists and grow.. Frustrated whenever he sees that pompous councilmen touch her, whenever she leans up and kisses him. 

He doesn't like it.

But it wasn't his business, him and yenn were off the past, yet here he was, undaring to take his eyes off them. Something presses his buttons when he sees Yennefer look back at him with a smirk, she knows exactly what she's doing. 

The divorce was complicated, and they had done it for their own good, not because they stopped loving each other but because marriage wasn't for them. Geralts worklife often got in the way of his personal life, and Yennefer was often too obsessed with trying to get everything at work to care about her family. The got marriage young, believing that somehow, someway, it could work out.

But Geralt didn't love her like he used to, but he didn't hate her, he was so.. Facisnated with her. Entranced with her. 

Perhaps that's why this was so frustrating, because it was a telltale sign Yennefer was moving on, and Geralt.. He was still stuck on her in some way. He still had pictures with her in them in his house, he still had her candles, he still had that lipstick she had left in his hoodie pocket that he keeps forgetting to return to her.

Geralt couldn't move on even if he tried to force himself to, with Jaskier. He loved the singer, he did, with his whole being, but some part of him was stuck on the past and he couldn't let go. 

Jaskier was everything Yennefer wasn't, and it was the difference that threw him off, Jaskier was excentric, overjoyed, bright and himself. Yennefer was grounded, hard headed, demanded respect, and did whatever would to get her what she wanted.

He glances back at Jaskier, who was talking idly with Tea and Vea, and sighs in relief to himself that the man handnt brought trouble to himself.

The sun begins to set, and they all find a small, nice clearing to set up camp. Geralt collects fire wood, and starts on the fire, while everyone sets up their respective tents. 

A yell catchs practically everyone's attention, and Geralt glares up to see what's the noise about. He sees Jaskier getting harassed by a mountain goat, it tugs and chews on his trousers, and Geralt can't help but chuckle when he sees all the snacks falling out of the singers pockets.

Yennefer rushes over to Jaskier, surprisingly, grabbing one of the bags of sweets in the man's pockets and catching the goats attention with it before throwing it away, watching the animal chase after it.

"thanks" He hears Jaskier chuckle awkwardly, thanking Yennefer.

"fool" She shakes her head, smirking. "burn all your snacks, we brought tinned food."

Jaskier pouts but complies, throwing all the food he had brought into the fire Geralt had just made. Everyone gathers around the fire, and they each get a can of tomato soup, and a wooden spoon.

Everyone shares stories, Geralt watches the people around him laugh, and cheer and grin at each others tales. 

"singer boy!" One of the dwarfs call at Jaskier. "you must have a good song, aye?"

Jaskier grins, and takes out his guitar from his case, he strums a cheerful song, that has almost everyone singing along almost instantly.

"o' fishmonger!" Jaskier beams, and the dwarfs, sing along with his folkish song.

The group tires out quickly, one and all making their way into their tents. Jaskier approaches him, grabbing Geralts hands and giving him a gentle kiss that made Geralts heart beat faster.

Jaskier smiles at him before finding his way to his and Geralts shared tent.

Geralt doesn't want to keep him waiting, he really doesn't. But he shares a few words with Borch once more.

"you fear that if you take your eyes off her.. She'll disappear, move on, change" The old man crosses his arms at Geralt over the fire. "perhaps it's time for someone else to move on, though."

He watches as Borch takes his leave into his tent, and sighs to himself, shaking his head. He sends a text to Ciri, who he had left with Triss for a while, a simple heart; before heading to sleep next to Jaskier.

_Day Two_

In the morning, Jaskier wakes up when he hears groaning and yelling, he rubs his eyes and pats down his messy hair before getting out the tent, and is surprised to see the camp in ruins.

"what happened?" he askes one of the dwarfs.

"that moutain goat that chewed ye pants returned." he glares at Jaskier, "this is why we don't be bringing food that ain't in a tin, boy"

Jaskier awkwardly chuckles, and nods. He quickly finds himself near Geralt, "well, I guess this is a big mess"

"shouldn't have brought food" Geralt comments, slowly packing up their things.

"yes well..i know that now, don't I?" He raises an eyebrow. "are you okay? You seem more broody than usual"

"I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare again. I went to get some fresh air and saw Yennefer and Eyck kissing" He growls, finishing packing before throwing the bag onto his shoulder.

"and?" Jaskier furrows his eyebrows. "its not like its illegal for people to kiss each other"

Geralt looks at Jaskier when he hears the singers bitter tone, he opens his mouth to speak but sighs and shakes his head, moving forward with the group to start the trek up the mountain again.

Jaskier makes a face, but jumps when Tea slaps his back, making a gesture for him to hurry along.

Geralt talks with Yennefer on the way up the mountain, she discusses her plans to meet Ciri on the weekend, and Geralt doesn't hesistate to tell her that Ciri is her kid too, he wasn't going to be unfair.

"does Ciri want to say with me during the winter?" Yenn tilts her head. "I'm sure she does if she wants more than a turkey out of a can for dinner"

Geralt chuckles. "you are never going to let me live that down are you?"

"not till the day you die." She smirks.

"so, you and Sir Eyck?" Geralt hums, raising an eyebrow.

Yennefer pauses for a moment. "I'm not really intrested in him. I just want to get the inside scope on how he rose Council ranks so fast" She explains. "a women has got to do what she's gotta do"

Geralts jaw clenches. "I know what you're doing"

"oh? And what am I doing?"

"trying to make me jealous" He crosses his arms.

"really now?" She looks amused. "I didn't really take you for a moron, Geralt. I'm testing your will. Loyalty. And not to me. Let's see if your smart enough to figure out what I mean."

Geralt goes quiet, eyebrows knitting together, confusion written all over his face.

"but.." She purrs, "the ultimate test is yet to come. Tonight, come to my tent when we lay camp if you want to. Or, you could choose not to, and then we would see the results of my theory. Your loyalty" 

Geralt watches as she steps up her pace, and finds her way back to Eyck; grabbing his arm and putting on her best act.

His fingers twitch at his side and he makes sure to mentally note her words.

Loyalty to who if not her?

"Jaskier" he hears Borch call the singers name. "do you mind helping me out?"

Jaskier steps close to Borch, and helps the man walk through rougher terrain. Geralt presses his lips together tightly before walking forward once more.

They make it to a quite nasty path, having to lean against a wall and shuffle to not fall off the ledge, the dwarfs go forward and shuffle confidently, Jaskier goes next, unfearing, yet nervous, Yennefer is behind him and Geralt behind her. Borch, Tea and Vea are together behind most of them. Everyone makes sure to hold onto each other, and they all make it through alive and in one piece.

The sun begins to set and they quickly make their way to the nearest clearing to set up camp, it's not very smooth ground, but it would have to do. Geralt decides that his skin feels too hot, he feels too desperate and emotional, he needed a break. 

He sits watching the sunset, a bit away from the group, trying to figure out Yennefers words the best he could.

A test. Loyalty? To Who? To Ciri? To his job? He finds himself clenching his fists, frustrated at himself.

Someone settles next to him.

"today's been tough, I know. But.. We don't really need the prize nor money." Jaskier speaks softly. "how about this, let's go on a holiday, you, me and Ciri. To the coast..tomorrow"

Geralt closes his eyes, and Jaskier continues, voice as light as feathers. 

"life's too short to be.. Doing all of this. Sounds like something that old man would say huh?" Jaskier leans closer to Geralt. "he'd probably say something along the lines of doing what pleases you"

"composing your next song?" Geralt finally speaks, voice rough, and his heart beats slowly, his fists unclench and he sighs.

"no, uh.." Jaskier murmers, "just trying to figure out what pleases _me_, I guess."

Geralt frowns, and stands. "I'm going to go help set up our tent."

Jaskier stares at him for a moment, "o..oh.. I.. Okay."

Geralt walks away, helping set up camp and he puts up their tent, he sees Borch has always started the fire, but everyone looks frustrated. 

"what's wrong?" He askes Eyck, crossing his arms at the man, subconsciously trying to make himself look more intimidating for some odd reason.

"that mountain goat lost us all our food. We may need to hunt for rabbits or something." He looks at Geralt, unimpressed. "you know lady Yennefer?"

Does he know Yennefer? What a joke of a question!

"I used to be married to her." He states gruffly. "I'm going to go help hunt."

He makes sure to budge Eyck as he steps past him, finding Yarpen and the other dwarfs. He askes if he could help hunt, and they don't decline his offer. He immediately makes his way into the woods, not too far so that he would get lost, but far enough to find creatures who hadn't been scared off by their setting up of camp.

It takes him twenty minutes to finally find something. 

He finds a rabbit, taking out the dagger he kept strapped to the inside of his boot and throwing it at the poor creature, it wounds it, and slows it down. Geralt grabs it, tucks his dagger back into his boot, and holds the rabbit by the ears. He takes it back to camp and everyone stares at him with surprise.

"uh..Eyck got us berries and vegetables for dinner while you were gone" Borch murmers, "but we can add it to the stew—"

The wounded rabbit bites his hand, and he yells out, dropping it and watches it hop away. He groans tiredly, and rubs his hand. 

"is your hand okay—" Jaskier approachs him, concern written all over his blue eyes. 

"fine." Geralt growls at him before pushing past him and finding his way to his tent; not noticing the look of hurt on Jaskiers face. 

He slowly applies ointment to soothe his hand, and rubs his eyes. Fuck. 

When he's sure everyone has settled and began to sleep, he steps over Jaskiers sleeping body who had joined him in the tent silently and fallen asleep, and makes his way to Yennefer's tent. 

He slowly opens the flap to her tent and his heart rate picks up when he sees her. She smiles at him, amazing eyes and all, and he finds his way to her side in the matter of seconds. She puts a hand on his neck. 

"you can still leave and we'll never talk of this" Yennefer murmers. 

Geralt closes his eyes. Jaskier. He promised Jaskier he wouldn't do this ever again. But something about Yennefer couldn't help but pull him closer and closer with every moment she makes and he wants to scream in frustration because she's doing this on purpose as some sort of torture as some sort of test for denying her kiss the other day, he just knows it, he fucking feels it in his bones so why can't he deny her again? 

Some animalistic part of him takes over whenever she's near, and he completely throws away all hope of being faithful. 

He snaps when her lips brush against his ear, his hands fly to her waist and his lips meet hers, and he sees it in her eyes that this is what she wanted. 

For him to be her rebound and throw away his promise to Jaskier. 

* * *

Meanwhile, Back in Geralt and Jaskiers tent, the said singer had awoken when Geralt stepped past him, he heard the unzipping of a flap, and his eyes watched as Geralts body walked through. 

He was tired, and absolutely distraught.

Well, he was being a tad dramatic. He was just upset. He didn't know why, perhaps it was that Geralt was absolutely fascinated with Yenn? Or was it that he completely ignored his advances? Or, or, hear him out, maybe it was when Geralt snapped at him when he was concerned for him?

What pleases him, his dream of the coast, was something he had never told anyone. He had never gone ahead and confessed his run away fantasy with anyone, but Geralt. He trusted his witcher so much that he told him something even Feril, who had made sure he had no privacy, no dreams of his own, didn't know. Something triss didn't know.

But mercenary completely ignored him and walked away. 

Like he hadn't just said the idea of running away with Geralt pleased him.

His heart ached and his insecurity grew because, fuck, why shouldn't Geralt be absolutely infatuated with Yennefer because she was amazing, beautiful, held high status and competent.

Jaskier was just.. Jaskier. Loud. Annoying.

He closes his eyes. Feril was right about him- no one would actually enjoy his company, because he was maddening.

Right?

No. No. He can't think like that any more. He wasn't. He was perfect the way he was. 

Jaskier sits up, rubbing his eyes. Geralts just going through a rough patch, everyone does. He needed to be there for him. 

Jaskier gets out of the tent, stretching slightly, and following Geralt footprints slowly. To the other side of the camp.

To.. Yennefers tent. 

Jaskier clenches his jaw when he hears.. A quiet moan. 

Oh. 

Jaskiers face flushes red with humiliation, but why? It's not like..

His hands shake and he slowly steps away from the tent, finding his way to the cliff side where he had spoken to Geralt earlier. He slowly puts his head on his hands and tries to think this through. He had to think this through.

Geralt wouldn't..do that to him.

He promised Jaskier. 

He promised. 

This was okay. Its okay. Geralts just.. releasing some steam, it's not like he actually loves Yennefer. 

Right?

Was this whole thing a joke?

No. No. This was normal. This happened with Feril too, he would sleep around even when he and Jaskier were together. Perhaps it's just.. Normal and Jaskier is the odd one.

Yeah. 

It's okay. 

It had to be okay. 

Fuck, it had to be. 

He needed an excuse because if there wasn't one he wasn't sure he could hold up for much longer. 

A hand is placed on his shoulder, and Jaskier flinched violently, shaken as he looks at who the hand belonged to. Borch.

"you should get some sleep" he offers, wise and knowing, he probably knows of Jaskiers distress, that Jaskier doesn't want to talk of it, so this is all he can say.

Jaskier nods wordlessly, struggling to swallow the lump in his throat. 

Jaskier walks past Borch, keeping his head low and finding his way back into their tent. He felt numb. 

He didn't sleep for the next couple hours, closing his eyes when Geralt finally returned after what felt like forever, but he still didn't sleep. When the sun began to shine through the tent, he finally felt.. Warm, somehow, and closed his eyes. 

_Day three_

Geralt wakes up after an eventful night, and his eyes skim over Jaskiers sleeping form beside him. His hand slowly goes to Jaskiers cheek, brushing over it gently; before pulling away as if he was burned. How could he touch Jaskier after what he did last night?

Guilt weighed on his chest like a ton of bricks.

Geralt shakes his head, gritting his teeth, he gets out of the tent, and raises an eyebrow as everyone doesn't pack up, but they seem ready to begin hiking.

"whats the point of packing up when we only have 40 minutes left of hiking?" Yarpen states, smirking. "this is where we split up. First one to the golden egg gets the money prize and trophy."

The dwarfs rush to leave the group, and Geralt nods as Yennefer and Eyck make their own way to hike up as well. He looks at Borch.

"what about your companion?" The old man states, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm letting him sleep in. He looks tired." Geralt mumbles, "let's go. Do you know any short cuts?"

"I do, follow along." Borch nods, and leads the way.

They take a bit to get to the golden egg cave, but no one else is there so Geralt supposes they're the first to arrive.

"there's a series of puzzles to unlock the path to the cave and to the egg. Some with brute force, some with intelligence." Borch informs. "this is the first one. There's booby traps, but we have to go through."

Geralt grunts, "I got this" he puts a hand up, and looks along the path, and the sides, he squints, and with excellent vision, sees a long piece of thin string that could easily be missed connecting a tree and a rock on the sides.

It seems to be the only trap for this puzzle.

"a piece of tripwire six steps ahead of us. Step over it." He looks back at Borch and the two women.

They take six steps forward and step over the tripwire, before continuing down the path. 

The next one was a puzzle about the carvings on the trees, tea and vea helped at that one, and the last and third puzzle was..odd; even Geralt couldn't figure it out.

"it's about old herbs to make medicine" Yennefer speaks up behind them, Sir Eyck now where in sight. "the fool I followed got us lost and then he disappeared. I found my own way. Step out of the way"

Geralt steps away from her as she grabs a couple of herbs from the ground and some bushes, putting them in the stone bowl that was given by the puzzle. Geralt watches as the light above it finally turns green after getting red multiple times. 

They make it to the cave, and blink when there's a golden egg trophy sitting peacefully on a rock. Borch takes it immediately.

"you may have the prize money, but me and my companions have been doing this competition for a decade together. This is my last decade doing it and I want the last trophy." Borch announces, a smirk on his face. "but this.." he raises the trophy, "wasn't the reason I invited you, Geralt of Rivia.".

"then why?" Geralt finds himself asking.

"around.. 10 somewhat years ago, you were given a contract to kill a women." His eyes land on Yennefer. "and you didn't. Because your conscious won an internal battle."

"how do you know this?" Geralt squints.

"we can just say I've been keeping an eye on you." He tries. "and I know recently, you've been.. Having an internal struggle once more. But my advice to you is to not lose sight of what is good and what is bad."

"why the fuck have you been keeping an eye on me?" Geralt steps forward, glaring at Borch. "I like my privacy"

"visenna sent me. Paid me a great sum."

Geralts eyes widen. He feels as if all the air had been punched out of his lungs

What?

His mother, who had abandoned him when he was a fucking infant dare check on him?

"tell her to fuck off." Geralt growls. 

Borch stays silent, before looking at Yenn. 

"and for you, my advice for you is.. No matter how rich you become, there is no way to regain your fertility" He crosses his arms at her. "and no matter what you think, your love for Geralt was only.. Manifested on lies. Its not honest true love and pulling him in as you do is unfair, as he is with his habit of being unable to confess his truths" 

Yennefer furrows her eyebrows. "no. You're lying. I will get my fertility back, and I do love him..i..I think" 

Borch watches her with pity in his eyes till she glares back at him, anger rising in her soul, despite the tears in her eyes. She steps forward to Geralt, poking him in the chest. 

"I swear to god, Geralt, things could have been true and fine with us If you just.. If you just weren't such a fucking hard ass!" she yells, gritting her teeth. "if you didn't lie at every chance you got when I ever gave you honest answers, we could have been fine. Ciri wouldn't be living with one parent instead of two" 

Geralt stares at her, frowning. It was true. He should have been honest. There was no way to repair his relationship with her, and he couldn't find himself missing it because.. It was all a mask, built on lies and fake pasts. But, he wasn't all at fault. Yennefer was intoxicating, and she was so possessive, she wanted everything, he couldn't ignore such intensity. 

"keep your fucking prize money. This has been horrible for all of us. Oh, and that test? You failed him. The new one you've fallen for. Your loyalty is flawed" She steps away, crossing her arms and leaving.

Geralt clenches his jaw and his hands, stepping away from the cave, from Borch and his companions to a cliff side, staring out. Thinking. 

Fuck. 

Geralt rubs his face. 

He fucked up. 

With Yennefer. With Jaskier. 

His entire life is one big fuck up. 

He wanted to scream and yell and throw things. 

* * *

When Jaskier awoke, everyone was gone, but the tents were still up so he didn't suppose they went too far. He follows the path steadily till he finds himself nodding at the dwarfs who are awkwardly standing there, Jaskier supposes someone else has gotten to the prize before them and they're unsure what to do know.

He rushes up, he didn't want to miss any material for a good song. 

But it looks like he's already missed all the good stuff, as Yennefer stomps past him, eyes softening when she sees him, but he doesn't know why. He continues forward, till he sees Borch talking to Geralt. 

He hears the words 'Visenna,' and 'destiny'

He's not sure what to do, but approach when Borch finally steps away. 

"phew!" He says, "what a day, I'm sure you're—"

"Damn it, Jaskier!" Geralt yells, actually yells, and Jaskier bites his lip to stop any noises escaping him. "why is it that whatever you touch you ruin? Whenever I'm in a pile of shit, you're shoveling it and making it worse by the fucking second!"

Jaskier frowns, "that isn't.. Fair"

"since meeting you, I dont know what to feel! You've made everything a rocky road. If it wasn't for you, Yenn would be by my side instead! Let's not start on the mess you've made in the last three days. Ignoring the rules, bringing food along, making me hunt for food and then I get fucking bitten" Geralt turns around, growling every word, he looks Jaskier in the eyes, hurt and sadness written all over them.

"i—"

"If life could give me one blessing, it would be to take you off my hands!" Geralt yells, spinning on his heel, finding that he couldn't look Jaskier in the eyes anymore.

Geralts had a lot of fuck ups. The heartbreak written all over Jaskiers face had to be one of them.

"okay.. Uh.. I'll... See you around, Geralt" He sighs, shoulders slumping as he turned and walked away.

Jaskier knew Geralt was just having a rough couple of days, he supposed Geralt was just having a tough time. Presumably by Yennefer, especially when he saw her stomping by. But that didn't give Geralt the excuse of yelling at him like that. He didn't.. Do anything wrong.

Right?

He walks back down to camp, sniffling lightly as he grabbed his stuff, putting his bag on his shoulder, before starting the hike down the mountain, praying that he wouldn't get lost or worse. 

The trip down was faster than the trip up, it seemed, maybe it was because he just followed the footprints of Yennefer, or whoever they belonged to.

The sun had began to set, and he had made it to their first camping place; he considered continuing the trek down in absolute darkness, but he didn't want to die by falling off a cliff blindly.

He wraps his jacket around him tightly, closing his eyes as the cold around him gradually made his skin colder than ice. His hands shook and his entire body felt numb.

Rubbing his hands together, Jaskier sighed into the air and finally opened his eyes again. He still couldn't wrap his head around the last couple of hours.

Have mercy, he thought, have mercy

Save his soul because if he kept thinking about it, he wouldn't go down a good path; his heart break feels like it would be unfixable.

Perhaps things with him and Geralt weren't supposed to be long term. 

Maybe he was the problem

He had to be, because every relationship he found himself in, it never ended well. 

Jaskier sobs into his hands,

He cries himself to sleep that night.

He dreams of blissful life, happiness at the coast.

He could only dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Geralt isn't a cheater, but he can't control himself around Yennefer, his relationship with her is complicated, even being around her makes him forget all sense, so please, don't be too mad with him. He's already feeling guilty at his words.
> 
> I'm sorry that this chapter had to end like that, and for the next couple chapters, things aren't going to get better for Geralt and Jaskier. 
> 
> Thank you for reading :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaskier makes a decision to see someone again, heart broken and hurt. Geralt is guilty, and depression ways down harder than ever. The time after their break up, time apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy :)

Eventually, Jaskier had made it down the mountain, tear tracks decorating his cheeks, and his eyes puffy. He ignores the strange looks he receives from bystanders. Tired, he finds himself getting an uber.

He hesistates at the address log. He bites the inside of his cheek. He didn't want to see triss or.. He didn't want triss to see him like this over a guy, no less.

He enters a old, yet familiar address, and patiently waits for the car. When it arrives, Jaskier immediately gets in, and silently nods at the driver through the rear view mirror.

It takes him an hour at most to get across town to the address he had entered. 

When he gets out, he hesistates first, fingers digging into his palm.

Bollocks. 

He steps up the stairs, and knocks on the door of the large, modern house. 

It take three minutes for the door to open, and his breath catchs in his throat.

"before— before you say anything, I've just had a really bad past couple of days. I just wanted to be around someone who won't pry on what's making me upset. So just please" he pleads, "let me in." 

Feril blinks once, before silently stepping back and letting Jaskier walk inside. Jaskiers chest feels heavy as he drops his bag on the floor next to the door, and he feels a sob wrack through his body. 

He didn't think he would fall so low again to be back here. 

"Jas, come sit" Feril murmers quietly, taking Jaskiers elbow and guiding him to sit down on the couch. 

Jaskier sits down, and Feril doesn't hesistate to sit next to him, leaning close to him and fuck — Jaskier leans into him aswell. Jaskier cries, and Feril quietly comforts him. 

"baby, it's okay" Feril whispers into his ear. "you're okay" 

Jaskier continues to cry, trying to wipe away the tears yet more just keep coming down. He sobs, hands numb and shaking, chest rising quickly. 

He's soon hyperventilating, struggling to breath, and catches his breath when Feril presses a small kiss to his lips before pulling away. 

"that always calms you down. Listen to me, things are going to be okay. You can sleep here tonight, it's a bit late." Feril mutters, "I missed you" 

Jaskier is silent before nodding, a little whimper escaping his lips. 

"have you had dinner?" his ex raises an eyebrow, and Jaskier shakes his head. 

He just wanted to curl up and stay quiet for the rest of his days. 

"i'll give you some leftovers, I had the most delicious duck today" Feril stands, making his way to his kitchen and coming back with a plate of some duck meat, some rice and some salad. 

Jaskier slowly eats it, not most of it, but at least it was something. 

"I'm heading to bed. Wanna come?" Feril puts a hand out. "we can cuddle and make you feel all better" 

He hated this man. This man abused him. This man hurt him. 

So why did he take his hand? 

Holding ferils hand, Jaskier is led back to the bedroom, and settles on the bed, arms wrapping around his waist and pulling him in. They cuddle together silently, making Jaskier feel warm, but he didn't feel safe. He would never feel safe with Feril. 

Exhaustion fell in, and he soon had fallen asleep against his ex. 

* * *

Geralt had arrived home some time ago, Ciri would arrive in the morning with triss, but he had the apartment to himself right now. He felt...lonely.

Regretful.

Guilty.

Powerless.

He had just hurt the person he thought could make him better, he had hurt Jaskier. 

Fuck.

Geralts heart pounded against his chest, and he felt like crying.

He was sure Jaskier was crying. 

Geralt had never seen truer pain ever than when Jaskier stood there with him on top of that mountain, heart broken after Geralt had the audacity to yell at him after completely betraying him by cheating on him with Yenn, ignoring him for three days, and making him feel...worthless.

Once realising this, Geralt pulled at his hair, closing his eyes as everything he had said to his boyfriend went through his head again and again.

There would never be a bigger fuck up. 

Because there would be no more Jaskier in his life after that. He was sure Jaskier would despise seeing him, he wouldn't blame him. 

_[?] I just transferred all the promised money for the job. You did good._

_[G] what?_

_[?] Jaskier just came to me. He's currently asleep next to me in bed. Poor guy looked horrible._

_[?] Guess you really are ruthless._

_[...]_

_[G] I guess so too._

_[G] is this all?_

_[?] yes. Your services have been appreciated._

_[?] goodbye._

_[THIS CONTACT HAS BLOCKED YOU]_

Geralt yelled out, punching the wall, before wincing as blood spilt from his knuckles. 

He breathes in and out. 

Jaskier was back with his ex. 

Fuck. 

This wasn't going to end well. 

He felt it in his gut. 

He needed to fix things before he couldn't.

Geralt didn't sleep that night, distressed and too worry filled to lay rest. Morning came soon, and he groans, making another cup of coffee.

He slowly drank it, running a hand through his hair, before being startled by a knock at the door. Geralt opens it, and is greeted by Triss and Ciri,

"hey," Triss greets quickly as Ciri walks into the apartment, " I have work in an hour, sorry for the quick drop off– uh, is Jaskier staying over with you? Can you ask him to pop into his shift today?"

"uh.." Geralts throat dries, and Triss squints at him.

"what happened?" she interrogates.

"he's back with his ex." Geralt blurts out.

Triss' eyes widen, her face completely dropping. "why?"

"I fucked up—"

"What the fuck, Geralt?" She grabs the front of his shirt roughly, and Geralt swears he sees the devil in her eyes for a moment. "how big could you fuck up that Jaskier would rather be with someone who abused him?"

"I.." Geralt bites his lip, "I told him I didn't want him. I made him feel worthless and I didn't pay attention to him the entire hike."

He doesn't tell her about Yenn, because Jaskier doesn't even know that he did that with Yenn that night. So Jaskier possibly couldn't be upset about that. Or so he thought.

" Geralt." Triss rubs her face," Jaskier right now, he's — he's in a bad place, ever since Feril, he hasn't been the same as when I first met him. Since his relationship with Feril, he's been.. Mentally.. Unstable; insecure, depressed, isolating. You might have just pushed him off the edge"

"I know"

"no! You fucking don't!" she pokes his chest. "I have been there for him since he was homeless, I saw him at his best and boy, right now, this is his worst. He's living his worst. He needs support. What he doesn't need is being ignored, being tossed aside as if he was useless!"

Geralt gulps, tiredly nodding. "I want to fix things."

"then be at Merigold during his shifts, knowing him, he isn't going to be here today. Come tomorrow, or fuck, he's impulsive, he may not appear till next week." triss sighs, "that will give you a chance to apologise and fix things"

"triss.. I cannot thank you enough" Geralt grabs her hands. "seriously. I'm surprised you haven't slapped me"

"I was going to. But I can see you're actually tearing yourself apart over this." she puts her hands in her pockets. "I need to go to work. See you tomorrow, Geralt."

Geralt nodded at her as she left, before closing the door and turning around. 

"you broke up with Jaskier?" Ciri says, before walking out form the kitchen.

"eavesdropping isn't good, Ciri" he scolds, rubbing his eyes. "I fucked up"

"yeah, you did. He was really nice. Even if you two don't get back together I'm going to go to Merigold specifically to see him" she rolls her eyes. "I have my exams next week, remind me to study science after I take a much needed nap"

"I could use a nap too" Geralt nods, ruffling her hair. "I'll fix things with him, don't worry"

She pouts and nods, before slowly paddling to her room, curling into her blankets.

The mercenary sighs, going into his room, stopping on his way to bed when he sees the pictures of him and yenn. Gritting his teeth, he pushes all of the photos off the dresser, panting.

Glass shatters onto the floor, and Geralt doesn't blink when his toes start bleeding from some glass cutting him. He fucked up everything, he couldn't save civilians during the war, he couldn't be what Yennefer deserved and he couldn't be loyal to Jaskier. 

He snaps out of it eventually, the moments repeating in his head. By the time he does, there's a puddle of blood at his feet and he groans lowly. 

He sighs, slowly limping into the bathroom and grabbing the first aid kit. He takes out the tweezers and some bandages.

He gradually removes the smallest to the largest bits of glass in his feet, disinfecting it, and bandaging it up. Exhausted, he walks out of the bathroom and cleans up the glass and photos; throwing away the pictures of him and yenn into the bin with the glass from the frames. 

He finally gets himself in bed, and sleeps, at 11 am. 

Restlessly, he may add. Twisting and turning, dreaming of nothing and yet something. 

He awakes later that day, 6 pm, to Ciri shaking him asking if he's going to make dinner or if she should order food. 

He reckons they're going to have take out for a while.

Geralt orders her some sushi, and himself a katsudon rice bowl from the Japanese place nearby. It comes 45 minutes later and they're eating together in silence in the living room.

She asks what happened to his foot and he replies he had an accident, she knows not to pry, especially when the tired in his voice is more potent than normal.

She stays by his side the rest of the day, they don't talk much, but he feels better that she's near him, and she understands.

Ciri was and will always be a beacon of hope for him. Even when the light at the end of the tunnel feels impossible to reach.

The day passes quickly, and Geralt doesn't find the energy to do anything besides lay in bed or sit on the couch with Ciri. Perhaps it was that everyone he cared about either abandoned him or he pushed them away, it made him feel.. Upset.

Grief ridden.

* * *

Jaskier woke up around 1 pm, and the last couple of days didn't appear to bother his mind until it all came crashing back down when he turned slightly and realised he was hugging his abusive ex.

Said man was gently playing with Jaskiers hair, looking dozed off. 

"Feril..?" he murmers quietly, and Feril snaps out of whatever trance he was in to look at Jaskier.

"hi." he smiles at Jaskier, "want to get out of bed?"

"I have to go to work" he sighs, meeting Ferils eyes.

"no, you don't" his tone is assertive, ".. What I mean is, you can stay here with me for the day and call your boss. You look like you need a break"

Jaskier didn't have the energy to argue, so he just silently nods. "can I have breakfast in bed, please? I really don't want to get up"

Feril is quiet for a moment before kissing Jaskiers temple, "of course. Wait here a moment."

The agent gets out of bed lightly, and makes his way to the kitchen. Jaskier watches him leave before sitting up. 

Did this mean they were back together?

He didn't know what to do.

Dependant. Thats what he was. On others, like Geralt and Feril. When Feril was out of the picture, he leaned on Geralt; vented to him, leeched off him. Now, that Geralts out of the picture, he's leaning on Feril, leeching him, annoying him, venting to him. Depending on him.

Eventually even Feril will kick him away like a stray puppy.

Everyone does. Even his own father did. 

He doesn't realise he's crying till a tear stain appears on the blanet. He blinks, before rubbing his tears away quickly and breathing in and out.

"your favourite breakfast items are.." — _geralts pancakes — _"crossiants right?" Feril pops in, tapping his chin, "I remember you telling me that" 

"uh, sure." Jaskier shrugs. "I don't care." 

"hm" Feril stares him like he wants to say something but walks out of the room again, before coming back in with a tray holding a plate of crossiants; buttered and chocolate filled. With a cup of tea and a small plate holding some apples and oranges. 

Feril sits back down next to him in bed as he slowly takes a bite into a chocolate crossiant and sips the tea, his hand making its way to the back of Jaskiers neck. They're quiet, and Jaskier doesn't find himself complaining for once. He needed some quiet. 

"Jas, I wanted to ask you something" Jaskier knows that voice, its the voice Feril puts on when he fakes sounding nervous, and Jaskier has a feeling he knows what he's going to ask. "I.. I want us to be together again, if you'd give me another chance.".

Jaskier swallows his food before replying. 

"I..." he looks away from the food, and from Feril. "I don't know..we..i.." he closes his eyes. He needed someone. "okay. One more chance, Feril, one more chance, don't fuck this up"

Feril kisses his neck when he accepts, and Jaskier pushes away the bad feeling in his head, continuing to eat. He messages triss, saying he was busy and couldn't come today to work. She replies, but Jaskier doesn't read it.

He stays in bed for most of the day, mindlessly playing his guitar and composing. Feril leaves somewhere around three hours after breakfast and Jaskier finds himself writing and singing, testing chords, the entire damn day.

He doesn't even get up unless it's to go to the bathroom or find himself some food. 

By the time Feril comes back from work, he's drafted a new song, her sweet kiss, but it's still in its early stages; he can't decide between gorgeous gorrotter, or lovely gorrotter.

He doesn't hate Yennefer, but he doesn't think he likes her. But he's sure geralt loves her, more than he will ever love Jaskier.

He gets an email from his agent, she says something about addressing the viral video while it's still trending, he says he'll meet with her next week.

Feril is nice today, Jaskier suspects that he's going to keep up this act till he let's down his guard.

The singer finally gets out of bed when he feels too claustrophobic, air, he needed air. He grabs a jacket, he figures it's ferils when he feels it hang off his wrists slightly, and heads to the back garden. He sits on the grass, staring at the sky, wondering how Geralt felt right now. 

The fool was probably angry and.. Upset. Jaskier knew heartbreak like a second language, he saw it in Geralt's eyes, he probably shouldn't have talked to the mercenary when he was so pent up, probably should have given him space when he saw Yennefer stomping off. 

But what about him?

He didn't deserve to be yelled at. Or tossed aside. Anger built under his skin, fuck geralt, fuck Yenn, fuck everyone, including himself because life fucking sucks, right? Destiny was a bitch.

He puts his fists at his eyes and groans to himself, why was his heart so heavy?

_If life could give me one blessing, it would be to take you off my hands_

Hurts_. _His lungs hurt. His heart hurt. His everything hurt.

Despite the fury, the hurt remained. He wished it didn't.

* * *

Three days pass before Jaskier returns to Merigold, he assure Feril he would be fine, and things would be okay, that he would be back with triss but would come over on weekends. Feril seemed to come to agreement with that, somewhat begrudgingly.

It feels odd putting on his apron again, he tells triss he won't man the register anymore, and she doesn't mind, but tells him the only exception will be when Tyler isn't working.

He makes the incoming orders, and glances over the counter around the usual time geralt comes in, he's not sure why, he's sure the mercenary doesn't want anything to do with him. Hell, he doesn't know if he's ready to see geralt yet, perhaps he wants the man to grovel a bit first before he sees him and talks to him.

So you must imagine his surprise when Geralt actually does walk in, in a hoodie and sweats, looking worse than ever. His heart jumps to his throat and he knows triss is already agitated by the amount of days he's missed so he can't possibly just decide he's leaving now just because a certain customer walked in. 

He avoids eye contact with Geralt, they were nothing but strangers now. He hands triss Geralts normal order and tells her to give it to him. He pretends he doesn't notice Geralts lingering stare on him in the corner of his eye, he doesn't care, he's going to let Geralt stare.

Surprisingly, Geralt stays in shop, for hours, almost till closing time before he leaves, Jaskier notices his fingers are twitching at his sides and his lip looks chewed up, nervous habits of Geralts, and he wonders how the man that had yelled at him to fuck off was the nervous one in this situation.

Cahir visits, near closing time, and he talks about how work was busy, even tells Jaskier an interesting story; and Jaskier smirks.

"you remembered I wanted you to tell me work stories. Thanks" the batista nods at Cahir. "just for that, want a free crossiant?"

"how can I say no to free food?" Cahir chuckles, "thank you" he murmers as Jaskier passes a paper bag with a buttered crossiant in it.

"you never texted me" Jaskier pouts, "you better not forget to text me later, okay? We need to hang out and you can share a bunch of stories with me"

Cahir has a glint in his eyes as he nods, "sorry, work got in the way. My superior was on my back all week"

"I can imagine, you're clinging to the coffee like a life line." Jaskier pats his arm, "I gotta go, make coffees, y'know. Its almost the end of my shift"

"quite fortunate for you. I still have to go back to go give a report to my boss" Cahir sighs, tired eyes lingering on his watch.

Jaskier chuckles, "bye, Cahir" he smiles weakly, before going back to making orders.

Geralt didn't expect for Jaskier to be so.. Quiet, when he had stayed in the coffee shop, usually, he was loud, and presentive, offering a warm atmosphere to every customer, today, he was quiet, barely talking to anyone, just doing work. He didn't even sing to the people at his usual time. 

Geralt didn't think either of them were ready to hear the apology he had made for the singer. He wasn't much of a talker, he still needed it build up the nerve to even give the speech to Jaskier, and fuck, he didn't know how Jaskier would react, before he knew it, he was chewing his lip like a taffy and struggling to look away from Jaskier.

He could already hear triss scolding him as he left the coffee shop, but he couldn't bare it any longer. He had made Jaskier feel bad, he had made him go back to his ex, he had fucked everything up.

Geralt drove him away.

He missed him.

But fuck, they both needed time. 

Time. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time passes, Geralt works on an apology speech, while Jaskier attends a meeting, things are already stiff in his relationship with Feril once more. Geralt thinks he's ready to apologise.

Two weeks of going to Merigold every day, besides weekends because Jaskier didn't work then, two weeks of silently praying for some god to give him the will to go talk to Jaskier, two weeks of procrastination.

He had no idea how he was going to apologise, if Jaskier ever did decide to hear him out. He had a beginning speech, but then he scrapped it deciding it wasn't good enough for the singer/poet. He didn't have a way with words like Jaskier did, and hell, he hasn't apologised to anyone intimately before. Sure, he's apologised for beating Lambert up when he annoyed him and eskel, or how about the time he apologised for breaking into an old ladies apartment while hunting down his target who had ran away, those count? But this, this was totally different, because.. He had majorly fucked up.

Fuck, he was the definition of a horrible person. 

No matter what he did, he couldn't keep people happy, every action he did, it was always result in unhappiness, on both sides.

After much thinking he just decided the reason why was because, well, he wasn't a good person. 

He never would be. 

He was a monster who killed for money, and broke people's hearts like he breathed air. 

A monster. 

No wonder his mother abandoned him.

"—Geralt?" Ciris voice snaps him out of it. "Yenn sent me a text asking if I can come over this weekend, is it okay if I go?"

"yeah, uh, of course." Geralt nods, blankly looking at her. "actually, daddy needs some time for himself, do you mind staying with her for a week?"

He couldn't hurt Ciri like he did everyone else, this was for the best. 

"no, i don't mind, are you okay?" she pats Geralts shoulder gently. 

"of course I am, sweetheart. You have any homework?" 

Ciri rolls her eyes, but nods a yes and grabs her bag; showing geralt she would get on it right now. He watches her walk into her room, before shakily sighing. 

He grabbed a pen, and a piece of paper.

It's better to plan what he wanted to write. 

He couldn't just apologise while Jaskier was working, so on his break would be the best time. 

First he would ask if Jaskier could hear him out, and when— If he says yes, Geralt would explain what he did was wrong, why it was wrong, and he wouldn't do it ever again. Simple as that, right? 

Oh, and, let's not talk about Jaskier could totally just reject his apology and refuse to forgive him. 

The thought of it just hurt him.

Geralt closes his eyes steadily, breathing before breathing out. He had to be confident. 

Geralt wouldn't know what to do if Jaskier just.. Ignored him. 

For the last two weeks, Jaskier had been the only thing on his mind he's forgotten to properly take care of himself. He hasn't done his daily jog in forever, hell, when was the last time he went out besides going to Merigold to try to work the courage to say hi to Jaskier. He hasn't even properly showered in a while. 

He got up from the couch, and walked to the bathroom and got ready for a shower. The air in the bathroom is chilly, and thin, when the water starts running. He loved warm baths, but he needed a cold one to calm down his nerves, loosen his muscles and prepare his body for the intense work out he was going to give himself today as punishment for slacking off.

He showers for twenty minutes, before getting out and drying himself. Pulling on workout clothes, and tying his hair up, he stretches, yelling to Ciri he was going out before leaving in a jog.

* * *

Stepping into his agents office, he smiles at her, sitting across from her.

"let's skip the obvious questions," she begins as he settles. "do you have a media platform with a large group of fans or at least some sort of coverage?"

"I have a twitter" he pulls out his phone, getting the app open. "with.. 1,000 followers, most are from some past shows and stuff I've done"

"okay, but is it your offical platform? Is it where you want people to address you? Most people I work with prefer Instagram, or YouTube" she pulls a binder from the side and opens it, flipping through it and pushing it to Jaskier. "Essi Daven addressed her sudden stardom on YouTube, which is now one of her main platforms" 

Jaskier looks at it for a moment before looking back at his phone. "I think I prefer twitter. I haven't used Instagram in years so" 

"alright, okay, twitter it is." She nods at him, "im going to set you up with a more professional account and you can link it in your old twitter for your followers to follow this one instead" she takes out a laptop and starts typing quickly. 

Theres a moment of silence before she comes to a pause and hesistates. 

"I have the account set up, let me give you the password and username and you can log right in after you link it in your current twitter account" she grabs a marker and a stickynote, writing down on it. 

Jaskier nods, doing as she says. A couple minutes later, and he logs onto his new account. 

"okay, uh, what now?" 

"find that video of you. It won't be hard to, you're kind of trending" she tells him, "and then makes a thread from it, saying anything you want along the lines of telling people that it was you in the video, and that this is your offical twitter. Considering how much it blew up, it won't be long before you get a good couple followers."

Jaskier nods, nervously tying up something along the lines of 'hey! It's jaskier! I'll be answering questions in this thread, make sure to follow my offical twitter' and he definitely doesn't forget to add a smiley face for effect. 

Once posting, and then refreshing the page, he's surprised to already have around 100 likes on his thread off the video and a couple of comments already. 

"see? Easy. Take the next hour or so to answer questions and anything. Don't post anything controversial, not now, we don't want you to lose followers you don't already have." she explains, "I have another in like 20 minutes, is this all?"

"oh, uh, I was wondering if we could organise a show? I don't know where, maybe at the red light district in town? Just somewhere that isn't a coffee shop" He chuckles.

"hm." she types on her laptop, "I'll see what I can do for you. So nice seeing you, Jaskier, I'll see you next time" she takes his hand and shakes it.

Jaskier nods, grabbing his stuff before leaving the room, ready to hail down an uber before a body is behind him, a hand on the back of his throat; not threateningly, but it's there.

"so this is your new agency!" Feril exclaims, and Jaskier has to calm down his jack rabbit heart beat.

"fuck, Feril, you scared me" he nervously comments. "yeah, did you follow me here?"

"no, no. I just looked up your name and found this agencys preferal list." he smirks. "it was easy to find you. Wanna grab dinner with me?"

"sure, im starving" he subconsciously pulls away from Feril as a whole, putting his own hand where ferils was on the back of his neck.

Feril leads Jaskier to his car, and they're driving towards a familiar road that's famous for its restaurants and such, Jaskier finds himself shrinking into his jacket; these places were way out of his price range and were too fancy for what Jaskier was wearing.

They stop infront of a nice, but full place, le meilleur.

"leave your bag and guitar here." Feril says as he takes out his car keys.

Jaskier nods quickly, leaving his bag and guitar in the back of the car, getting out as Feril did, and quickly rounding the vechile to grab ferils arm to go inside. 

They step inside, and Jaskier feels.. Out of place. All of these people were well dressed, well mannered, and well, the opposite of Jaskier. He was already receiving stares. 

"we'll have a table for two, please" Feril murmers to the host, who nods and guides them to a table in the corner of the restaurant, and gives them two menus.

Jaskiers face feels red, and he's sure he looks like a tomato, and sighs.

"of course you had to take me to fancy restaurant the day I wasn't wearing my actually good clothes" Jaskier murmers, and Feril rolls his eyes.

"you should always wear your good clothes.," Feril comments, raising an eyebrow. "especially if you're going to be with me"

"I didn't know you were going to pick me up" Jaskier retorts. "its rude to say that, you should be saying I look good no matter what"

"Jaskier, you know you're good looking, but it doesn't hurt to put some effort in" Feril crosses his arms. "just do as I say. Wear better looking stuff. People will treat you with more respect. Just.. Pick something out from the menu"

"I want the grilled fish with the same pan grilled veggies, please." he rubs his arms, biting his lip. He did look like a slob, maybe he needed to put more effort in, if not for him, for Feril..

Geralt wouldn't have cared.

No, he- he wasn't thinking about him anymore.

He couldn't. 

Or else he'd breakdown.

He didn't want to breakdown.

He didn't want to.. Miss geralt. 

But he did. 

His heart fucking hurt. 

"Jaskier."

He wanted Geralts judgement free dates, and geralts warm hugs, or how he would call him 'jask' when he was upset, or—

"Jaskier, people are staring, stop crying." Feril hissed, grabbing his napkin and wiping Jaskiers tears. "sorry, he— he has allergies, nothing to worry about" Feril tells the old couple sitting next to them.

Jaskier shakes his head, wiping away his tears quickly and looking at the table instead of forward towards Feril. 

A hand wraps around his wrist, tight, and firm. 

"you're okay. Why the fuck are you crying in public? Was it something I said? Don't be so sensitive" Feril frowns, "people are going to think something happened."

"sorry" Jaskier murmers, he hadn't meant to cry he just.. He couldn't help it when he thought about Geralt, because well, he missed him. 

A waiter approaches, and they both tell him their orders, before the waiter leaves to go tell the chefs. 

Ferils grip on his wrist wasnt letting up, and Jaskier closed his eyes. 

"Feril." he tugged on his wrist, and the other man finally got the clue, letting go of Jaskiers wrist. 

"sorry" Feril mumbles, as Jaskier rubs his wrist and winces slightly at the red ring around it already forming. 

"it's okay" Jaskier excuses, "let's just.. Wait for our food"

They sit in silence, usually Jaskier would try to fill in silence with chatter but.. Recently he wasn't feeling it. 

His phone vibrates in his pocket and he blinks, oh right, answering questions. 

He takes out his phone, and starts answering questions on the thread he had created, not so surprised to see he's already gotten around 1, 200 followers on his new account.

He's halfway through answering his tenth question when the food arrives, and his grilled fish is place infront of him. He puts his phone down in the table, and grabs the fork and knife on the side. His phone vibrates again, and he quickly turns it on silent till he finishes eating.

"huh, you seem quite popular right now" Feril mutters, a certain look in his eyes as he stares down Jaskiers phone.

Jaskier hums as a answer, taking a bite of his fish, when Feril reaches over the table and grabs his phone, and tries the password. 

"Feril" he furrows his eyebrows. "give it back"

"you changed your password?"

"of course I did" he bites back, a bad feeling bubbling in his gut. "can I have it back?"

"after dinner. Can't have you texting during time we're supposed to be sharing. Seriously" he raises an eyebrow. "be considerate"

Jaskier frowns, looking away from Ferils eyes to his fish again. "okay."

"we'll talk about this later. Could you be anymore thoughtless? Who's more important than your boyfriend?" Feril presses, before shaking his head. "you haven't even asked how I was, or if work was good—"

"fucking hell, Feril, are you going to keep talking about this?" he snaps, "im sorry! I'm the worst! God, may as well compare me to the devil for being busy!"

Perhaps his voice grew too loud because people were staring again, and Feril looked absolutely angry. Jaskier slumps, and puts his head down.

There's a moment of quiet before Jaskier sighs, "you're right. I'm sorry. I'm being selfish. How are you?"

Feril stares at him for a moment, hand clenching before he ruthlessly stabs a slice of tomato on his plate and eats it. "good. I'm fine. Perfect. Peachy."

"be honest." Jaskier pries, slowly cutting up a piece of potato.

"I'm fine." He glares at Jaskier, and the singer finds himself frustrated.

"okay. Fine. Let's take that as an answer." Jaskier pushes away his plate slightly. "—if your not going to tell me the truth. How was work?"

Feril suddenly stands, and Jaskier flinches, looking up at him.

"I'm going to the toilet." he walks away, and Jaskier shoves his hands under the table, having them hold each other tightly; ignoring the tremble in his bones.

Theres a quiet murmers around the restaurant, and Jaskier looks up, curious. His eyes immediately land on the heavy snow outside, when moments ago it was barely cloudy.

Considering the winter months were arriving soon, he wasn't too surprised, but he could already tell it was going to be snowing for a while.

He sighs, and waits for Feril to come back, which doesn't take too long. 

Feril sits back down quickly, "eat. Im not paying 25 crowns for a dish you didn't even finish"

"can I just get it to go?" Jaskier picks at the fish.

"no." He sighs. "I'm sorry, I've just had a bad day. We can get it take out for you."

The air is thick before Jaskier askes, "can I have my phone back?"

"not now. When we go home" Feril continues to eat.

"I'm staying with triss today" the singer rubs his arm softly,

"no, you're not" Feril states firmly, "do not argue with me."

"i—"

"Jaskier."

Said man pales and nods slightly, "okay"

Feril finishes his food, and askes for a take out box with the check; the waiter returns with the check and the Styrofoam box.

Jaskier makes quick work of packing up his fish while Feril pays, and stands. Jaskier follows quickly, holding the takeout box in a plastic bag.

They get back in the car, and the ride home is quiet. 

"fucking snow." Feril murmers, grip tightening on the steering wheel.

"I like it" Jaskier smiles, "i— remember the last time It snowed?"

Feril snorts, "you literally made a snow Fort in the back garden. I remember your pout when it collapsed on you."

"yeah." Jaskier fondly remembers. "when I was kid, I never got the chance to play in the snow, or hell, even in the summer, I was barely allowed out to play with other kids."

"no wonder you're not mature now" Feril remarks, it's meant to sound like a joke but there's heat behind his words that make Jaskier falter slightly.

"well atleast I have an excuse, you act like you're sixty years old, all seriousness and everything." Jaskier clenched his jaw. "even Geralt wasn't that bad" he finds himself whispering.

"what? Why the fuck would you bring up your ex?" Feril glares at him. "I'm not worse than him"

Jaskier blinks, he hadn't really expected him to hear that. "It just slipped out"

But the truth was, Feril would forever be worse than geralt, he would be worse than anyone. No one could beat how Geralt made him feel, warm and safe.

"any.. Anyway," Jaskier shakes his head, "I love you, don't stress about it" 

Love was used broadly here, he..had mixed feelings about Feril.

But he had to love someone. 

So, Feril was it for the moment. 

A week after coming back to the man, Jaskier opened up to him about Geralt, and how he blamed everything on Jaskier. 

Feril wasn't surprised for some reason, Jaskier is unsure why.

Eventually, they stop infront of Ferils house, and Jaskier immediately gets out of the car as his boyfriend parks it and gets out too.

He takes his shoes off at the door and puts his bag next to the shoe rack, making his way to the kitchen and opening the fridge to pull out a energy drink.

He's alone for a while, quiet, and he just listens to Ferils footsteps around the house before finally going to join him in the bedroom.

He steps inside their shared room, and watches as his old agent changes into something casual before he speaks up again. 

"my phone?" He askes, putting his hand out to get it.

Feril stares at Jaskier for a moment, before giving in and putting his phone back in Jaskiers hand. 

"give me your password. Just for the future" Feril looks into the mirror, checking his hair and his appearance.

Jaskier squints, "why would I do that?"

Feril looks at him, raising an eyebrow. His eyes are cold.

"are you questioning me?" He huffs.

"it's been two weeks, since we got back together, that isn't long enough for me to give you my phone pass word yet." Jaskier crosses his arms, trying to make himself look bigger.

"I'm keeping you in line. I'm looking out for you. Give me your password" he grits, fists at his sides.

"don't you trust me?" Jaskier murmurs, hurt bubbling under his skin.

Feril is quiet, and that's answer enough.

"I'm not giving you my password." Jaskier says firmly, despite the slight tremble in his hands.

Feril steps forward, grabbing Jaskiers wrists once more and making the singer cringe slightly.

"you do as I say. I'm telling you to give me your password. It isn't a question. It isn't a choice. Fucking give it to me." Feril demands, voice rough.

Jaskier tugs at his wrist, but that just makes his boyfriend grip tighter, he closes his eyes; before speaking. 

"no."

The strike that comes hurts much more than he expected it to. 

* * *

Geralts body was sore from the hard workout, but it released some pent up stress and he couldn't really complain for looking after himself. He takes a pit stop at Merigold on the way home, it was one of those days Jaskier didn't work so it wouldnt be awkward when he came in.

He gets himself a coffee, before leaving the shop again, he makes quick work of walking out and back onto the streets. He makes it down the road before he sees a couple of candles set up, with some flowers; on the pavement. The candle was set up on some snow, and same with the flowers. Geralt supposed it wouldn't be long before the flame was put out due to the snow. 

Perhaps he had been so obsessed with Jaskier to even notice the annual Winter festival was starting soon. He wondered if he apologised before the festival, he might be able to take Jaskier out at the night of the festival and watch the fireworks. 

That is if Jaskier forgave him. 

And Jaskiers current boyfriend was a problem. 

From what Triss told him, Jaskier refuses to talk about their relationship even with her.

Even if Jaskier forgave him, who says he would stop being with Feril?

Who says Jaskier would want to be with him again?

After everything he's done. 

After-

After the mountain. 

After that stupid competition he joined just because Yennefer had joined. 

Fucking Yennefer. 

He hasn't thought about her. 

He feels guilty about her too. 

He feels guilty about everything that had happened. 

But it really hits hard with Jaskier because, Jaskier didn't do anything wrong. He was just there. And Geralt decided to lash out, strike him down verbally. Nothing would ever hurt more than the hurt on Jaskiers face when he said what he had said.

Geralt felt horrible.

He was horrible. 

He was a monster, plagued by nightmares and his only purpose is to hurt the people around him. He didn't know how Jaskier loved him, or how Yennefer found him attractive when, when Geralt looks in the mirror all he saw was a disgusting person with blood on his hands.

He didn't know why anyone would find his company enjoyable, he didn't know why anyone would be interested in what he said or did like Jaskier did.

His heart hurt.

It's only when he feels a clap on his shoulder that he snaps out of his thoughts, a d back to reality. 

"hey, are you okay, my friend?" he finds Mousesack staring back at him with concern. "you look paler than usual"

"im-" He looks away from Mousesack, "im horrible" he admits.

"Talk and walk" Mousesack says, no room for arguements. "I need to put up some banners for the festival around the neighborhood, so I have the time"

Geralt gulps and nods, "i.. Fuck. I don't know, Mousesack"

Geralt never was good at talking about his feelings. 

Mousesack pauses, "did something happen?"

"yes— I happened to all the people I cared about"

"you happened?" He hums, "you say that like you're a catastrophic event like a earthquake or a volcanic eruption"

"it may as well should have been a volcanic eruption. I pushed away Yennefer, again, and I hurt Jaskier." He sighs.

"tell me what happened," Mousesack begins to put up a banner on a brick wall, making sure it was secure.

Geralt begins to go over the events of the hike, and how he exploded at Jaskier, how Yennefer stomped away with tears in her eyes and how his mother was apparently keeping an eye on him.

"hm" Mousesack ponders, "you made some mistakes but.. Everyone does. You exploded as a result of building everything up and not communicating how you felt."

"but I didn't feel anything, Mousesack, just jealously and lust" he growls. "I completely ignored Jaskier and now all I feel is guilt and hurt."

Mousesack pauses, and sighs. "I think it's time you opened up about how you felt, considering if you don't, you may just end up hurting the people you care about and yourself. You need to learn to move on and carry on"

"if you say a therapist, I don't need help" He snaps.

Mousesack puts a hand up. "its just a suggestion."

Geralt clenches his jaw and huffs. "I need to get home."

He turns on his heel, and walks away from Mousesack, making his way home. 

He opens his apartment door quickly and slams it behind him, breathing laboured. 

He didn't need help. 

He didn't need help. 

He didn't need to be fixed like a broken toy.

He didn't need to talk to anyone about his problems. 

His vision begins to become black and spotty the more his breathing becomes heavy, his heart going faster than ever and his lungs felt full with water even though he knows he can breath perfectly if he just tried.

He finds himself on the floor, back against the door. Putting his head in his hands, he closed his eyes tightly.

He couldn't breath. 

He couldn't breath. 

He didn't need help. 

Hurt. 

He hurt. 

He gasps, trying to catch his breath, but the hard breath just makes his ears ring and a headache dull in his head.

"fuck" he murmers, slowly getting up and stumbling to the bathroom to open the cupboard behind the mirror above the sink. 

He rushes through all the pills before finding the pill bottle, prescribed to him not too long ago, a bottle of xanax pills and some antidepressants.

He hasn't taken them since getting them, he'd admit. 

He rushes to take out two xanax pills, and one lexapro before stumbling out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. He pours himself a cup of water quickly before taking all three of the pills.

His nerves take atleast three minutes to calm down, and he slowly catches his breath.

Fuck.

He felt numb, the slight tingle under his skin reminded him this is exactly why he stopped taking them. 

He knew the minute they wore off he wouldnt be calm anymore, he wouldn't be safe in his own skin and he wouldnt—

He shook his head, stopping himself before going into his room and falling onto his bed lifelessly.

He closes his eyes, and breathes in. 

He falls asleep.

The next day comes soon, he awakes later than normal, and gets out of bed sloppily. Looking in the mirror, he pats down his bedhead, before forcing himself into the bathroom and into the shower. 

He spends fourty minutes under the water, longer than needed perhaps because he was trying to procrastinate actually doing something. 

When he gets out, he brushes his hair with a comb before doing his usual half down half up hair style, and throwing on a black sweater, leather jeans and some combat boots; he just wanted to be comfy and didn't care if he looked like a slob.

It was the weekend, and he assumes Ciris gone to Yennefers around now. So he's alone for the most part. 

Breakfast is quick, cereal with milk; except the milks gone bad, and hes forgotten to buy some. So it's just the cereal. Dry.

He clenches his jaw, when he's finished, and decides he's going to go to Merigold again, for a coffee, and he wanted to see Jaskier even if they werent going to talk.

When he gets to the cafe, he sees its empty, practically, with the odd customer on their laptop writing in the corner. There's murmering behind the counter, and he sees Triss and Jaskier talking quietly yet aggressively. It's when Jaskier glances over tears in his eyes, huffing before stomping into the back room that he knows something is up.

"Hey, Geralt" Triss greets tiredly, rubbing her brow. "black coffee?"

"uh..i need something sweet. Caramel iced Coffee?" Yenn always ordered that when she came here, it wouldn't hurt to try It. "what's going on?"

"Jaskier—" she grits her teeth, "is fucking stupid, and won't admit that he should break up with his boyfriend"

"what happened?" Geralt furrows his brow.

"look at him closely." She looks over her shoulder when Jaskier comes back out from the back room, wiping his eyes, and starting to make Geralts coffee.

Geralt stares at the singer for a while, not seeing anything out of place till he sees that Jaskier is wearing some make up.

"so what? He's wearing make up" He says, raising an eyebrow.

"it's cover up, dumbass" She rolls her eyes. "he never wears makeup unless it's for a performance."

Geralt freezes, "so what are you trying to say?"

"Feril hit him." She crosses her arms, "also, it's 3.99"

The mercenary hands over the cash, fingers brushing against Triss'. "fuck. He won't listen to you?"

"no. He won't!" She throws her arms up in the air dramatically, and Jaskier flinches in the back.

Geralt meets his eyes, when the singer looks over, and offers a small smile; in return Jaskier looks away quietly.

"calm down." He tells her. "being brash and like this isn't going to help"

"he won't listen to me! He won't even tell me what happened, just that he deserved it apparently!" she pauses, breathing heavily. "Im not doing this again. Months of tending to his wounds, months of giving him talks and trying to convince him to let go of that bastard just for him to run back to him."

"Triss." Geralt looks at her sympathetically. "It can be hard being there for someone who doesn't want you there. But.. he's not going to talk to me. He's not going to talk to anyone else."

"I.." she rubs her arm. "when are you going to apologise?"

"tomorrow. If he's working then? He doesn't usually work weekends, whys he working now?" He raises an eyebrow.

"he insisted he takes Tyler's shift for the weekend." she glances back at Jaskier, who was finishing up Geralts coffee. "so, tomorrow, for sure?"

"definitely. I want to do it before the winter festival" He gulps as Jaskier approaches the two, putting down Geralts plastic cup down harshly.

He keeps eye contact with Geralt, as he grabs a straw and stabs it through the hole in the cup. 

"your caramel iced coffee." he hisses. "Triss, a word?"

Geralt blinks as Jaskier and Triss walk off; picking up his coffee and taking a sip, cringing slightly at how sweet it was.

He didn't like it too much, but it would have to do, he needed the sugar for energy. 

Meanwhile, Jaskier and Triss stepped into the backroom, the singer rubs his face lightly.

"what did you tell him?" he askes.

"the truth."

"it's none of Geralts business" Jaskier huffs.

"it's no one's business to lay a hand on you, yet here we are" she retorts.

Jaskier glares at her. "its none of your business to be telling anyone about my relationship as if its gossip. Do you get joy from this? Some drama in your tiny insignificant life?" he bites, not holding back.

"Jaskier." she clenches her jaw. "since you two have gotten back together, you've been less.. You"

"you don't even know me!" he growls, finding himself more aggressive than normal. "I don't even have to work this job! I got my inheritance! I'm only here to keep me busy. Let's not even talk about your pity, I don't fucking want it."

"it's not pity, Jaskier" She grabs his arm. "you're my friend and I hate seeing you like this"

"I.." he closes his eyes. "there's nothing going on, this-" he gestures to the cover up on his face. "is just.. Something new I wanted to try. Foundation, make up, whatever. Feril has been nice to me, okay? He's changed"

"we both know that's all bullshit. You hate how foundation cakes on the skin, the only make up you like is blush and sometimes lipstick, for fuck sakes, be honest with me" She bites her lip.

"I'm..taking the rest of the day off. Close up shop early if you don't want to be over worked by the end of the day" he sighs, taking off his apron. "its none of your business to talk about my relationship with anyone, and it's none of your business what goes on in my relationship" 

"Jaskier."

The singer ignores her, stratching his head lightly, before leaving the back room. When he gets out from behind the counter, he makes his way out of the cafe, giving one last look to Geralt, and he feels his heart ache again as they make eye contact.

Relationships were complicated, and despite the fact hes been with Feril for three weeks now, he absolutely misses Geralt. But Feril was better for him, in some way, he already knew what to expect when it came to Feril, and he probably deserved any thing Feril sent his way. But with Geralt, fuck, with Geralt, he didn't know what was about to happen next. He didn't know, because geralt always found ways to surprise him. When he thought he knew the man, he would pull out another secret talent (horse riding.. Baking.. He could go on) and he never failed to make Jaskier smile.

But then Geralt didn't want him, he wasn't wanted, he had never been wanted.

_If life could give me one blessing.._

He was surprised that Geralt stood him for that long.

Perhaps tomorrow would be better. 

Tomorrow. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Geralt apologises. They talk about their relationship, Jaskiers relationship, and how things might work out. There's crying. And then, a mini concert. After the euphoria Jaskier and Geralt feel due to finally sorting things out, Feril ruins it all for Jaskier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Procrastinating doing my online work by writing this instead, why write five essays on the English literature when I could write fanfics instead
> 
> This is a long one, folks, I had a lot to cover. 
> 
> The song Jaskier sings in this chapter is Little lion man by Mumford and sons, also, I saw Tissaia/Yenn on tumblr and I suddenly have a new ship, judge it if you want, its barely mentioned so don't worry if you dislike it. 
> 
> TW! Bruises, blood, bruised/potentially broken ribs, and abuse in this chapter! 
> 
> Enjoy! :)

After the events of yesterday, in which Jaskier stormed out of Merigold, leaving Triss and Geralt to worry, Geralt had spent the entire night preparing himself to apologise tomorrow.

He paced through his apartment, thinking of what he was going to say, and all the possibilities that Jaskier didn't want him any more, in fact.

But this was Jaskier, a lover who gave and gave, so perhaps there was a chance that the could hear Geralt out and even forgive him, just a chance; geralt hopes.

There was nothing more he wanted except to make Jaskier happy, and safe. 

And if that included never seeing Geralt again, he would comply to the singers wishes and, well, take himself off Jaskiers hands; despite that's what he had wished for life to do with Jaskier.

But he didn't want Jaskier off his hands anymore. He was just.. Upset, and angry and Jaskier was...just at the wrong place and the wrong time.

Nothing would ever compete to how Jaskier looked so small, so hurt, so.. sympathetic. Nothing would ever compete to how he fucked every thing up.

Like always. 

Perhaps it would be the best to keep Jaskier away from him, for the singers own good.

But..

This wasn't good for Jaskier. 

He looked more miserable than ever.

If Jaskier forgave him but didn't want things to go back to how it was, he would be fine with that, he would be fine with just being Jaskiers friend, even if he longed for more.

Geralt didn't know what he wanted anymore. 

Jaskier didn't even know half the things that were fucked up about this whole situation. 

How he was sent to kill him, how he fucked Yennefer when he was asleep in the tent, how he knows everything about the singer yet Jaskier barely knows anything about him.

Fuck. 

The only thing he can do now is be honest when he's apologising. 

Admit to everything. 

Even..even that he was sent to kill Jaskier by the man who abused him.

But he didn't want to kill Jaskier, he never did, the singer reminded him so much of Renfri the minute he met him. (somewhat) innocent, not deserving of being Geralts target.

With Renfri, she had found out about being his next target and she had fought him, had attacked him before he could get the chance to attack her first; even when he tried to tell her he didn't want to fight, he didn't want to shed her blood.

But in the end, he had crossed swords with her, and had slit her throat. 

He didn't even get his pay from that bastard stregobor. 

He remembers so vividly laying her down on the ground, her hand coming up to his face and leaving a bloody print on his cheek. He remembers the life leaving her eyes. 

He still carried her broche, on his sword, that he uses in his duels in his lessons. 

He didn't want that to happen to Julian. 

Fuck, he didnt want to ever kill Jaskier. 

And he never would. 

But with the ways things were looking, the way Jaskier was getting hurt from his boyfriend, his rebound, Jaskiers blood may be spilt from someone else's hands. 

Because, he had seen how bad things got, he had seen the pictures, how Jaskier didn't look like Jaskier, how he had bruises decorating his skin, and he didn't want that to happen again.

So he had to do something. 

The first thing, would be to apologise.

* * *

When the night finally passed, and Triss sent him a text saying Jaskier was in work, he had gotten out of bed, did his usual routine except skipped breakfast and headed to Merigold immediately. 

The sign on the door said closed, but the door was open, so he stepped inside. He saw Jaskier wiping down the counter, not looking up. 

"we're closed for another twenty minutes"

Geralt blinks. "uhh, I know." he starts.

Jaskier looks up, clenching the tea rag tighter. "of course you do. Triss just went out back to sign for our newest delivery."

It was now or never. 

"I'm not here for Triss." He keeps his distance, of course therewas the counter keeping them apart, but it didn't hurt to give Jaskier a lot more space.

"I won't make you coffee till opening time" Jaskier says coldly, turning around, throwing the tea rag in the sink, and opening the glass rustic cupboards to take out a glass.

Despite saying that, Jaskier begins to make a black coffee, that obviously wasn't for him because Jaskier likes sweet coffee, with sugar and creamer.

"maybe you can take this twenty minutes to talk with me?" Geralt tries, voice desperate and rough. 

Jaskier pauses, before sighing and nodding. "fine. Only twenty minutes. The minute triss flips that sign, we're done"

"I.." okay, he could work with that, "that's okay"

"so?" Jaskier stirs the coffee, hands hesitantly placing it on the counter, and he steps away from it.

Geralt supposes it's for him, he gently takes the cup, and takes a sip. 

"thank you."

"don't mention it." Jaskier mutters, rubbing his eyes.

"you look tired, Jaskier" He starts, suddenly at a loss for words.

"not a great start, Geralt." He snaps, glaring at the mercenary.

Geralt gulps, nervous and... scared of Jaskier rejecting everything he was going to say.

"I'm.." he looks down at his black coffee. "sorry. About.. Everything."

"go on"

"I.. Shouldn't have said what I said." he shakes his head, "at all, none of it was true"

"seemed true in the moment." Jaskier sounds quiet, arms hugging his chest.

"well it wasn't. I was.."

"hm, let me guess" Jaskier taps his chin, "heartbroken, distraught, angry at yourself and the world?"

"wrong. But yeah, that stuff too" He rubs his arm. "and I understand if you don't forgive me"

"stop right there, Geralt" Jaskier pinches the bridge of his nose. "this isn't how apologises work. You don't just say you're sorry and then it's over. You have to admit to what you did wrong." he let's out a bitter laugh, "and pray to some deity that I'm going to forgive you"

Geralt nods slowly, eyes wandering around the coffee shop before falling back onto Jaskiers.

"i treated you wrong, not only through the hike, but I whenever we were together before that. I would tell you to shut up, or to fuck off or.." he closes his eyes. "I just.. I wasn't putting in the effort you were in our relationship"

"okay." Jaskier nods, "is there more?"

"on the hike, I.." he opens his eyes, startled that they were wet, and he had to blink away the tears. "I fucking ignored you, tossed you aside, treated you no differently than a piece of dirt on the sidewalk and it wasn't fair."

"no, it wasn't."

"I know. I know that now." Geralt nods, "and I shouldn't have, you were my boyfriend, you were the best thing that happened to me in years since adopting Ciri, and I can't believe I had the audacity to treat you like that"

Geralts eyes widen when Jaskier let's out a small sob, he hadn't meant to make the man cry, fuck, he fucked up again.

"please don't cry, I'm so sorry" He rushes out. "I'm so fucking sorry"

"continue, Geralt, just continue" He wipes away his tears quickly, turning around, his back to geralt now.

"that isn't even half of it, Jaskier." he takes a moment to say. "I..slept with Yennefer, the night before our arguement"

"I know." Jaskier admits, and Geralt sees his body tremble.

"you.. Knew?"

"i went out of our tent to see if you were okay, when I heard you leave. I followed your footprints to her tent and I heard you two." he turns around again, meeting Geralts eyes, he was gripping himself so tightly Geralt was afraid he was going to bruise himself.

"fuck"

"you broke our promise, but fuck, Geralt, that wasn't what upset me the most, I don't fucking care if you slept with someone else, I don't care if you went ahead and fucked the entire fucking city; what hurt the most was that you didn't even tell me. You didn't even tell me" Jaskier sobs, tears running down his face. "if you didn't want me, why would you make that promise to me?"

"Jaskier" Geralt struggles to say, "i- shit, I want you so badly it hurts."

"your actions said other wise" He looks away from Geralt, arms dropping to his sides. "your words too" 

"you don't need to remind me." Geralt finds his coffee cold now. "I was wrong, to sleep with yenn, to toss you aside, to yell at you, to not give you the treatment you deserve"

"you know what's actually stupid, Geralt?" Jaskiers hand rush up to his hair. "i actually believed I deserved it all, every word you said to me, everything, I believed you for quite some time. And I convinced myself I moved on, but in reality I'm still hung up on every fucking word, every touch, every look we ever shared."

Geralt frowns heavily, "never in a thousand years, would you ever deserve such treatment from anyone."

"why should I believe you?"

"because, Jaskier, you're amazing, lovely, talented, gentle, yet feral and absolutely mad whenever you want to be. You're magnificent, that's why. Because you cared about Ciri even though you barely knew her, you helped me through my nightmares and didnt pry despite it being my fault you got alcohol poisioning earlier that day. When you first met Yenn, I saw how happily you greeted her despite seeing how her and I argued. You're the most selfless person I know, the most wonderful, and most caring. No one like you, Julian, should ever deserve such treatment. "

Jaskier stares at him for a moment, as if he was trying to comprehend every word just said.

" oh. "

"yeah."

Jaskier gulps, "I really want to punch you and hug you all at once right now"

"I'm not stopping you"

"is there anything else I should know?".

Geralt gulped, before nodding vigorously. He rushes our the words. "your boyfriend kind of hired me to make you fall in love with me then kill you when you broke up with him, and then before the mountain hike told me I don't have to kill you, just get you to be back together with him"

There's a long pause before Jaskier scoffs, "sounds like something he'd do, the bastard"

"you're not mad at me?"

"I'm mad you didn't tell me sooner," Jaskier crosses his arms. "seriously, what do you think would have happened if you told me?"

"i don't know.. You'd be scared?"

"hm, good point." Jaskier shrugs.

There's a moment of silence before, 

"you fucker." Jaskier huffs. "you have no right to make me feel this way. I should still be mad, I should actually be over you, but I can't get my mind off you, even on my dates with Feril, I'm still thinking about you"

Geralt pauses, "what can I do to fix this?"

Jaskier takes a moment. "come over here."

Geralt walks around the counter and face to face with Jaskier, he's not surprised when Jaskier slaps him across the face, but he fixes his jaw slightly startled at the strength behind the slap. 

"that's fair"

Jaskier cringes, "I feel bad already, but this doesn't mean I forgive you." 

"don't." Geralt rubs his cheek. "I deserved it."

"I'm sure this.. Entire situation has been just as bad for you as it has been for me." Jaskier sighs.

"I.." Geralt shouldn't turn this onto him, this was supposed to be about Jaskier, this entire apology. "I guess so"

"want to talk about it?"

Geralt stares at Jaskier for a good moment, surprised the singer was actually worried for him despite having not quite forgiven him completely yet.

"this isn't about me, right now."

"are you absolute moron?" Jaskiers eyebrows furrow together. "if we're talking about our relationship, we're talking about you as well. Not just me."

"oh, uh, alright" Geralt nods awkwardly, he hadn't expected that.

"I..are you okay? I mean, obviously not, but.. Talk to me about it. You..look tired." Jaskier murmers.

"I am." He admits. "my nightmares are worse..i can't stop them and.." he feels dizzy very suddenly. "I keep getting these panic attacks and I can't..sometimes I can't breath"

"did you have anyone with you? Yenn? Ciri? I don't know." Jaskier frowns, "its better to have someone when you go through this stuff"

"no, i didn't. I just.. I took some anti anxiety pills to calm myself down" He explains, "I don't want to talk about it."

"oh, um. Okay." Jaskier nods, "we don't have to. Uh.. Can I ask a question?"

Geralt nods, "of course"

"your mission, to uh, make me fall in love with you and then you kill me.. Does that just make our entire relationship, I dunno, fake..?" Jaskier squints.

"no!" he exclaims, before calming down. "no, no, it wasn't even days after meeting you that I knew you shouldn't be killed but then after getting to know you, I fell in love with you, in fact."

This was tough to say, Geralt realised when he choked on his words, he was terrified of rejection and he couldn't stop himself from shaking as he spoke.

He hasn't said this much to anyone in weeks, somehow just being around Jaskier dragged the words out of his mouth. 

"oh." Jaskier blinks. "you.. fell in love with me?"

"yeah. I did."

"but.." Jaskier takes a moment, "why? I get it, with everything you said earlier, you think I'm amazing, but..why me? You could have anyone"

"Jaskier, I don't want just anyone." He closes his eyes. "I want you."

Jaskier gulped, and nodded slowly. 

"okay. Okay. Sure." His fingers rub against each other, in a circular movement. "I'm sorry — I changed the subject. About you. Let's talk. Why do you think you don't deserve me?"

"why do you think I don't deserve you?" Geralt raises an eyebrow. "its the same case, probably. Just worse on my part. I'm a monster. I kill people. I've hurt you, and everyone I care for. Why would anyone ever want me?"

"what? Why would anyone ever want you? Are you a fool?" He huffs, crossing his arms. "you're strong, breathtaking, yet you have weaknesses and you aren't afraid to be blunt when you think something."

Geralt huffs, "but I've killed people, I just hurt people, that completely dismisses any of the things you just said."

"Geralt. You've fought in the war, you get nightmares about the people you couldn't save, doesn't that just speak for itself? And how about how you said you stopped killing people who didn't deserve it. I mean, obviously our entire relationship is— was proof enough of that. You were supposed to kill me but here we are."

"I.." Geralt couldn't argue with that, because if he did, he'd literally be arguing their relationship.

"yeah, yeah, that's what I thought." said Jaskier, making a face.

There's a long moment of silence, just the both of them standing near each other; it wasn't awkward, it was almost comforting for the two. 

"what are we going to do?" Geralt speaks up, "about.. Us?"

"I.." Jaskier stares at him, "I want you, I really do. But I'm not..i don't think we're both ready to be with each other yet. There's a lot the both of us need to sort out."

"if you want me, why can't you have me, then?"

"because it wouldn't be healthy right now, especially when I'm still sour over everything. Just because you've apologised doesn't mean it's fixed the emotional scars you've left on me." Jaskier meets his eyes, tears building up in his blue eyes.

"it wouldn't be healthy?" Geralt tilts his head. "its your choice, it's okay. We can wait for things to be better before we.. Y'know."

"yeah."

Triss walks in, nodding at the two before flipping the open/closed sign to the open side.

"Triss, its been longer than twenty minutes" Jaskier comments, "you set this up didn't you?"

"you two needed to talk." She shrugs, "Geralt, out from behind the counter."

Geralt nods, and follows her orders, leaving from behind the counter and sitting down on one of the sofas.

It doesn't take long for the cafe to be busting with people soon, and Geralts confused as to why. It was a regular Sunday.

Around an hour later, and the talking in the cafe comes to a murmers and soon to nothing but silence, as Jaskier steps out from behind the counter and sits on that stool Geralt first saw him on. He's clutching his guitar lightly. 

"wow, ah, this is a lot more people than I expected." Jaskier chuckles, "im assuming most of you are from my twitter, its nice to see you all. I'm Jaskier." 

Geralt blinks, and looks around, half the audience that had arrived were teen girls, and the other half boys that Geralt assumed actually came for the music instead of Jaskiers looks like the girls. 

"today I'm going to do a couple of covers, and I'll be taking requests." He chuckles lightly, almost awkwardly. "I've had a bad couple of weeks, so doing this is going to relieve a lot of pressure."

Jaskiers eyes land on Geralt, giving him a slight nod before his eyes flicker across the room, and he smiles slightly; before clearing his throat and casting his eyes somewhere else. 

Geralt takes a look to where he had stared, He lands on a familiar man, his old employer who had hired him to kill Jaskier, and currently, Jaskiers boyfriend.

"okay, uh, I might run out of breath, so you guys have to laugh when I do, okay? Or else it's going to be awkward, also this song is usually done with banjos, but I have a guitar so.." He chuckles, "okay, ready?" 

The audience cheers a 'yes' and there's a couple of whistles as Jaskier starts strumming. This small concert felt humble, and comforting for Jaskier, Geralt sensed. 

"Weep for yourself, my man, you'll never be what is in your heart. Weep little lion man, you're not as brave as you were at the start.." Jaskier starts, fingers playing against the strings flawlessly, and Geralt knows that years of practice is the reason why his hands are so calloused.

* * *

The small gig Jaskier had set up came to an end around 45 minutes after he started, leaving the singers throat raw and slightly sore, but he was merry that he had gotten to sing for an audience. He took some questions after finishing the gig, but most people had left soon after, so there weren't many.

As he gets ready to get behind the counter again, a hand places on his arm, and he turns around, blinking when he sees Feril when he had expected a man with silver hair instead. He hesistates, and smiles at Feril.

"hey. You did good" Feril murmers, leaning in and kissing Jaskier softly. "I'm proud of you"

Jaskier found himself beaming at the praise, blushing slightly. "thanks. I'm glad you could make it"

"I had to make up for what happened with your phone somehow, didn't I?" He chuckles lightly, "I love you"

Jaskiers fingers twitch, "I uh, i— I think I hear triss calling me"

Ferils face turns sour. "I never liked her, when are you going to listen to me and quit this job?"

"when my music career actually picks up a lot more" Jaskier frowns. "she's my friend, by the way. Be nice"

"hey, watch the attitude." Feril grits, "but fine, I'll stand her. Can you make me a tea?"

"iced or hot?"

"iced." Feril kisses him one more time, and Jaskier pulls away before it can go any further.

"okay, I'll bring it you after it's done" Jaskier finally steps behind the counter and into the backroom, putting his guitar back in its place and putting his apron back on.

He starts on Ferils iced milk tea, he notices Geralt at the counter waiting for him to be free, and he flashes him a slight smile as if trying to tell the mercenary to be patient.

He slips out from behind the counter and brings the iced milk tea to his boyfriend, grinning at Feril weakly when he smiles at him. 

"you want to talk?" Jaskier mutters to Geralt, before going behind the counter again, it felt like he was going to do a lot of back and forths today. "triss considered the gig part of my shift because it brought in customers, so my break is in like ten minutes, you can stay in the back room till"

Geralt nods, and slowly makes his way to the backroom. Jaskier quickly makes drinks and puts them at the front, calling people's names for them to collect their drinks or pastries. 

"when is he going to get out?" Triss says seethingly, practically letting steam out of her ears.

Jaskier already knew who she was talking about. "he's my boyfriend, be nice." he found himself repeating. "he's probably staying till the end of my shift."

"ugh, why did you tell him about your gig?"

"because he's my boyfriend?" Jaskier chuckles, "it's okay, I have an hour left of work and then we're both out of here"

Triss rolls her eyes, and continues taking orders. The ten minutes pass quickly and he finds himself in the backroom with Geralt again.

"so.. Uh, where were we?" 

"you said we couldn't be together right now"

"oh, uh, yeah." Jaskier nods. "its nothing personal, my dear. Give it a while before we could actually start dating again" 

Geralt smiles, its small and awkward, but it's a smile that makes Jaskiers heart skip a beat.

"okay. This time there will be a lot more effort on my part. I promise"

Jaskier frowns slightly, "don't make promises, Geralt, I find you aren't very well at keeping them"

"no. This is one I'm sure I can keep" Geralt says firmly. "I uh, but what about your boyfriend?"

"Feril? He's amazing, really, I just.. I don't know if he can beat you. If I had to choose, it would be you, in the end of the day" Jaskiers ears feel hot as he speaks, as if he just admitted some dirty little secret.

"amazing?" Geralt furrows his eyebrows. "Jaskier, raise up your sleeves."

Jaskier sweats, he was really hoping Geralt hadn't noticed the bruises on his wrists. "what?" he tries.

"Jaskier, roll them up." he sighs softly.

Jaskier figures there's no use not complying, Geralt already knew what Feril used to do to him, so he rolls up his sleeves awkwardly.

"so?" He avoids Geralts gaze, he didn't want the pity.

"these are horrible."

He feels geralts hand slowly and gently take his wrists, it's a touch so soft he barely felt it. 

"fuck, Jaskier, why do you put up with this?" Geralt hisses, "let's not start on the obvious cover up on your face." 

"yeah, let's not." Jaskier clears his throat. "its my fault, I swear." 

"how the fuck would this be your fault?" 

"well, it was partially my fault, to be honest, I mean-" he clenches his jaw, "I should've just listened to him" 

Geralts quiet for a moment. "you need to break it off with him, even if you aren't with me" 

"so what? Just so then he'll hire you again? And this time there won't be a second chance? He'll have you kill me?" Jaskier bites back. 

"you know I would never—" 

"everyone would kill someone they love for the right price, Geralt." Jaskier glares into the floor. "I know from experience. My families name isn't dirty for no reason" 

"im aware, Jaskier. But I would give up my life for you, no matter the price. I'm not going to let someone hurt you" 

Jaskier closes his eyes. "shit." 

"please don't cry" Geralt mutters. "I cant deal with tears" 

"I'm not going to cry" Jaskier huffs. "I want to hug you, even though I haven't forgiven you completely yet"

Geralt hesitantly opens his arms wide, and Jaskier finds himself in them before he could even take a breath of air.

"we don't have to be together to not be friends." Geralt murmers, nosing into his hair. "i miss you. so much. I just want to be with you, even if it isn't romantically right now"

"I missed you too." Jaskier sighs into Geralts shoulder. "you and your cooking"

Geralt chuckles, "just my cooking?"

"hm, a lot more too" Jaskier flirts, but catches himself. "ah.. Anyway, did you enjoy the gig?"

"it was nice. You looked happy." Geralt shrugs, pulling away from the hug. 

"c'mon, admit it was more than nice. Say it, say you liked it" Jaskier teases, grinning.

Geralt rolls his eyes. "I need to go to my horse riding stable to see Roach, I promised her I would see her this weekend last Sunday"

"tell her I said hi" Jaskier hums, "give her a sugar cube on my behalf"

"you should really come with me sometime. I think she'll.. Like you, moderately"

"like horse like rider. She'll probably warm up to me" Jaskier smiles, "I'll.. See you later?"

"yeah." Geralt nods. "I'll see you later."

And so, Geralt leaves the back room to head off, while Jaskier stays put in the cafe, eating his lunch and drinking some tea to soothe his throat. He hadn't sung in a while so the gig really surprised his vocal cords, but he was pleased with how it turned out.

His break finishes quickly and Jaskier gets to work, Cahir pops in the regular time he always does, Jaskier always gives him his regular and a free pastry in exchange for a cool story for his songs.

"you did a gig?" Cahir raises an eyebrow. "I'm sure you were amazing"

"I was!" Jaskier grins, and Cahirs lips twitch up (jaskier learnt very soon that usually meant he was amused) at the singers confidence.

"I'm sorry to have missed it then, I was in a meeting with the white flame." He informs, "the emperor of Nilfgaard, it was an honor, truly. Not many people get the chance to be graced by his presence"

"the white flame?" Jaskier furrows his eyebrows. "oh, uhm, you don't want to mention Nilfgaard in here. We're a cintran and temerian cafe"

"it's the same in the Nilfgaard cafe down the road, no mentioning temeria or Cintra."

"ugh, I hate that place" Jaskier visibly shudders, "they have some front put up to hide something nasty and I don't want to even know"

Cahir squints at him, "oh?"

"yeah—"

"Jaskier! You're two orders behind! Stop talking" Triss butts in, giving a glance to Cahir.

"oh, shit. Sorry. I gotta work, Cahir" He sweats, "talk to you later?"

"of course."

Cahir leaves and Jaskier swiftly starts working, catching up on orders and making sure it was top quality with every drink to keep Merigold on top of its game. 

The time his shift ends, he and Triss are packing up the cafe, Jaskier can see Feril waiting outside of the cafe for him to finish up. He puts the last stool atop a table before hugging Triss goodbye and rushing outside to Feril. 

His boyfriend doesn't greet him, nor touch him, which is odd for Feril, but Jaskier doesn't mention it. They're in his car before he knows it, and Jaskier watches as the snow falls again just like the days before today. He grows giddy, the festival was going to come soon, and last year Triss had taken him to see the fireworks. Perhaps Geralt— Feril would take him to see them this year. After all, it was a couples thing to do.

He could still go with Geralt, even just as friends. 

Yeah. 

Friends.

They make it home quickly and it was apparent very soon that Feril wasn't happy. Jaskier was unsure what to do except stand there waiting for him to do something, whether it was yelling, or talking, or anything. He was unnerved by ferils silence.

The minute they had entered the house, Jaskier stood infront of him as if expecting something. Feril just glared at him. 

"what?" Jaskier says, fingers picking at each other.

"I don't know, Jaskier, what?" Feril bites back. 

"what's got you so upset?" He sighs, subconsciously taking a step back to put some distance between them. 

"hm, I wonder. Perhaps you went into the backroom with your ex for around 25 fucking minutes? Or how you talked to that man at the counter, gave him free food, and even stopped working for a while because of him? Obviously flirting." he answers, hands clenching at his sides. 

" Geralt and I were just talking.. And Cahir is my friend. Just a friend. Seriously, not everyone I talk to I'm interested in. Is this all? You're just jealous?" Jaskier reaches out to gently take his hands. 

"don't fucking touch me" Feril pulls his hands away. "I can't believe you" 

Jaskier grits his teeth. "you can't believe _me_? Let's not start on how you fucked every girl and man you came across last time we were together." _and how you hired geralt to kill me_ was left unsaid. Perhaps because Jaskier just knew if he brought that up right now, it would escalate things. 

"you were okay with it!" Feril throws his arms on the air and Jaskier had to force himself not to flinch. 

"I was okay with it? Who told you that?" Jaskier retorts. 

Ferils face says enough, and Jaskier knows he's going to change the subject. "fuck off, Jaskier" 

"no, we're going to talk about this." Jaskier grabs Ferils arm, pushing through the fear bubbling under his skin. 

"I said, fuck off." Feril hisses, glaring at him. 

"even if I did do something with Geralt in that 25 minutes, why does it matter? Why can't i go fuck others while you go do it like it's a hobby?!" Jaskier yells, letting go of Ferils arm to start pacing. 

"who the fuck are you yelling at?" Feril growls, grabbing Jaskier suddenly and pushing him to the wall. 

"let fucking go of me—"

A punch to his face stops him, and the taste of blood in his teeth makes him cringe. 

Feril makes a noise, and Jaskier meets his eyes, and sees how they're still filled with rage and anger, causing terror to run through his veins. Every time Feril would hit him, he would immediately regret it, but Jaskier suspected right now, he had pushed too far. He had over stepped the boundaries. This was going to be worse than normal. 

Feril roughly pulls Jaskier off the wall just to slam him back into it. "why the fuck can you ever just be good?" he questions, and Jaskier flinchs. 

"let me go" He murmers, and some sort of relief floods him when Feril listens. 

The front of his crumpled sweater is creased and wrinkled even when Feril let's go, and Jaskier puts a hand to flatten the crease; just before another punch to the side of his face slams him down the ground. He feels a bruise forming at his temple already when the front of Ferils shined dress shoes meet his ribs.

He yells out, tears falling down his cheeks. 

"why can't you ever fucking know when to stop talking?" Feril yells, "why can't you ever shut the fuck up!"

"im sorry!" Jaskier wheezes, putting his arms up in front of his face, surely expecting another kick, or a hit.

But it doesn't come, and he finally let's his gaurd down when he heads Feril angry footsteps leaving.

He doesn't get up immediately, hand slowly going under his sweater and up to his ribs, wincing immediately when he touches them. 

Ouch. 

He slowly rises from the floor after what felt like an hour, tears still in his eyes. He gulps, leaning against the wall. He trembles as he makes his way to the bathroom, closing the door behind him and locking it for safe measure.

He takes off his sweater and shivers when cool air hits his chest. He looks at himself in the mirror and cringes when he sees his noise had started bleeding, but didn't look fractured or crooked, just bruised. He could already tell the bruise on the side of his head was going to be ugly and bright, blue and then yellow-ish, that was always how it went.

His eyes immediately flickered to his ribs after he had looked at his face, and he knew he had to go to the hospital, or just look after it real good by himself. He wasnt exactly the best medical genius, but he was sure ice could help a little with the bruise and pain. If he was lucky, it would just be a bruised rib.

He really didn't want to go to the hospital, or Triss. 

It would be a hassle. 

"baby?" He hears Feril say outside the door, "fuck, are you okay?"

Jaskiers hands tremble and he stays silent for a while, before unlocking the door and letting him in. 

"hey.." he murmers, as Feril steps close, inching away from him.

"shit." Feril frowns immediately, reaching out to Jaskiers ribs, brushing his hands over the bruise.

"it's fine." he lies, grabbing a couple tissues and cleaning up the blood running down his nose.

"I'm so sorry." ferils hand goes to his face and Jaskier closes his eyes when the man cups his cheek.

"it's okay."

It has to be. Even if he wasn't. 

* * *

When Geralt had arrived home after seeing roach and taking her out for a ride, he hadn't expected to see Yennefer and Ciri waiting for him at the door.

"she doesn't have a key to get in" Yenn answers, "and didnt want to stay at my place with tissaia there. She annoys her, apparently"

"she's always picking at the things I do. Oh, Cirilla, your hair is too long, oh Cirilla, when are you going to get into some real hobbies!" Ciri throws her arms in the air, and Geralt laughs, ruffling her hair.

"okay." Geralt answers, taking out his key and opening the door, he looks at Yennefer awkwardly. "want to come in for some tea?"

"hm, sure" She answers, "don't expect me to lay in my back for you though, I'm in a relationship with Tissaia at the moment"

"wasn't going to ask you to" Geralt rolls his eyes, walking into the apartment as Ciri rushes to her room. "you and Tissaia?"

"I finally asked her out" Yennefer says smugly. "anyways, Cirilla missed you. Said you asked her to spend the week with me?"

"I needed some time alone" Geralt shrugs, "but things got too silent for my liking."

"sometimes the quiet can be worse than whatevers bothering you. Everyone needs someone" She hums, watching as Geralt turns on the kettle and takes out to cups; continuing to pop in a teabag in each of them and some sugar. "what was bothering you?"

"guilt." Geralt answers bluntly.

"over me or your new boy toy?"

"hm, both, but mostly over Jaskier" he scans his eyes over her face for a reaction.

"so you're moving on, I'm proud" she smirks, "I hope you've apologised by now"

"I have. Today, actually" He turns his head back to the kettle when it clicks, and he pours the steaming water in the cups, and stirs before squeezing the tea bags and throwing them away into the bin.

"I assume it went well" it isnt a question, Yennefer has her way of reading people.

"it went better than I expected it too. Him and I aren't exactly back together but we're.. Better now"

"how cute" She says, watching the milk pour into the cups, elegantly taking her cup from Geralts hands and slowly sipping.

"hmm."

"abour last time we talked." Yennefer speaks up again, voice somewhat soft. "I'm not going to apologise, but I'm going to say I understand finally why you lied to me during our relationship"

"why do you think I did?" he takes a long sip of his tea.

"you wanted to protect me. And to that I say, I need no protection, Geralt." she puts her cup down, looking at the doorway as Ciri stands there.

"you two finally sorting things out?" she chuckles.

"yeah, somewhat." Geralt smiles at her, "you hungry?"

"nah, just wanted some water" Ciri answers, grabbing a glass and filling it with water.

There's silence in the room for a moment before Cirilla huffs and crosses her arms at the two. 

"Christmas, let's talk about it" she decides, "it's soon, and I don't know who I'm spending it with"

"I mean, I don't see why not both of us?" Geralt suggests, "one day with me, one day with Yenn."

"yeah, that sounds ideal" Yennefer nods in agreement.

"Is Tissaia going to be with us?" Ciri pouts.

Yennefer laughs, and pats Ciris shoulder. "i'll tell her to be nice to you, little lion"

"this is insanely awkward" Ciri looks at the two of them, "I think you should go home before the awkwardness breaks dad"

"I will not break because of the—"

"you're right" Yennefer teases, "he'll malfunction from this much socialisation in one day"

"thats-"

"I should be on my way" Yennefer chuckles as Ciri giggles, the coucilwoman stands. "thank you for the tea, Geralt."

"don't come back" he huffs lightly. 

"yeah, yeah, I know you love me" she smirks, "goodbye, Ciri."

"bye, mum" Ciri smiles at Yennefer, as the woman shows herself out.

Geralt and Ciri meet eyes before Ciris eyes widen. 

"no" She says to him, putting a hand out.

He grins, and suddenly grabs her, picking her up.

"I can walk by myself!" she protests,

"you used to love me picking you up when toy were a kid!" He comments, bringing her to her room and putting her down on her bed.

"m not a baby!" she continues.

"sure." Geralt huffs, smiling. "I love you. Get some sleep."

"okay." she mumbles, "I love you too"

Geralt leaves her room, and walks into his room, finding himself...happy, euphoric at best. Today was better than ever, and he felt great.

Perhaps his feelings would transfer over to his dreams, he prayed. He could use a good night's sleep to wrap together this day. Blessed he was, because his dream had felt nothing but fluffy, warm and loving. He was with Vesemir, Lambert and Eskel. Jaskier, Yenn and Ciri were there too. They made him feel.. At home. 

Perhaps home didn't have to be a place. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaskier, Triss, Ciri, Yenn and Geralt all go out as a group, they celebrate first snow, and have fun. Till Jaskier doesn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW in this chapter for being drugged and graphic dubious consent/non-con
> 
> im not going to have every character sing their songs, but if I did, this would be their list
> 
> Yennefer - raise hell by Dorothy, you should see me in a crown by Billie eilish
> 
> Triss - can't look away by Seafret, chosen one by Valley of wolves
> 
> Ciri - young god by Halsey, Lions inside by Valley of wolves
> 
> Geralt - gladiator by Zayde Wolf, worst in me by unlike pluto
> 
> Jaskier - 8TEEN by Khalid, sign of the Times by Harry styles
> 
> Enjoy :)

It had been two days since the apology, and Jaskier had found himself inside Ferils house since. He was growing bored with every second and had the urge to go out, have fun, do whatever. Just be anywhere but here, he swore that if stayed inside for another day he'd go insane.

"feril" he murmers, slowly moving his boyfriends arms off of his waist. "not now, really"

"you never—" Feril looks mad, and Jaskier puts his head down, but Feril just.. Stops. "okay, I'm sorry" he says instead, face softening. "what's wrong?"

"Im going to go out." He sighs, standing and making his way to the closet and opening it, slowly finding some clothes.

"where?"

".. I don't know yet" Jaskier glances back at him, "it's still cold out right? Can I borrow one of your hoodies?"

"yeah. yeah, you can" Feril nods, "do you want me with you? Want any cash?"

"some cash would be nice." Jaskier smiles at him, grabbing one of Ferils hoodies, and slipping it on with some jeans.

Feril grabs his wallet, taking out some cash and handing it to the singer. "come back before 7 okay?"

"a curfew, really?" Jaskier raises an eyebrow.

Feril doesn't answer, and Jaskier doesnt really care. He walks into the bathroom, and does a double take in the mirror. He had forgotten about the bruises on his face. His hand slowly reaches up and traces over them.

He shakes his head, combs down his hair and leaves the washroom; grabbing his makeup bag he had from a while ago. He did his best to cover up the bruises on his face, making sure to make it look as natural as possible. Of course, he wasn't a genius with make up.

"do you even need to put that on?" Feril hissed from his place on the bed, glaring at the make up in his hands. 

"i- what would my friends think, Feril? What would I tell them if I didn't wear this?" he glared back, "that my boyfriend—"

"do you think your friends really even care?" Feril scoffs, "they would have done something" 

"i-" He looks away, as Feril moves over and sits next to him on the bed. His hands meet Jaskiers shoulders firmly.

"why do you think they haven't done anything, Jaskier?" Feril tells him, "because you deserve it. They know I'm teaching you well deserved lessons."

"I don't.. understand.." 

"no one would ever want you but me. I'm fixing you, every time I hurt you, Im fixing you. And you know what, baby?" Feril leans close, "you're learning. You're making me proud, you're making them proud"

Jaskier smiles slightly. "really..?"

Feril nods, kissing Jaskiers temples. "I love you. I'm only doing what's for the best" 

Jaskier doesn't reply just nodding, seemingly convinced, and continuing to apply the cover up. Feril stands and leaves the room, and Jaskier shakingly let's out a small sob. 

"right." He shakes his head, "okay, uh, okay." 

He takes out his phone, immediately texting Triss. 

_[J] you have the day off right? _

_[T] yeah, I'm doing winter festival shopping for the shop and for our apartment. _

_[J] do you want to go out with me? _

_[J] I'm going to invite Geralt and his daughter_

_[T] I don't see why not. Where should we meet? _

_[J] Town shopping Square? _

_[T] okay, time? _

_[J] as soon as possible? _

_[T] I'm going to need an hour to bring back all of my shopping back home. _

_[J] okay. So in an hours time? _

_[T] yeah._

_[J] see you there_

Jaskier hums to himself, smiling slightly before slipping on his shoes and leaving the house, calling an uber and making his way across town, to Geralts house. He knocks on the door a couple times, nervously. 

"Jaskier?" Geralt opens the door in sweatpants, and Jaskier realises he's just woken up. 

"Geralt of Rivia, it is one pm, how under the good sun have you just woken up? Get dressed. We're going out. Get that child of yours dressed as well" He demands, smirking. 

Geralt squints but nods, "come in" he tiredly pulls back and let's Jaskier come in, "Ciri!" he exclaims, "get dressed, we're going out!" 

"okay!" Ciri yells back from her room, and Jaskier grins. 

"'I'll wait here till you both are dressed, okay?" Jaskier crosses his arms as Geralt nods again grumpily before walking into his room and getting changed. 

When the mercenary walks out again, he's dressed In what Jaskier would call Biker aesthetic, practically full leather. It doesn't take long for Ciri to follow, wearing something comfy and soft. It left quite the contrast between the father and daughter duo. 

"what's the occasion?" Geralt glances at Ciri before looking back at Jaskier. 

"I wanted to go out" He shrugs, "I didn't want to stay home any longer. Plus, it's time to celebrate first snow"

"first snow was last week, Jaskier" Ciri speaks up, "we celebrated at school with a potluck. Dad made pie for me to bring"

"well.. I didn't celebrate it, so.. Im changing the date for us."

Geralt chuckles lightly and Jaskier smiles at the smile on the witchers face.

"how are you guys going to celebrate Christmas And Winter festival this year?" Jaskier askes as they walk out of the apartment.

"well, I've made plans to go to Kaer Morhen with Cirilla." Geralt looks down at her, "after Christmas. Since she's spending Christmas with Yennefer"

"cool, cool" He nods, "i don't know what I'm going to do, Feril might have something planned but we havent talked much about it."

Geralt looks away and glares into the ground at the mention of Feril, and Jaskier decides to change the subject.

"I told Triss we're going to meet her at the town shopping Square" Jaskier takes out his phone, "we have twenty minutes to get there"

"I can drive." Geralt takes his keys out of his pocket.

"oh, okay" Jaskier grins excitedly, "I just realised I haven't ever seen your car. You mostly walked over to my place"

"it's nothing too fancy." Geralt rolls his eyes, and walks to a car nearby. He clicks a red button on his keys and the car doors unlock.

Ciri gets in the back casually, leaving the passenger seat for Jaskier. The singer shuffles inside, putting on his seat belt tensely.

"relax" Ciri tells him as Geralt sits down. "what's got you all worked up?"

Jaskier looks at her through the rear view mirror and smiles at her awkwardly. "its been a while since geralt and I hung out"

"yeah, you guys broke up, or something like that, right?" She hums, "but it's all better now. You guys are friends. Chill"

Geralt huffs, as he starts driving. "Ciri, leave him be"

"the Princess does have a point, Witcher" Jaskier chuckles, "im acting like we didn't talk things out."

"witcher? That's a new one" Ciri pipes up again.

Geralts eyes widen slightly, to a normal person it would have looked stoic still, but Jaskier had learnt Geralts little ticks, "it's just a nickname."

Jaskier sweats, he had forgotten Ciri didn't know about Geralts job, that his nickname was the witcher and how he was hired to kill him.

"yeah, I just.. Call him that" he tries.

Ciri raises an eyebrow unconvinced, "don't make me search it up"

"it's what I call him in bed" Jaskier rushes out, lying slickly, besides the red that spreads around his face and how Geralts ears turn pinkish.

"oh" Ciri cringes, "ewww"

Jaskier puts his head in his hands, before chuckling. The chuckling slowly evolves to slight laughter, tears glistening at his eyes. "that was funny"

Geralt looks over at him, at a red light, furroeijg his eyebrows, "really? Your sense of humor is still dead"

"oh har-har, Geralt" he pokes the larger man, "like you didn't laugh at some Facebook meme _after _i had to explain it to you"

Ciri laughs at that, and Geralt grumbles before continuing to drive. The car is filled with chatter when they make it to the shopping square. Geralt has to find a place to park first, so it takes an extra couple of minutes for them to meet up with Triss.

Yennefer is with her, and suddenly Jaskier is bitter and glaring towards her.

"who invited her?" Jaskier snaps, crossing his arms defensively. 

"I did" Triss shrugs, "I haven't hung out with her in forever."

"now, now, song bird, no worries. I'm not going to spoil your fun" Yennefer grins, "Im going to make this day even more fun!"

"I doubt that" he murmers sourly. "I was thinking we could eat first, then we could go to this karaoke bar I went to, like once"

"sounds like a plan" Triss nods, hands on her hips. "what do you guys want to eat?"

"burritos!" Ciri exclaims, and Geralt pats her head.

"calm down, lion cub. You had burritos two days ago. How about seafood?" Geralt tries.

"okay, let's vote. Sea food or burritos?" Jaskier looks at the group.

"I was thinking this chicken place?" Yennefer shrugs, "I guess you and Triss are going to have to vote."

"I'm feeling chicken" Triss says, titling her head.

"uhmm.." Jaskier nervously looks at everyone again. "Im actually trying out this vegan thing, so burritos? I can get one without meat, so it's a bit more convenient, cause burrito places usually have vegan options." 

It was a lie, he just wanted to please Ciri.

"hm, guess we have no other choice then" Geralt pats Jaskiers shoulder, a glint in his eyes that tells the singer Geralt knew exactly that he lied.

Ciri cheers and runs ahead, Jaskier grins at the girl and the group begins to follow. The singer rubs his hands together, blowing into them as the cold begins to get to him. 

They make it to the burrito place, its around the second entry to the square and as soon as they step in, there's a wave of warmth hitting each of them. Jaskier watches everyone else make their orders, choosing out their meats, veggies and rice's, and drinks to go with. 

True to his words, despite them being a lie, he did get a vegan option, a vegan replacement for the meat. And they all sit together at a booth, and Jaskier adores how there's barely a moment of silence, Ciri was teasing Yennefer, Triss and Geralt were murmerimg to each other quietly and The singer found himself joining in on Ciris teasing. How could he pass up a chance to bully Yennefer?

"the goth aesthetic is nice, are you stuck in 2002?" He smirks at her, watching her glare back at him playfully.

"oof," Ciri murmers, "one point to Jaskier"

"you could use the vegan diet" Yennefer puts her chin in her hand, "you letting yourself go?"

"damn" Ciri snaps her fingers, "one point to Mum"

They go at each others for a while, there's no actual heat behind their words, and in the end Jaskier finds himself laughing with the council woman rather than fighting with her.

"the flying squirell one was good" Yennefer grins, and Jaskier nods, also laughing.

"the hair one was perfect" He complimented, grinning.

"you make it work" She settles down, reaching over and patting Jaskiers arm.

"you damn well know I do" He runs his fingers through his hair, smirking.

Geralt clears his throat, a smile played on his lips despite his gruff tone, "you two done?"

"oh, uh, yeah" Jaskier nods, "how long have we been sitting here?"

"like an hour. We finished our food 23 minutes ago" Ciri clarifies, "am I going to be allowed in the karaoke bar?"

"oh shit, I forgot your like, 14"

"im 15" Ciri corrects, pouting.

"I'm sure they will let you In" Jaskier stretches as they all stand. "last time I went.." he frowns, recalling the first time he had went there. There wasn't exactly good memories there. "I think I remember them asking if we needed a child lanyard" 

The group sets off to the karaoke bar, Jaskier notices how Geralt takes Cirillas hand in his and he gives her a look.

They get inside, and Jaskier takes out the cash Feril had given him.

"four adult and one child" He tells the lady at the desk, she looked behind Jaskier and at the group.

"no alcohol will be brought to you if you have a child with you" She tells him, tapping on the screen, "but we can provide beverages that aren't alcohol. If any one of you are the child's parent then you can get a bottle of alcohol with assurance that the child won't be drinking."

"I'm her father" Geralt speaks up, "trust me, she won't even take a sip"

The woman stares at Geralt for a while before nodding. "okay, what drinks do you want sent to your room?"

"just some soda, and some beer?" Jaskier answers, "can we have any room that isn't 25?"

"25 and 27 are clear. Every other one is being rented or has a reservation"

Jaskier sweats, "how much is 27?"

"its larger than 25, so 78 crowns more expensive"

"what's wrong with 25?" Triss speaks up, raising an eyebrow. 

Jaskiers throat clogs, and tightens, 

"its no problem," Geralt steps forward, getting the hint, taking out some cash and adding it to Jaskiers cash. "we'll take 27."

"okay." the woman says awkwardly, leaning down and grabbing five lanyards, giving the child one to Ciri.

"you okay?" Geralt whispers to Jaskier, concern written on Jaskiers face.

"yeah, uh, just.. Some bad memories here. But I don't want to let that ruin our fun. The person I came with ruined it. Not the place. So this should be good." Jaskier answers uneasily.

"I'm here for you. Just say the word and I'll get you out of here" Geralt tells him softly, and Jaskier nods.

They enter room 27 by scanning each of their lanyards at the door, and they settle on the sofas. 

"I put dibs on going first!" Yennefer exclaims, "oh, I just know what I'm going to sing"

Yennefer grabs the remote to the karaoke machine and searches up a song, before clicking on it.

"Raise hell?" Jaskier says, "hm, the witch is fulfilling her roll"

"I am not a witch, song bird. I'm the devil" Yennefer smirks as the song begins to play.

They take turns singing, and Geralt makes sure Ciri doesn't touch the beer that the service delivers. Jaskier Takes one too many beers, slowly getting tipsy, especially when he's singing, his words coming out a bit slurred and slower than usual.

"Jaskier" Geralt chuckles as Jaskier sits down next to him, cheeks red after singing passionately and red from the alcohol as well, he's sure. "lay off the beer. Have some water"

Jaskier grins, "im fine!" He exclaims, as Yennefer gets up to sing her second song.

"you don't sound fine"

Jaskier gasps dramatically, "did you just call. My singing bad?"

"hm," Geralt hums, "how are you going get home?"

"I was hoping you would take me, or—" he hiccups, "or I could stay over"

Geralts eyes soften, rushing his fingers through Jaskiers hair as the singer leans closer to him. 

"I'll take you home"

Jaskier nods, "i want to kiss you" he blurts out.

Geralt stares at him for a moment, cheeks reddening, before his eyes snap to Ciri who reaches over for a bottle of beer.

"Ciri." He scolds, slapping her hand lightly.

She pouts, and draws her hand away, watching Yennefer again. 

He looks back over at Jaskier just for the singer to smash his lips together with his. Geralt vaguely hears Triss wolf whistle, but the world fades away as he focuses on Jaskier, on Jaskiers lips, on Jaskier as a whole.

But, Jaskier was drunk. 

He didn't actually want this. Even if he did, Jaskier said he wasn't ready.

He slowly pushes Jaskier away gently. "hey, we're just friends for now, okay?" He tells him, "you have a boyfriend."

"fuck him" Jaskier huffs, before looking guilty. "fuck" he puts his hands over his face.

"it's okay" Geralt pats his shoulder.

"no, it isn't geralt." He sighs, leaning his shoulder against the mercenaries. "what's the time?"

"half Seven" Ciri tells him, and Geralt can practically smell the panic that floods his veins as he pulls his phone out.

"holy crap, I'm in so much trouble. I needed to be home thirty minutes ago"

"we've barely been here an hour" Yennefer says, gripping the microphone gently, the song she was singing playing in the background.

"I know but I said I was going to be home by seven" Jaskier stands up, grabbing his denim jacket he had dismissed once he started drinking. "shit"

"Jaskier" Triss says, "you're panicking over nothing. It's just been thirty minutes. I'm sure it's okay"

"He's going to be pissed" Jaskiers eyes widen, breath picking up, sudden hyperventilation beginning.

Suddenly Geralt sees himself as Jaskier begins to struggle breathing. Remembering how he had a panic attack all alone, how suffocating it felt, how helpless he felt. 

He wouldn't let that happen to Jaskier. 

He grips Jaskier gently. "hey, you're okay."

Jaskier shakes his head, hand going up to his face, around his temple and cheek. "he's going to kill me"

"look, I'll drive you home right now. Yenn, you can take Ciri home for me, right?" He assures, looking up at the council woman.

"I don't have your key" she tilts her head as Geralt passes her the key to his apartment. "oh, then, yeah, I can."

"okay, thanks" He looks back at Jaskier. "breath with me"

Jaskier leans his head against Geralts shoulder, closing his eyes before catching his breath and steading himself. 

"I'm so sorry, guys. I ruined everything." he pulls away from the mercenary. 

"the fuck? No you didn't" Triss punches Jaskiers shoulder gently, playfully, yet Jaskier still flinched and it sparks some sort of feeling in geralt. "today was still fun. Thanks to you."

Jaskier slowly nods, smiling at Triss. "okay, um, let's go." he meets golden eyes.

Geralt nods, and they leave the karoake bar and the shopping square, heading to Geralt car quickly. There isn't much traffic and the only thing that really hold them up is some red lights, but with Jaskiers directions, Geralt drives towards Jaskiers boyfriends house. 

It's at a red light that he glances over at the panicking man in the passangers seat, and the lighting allows him to see make up on Jaskiers face. It's caked on heavily, and Geralt already can tell Jaskier tried to even out the colour by adding some blush, but it didn't work too well.

"why are you wearing make up?" He askes, but he feels like he already knows the answer.

Jaskier is quiet for a long time, before sighing heavily, shoulders deflating. Exhausted. Geralt just wants to hug him and keep him safe, release all that tension in his shoulders.

"I.." Jaskier bitterly laughs, but it sounds like a sob. "you already know. Why are you making me say it?"

"because admitting it happened is one step closer to seeing this guy isn't good for you" Geralt grips the steering wheel tightly, taking a right turn into another lane as the red light switches.

Jaskier clenches his jaw. "what do you want me to say? He beat me for talking back? Because that's what happened, Geralt. He punched me. Then did it again. And then kicked me a whole lot. So yeah, witcher, I got fucking beat because I don't know how to hold my tongue"

"it's not your fault" Geralt frowns.

"it sure felt like it was." he murmers, "if I just shut the fuck up for once. If I just.."

"it's never anyone's fault for being abused"

"don't fucking call it that." Jaskier spits, "im not a victim. I'm not being abused"

"Jaskier.."

There's a moment of silence again, before Jaskier speaks up. "I'm sorry."

"don't be"

"i yelled for no reason"

"you yelled because you were mad. It's okay." Geralt rolls his eyes, "it's not like I took offence. You were letting out your emotions"

"Geralt..?" Jaskier bites his lip, "do you think I deserved it?"

"what?" Geralt furrows his eyebrows.

Jaskier grips his body tightly. "nevermind".

Geralt doesn't have time to say anything else as Jaskier tells him to stop. He stops infront of a modern house, it's large and screams rich privilege. The singer looks at Geralt. "thanks for driving me"

"hm." Geralt sighs, "text me when you can, okay?"

"of course"

Jaskier puts a grin on, just for Geralt, and it reaches his eyes. Before he gets out and Geralt sees it completely drops, as he steps towards the house. Worry is itching at his skin, but he couldn't do anything unless Jaskier was willing to help himself and let him help him.

* * *

Jaskier is quiet and tense as he enters the house, taking his shoes off at the door before he stumbles into the kitchen to get a cup of water to fight off the hang over in the morning. He enters the kitchen quietly, turning on the lights and going to the fridge. He takes out a bottle of water and practically chugs it. 

"you're late."

Jaskier jumps, quickly putting the water bottle back.

"and you reek of beer." Feril comments, leaning against the doorway idly.

"I'm so sorry" Jaskier begins.

"shut the fuck up. I'm talking." Feril growls, and Jaskier snaps his mouth shut.

"do you know why I told you to come before seven, Jaskier? Because I had a romantic dinner planned for us. I even hired someone to come clean up the pool. I put Rose petals around the house!" Feril huffs, "and now I look like a fool. Because you were being inconsiderate and completely disregarded my request for you to come home"

"I forgot" Jaskier mumbles.

"no, you didn't! I texted you before seven, reminded you to come home" Feril pinches the bridge of his nose. "you obviously don't care about me"

Jaskiers eyes widen. One thing he would never be called is a careless lover. "no, no, Feril," he steps forward. "I'm so sorry. We can still do everything you wanted."

"its too late, Jaskier!" He raises his voice and Jaskier flinches.

"I'll do anything to make you happy. Just tell me what it is" Jaskier pleads, grabbing ferils hands gently.

Feril doesn't say anything and Jaskier pales, before shaking his head and speaking up again.

"you know where I went today? The karaoke bar you took me on our first ever date" He speaks quickly. "do you remember what we did?"

Feril slowly looks at him. "what did we do Jaskier?"

The singer has to will himself to repeat the memories. "I sang for you. You—"

"what did I do to you?" Feril insists, stepping forward and Jaskier finds himself pinned to the kitchen island.

"you fucked me." Jaskier mutters, "you drugged me and then fucked me. You didn't care that there were security cameras in there" 

"and you wanted it, didn't you?" Feril grips Jaskiers hips, "you fucking liked it"

Jaskier swallows, he remembered how he told Feril it was okay, back then. He was so eager to please the man that he hadn't considered how he felt. He hated it.

He hated it. 

"I.." he bites his lip, as Feril leans forward and kisses his neck. "I liked it" his voice cracks.

"do you know what you can do for me, right now baby?" Feril whispers into his ear. "let me have you and I'll completely forget about how you ditched me. Like a bad boyfriend" 

Tears are building up in his eyes, and hes shaking. He nods. "okay"

"good boy" 

Feril undresses him, before stripping himself of his own clothes. He lifts Jaskier up and onto the kitchen counter, gripping him tightly. He marks the singer like he owns him, and at every hickey or bite Jaskier has to force himself to stay still.

"aren't you enjoying this?" A hand grabs at his cock, and he jolts. "you're limp."

He frowns, "no, no, you know me. I react a little late." he lies, the only time he was ever horny with Feril was within weeks of meeting him, but as he got to know the man, that stopped quickly.

"hm," Feril huffs, his eyes meet Jaskiers. "well react a little quicker"

"okay," He whispers, and closes his eyes again as Feril continues to leave marks on his body.

The least he could do was imagine Feril was Geralt. But he was sure the mercenary would be a lot more gentle. Make this a lot more enjoyable, but it felt disgusting to do that in some sort of way. 

Feril pulls Jaskier off the counter and pushes him to his knees, staring down at him with a heavy lust. 

"what are you waiting for?" He tugs at Jaskiers hair. 

Jaskier blinks, before taking Ferils cock into his mouth. Sucking and bobbing his head to the best of his ability, he was still quite tipsy and drunk, and the longer this went on, the more he felt a migraine taking form. 

Jaskier is sure Feril is near orgasm when he tightens his hold on Jaskiers hair, and the singer makes no move to pull off till Feril tugs at his hair and drags him off his cock, precum leaking from the tip and drenched in saliva. 

Feril manhandles him into a different position, back on the counter. 

He's sure he's going to be sore in the morning. 

* * *

When Geralt arrives back at his apartment, he knocks on the door because he had given his only key to Yennefer to get Ciri home. Ciri opens the door moment later, and hands him the key, before making her way back to her room.

Geralt goes to the bathroom, taking out his hair tie and stripping down from his clothes. He steps into the shower, making sure the water temperature wasn't too cold nor too hot. 

His thoughts wondered to Kaer Morhen, he hadn't visited in a while, the last time he did, he had argued with Eskel and Lambert about his nightmares, about his PTSD, how he was erratic sometimes.

Lambert didn't understand. Geralt didn't expect him to, but he didn't expect Lambert to call him weak. Pathetic.

Eskel had apologised on behalf of their brother, said Lambert felt guilty but was too stubborn to admit it. Geralt wasn't one to hold grudges, unless it was that fucker stregobor, but that was a different story.

What lambert spat at him didn't bother him at the time, he had gone through a period of disassociating and growing numb. But looking back on it, every word his brother said to him made him flinch internally, made him want to punch a wall and.. Cry.

He didn't expect lambert to understand, and maybe this winter, he should try to make him understand, just to settle things. That and, he hated when people looked down on him. 

Fuck, how he hated pity. 

He had remembered how on the battlefield, he had gotten seriously injured, it was the injury that got him discharged (honorably, he has to remind himself).

He had broken his leg, it was in a weird angular pose that shouldn't be natural. He remembers spotting out and passing out a couple times just to wake up to find out he had broken ribs that were piercing his lungs. He was sent to the closest hospital, and was operated on. Looking back on it, he was surpised there was even a standing building back then.

He had subconscious started running his hands over the surgery scar in his chest. He blinks, snapping himself out of it. 

He didn't even remember how he got that injury. 

It hurt whenever he tried to remember. 

Apparently Vesemir knew, somehow, perhaps his commander had told him. He refused to tell Geralt till he dug himself out of the pity-hole he had dug himself into.

Everyone in his life was telling him to get help. Everyone in his life was looking down on him.

He wouldn't go to a therapist or fucking whatever unless absolutely essential.

Life changing, kind of essential. 

Losing someone he loved, kind of essential. 

Hurt someone he loved, kind of essential. 

But that would never happen because Geralt kept himself underwraps, he had a tight bound on his actions, on what he did. He would never hurt anyone. Not yennefer, not Jaskier, not Ciri, not Triss. He wouldn't hurt anyone he loved in purpose. 

He wouldn't lose them either, and his life wouldn't change, so no, he wouldn't have to go to a therapist. 

He wouldnt have to. 

He didn't want to. 

He wasn't weak. He wasn't going to admit that. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Geralt breaks down. Ciri tries to help, but Geralt pushes her away. She calls his family, who put some sense in our mercenary.Cahir makes an appearance, and some things are said between him and Geralt. Meanwhile, Jaskier skips work again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not going to romantise PTSD and depression, Its ugly and its hard. I'm not going to make it easy for Geralt, and I'm not going to make it look pretty. PTSD is different for everyone, I tried to make Geralts experience based on his personality and his character, sometimes it anger, sometimes its sadness.
> 
> And I'm not going to romantise an abusive relationship, it's not going to be pretty, but Jaskier and Feril will have their moments where the storms seems to have passed, because abusive relationships aren't always physical, but sometimes mental, emotional, and sometimes things seem fine. 
> 
> I'm sorry if my portrayal of PTSD, Depression, or Abusive relationships seem off. If you have any complaints, please comment down below and I'll do my best to fix my mistakes.
> 
> Enjoy the chapter :)

He woke before sunrise, twilight at the edges of the sky, at the horzion. Geralt sat at the edge of the bed, staring at the floor quite some time, feeling odd. As if he was new to his own skin, kind of odd.

His hair fell into his sight, he hadn't bothered to tie it up before he slept nor when he had awoken. It laid on his shoulders, soft, but felt like his shoulders were supporting boulders. His hair wasn't heavy. So why did it feel heavy?

His hands shook as he gripped his bedsheets so tightly that they could tear. Hell, he gripped his fists so tightly he was afraid his knuckles would tear out of his skin.

He felt hot despite his surroundings being cold.

He felt the blood in his ears, and the dirt under his nails.

He squeezes his eyes shut tightly when he swears he sees blood on the floor. When he opens them, the blood isn't on the floor but on his hands. 

Geralt yelps, letting go of the bedsheets and staring at his hands, blinking, and then the blood wasn't there. He clenches his jaw, tears glazing over his eyes.

He had another nightmare. 

it was terrifying. 

He had killed Renfri again. Not only that, but he had also seen the eyes of young Nilfgaardian soliders, their eyes as he killed them as he was ordered to do.

They couldn't be any old than 17. Nilfgaard was known to push young boys into the battlefield, practically sending them to their deaths forcibly, and if they refused, they'd be sentanced to a life in jail as a traitor of their own country.

But the most haunting thing had to be Renfri, how she gasped lightly when he had slit her throat. She didn't deserve anything that happened to her, and she didn't deserve that either.

Stregobor had the guts to call Geralt a butcher, a monster after he had done the job he was paid to do. Hell, he didn't even get his pay in the end.

The tough thing was that he had began to regret taking the job, ready to tell Stregobor that he wouldn't be killing Renfri because she was an innocent girl. But fuck, Renfri forced his hand, forced him to use a sword against her, forced him to duel against her. She had put her blade against a innocent girls neck, marilka.

His first thought was surprise when Renfri drew a sword, he didn't even know she owned one, much less that anyone owned one nowadays besides him. 

He flinched at that thought, he still had the same sword he used to kill her. Underneath the bed, In its sheathe. He hadn't touched it in years. He uses a different one in his duel classes.

He was a monster.

Hand trembling, he reaches up to his face and his fingers touch his cheek gently. Wet.

When had he started crying?

He let's out a shuddering breath, standing and stumbling off the bed, making his way to his dresser, erratic as he opens it and practically tosses out all of his clothes, eyes scanning the bottom of the dresser. 

Where was his gun?

Right- right. He had put it in his little hole, so Ciri wouldn't find it. He quickly shoves the dresser to the side, putting his hand into the hole and taking out the pistol.

He stares at it for a minute. 

Why did he want it again?

Why?

His breath gets stuck in his throat as he grits his teeth, before throwing it across the rook and watching as it thuds against the wall before falling to the floor.

What the fuck was wrong with him right now?

He thought he was finally okay, he had apologised to Jaskier, he- he had fun yesterday, things were okay.

What wasnt he okay?

His hands were tugging at his hair, his lungs felt tight. 

"I'mokay" he murmers, "imokayimokay" he repeats over and over, everywhere he looked, there was blood.

Blood.

He closes his eyes tight, but can't keep the image of Renfris eyes out of his head, he opens his eyes again, gasping when he sees blood pooling at his feet.

"fuck fuck!" he yells, scrambling away, but the blood just follows him.

He gasps again, trying to breathe, the room feeling too suffocating, too small, too empty yet too stuffed.

"monster", whispered in his ear, he flinched violently and looks to the side, but sees no one there to have whispered it

He drops onto the floor, crawling backwards till his back makes contact with the wall. Hands shaking so much, his whole body shaking so much.

Pills, he needed his pills. Where were they?

He scrambles to his knees, shuffling slightly till his hands reach his bedside drawer, he pushes his photo frames off it, pens and his hair ties too, but no pills are found.

Why would it even be here? He last used them in the bathroom.

He gets to his feet quickly, stumbling a bit, before rushing out of his room and into the bathroom,

"dad..?" Ciris at the door, in her pajamas, hair a mess. She's just woken up.

Geralt doesn't reply, grabbing his pill bottle, and yelling out when it drops to the floor and all the pills inside it scatter.

"dad." she says more firmly, and he glances at her, before gulping and shaking his head.

"fuck– Ciri-" he tenses, looking at the tiled floor, where his pills lay. "g.. Go back to bed"

"no way. You don't look okay" she frowns, stepping forward, but stops an arms length away from Geralt. "you never cry, what's wrong? Did something happen?"

"no, fuck, no" he ignores her, head in hands again, before he pushes past her, unintentionally roughly, But Ciri doesn't look phased.

Geralt feels like his whole world is crumbling around him, Ciri couldn't see him like this, no one could, he rushes to his room again. Ciri follows him confidently.

"Dad" She tries, "Geralt" she grabs his arm, and he looks back at her, eyes wide and searching.

Geralts nerves almost calm down, fuck, hes so close, but then Ciris eyes turn into Renfris, her face morphing to Renfris. He snarls, pulling his arm away from her grasp,

"I didn't want to" he mutters, still looking at Ciri— Renfri. "I'm sorry I killed you"

"geralt..?" Renfri whispers, and Geralt flinches at his own name.

"Fuck!" He yells, "im said I'm fucking sorry! What else do you want? Why do you still haunt me?!"

Renfri bites her lip, and takes a step back. "dad this isn't you.."

Geralt falls to his knees, sobbing, anger fueling his cries and sadness brewing them. He bends over himself, forehead touching the floor, and hands in his hair as he sobs.

He hears footsteps leading away, Renfri must have left, just as everyone did. 

Everyone always left.

He didn't blame them. He was a monster. 

Cruel. 

Merciless. 

Blood on his hands. 

A gentle touch on his shoulder makes him growl, and he gets ready to scramble away when a phone is pressed to his ear and—

"boy, listen to me" Vesemirs voice, clear as day, as if he was here. "you're okay"

"no- no I'm not. I'm—"

"Geralt." Its Eskel, "Calm, you're not okay, but that's okay. We're here for you. Even lambert."

"even me" Lambert says, voice gruff, and Geralt realises it's probably still dark there.

"I can't" He sobs, "she- she haunts me. Her blood, her eyes, I- I killed her. I killed so many people"

"you did what you had to" Lambert sighs, "this outburst—"

"its not an outburst" Eskel huffs, and Geralt can imagine him snatching the phone away from Lambert. "its okay to be guilty. Its okay to feel like this. What you need to do is calm down because it isn't helping. It's scaring Cirilla, it's hurting you"

Geralt breathes in, "but—

"son," Vesemir starts, "we're here for ya'. I know I'm hard on you, but I would never let you be alone when you're like this. Breathe. Focus. Use your senses."

"I.." he closes his eyes, "I can smell Ciris candle. Its apple, and pine. I can hear you. I.. I can feel my tears."

"good" Vesemir mutters, "you'll be okay. Just take today easy"

"I want it to stop" he can't help his broken voice, how there's a sob threatening to burst. "I want the nightmares, the whispers, the visions to stop"

"time will heal all wounds, Geralt" Eskel mutters, "just take your time."

"or, you could find away to release it all" Lambert suggests, "a hobby, or exercise"

"it's PTSD, Lambert" He hears Eskel scoff, "it's not anger, it's not something you can work off"

"maybe you can, smart ass!" Lambert huffs, and Geralt snorts a laugh.

"there we are." Vesemir comments. "its late, Geralt, but we can stay with you through this..smart phone thing, If you need us too"

"I don't want to be a bother" he sighs, voice surprisingly soft. "I think I'm..ok for now. You guys need to sleep" he looks up, finally, and sees Ciri was sitting across from him, legs crossed, patiently.

"Lambert and Eskel practically ran out of their rooms when they heard you were calling." Vesemir says, "we..when are you going to visit?"

He doesn't say it, but Geralt hears it loud and clear, 

_We miss you._

He smiles, lolling his head to his side, opening his arm to the side slightly and Ciri gets the sign, and slides into the space, cuddling him closely.

" me and Ciri are coming after Christmas, she's hesitant about Kaer Morhen about that time of year." He explains, tucking her hair behind her ear as she looks up at him, worry in her eyes.

He slowly kisses her forehead, as Vesemir replies,

"she has nothing to worry about"

"she's only been on the ranch once, old man. And that was five years ago, and if I remember correctly, she got chased by a—"

"a stray dog"

"a wolf" He corrects, "she was lucky Coen was there with her."

"yeah well, next time you'll make sure she won't go too close near the forest acre" Vesemir huffs, "she still needs to see the ruins in the valley of Kaer Morhen."

"that old place?" He huffs, "didn't you say you were going to fix it up to be at least habitable?"

"I am! Give it another year and we can move in, but the ranch will still be home" Vesemir explains, "but having a bigger place is nice."

"I'm sure." he sighs, "but, yeah, we're coming after Christmas. You'll see how my princess has grown so tall now. A great warrior she is, you should see her in her self defense classes"

Ciri giggles and hides her face in his side, out of embarrassment, Geralt can see how her ears are red.

"aye, now?" Vesemir chuckles, "Lambert, you have a competitor, little Cirilla is going to grow up and beat you in a sparring match one day"

Theres quiet for a moment, before Vesemir speaks again.

"now, I have to go back to bed, I have an early morning. But, I'm here for you, son, okay?"

"yeah." his chest feels heavy, "okay."

"good." Vesemir snits, "bye, boy"

"bye"

He passes Cirillas phone back to her gently, eyes slightly puffy and red from crying, but he smiles at her and wipes them.

"I'm okay" He murmers to her.

"okay" She doesn't press. "I love you"

"I love you too" he puts his nose to her hair, keeping her close.

They sit like that for a while, just in the hallway, before Geralt sees Ciris asleep again, in his arms. He smiles slightly, and gently scoops his arm under her knees, and a hand on her back; carrying her. He slowly takes her back to her room, and settles her onto her bed.

Tired. He felt exhausted.

Coffee would be nice.

He looked at the time, and saw it was just near seven a.m. Merigold opened in thirty minutes.

He sighed to himself, walking into his room awkwardly and grimacing at the mess he's made. He slowly picks up the gun, and stares at it for a good moment. He slowly puts it away somewhere safe, before moving the dresser back to its original place, and cleans up the frames on the floor.

His fingers twitched slightly as he grabbed a hair tie and tied up his hair, dressing in something comfy and casual, colour scheme black with silver accents, simple.

He looked like he just got out of bed, but he didn't really care. He just wanted to pop in for coffee, before popping back out.

Maybe talk to Triss and Jaskier a little. 

Nothing too important. 

By the time he actually gets to Merigold, it's ten minutes after opening time. There's a small line, but not many people staying to have their coffee or pastries inside. 

It's newly decorated, a Christmas tree in the corner, Christmas lights on the ceiling, little things here and there that really bring the place together. There's a new chalkboard on the wall, and there's a drawing of a snowman next to a calender, and Geralt sees there's a lot of events happening in the coffee shop leading up to Christmas. For example, gig night, people get to go to Jaskiers usual stool and do their little gigs.

He walks up to the counter, and Triss is already holding his black coffee, he takes it and hands her the cash. 

She looks worried, her hair isn't kept like it usually is, and there's some dark circles underneath her eyes.

"what's wrong?" he askes, furrowing his eyebrows.

"he didnt come into work today" she frowns, "Jaskier, he- he didn't even reply to my texts

A feeling twists in Geralts stomach, "he was terrified yesterday when I drove him home"

Triss closes her eyes, "what if, what if that bastard went too far? What if Jaskier is really hurt?"

"I'm sure he's okay." Geralt tries, but he doesn't even sound convinced himself.

There's footsteps behind him, and Triss looks at the man that stands next to him.

"hes okay" The man says, calm and stoic.

There's silence for a bit before the man blinks and clears his throat, "im a friend, of Jaskiers. Cahir."

"and how do you know that's he's okay?" Triss interrogates.

"he called me last night. Told me to tell you he wasn't coming into work for the next couple days"

Triss groans, "that little fucker had me so concerned." she pinches the bridge of her nose, "I am this close to firing him"

Cahir. Where had geralt heard that name before?

He shakes his head, clenching his jaw. "do I know you?"

Cahir looks at him, eyes pericing into his soul, there's a smirk at the corner of his mouth. "I sure hope you do, Butcher of Blaviken."

Geralt feels a chill on his blood at the title, before he clenches his fists and growls. "do _not_ call me that"

Cahir hums, "Nilfgaard cafe sends their love. As much as I am a friend of Jaskiers, the fool is.. Unique, I would have to kill him if he doesn't keep quiet" 

"what..?" Triss squints. 

"you aren't the only mercenary around here." Cahir glares at Geralt slightly, before closing his eyes and smiling again. "tell Jaskier to keep quiet about whatever he knows, regarding Nilfgaard cafe, and he'll live to see another day. My employer would rather keep her body count low." 

"what?" Geralt steps forward, making himself look as intimidating as possible, puffing his chest out, squaring his shoulders, using his height to his advantage. 

"I really am his friend, he's nice. And I'd like to keep it that way, so if you two want him to stay alive, this conversation will be kept between us" Cahir nods, before humming, "also, a coffee with two creamer and a sugar, please."

Triss takes a moment, before tapping down his order, and through gritted teeth she murmers, "3.99"

Cahir takes out his cash, handing it to Triss. 

It takes a moment but he gets his coffee, and Geralt is still glaring at him. When turns, ready to leave, he pats Geralts shoulder before stepping out of the cafe. 

"what the fuck has Julian gotten himself into?" Triss sighs, exhaustion lingering in her words.

"I don't know. But I do know we need to keep him safe. So.. Just tell him to keep his mouth shut about that cafe, the Nilfgaardian one. I'll look into it myself and see how big of a threat they are" Geralt huffs, taking a long sip of his coffee.

There's quiet for a moment, before Triss looks at Geralt, and she puts a hand out to his arm. "are you okay?"

Geralt swallows down the lump in his throat, "hmm."

"thats not an answer." she frowns again, "you look..more broody and depressed than normal"

Geralt scans his eyes over her and she offers him a smile.

"everything will be okay, alright?" she says, "today's going to be a long day for me. Have anything planned?"

"no. I'm going home after this. Get some more sleep in."

"lucky." she groans, "I have to work."

Geralt doesn't reply, finishing his coffee. "I have to go, but I'll be back tomorrow."

"okay, bye!" she smiles as he leaves.

He breathes into the air, seeing a cloud of air leave his mouth, rubbing his hands. It was freezing. He slowly stepped through the snow and made his way home. Tomorrow he would go to Nilfgaard cafe, see what was going on there.

But for now, he would get some sleep, despite it still being early. And pray to whatever deity he didnt get a nightmare.

* * *

Groaning, Jaskier slowly moved through the house, before making his way to the living room. He slowly sits down on the couch, wincing slightly at the pain on his rear end. He closes his eyes, sighing.

He hated this.

He hated himself for letting himself fall back into this- this whole relationship.

He shakes his head, eyeing the laptop on the coffee table before grabbing it, and logging into it. It was easier than one would think, Feril was stupid enough to not put in password security.

Snooping wasn't good, but something in him kept pushing and biting at him to keep going, to find something to hold above that fuckers head. He opened Ferils email, quickly going through the emails that were obviously business related, he didn't linger on them for too long. 

His tongue poked and rolled around the inside of his cheek, as he continued to look through everything. There wasn't much that could be called shady or suspicious, but looking at his bank transactions, there was a organisation he had transacted money towards every month, on the 21st.

It was large sums, and Jaskier clenched his jaw, it still wasn't anything solid, for all he knows Feril could be donating to some charities and he would seem like a dick for calling him out for something good. 

The only creepy thing he actually found unsettling was how obsessed Feril was with him. Multiple tabs open on articles about the Pankratz Family. One article he found ridiculous, it had read something about how two heirs, him and his older sister, had left the family name and how they've become disappointments to the Pankratz name now.

Besides the articles, Feril also had videos of him open too, he felt.. stalked. Violated of his privacy. 

The man knew everything about his life, anyone that even owns a Pankratz credit card probably did too. Jaskier has always had a camera shoved in his face, since he was just five.

It's wasn't really fair how he knew barely anything about Feril. 

He took a moment, before searching up Ferils full name, he's done so before, but never really dug into it. It was harder finding things on Feril, Jaskier found. The man didn't have much of a digital footprint. 

There was something interesting though, a article with a mugshot of his boyfriend, looking exasperated as ever. Arrested for domestic charges, drug use, and Identity theft.

He had beat his girlfriend to the brink of death, but was found not guilty due to lack of evidence and his girlfriend unable to testify, and halfway through the court case redacted her charges. He had served a year for drug use and two more for identity theft.

The sudden sound of footsteps snapped Jaskier out of reading through the article, quickly closing the laptop and shoving it back to its original place. 

Feril walks in, blinking lazily. 

"you didnt start on breakfast?"

Jaskier frowns, "I didn't..you didn't ask me to"

"do I need to tell you to do everything?" Feril huffs, "pull your weight in this relationship, Jaskier"

"I just— I'm just a bit tired from last night." he explains softly, and Feril gives him a small smile, before joining him on the couch.

"of course you are, I'm sorry." Feril sighs, looking down on the couch for a moment and blinking. He smirks, and pulls a rose petal off the couch and puts it between his teeth.

Jaskier giggles slightly, "what are you doing with that?"

Feril grins, before taking the rose petal out and letting it fall to the floor. "dunno, just thought it was funny"

Jaskier smiles, "well, it got a laugh out of me." he leans against Feril slightly, tense and still.

"hey, you're as stiff as a board. Calm down" Feril whispers into his ear, wrapping his arms around Jaskier.

The singer forces his shoulders to loosen, forcing his body to relax. "can we have a good day today?" He mutters to Feril, "please?"

It was when Feril took a moment to reply that he had realised his voice sounded slightly broken. 

"hm" Feril mutters, "I think it depends on how you behave"

Jaskier doesn't know how to reply to that, he doesn't even know what to think about that. It was like geralt said, no one deserved to be.. Abused, no one brings abuse upon themselves.

"I.. Okay." he decides to say instead. "want to do something today?"

Feril hand slides to his thigh, and the man hums a tune Jaskier vaguely recognises.

"we can do whatever you want," He smirks at the singer, and Jaskier nods.

"well.. I want to have ice cream and.. Swim in the pool?" he says it like its a question, as if he's waiting for permission, he doesn't even realise he's done that till Feril makes a face.

"ice cream? And go swimming? It's freeze, dummy" Feril says lightly, "we can stay inside and have some ice cream, though"

"okay, instead of swimming, we can watch something on Netflix" he tries to sound more confident.

Feril nods, standing, and leaving. Jaskier assumes he's gone to get some ice cream. He puts Netflix on the TV, and looks for a good TV show.

Feril comes back, holding two bowls stacked together with spoons inside them, and on the other hand, holding a tub of ice cream. 

"what about daredevil?" Feril sits back down, setting everything down.

"oh, no. I promised Geralt we'd finish that together." He says almost immediately, not realising what he's quite said till Feril freezes beside him.

"huh."

Jaskier puts on 'How to get away with murder' instead, blinking.

"what do you mean by, huh?" Jaskier frowns. "he's my friend."

"you can't be friends with your ex"

"yes I can..?" Jaskier furrows his eyebrows, "just because we aren't romantically involved anymore doesn't mean we still don't enjoy each others presence?"

Feril huffs, "we aren't having this conversation right now." he opens the tub if ice cream.

Jaskier grabs his spoon, and digs into the ice cream and shovels some spoonfuls into his bowl. They both lean against each other despite their slight tension, and watch silently.

It's when the second episode comes into screen that Jaskier decides he wants a little more ice-cream, so he settles his bowl next to the tub and puts some more ice cream into it.

"hey." Feril stops him by grabbing his wrist. "I think you've had enough, seriously."

"I mean.." Jaskier feels a blush rise to his cheeks from humiliation, embarrassment making his face red.

"you don't want to gain more weight." Feril grabs the lid of the tub and closes it onto it. "you let yourself go when we broke up."

"I.." he frowns, "I just wanted a little more"

"okay, and I don't want to walk down the street with someone ten times my weight." Feril crosses his arms.

"but I'm not.."

"not yet. This extra bowl of ice cream might add extra calories." He rolls his eyes, "lets see how many calories are in this thing" he turns the tub, and looks at the back.

"we don't need to do that." Jaskier sighs. "i get it. Fine."

Feril smiles slightly, "just take my word for it. This is for your own good."

Jaskier clenches his jaw, "I think.. I think I'm going to go to the bathroom."

"be back soon, these episodes move fast" Feril leans back into the couch.

Jaskier quickly leaves, making his way to the bathroom and closing the door behind him. He looks up from the floor and immediately sees himself in the mirror infront of him. He frowns, he hadn't gained weight recently right?

He lifts his shirt above his chest, and angles his head so he can see his stomach. He wouldn't say he was like a body builder or shaped like a god, but he wasn't overweight. If he looked back at the photos of him when he was living in luxury with his family, he wouldn't deny he had been a little chubby, but he had been younger and well fed.

Being homeless and running away from muggers changed that.

But perhaps he could use to lay off the extra ice cream. It wouldn't be good for his health. 

He drops his shirt back down, and bites the inside of his cheek idly. He ached slightly, from last night, and just missing one day where there wasn't an arguement, where he wasn't terrified of being hurt.

He was sure this storm would pass over.

But he can't keep thinking about the future when in the present, the storm was here and it was suffocating him, strangling the air out of his lungs. 

What would be the last string that forces him to get away from Feril?

He knew their current relationship wouldn't be a relationship that lasts long. It was like trying to sail a boat with a hole in the bottom. It wasn't going to work out. 

Maybe couples therapy would be good. 

No, no. 

They tried that last time. Feril stopped wanting to go after the therapist said he was the problem. 

Jaskier hated going because it was a one hour session of Feril just blaming everything on him, saying he was the reason he hit him. 

It never worked out well. 

He knew it was a ticking time bomb till he would have to leave him, for his own safety, for his own health. 

He was sure if that timer took too long, he would be the one to take a gun and shoot Feril between the eyes when he pushes him too far, disregards him..abuses him. 

He had read articles, books, and stories where the abuse victim kills their abuser after going insane from their trauma. 

Jaskier didn't want that to be him, but fuck, wasn't he just as bad as Feril for even thinking about it? 

Hell, he imagined it so vividly, the man's blood on the floor, His brain matter everywhere and his eyes lifeless, his body lifeless. Unable to hurt him. 

Unable to hit him. 

_Wouldnt that be nice? _

Jaskier snapped out of it, shaking his head. What was he thinking?

He turns on the sink, and splashes some water on his face. He would make it out of this. Eventually. And he would do it sane.

He was not going to let Feril win. 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaskier gets out of the house, spends the day with Geralt and goes out with him for the winter festival. They see the fireworks together.
> 
> Also, Geralt convinces Jaskier to break up with Feril. It doesn't go as smoothly as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Graphic violence, abuse and blood in this chapter.

It's _7 days till Christmas_, _1 day till winter fest, _and_ 13 days till new years._

Jaskier had planned with go with Feril for the winterfest eve firework show, but Feril had cancelled on him. He said something about work.

Of course, that left Jaskier to himself, when he had prepared so much for them together to participate in. But he wasn't surpised on the cancellation, and he wasn't too disappointed. 

It would have just turned out in shambles anyways. 

The only disappointment was that he was alone, and he didn't like that. He despised it. 

Being alone reminded him of his years back in Lettenhove, of course, he had his sisters but they never truly made him feel at home, nor made him feel accompanied. He had felt so alone in a mansion bustling with servants, maids, and his own blood. 

Perhaps much didn't change, he was just in a different house. With no servants or maids to his aid. He was still alone.

Well, he wasn't completely alone. He could text someone. 

Geralt came to mind first, and he did miss the man. 

He hums, pulling out his phone and taking a quick selfie, sending it to Geralt. 

_[Image attached]_

_[J] I'm so bored :(_

_[J] geraaaaallltttt_

_[J] riviaaaaaa_

_[J] witcheeeeerrr_

_[J] my white wolllllfff_

_[J] my Knight in not so shining armouuuurrrr_

_[G] what's wrong? _

_[J] I'm bored :/_

_[G] can't do anything about that_

_[J] are you busy today? _

_[J] it's okay if you are_

_[G] not really_

_[G] taking ciri to yennefer_

_[J] why? Have a date for winter fest? _

_[G] only if you consider it a date, then I guess it is_

_[J] ??? _

_[J] OHHH_

_[J] aight let's fuck shit up_

_[G] so that's a yes to coming to see fireworks with me? _

_[J] yesss :D_

_[G] your boyfriend going to be okay with that? _

_[J] he ditched me for work. And he doesn't control who I go out with. _

_[G] mk_

_[J] can I come over right now? _

_[G] yeah. But you might have to wait outside the door bc I'm still dropping Ciri off. _

_[J] that's fine_

_[J] I'll see you there :)_

Jaskier got up quickly, grinning. He opens the closet and grabs a sweater, shrugging it on, and quickly putting on some jeans. He grabs his comb and brushes his hair.

He smiles at himself in the mirror. 

Today was going to be good. 

Giddy, he leaves the house, carrying his guitar (in its case) over his shoulder. He hailed down a cab, and gave the driver the cash before telling them geralts address.

It's around 30 minutes later, not much traffic, that he makes it to Geralts apartment. He gets out of the cab, waiting by the door. He could tell Geralt wasn't home, his car wasn't in the driveway and the lights were out. 

Patiently waiting, he could already imagine the fireworks. He would lay his head on Geralts shoulder when the mercenary leans against him, and they would watch them light up the sky.

After a while of daydreaming, the crunching of snow makes him snap back to reality as he sees Geralt park his car in the driveway.

He gets out quickly, and Jaskier grins when he approachs. 

"Geralt of Rivia, as I live and breath" He pokes his arm gently.

"its only been a day, Jaskier" Geralt rolls his eyes.

"A day is too long not to see that handsome mug of yours" Jaskier bumps his elbow with his, as Geralt opens the apartment door and walks in. "now, pretty boy, what's the plan for today?"

Geralts ears go red, either from the nickname or from the cold. Jaskier chooses to believe its from the pet name.

"pizza. Watch that show on Netflix. Hang out." Geralt shrugs. "then fireworks and street food"

"sounds fun!" Jaskier smiles, "can we get chicken wings as a side to the pizza?"

"whatever you want" Geralt takes out his phone, "want any particular pizza?"

"uhh veggie?" Jaskier shrugs. "I'm not picky."

Geralt taps the screen a couple times, till he tucks his phone back in his pocket. "should be here in 45 minutes" He mutters.

Jaskier nods, "how much do I owe you?"

"nothing?" Geralt raises an eyebrow. "don't be stupid. We're friends. I'm not making you pay me for the pizza."

Jaskier slowly nods again, before smiling again. He sits down on Geralts couch, and Geralt sits next to him. He quickly get Netflix up and puts on _Daredevil_, snorting at how Geralt already looks invested.

"you really like this show, huh?" Jaskier murmers, looking back at the TV.

"hmm." Geralt keeps his eyes on the screen, glancing at Jaskier for a couple times but never keeping his eyes on him.

They watch till Frank Castles Trial in court, pausing the episode when there's a knock at the door and Jaskier watches as Geralt walks to open it. He returns with two pizzas, wings and a drink.

"I'll go get cups. Want any condements or anything?" Geralt puts them down on the coffee table, and Jaskier blinks.

"no, it's fine." he smiles slightly.

'_you've gained weight' _whispers into Jaskiers ears and he flinches, suddenly feeling his stomach twist and turn. He shuffles to the side slightly, away from the pizza and cringes at the thought of eating even one slice.

He had a bagel this morning, and an energy drink. But it was nearing lunch time, and he was slightly hungry. 

But slightly wasn't enough, why eat when he wasn't even that hungry?

That was a lie, he hadn't eaten after the ice cream comment yesterday, and was starving since last night. The bagel hadn't helped that much, just made him feel guilty. 

Why did he feel guilty? 

Fuck. 

Geralt comes back with the cups for the drink, holding one out for Jaskier to take, but when the singer doesn't even see that Geralts holding it out for him, seemingly stuck in his own head, he puts the cup next to the pizzas. 

"Jask?" Geralt touches his shoulder gently and narrows his eyes when Jaskier flinches slightly. 

"huh? Oh. Uh, I'm fine" he flashes Geralt a grin. 

Geralt doesn't press, he didn't want to ruin the mood, and he didn't want to push Jaskier away. He sits down, and pours Jaskier a cup of the soda, and himself. 

"let's eat." Geralt opens the pizza box on top, it's a veggie chicken mix, and he waits for Jaskier to take a slice before he takes one himself. 

Jaskier tries it hide the way he seems hesitant when he grabs a slice, and he tries to hide his face when he eats and he doesn't even know why. 

He nibbles on the pizza, doesn't even take a good bite, and watches as by the time Geralt has had two slices, he's barely finished off his first, and something bubbles in his gut, something like _pride _for not stuffing his face, and leaving more food for Geralt for once. 

When Geralt reaches for his third slice, he's dramatically aware that Jaskier hasn't even touched the wings, his drink, and has barely finished his first slice and he's confused because whenever they had food, Jaskier would always eat quickly, practically absorbing the food, and Geralt is already a slow eater so the difference is throwing him off. 

Geralt sighs, pausing the episode again, suddenly disinterested. 

"take another slice, Jaskier." He says, and Jaskier looks at him oddly. 

"I don't— I'm not too hungry" Jaskier shrugs, and does this thing with his hands that Geralt had learnt was a tick of his that gave away when he was lying. 

"you were asking me if we could get _sides," _he huffs, "you wouldn't have asked if you weren't planning on eating them. What's wrong?" 

"it's nothing." he looks embarrassed and Geralt almost feels bad for calling him out. 

"you keep saying that. You do know it's valid to be upset right?" 

"says you" Jaskier bites back harshly, and Geralts eyes widen slightly, he was surpised by the comeback. 

The mercenary frowns, he knew he wasn't the most expressive person, he knew he had problems with validating his own feelings, but somehow it was different when his friend, the person he liked, was invalidating his own feelings. It suddenly put him in his place to see what's its like for Jaskier when he dismisses himself. 

"I'm.. Sorry" Jaskier says immediately after, scanning Geralts face. 

"it's okay." his voice is too soft, even for him, he's not sure he even said it out loud. 

"it's just.." Jaskier takes a moment. "yesterday, I was eating ice cream with Feril. And I went in for seconds and he said if I ate so much, I was going to get fat." 

Geralt doesn't say anything immediately, and even if he was, Jaskier doesn't let him have the chance, instantly speaking again.

"i know I'm being stupid. He was just looking after my weight. He was just.." Jaskier brings his hand up to his hair and rushes it through it. "I just let it get to me" 

"you're not." Geralt clears his throat. "fat. Or being stupid." 

Jaskier looks at him with wary eyes. 

"you're already light on the bones," Geralt tries, "I know girls who go to the gym I go to that would diet and work out for months to get to your weight." 

"oh" 

"hmm" 

Jaskier shuffles closer to him, "really?" 

Geralt slowly relaxes his shoulders, does his best to make himself look more inviting. 

"yeah" he drags his eyes of Jaskiers body, "you're probably average weight for a man your age and height." 

Jaskier smiles tightly, "thanks, Geralt." 

They go silent for a while, which bothered Geralt. Jaskier was always trying to fill in the silence, always talkative, always cheerful, it was just how he was. So seeing him like this, small, quiet, and reserved bothered him to no ends. 

"I don't like him." the mercenary blurts out. 

"huh?"

"your boyfriend." Geralt clenches his fists, "I hate him" 

Jaskier nods slowly, "I know" he meets Geralts eyes, "I can tell. Triss doesn't like him either." 

"he's bad for you" 

"he's trying to help me" Jaskier crosses his arms, and Geralt huffs, but Jaskier talks again, "we aren't going to talk about this now. Today is going to be good. Give me those fucking wings" 

Geralt passes him the chicken wings, almost bemused at the sudden change of demeanour, but doesn't question it. He watches momentarily with amusement and fondness and Jaskier chows down on the wings as he puts on the episode again.

With Jaskier eating like normal again, the first pizza is gone and they open up the second.

It's almost a constant, till on the episode Matt, Karen and Foggy are talking about having Frank plea insanity from PTSD that caused him to murder so many people. Geralt tenses when Frank says something along the lines of 'you want me to say I'm insane? That I have PTSD or some shit-' and he suddenly feels vulnerable and can't help but to relate to the fictional character, but feels stupid for feeling like that.

It's almost comical that when Karen says 'it's normal for soldiers (...)' that Jaskier looks over at him and says-

"It's okay. It's normal" he even looks surprised at syncing with the actor. 

"what?" Geralt grits. 

"having PTSD. Nightmares. Outbursts. Soldiers, people with trauma go through it all the time" he mutters, and Geralt finds himself unable to keoe eye contact. 

"just watch the fucking show, Jaskier." he commands, and Jaskier blinks, leaning against him and silently watching the rest of the episode. 

The day passes quickly, and as the sky begins to get dark, Geralt is aware how Jaskier is leaning on him, leaving no personal space between them. It almost reminded him of how things were before the mountain, before Jaskier got back with his ex and Geralt became the ex. 

He missed this, and Geralt wouldn't find himself pushing Jaskier away for once, because in the back of his brain something was screaming in victory at the closeness, he hadn't even realised he had become so touch starved that he celebrated any slightest physical contact.

"jask'" he murmers, "it's time to go see the fireworks."

Jaskier practically jumps off him, and Geralts eyes widen as Jaskier jumps with joy.

"let's go!" Jaskier grins, clapping his hands.

Geralt snorts, turning off the TV and nodding. He grabs his keys, and Jaskier follows behind him as they leave the apartment. The mercenary doesnt even realise they've gotten so close that their hands brush together, and neither Jaskier nor him pull away. Instead, surprisingly, Jaskier takes his hand onto his.

"sorry if my palm is sweaty" Jaskier smirks, and Geralt shakes his head slightly.

They get in Geralts car, and they head towards the town river bridge. The fireworks were taking place above there. The drive is quick and short, and most of the time spent in it is trying to find a good parking spot.

When they finally do take good parking spot, Jaskier practically drags Geralt to a free spot to see the fireworks, it's not too close yet not too far, and it's perfect. More people arrive sooner than later, and the spot isn't as free as it was when they first spotted it. 

"oh! Look! They're setting up food stalls!" Jaskier points along the road, where some civilians were stomping in their stalls into the snow.

"we just ate" Geralt chuckles, squeezing Jaskiers hand.

"yeah well.. I just want to try some street food" Jaskier hums, "we can go get some after the fireworks."

"hm.." Geralt murmers, watching as on the other side of the river, the fireworks began being set up as well.

"is that..?" Jaskier looks across the river, squinting. "it's Yennefer and Ciri. With some other lady"

Geralts eyes land on where Jaskier was staring, and he was right. It was Yennefer, Ciri And Tissaia, all standing close to each other and getting ready for the fireworks.

"thats Tissaia. She's the new mayor of town. Votes came in like a week ago" Geralt explains, "she's also Yennefer's Girlfriend."

"thats cool" Jaskier smiles, "oh, shit, I hope Triss has someone to spend winter fest with."

Jaskier frowns slightly, looking around as if the coffee shop owner would just appear out of thin air.

"I'm sure she's fine." Geralt takes out his phone and goes onto twitter, "look, it says Merigold is hosting an Winterfest eve event."

He shows the post to Jaskier and the singer smiles again, nodding. He finds Jaskier leaning closer to his arm.

"that's good." he hums slightly, "im cold."

Geralt blinks, "do you want my jacket? I'm used to the cold better than probably anyone"

"no, its fine.. Just.." Jaskier slowly grabs geralts arms and wraps them around him, still facing the river "just hold me."

Geralt blushes slightly, nodding, and keeping his arms around the singer. He feels Jaskiers back against his chest and looks into the sky as the crowd around them start counting down for the fireworks.

Jaskier breathes in steadily as the first firework lights up the sky, and Geralt watches how as the first one disappears, the cheering starts and more fireworks light up the sky.

He spends the first three minutes watching the sky, before looking at Jaskier, and he can't seem to tear his eyes away from the man in his arms. How the light reflects on his face, how his eyes stare in amazement, just.. How amazing he was.

"I love you." he murmers, just as another firework goes off.

Jaskier looks over, tilting his head. "what?" he raises his voice, trying to hear him over the fireworks. "I didn't hear you!"

Geralt gives him a small smile, shaking his head, and turning to look back at the fireworks. Jaskier stares at him for a moment before doing the same.

They were happy, and content. 

* * *

It was halfway through the fireworks, that Jaskier tugged at Geralt, and the mercenary got the hint. 

"Street food?" he hums, and Jaskier grins.

"Street foooood!" the singer exclaims, nodding.

They move from their spot, their footprints imprinting into the snow, and they went stall to stall looking through the foods and items. Geralt ended up getting a corn dog, while Jaskier was still looking through what he wanted. 

He sticks by Jaskier, until the younger man finally decides what he wants, a snowcone (blueberry flavoured) and some nachos. He looks satisfied with his choice despite having spent at least 13 minutes trying to choose between the two before just getting both.

They step away from the crowd and go towards a fountain area near the river, still able to get a good view of the fireworks.

"y'know," Jaskier wipes some of the snow off a bench, and takes a seat onto it, "I haven't been this happy in a while. Thanks, Geralt."

Something warm fills Geralts heart and the mercenary tries to push down his smile but fails, and Jaskier stares at his lips for a good moment before looking back up and meeting his eyes.

"hm." Geralt looks away, and takes a bite of his corndog.

Jaskier pauses for a good moment, before sighing. "I want you." He murmers, and Geralts head snaps up to look at him. "I want you so badly It almost hurts."

Geralt doesn't know what to say. He chews on his lip awkwardly.

"I.. " Jaskier continues, "l think I finally forgive you. Like, fully."

"oh" Geralts voice is gruff, and dry, and hes surpised that his own voice sounds so quiet. "that's good?"

"of course it's good, you dolt." Jaskier puts a nacho into his mouth, chewing before swallowing. "I just, there's a lot...holding me back."

"from what?"

"from having you." Jaskier stares at the sky again.

"you mean, your boyfriend." Geralt fidgets with his hands, after taking the last bite of the corn dog.

"yeah." Jaskier admits, "I.. I don't know how I feel about him. Half of me wants to punch him in the face and leave. The other half of me is so dedicated to impressing him, making him proud, to be called.. _Good" _he cringes, "that I stay."

Geralt doesn't know why he says what he says next, but it comes out before he can even think about it. "you impress me. You make me proud. You're amazing, better than good, you're hot, you're pretty, you're just.. So good"

Jaskier blinks at that, "Geralt" he chuckles, "I appreciate that, but that's not the point."

"I.." Geralt sighs, "what I mean is. Anyone can praise you, Jaskier. Because you're already deserving of it. Why stay with someone that hurts you looking for compliments when there's people who would give you love and praise withour hurting you?"

Jaskier is quiet for a good moment, " i would break up with him, but it's easier said than done. He's really.. Intimidating."

"you've done it before, you can do it again."

"it took me a year and a whole lot of encouragement, Geralt" Jaskier chuckles, it sounds bitter and tired, and all Geralt wants to do is hug him and assure him things will be okay.

There's silence between the two of them for a while, the only noise being the cheering of crowds and the fireworks. Geralts unsure what to say, but he blurts out what comes to head first.

"aren't I enough encouragement?" He askes quietly, "being with me, having me, letting me have you. That should be encouraging."

Jaskier stays quiet, but Geralt sees his ear twitch oddly, and he continues. 

"i.. I know that's selfish of me to say. But if you can't do it for yourself. Do it for me. You said you wanted me. So do something about it."

Jaskier meets his eyes, gulping. "its not selfish. It's just what I needed." he nods slowly. "if- can I bring my stuff to your place tonight?"

"my place?"

"I'm like.. Eighty-five percent sure Triss is firing me and kicking me out. I don't blame her. I don't come home to her anymore, and I barely come into work" He explains, "she gave my shifts to Tyler and some new employee"

"you can drop your stuff with me for a little while" Geralt shrugs, "we have a small storage room you can put it in"

"thanks" Jaskier nods, "at least now I can focus on myself more, and well, without working at Merigold, I can focus more on my singing career"

"hm" Geralt nods, "we should stay for Tissaia's speech before going to get your stuff"

Jaskier nods, leaning against the mercenary and finishing his nachos and his snowcone. The fireworks come to a stop sooner than expected, and Tissaia stands at a podium at the other side of the river, reporters are surrounding her, and there's large speakers to project her voice to the crowd over at their side of the river. 

She says there's going to be some changes around town, a normal speech mayor's give, but she insists the council is going to be listening to the people more, how the town is going to be a lot more environmentally friendly. At the end of the speech, she and Yennefer kiss and the crowd cheers. Geralt can see Ciri fake gag and roll her eyes before hugging the two. His heart warms.

He and Jaskier leave the river bank and bridge, walking past the stalls and making it to Geralts car. The drive is an hour and a half from the river bank to Jaskier's boyfriends House.

"wait here." Jaskier says when they stop infront of the modern house.

Pensively, Geralt watches as Jaskier walks into the house. 

* * *

The lights where off when he entered the house, but Ferils car was in the driveway, so Jaskier stayed on his toes. He doesn't close the door, afraid of the 'click' it would make that would let Feril he was home.

He grabs his duffel bag from the side of the door, stuffing his shoes into it, before rushing into the living room, remembering he had left his sweater in there. He shoves that into the duffel bag as well, freezing when he sees Ferils phone was in here. That just confirmed that he was here.

Gulping, Jaskier walks through the house, he sees the lights in the kitchen were on, clenching his jaw, he assumes Ferils in there.

Quickly, he rushes to the bedroom, hand at the doorknob when he hears a..moan.

"what the fuck.." he whispers, before opening the door and eyes widening when he sees Feril on top of a woman, her legs wrapped around him.

"ohmygod" she squeals, "who's that?"

Ferils head snaps up, eyes wide. "fuck- fuck. Jaskier it's not what it looks like-"

"it's not what it fucking looks like?!" He yells, "it looks like your fucking someone else"

Why did he care so much? He was about to break up with the man. Why did this hurt if he was going to leave him anyways?

Fuck. 

"no! I'm not." He gets off her, quickly tucking himself back into his pants. "get out of here, lacie" He tells the woman, who quickly dresses and rushes out of the house.

"Feril, what the fuck?" he whispers, "is she the reason you didn't spend winter fest with me?"

"she's a prostitute, babe" Feril steps towards him, and his sent attacks Jaskiers nostrils. "she's nothing compared to you, don't be jealous" 

"oh god" Jaskier gags, pushing him away, "you smell like beer, like--like a whore house"

"watch your tongue" Feril grabs his arm but Jaskier wrenches his arm back to himself.

Jaskier pushes past him, rushing to the closet and shoving his clothes into the duffel bag, and then goes to the drawer. 

"why the _fuck_ are you packing your stuff?"

"because I'm leaving, Feril." He spits, "im leaving you. And I'm never coming back"

"no you're not." Feril huffs, "oh, I see. You think you're too good for me. Are you running back to your ex? I hired him to kill you. If I was you I wouldn't trust him."

"I know you hired him to kill me!" Jaskier turns on his heel, practically screaming in his face. "you're a horrible fucking person! Saying that isn't going to make me stay!"

In hindsight, he probably shouldn't have said that.

Because in the next couple moments, he was on the floor, putting his hands to his face as Feril instantly pounced onto him, pushing down blow upon blow. Hes sobbing as Feril grabs his arms, moving his hands and gets a clear hit at his face. 

"stop-" he tries, tears running down his face. 

"fucking whore" He curses at Jaskier, getting off him eventually, panting. "useless, pathetic bitch."

Jaskier groans, attempting to stand before pushing himself back at the floor when Feril throws a whole _glass bottle _above his head. He winces as some glass hits his cheek, and his hands.

Fear fills his veins as Feril steps towards him, hos whole body flinched violently as the man above him kicks him in the ribs repeatedly. 

"take it back!" He yells, "im the best thing that ever fucking happened to a whore like you!"

Jaskier closes his eyes, feeling nauseated and faint. He felt as if he was nearing death with every kick.

The air escapes his lungs at one final kick, it's especially hard and he cries out when he can feel his rib break. 

Feril grabs him, pulling him to his feet and Jaskier tries to muffle a sob at the rough treatment that jolts his injured body.

"the only time you'll leave me is if you fucking die, Jaskier." his hand comes to Jaskiers throat, squeezing tightly. "so I guess today is your lucky day."

Jaskier gasps as Feril presses him to a wall, squeezing hard enough to break at his throat, and Jaskier sees stars and his vision start to turn to black.

"let go of him!" a familiar voice yells, and Jaskier feels Ferils hands leave his throat, and he falls to the floor, gasping for breath.

He lolls his head to the side, and sees Geralt holding a gun; pointing it at Feril, and his abuser with his hands in the air.

"hey, pal." Feril stutters out, "you don't have to shoot. Put the gun down." 

Geralt slowly steps forward, and Feril steps back. Once Feril is at the wall at the other side of the room, Geralt bends down, still pointing the gun at him, and he helps Jaskier up. 

"Ger'lt.." Jaskier whimpers, "hurts."

"i know." he whispers to Jaskier, "I got you" 

Jaskier blinks slowly, "I think.. I think am' gonna p... pass out" 

"you might have a concussion. I need you to stay awake" he shakes Jaskier gently and the singer groans in pain as his ribs ache. 

Jaskier can't help it when he falls to the floor, blood dripping out of his mouth, gasping for air. His hands weakly reach up to his ribs, yelling out when he touches them. 

"fuck- fuck. I think your ribs punctured your lungs." Geralt grits his teeth, "im calling an ambulance. And the police." 

Jaskier groans as a response, and he can hear Feril argue in the background with Geralt as the world fades to a buzz. He fights to keep his eyes open. 

The next time he hears something clearly is the sirens and the yelling of paramedics and police entering the room. He's lifted into a stretcher and the world blacks out. 

He blinks his eyes open when he hears Geralt arguing to get into the ambulance with him, to be by his side but one of the paramedics insist he must be family. 

"I'm his fiance" Geralt rushes out, a desperate lie, before whispering, "please" 

Jaskier whimpers, and tries to reach out for Geralt weakly, but there's a mask placed onto his mouth, a tube rushing down his throat. 

"he wants him with him!" the paramedic tending to him yells to the one stopped Geralt and the man infront of Geralt sighs, and let's him into the ambulance.

Jaskier flinchs as the sirens on the ambulance go off, and the lady looming over him tells him he can sleep, in a gentle voice.

He closes his eyes, and falls into sleep. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Geralt visits Jaskier in the hospital, meets Jaskiers dad and sister, and then spends the rest of the day with the singer and his daughter in the hospital room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot is unpacked in this chapter!  
Sorry if the writing is a bit sloppy, I haven't eaten in two days and it's affecting my focus, so I'm more prone to make mistakes, you'll have to excuse me.
> 
> Enjoy the chapter :)

Geralt watches helplessly as Jaskier is taken from the ambulance into the hospital. 

They said something to him about immediate surgery, to treat the punctured lung. 

He can't hear the nurse informing him about what was going to happen, there's just ringing in his ears and all he can focus on is Jaskier being transferred from the stretcher to the hospital bed, before the nurses rush him down the hall.

A hand on his chest stops him, and he looks up, ready to bite at the person who's stopping him from being by Jaskiers side, but its an officer.

"I need a statement of what happened." he sighs, looking tired. "we can talk about it here, or a private room."

Geralts throat feels dry as everything comes crashing down on him. 

"yeah, uh." he clears his throat, "okay. We can talk here."

"alright." the officer takes out a notepad, and a pen, looking up at Geralt expectantly. "what happened with your fiance? And what's your name?" 

"oh- he.." he shakes his head. "he's a friend. I..lied, I needed to be by his side. And, uh, Geralt. Of Rivia." he cringes, titled names were always a tough thing with law enforcement because they need specific second names.

The officer doesn't say anything about that, just writes it down. "okay, what happened with your friend?"

"he wanted me there to help bring his stuff to my apartment." Geralt explains, "he told me to wait outside the house till he comes back"

"do you know what happened inside the house while you were waiting?"

"no," He answers shortly, "just that some girl half naked ran out, saw me and asked if I could take her home. Said something about her hookups boyfriend coming home."

"so I'm assuming she was referring to Mr Belligaurd as her hookup, and Mr Pankratz as his boyfriend?"

Geralt nods.

"alright, what made you go inside the house?"

"Jaskier was taking too long. I had a bad feeling, then I heard a bottle breaking and some yelling." Geralts hands twitch at his side. "I grabbed my gun from my glove box and went inside."

"is your gun licenced?" the officer asked firmly.

"yeah, uh, the licence is in my car...and my car is back at that house."

"I'll take your word for it. Your possession of a fire-arm isn't my case right now. We're all tired tonight." the officer looks through his notes. "what's your occupation?" 

"is that important?" 

"it is when the suspect is telling us you're a hitman-for-hire." the officer looks Geralt up and down. "you look familiar, do I know you?" 

"My ex-wife is council woman Yennefer du vengerberg." He explains, "our divorce was reported on for months." 

"hm. Irrelevant. Answer my original question, what's your occupation?" 

"I receive benefits from the government due to my service. I don't work. What I get is enough to keep me and my daughter afloat." he lies smoothly, although he was eligible for the benefits. 

"thank you for your service, but I'm going to have to search your apartment for any proof backing Mr Belligaurds statements" 

"you're going to need a warrant first." he says, beginning to grow defensive. "I'll like to see a judge approve the searching of a discharged soldier and his adopted daughters house." 

"playing that card?" the officer smirks, "glad to see you know your rights though"

"I'm beginning to feel like your switching this onto a man who just saved his friend from being beaten to death. Why believe an abuser?"

"I'm just doing my job, sir. Its nothing personal." his smirk drops off his face, looking tired once again. "the receptionist wanted me to tell you to go fill in a form with her." 

Geralt watches as the officer walks away, before sighing and approaching the receptionist. She doesn't give him a second look besides passing over a form, and a pen. 

He writes down most of the information, before passing down the paper again and the pen, turning around before turning back around, a question appearing in his mind. 

"When will he be out of surgery?" he askes, tapping his hand against the desk. 

"name of patient" she drawls,

Geralt huffs, "Pankratz, Julian."

"he's due to come out in an hour and a half at most." she meets his eyes, "but will still be under anaesthetic. You won't be able to visit him."

Geralt groans, "when can I visit him?"

"tomorrow" she snaps, narrowing her eyes at him.

Geralt bites the inside of his cheek, feeling useless and helpless, before turning around again and leaving the waiting room, 

He had so much to do. 

* * *

First thing was first, he had gotten an uber back to Feril house, and found his car. He got in, despite being comfy, felt tense.

He looked back at the empty house that he had walked in on Jaskier getting choked to death in and clenched his fists. 

He got out of the car again, and walked into the house, it was cold, and quiet, and too big and dark.

He walked back to _the_ room, the bedroom, and stepped over the patch of blood on the floor from Jaskiers mouth when he had collapsed.

He looks around, the room was a mess, glass on the floor, the bed messy, the drawers opened as the closet is too. He finds a duffel bag on the floor, and squats down next to it. It's full of clothes and shoes, some items that might have been considered sentimental, others that might have been considered not as important, like guitar picks and some strings.

Oh.

This was Jaskiers bag. 

This was all his stuff he was bringing. 

Geralt slowly picks it up, sighing, putting it on his shoulder and leaving the house. He throws the duffel bag into the back of his car, with Jaskiers guitar that still laid there, and got in again. 

He turned on the ignition, and began driving back to his apartment. 

He puts Jaskiers guitar and duffel bag in his room, he had thought Jaskier was bringing more stuff, and was going to put it in the storage room, but this barely takes up any space.

Everything is too silent and too heavy. 

He had failed Jaskier. 

He wasn't there to protect him before he got too hurt. Guilt weighs heavy on his chest because _he_ was the one to convince Jaskier to break up with him, _he_ was the one to endanger him.

And now the police were on his case too. What would happen if they found out he was a mercenary, hell, at this point he should consider himself a hitman.

Not even a year ago, he had considered himself sociopathic, not showing much emotion unless it was towards Cirilla, but now because of Jaskier, he could admit he felt, but now because of him, Jaskier was hurt.

He didn't have time to guilt trip himself, he had to push his feelings aside for a moment.

He squats, and reaches under his bed, before pulling out a suitcase. He clenches his jaw as he brings it up onto his bed, and rolls the numbers into the right code. It clicks open and he lifts up the top, eyes darkening as he sees the guns in their molds. He takes out the pistol he had carried with him into the house, and puts it into the suitcase with the others, closing the suitcase and carrying it. He takes out his phone, and immediately messages Yennefer. 

_[G] I need a favour_

_[Y] depends on what it is._

_[Y] this better be good, Tissaia is going to get on my ass for texting at dinner._

_[G] Jaskier is in the hospital_

_[G] there's an officer getting on my case about a certain statement Jaskiers boyfriend said._

_[Y] what happened?_

_[G] jask broke up with his boyfriend. It didn't end well._

_[Y] shit_

_[Y] what can I do?_

_[G] get the police off my back. Jaskiers ex said I was a hfh_

_[Y] it's easier said than done, but Tissaia owes me a favour and she wont question it._

_[G] I appreciate it_

_[Y] can I have the name of Jaskiers boyfriend?_

_[G] Feril Belligaurd_

_[Y] alright._

_[Y] you owe me_

_[G] big time_

_[Y] tissaia and I are gonna fuck shit up, you just sit your pretty little ass down and look after the singer_

_[G] that was aggressive_

_[Y] I'm pissed off now_

_[Y] I hate people who think they can lay their hands on someone else._

_[Y] this 'Feril' isn't going to breathe fresh air as long as I can help it_

_[G] remind me not to get on your bad side_

_[Y] whatever, Tissaia is scolding me for using my phone at the table_

_[Y] i'll tell her tonight, about this_

_[G] ty_

_[Y] for safe measure, put all your weapons you know where. _

_[G] already thought of that. _

_[G] when are you dropping Ciri off tomorrow? _

_[Y] around 6 pm. _

_[G] I'm going to be with Jaskier then. Drop her off at the hospital. _

_[Y] mk. _

_[Y] gtg, ttyl_

_[G] bye_

He knew he could count on Yennefer, but he knew that even she couldn't stop the law, and not even the mayor could. No matter how powerful. But if Geralt was lucky, the police would be loose limbed, and take a bribe. 

It wouldn't be the first time Geralt ran away from the police, and if things went wayward, it wouldn't be the last. 

He had a tough night to go through. 

He grabs all his weapons around the house, shoving them into a bag, and grabbing the suitcase. And left the apartment, entering his car once more. 

The only weapon he didn't touch, was he swords. 

Those would stay where they were. 

He drove for what felt like forever, till he reached the edge of town, and approached the storage unit under Mousesacks name, his friend had covered his back multiple times, and bought this unit for him. He grunts as he lifts up the storage door, and slides beneath the gap he had opened, he places down the bag and suitcase in the corner, hidden behind a pile of random junk. 

No one would find it, if things went wrong. 

He would come back for them when everything got better. 

God, he was tired. 

* * *

He had arrived home at 2 am.

Had dinner at 3 am. 

And fell asleep at 5 am.

When he woke up, It was 1 pm. 

It was 6 days till Christmas, 12 days till New year's and today was Winterfest.

He woke up to Ciris alarm clock, in the other room, it had gone on and on for what felt like hours but no one was there to turn it off. 

He had forgotten Ciri wasn't home for a moment, and had yelled for her to turn it off for twenty minutes straight. 

When he finally looked at the time, he got out of bed quickly, yawning, turning off that damned alarm in ciris room and going to the bathroom for a shower. 

He took a warm shower, the warmth relieved the stress from his shoulders somewhat, and when he finished, and got out, stepping onto cold tiled floor, he couldn't find it in himself to look in the mirror. 

He was a monster. 

Killed renfri. 

Attempted to kill Yennefer, lied to her. 

Killed people in the war, failed to save innocent bystanders.

Was the reason Jaskier was hurt. 

He finally looked up at himself in the mirror, and grimaced at his bloodshot eyes, glazed over with tears, glaring back at him. His eyes quickly flickered down to his body and he swiftly looked away from the mass amount of scars, that he deserved, his mind adds on uselessly. There were dark bags under his eyes, making him look older, more aged.

He was only 27, why did he look 48?

Huffing, he could already imagine his younger brother, Lambert, mocking him and teasing him about his age even more.

He rushed out of the bathroom, brushing his hair and drying it quickly, before tying it up in a man-bun, a few escaped strands standing in his face that he angrily blows out of his sight.

When hes dressed, and ready to leave, he can't find his feet moving. 

He's standing infront of the door, trying to work up the courage to move, to fucking try, to do anything. 

To see Jaskier. 

He wanted to drop by Merigold first, let Triss know what happened, see if she was in fact firing Jaskier and kicking him out as the singer had theorised. 

The only thing that got him out the door was the idea of getting a coffee. 

Sweet caffeine. 

He approaches Merigold quickly, and realises how packed it is. He sweats, entering. Triss almost immediately spots him and approaches him quickly. 

"where the fuck is he?" she askes, "he has a gig today, all these people are here to see him!"

"Triss-"

"I absolutely done with this disappearing act he continues to do, I try, Geralt, really, I try." she pinches the bridge of her nose.

"hes-"

"let me guess, back at that bitch of a boyfriends house of his, texting that Nilfgaardian spy, or did he send you this time? He hasn't talked to me in forever!"

"Triss." He huffs, and she goes quiet. "He's in the hospital."

"what?" she falters, voice quiet, shoulders slumping.

"he broke up with Feril, that fucker didn't take it well. Beat him half to death" Geralt frowns, and she covers her mouth with her hand. "its my fault. I told him to do it"

"no- you...you did the right thing. If not now, when? When Jaskier finally pushed us all away, and that bastard kills him over a stupid mistake?" she shakes her head. "you look like you need a coffee. I'll get you one. On the house."

She turns to the crowd, clapping her hands and getting their attention. 

"Jaskier is sick! Y'all buy something or get out!" she yells, and the crowd murmers, half of them leaving but most sticking around and turning to the counter to order.

Geralt stands by the sides, when Triss approaches him again, holding his black coffee. 

"Jaskier told me that you fired him, is that true?" he askes softly, she blinks.

"I guess?" she sighs, "he hasn't come into work for two weeks, besides that occasional one day. I can't blame him. But, I couldn't just let it slide. This place needs workers that come in, that's why I hired someone new"

"I understand" Geralt murmers, "did you also kick him out?"

"the fuck?" she chuckles, "no, he's my best friend, even if he doesnt come into work and sometimes pisses me off. His room is still how it was last time he was home."

"I'll let him know that" Geralt sips his coffee slowly,

"are you going to go see him— you know what? Of course you are. I know you" she shakes her head, "let's talk about you."

"me?"

"yes, you" she huffs, "you don't look well"

Geralt raises an eyebrow, "gee, thanks" he says gruffly, sarcasm lacing his voice.

"you know what I mean." she puts her hands on her hips. "you look tired."

"I'm always tired" he takes another sip of his coffee, and she frowns at him.

"Geralt."

Triss was stubborn, he'd give her that. She was right, though, he didn't feel right, he was exhausted, the walls that he had dropped were coming back and he couldn't help it. He couldn't wait till Ciri and Him left for Kaer Morhen, it would be bliss, because at Maer Morhen, it was just his family and him.

"Triss," He sighs, "please, not now."

A realisation comes down on him at the thought of Kaer Morhen, he was to leave with Ciri in two days.

"okay, fine." she shakes her head, "but you're going to talk to me eventually, okay?"

"fine." he turns around, towards the door of the cafe.

He finishes his coffee with one last sip, and puts the glass down on the table next to the door before leaving.

The hospital isn't too far from Merigold, but it was still quite the walk and gave him a lot of time to think. 

Winterfest was going to be a disaster for Ciri. He didn't want to leave Jaskier alone in the hospital, but he didn't want Ciri to spend the holiday in a ward.

Perhaps he could get takeaway or something, bring it into the hospital so they could celebrate together?

Thats only if the staff allowed them, and if Ciri didn't mind. It wasn't ideal, comparing her last winterfest and Christmas to that, considering last time Yennefer and him had gone all out for their daughter, full dinner, presents, decorations, stuff like that.

He cringed, perhaps he could ask Yenn to keep Ciri today?

No, that would be selfish, Ciri would feel like he didn't want her around, like he was prioritising Jaskier over his own daughter, hell, even Yennefer would be pissed at that.

He was thinking too fast, about too many things, and making small problems feel big, that's what Eskel would say. He could already hear Yennefer chastising him for overthinking.

He could feel a headache coming on. 

It's not long before he's walking through the hospital door, chewing his lip almost anxiously.

He approaches the receptionist, and she looks up at him.

"Pankratz, Julian. Which floor is he?" he says, crossing his arms.

She types on the keyboard, before looking at him again. "floor 6, his father called for a private room, so room 34."

"his father?" Geralt furrows his eyebrows.

"the hospital called him, he's Julian's second emergency contact. The first didn't pick up." she explains, "his father arrived earlier today and demanded we give him the best treatment and room" she rolls her eyes.

"uh.." Geralt clenches his jaw, "okay. Thanks. Room thirty-four, floor six?" he checks again.

She nods, and Geralt practically rushes towards the elevator, he groans internally as the next open elevator happened to be extremely packed. Once he enters it, he presses floor six and does his best to avoid contact with others.

It takes a minute, but he arrives on floor six, realises its a private floor, so he'd have to buzz in. He sighs, and presses the silver button next to the doors.

It opens, but when he steps inside, a nurse stops him. 

"who are you visiting?" the nurse askes, he looks annoyed.

"Julian Pankratz?"

He barely notices the woman that slips next to him, "You're here to see Julian?"

He growls, "can you just let me through?" he looks away from the woman and at the nurse.

"do you know my brother?" the woman huffs, and Geralt finally spares her a glance, and sees her striking resemblance to Jaskier.

"you must be Robin.." he narrows his eyes, he vaguely remembers Jaskier rambling about his sisters when he came back from his trip to Lettenhove, he didn't expect to meet them.

"you're right." she squints, "you're.. Geralt of Rivia, he sang us a song about you. Uh.. When a humbled bard, graced a ride along, with Geralt of Rivia?" she hums lightly.

"oh god," he rubs his hand over his face, and curses even letting Jaskier write that song.

"does that mean I can let him through?" The nurse huffs, looking at Robin expectantly.

"yeah, yeah" Robin grabs Geralts arm and drags him along.

She drags him towards a private room, outside the room are two burly and large men, bodygaurds, who Geralt supposes are for Jaskiers dad. 

When they enter the private room, Geralt immediately snatches his arm away from Robin, and takes two long steps— lunges practically, towards Jaskier in the hospital bed.

He doesn't look as pale as last night, but he's bruised up, but his chest is rising and deflating with ease and Geralt feels his own heartbeat relax from its jackrabbit pulse. The singer was asleep, but his eyelashes fluttered when Geralt took his hand into his.

It's when he finally relaxes that he realises he has an audience, Jaskiers father and sister are staring at him, the older man glaring daggers while the sister looks stoic. He doesn't let go of Jaskiers hand, but takes a seat next to the unconscious man and looks back at the two pairs of eyes on him.

"hello," Jaskiers dad says firmly, "im assuming you're his boyfriend."

"just a friend." he says simply.

"well, then, just a friend, why are you here?"

Geralt grits his teeth, "don't you have a bank to run, Mr Pankratz?"

"how dare—"

"from what I've heard from Jaskier," he interrupts, "you would be the last face he wants to see right now."

"it's my money that's keeping him in this room, comfortable."

"no one asked for your luxuries, and Jaskier surely didn't ask for you to be here." Geralt bites back, "so, you better pray that by the time Jaskier wakes up, you're on way back to Lettenhove."

"stop" a hoarse voice says quietly, and Geralt almost gets whiplash at how fast he snaps his head around to look at Jaskier. 

"Jask—" 

"Son" Jaskier's fathers voice interuppts Geralt, "you're awake. That means I can have you transferred to Lettenhove, to one of the best hospitals there." 

"I don't.." Jaskier coughs, and Geralt reaches for a cup of water for him, helping him drink it. ".. I'm not going anywhere." 

"Julian."

"please, leave. My insurance will cover the room" Jaskier closes his eyes tightly, one hand squeezing Geralts, and the other coming up to his ribs.

"you heard him" Geralt glares at Jaskier's father, who falters, and clenches his fists.

"fine." The old man grits before leaving the room.

Robin stays for a moment, walking towards Jaskier and kissing his forehead before leaving as well. The singer keeps his eyes closed.

"I'm okay" Jaskier murmers, and Geralt feels something heavy in his chest before an ugly sound erupts from his throat, a sob that has Jaskier open his eyes and look over.

"hey." Jaskier says, "i'm okay." he repeats, "well, not really, but I will be.."

"fuck." he whispers, lifting Jaskiers hand to his lips.

Jaskier snorts half a laugh, "you were really worried, huh?" he brushes his thumb against Geralts lips. "a little beating didn't break me."

"you almost died" Geralt frowns.

Jaskier shrugs, and immediately winces, probably having jolted his ribs. He looks dazed before his face brightens again. 

"oh uh.. Happy winterfest?"

Geralt sighs, "happy winterfest" he returns.

"this is not how I planned to spend today" Jaskier smiles, but it looks strained and hurt. "and I know you probably had plans, 'I'm staying here' I hear you say, and to that I return that I'm not letting you ruin your winterfest for me"

"hm"

"the unsure Hm!" Jaskier, with a shaking hand, reaches for the water jug, his throat still sore. "I'm sure you want to spend today with Ciri" he fills a plastic cup with water, and drinks all the water in one go.

"I don't want to leave you here alone." Geralt frowns, he keeps his eyes on Jaskier. 

"what if I want some alone time?" Jaskier lifts his hand to his throat, lightly touching the bruises forming there.

"you don't." Geralt squints, he was good at reading Jaskier, and he could tell the singer didn't want to be alone right now.

"okay, well.." Jaskier opens his mouth, ready to speak again as a nurse walks in.

They both go quiet as the nurse approaches, 

"Mr Pankratz, I need to check your stitches and change your bandages" the nurse murmers, putting down a clipboard. "I'm going to untie your hospital gown, now, a lot of patients are embarrassed to let someone see them naked, so it's alright if you use your blanket to cover your bottom half."

Jaskier nods, as if this was a normal routine in his life, he doesn't move to cover himself with the blanket, and Geralt isn't surprised. Jaskier was always confident and shameless, well, till recently. 

The nurse unties the gown, and undoes the bandages, and Geralt winces as he sees little spots of blood on them. The nurse hums, taking a look at the surgery stitches on his chest.

"okay, so it looks like the stitches are fine, just a little jostled in your sleep." she let's out a breath, "you're healing well. Dr Chireadan is going to come visit soon, with the police"

Jaskier's eyes widen. "the police?" he askes quietly as she unwraps some new bandages and begins to pull them around his chest.

"yes, well, your friends statement here told us it was a domestic case"

At that, Jaskier shoots Geralt a glare. 

The nurse continues, "so the police just want to see if you want to testify and press charges"

"uh, okay." He huffs, and the nurse ties back his hospital gown.

"I can have someone send some spare clothes, like a hoodie and some bottoms, if you'd rather get out of the gown?" she tilts her head, taking off her gloves and throwing them away, sanitizing her hands and then putting on a new pair.

"uh, it's fine." He shakes his head, and she turns to leave at that.

Jaskier immediately looks at Geralt again. "you told the police?"

"of course I did" Geralt crosses his arms, "what else was I supposed to do?"

"uhh, I don't know, consider the fact that you just put your self at risk" Jaskier makes a dramatic gesture into the air.

"I've dealt with that. Well, Yenn is dealing with it"

Jaskier rubs his hands into his face, "I don't know if I want to press charges, Geralt."

"you should" Geralt returns bluntly.

Jaskier grits his teeth, he's silent for a while before relaxing his shoulders. "I know I told the nurse I don't want spare clothes but could you get me something else to wear next time you come?"

"speaking of, I'm leaving for Kaer Morhen after tomorrow" Geralt admits, frowning. "I'm sorry"

Jaskier painfully shrugs, "it's okay. I can't expect you to drop your plans for me."

Geralt huffs, "I'll bring you clothes tomorrow."

"thanks"

There's tense, awkward silence between the two of them. 

"I'm going to leave Ciri here with you for a bit when she comes. I'm going to go get us some food, and we can celebrate together" Geralt decides, and Jaskier nods numbly.

They're still holding hands, and after he's said that, Geralt feels Jaskier squeeze his hand gently. He looks at the singer, trying to give him a comforting smile, but it's strained and makes Jaskier look away.

Fuck, Geralt never was good at comforting people. 

"you don't have to be here out of pity, or guilt." Jaskier says, "I've been on the hospital before, and back then I never had visitors. I'm okay being alone."

"no, you're not" Geralt sighs, "stop lying."

He says that because Jaskier _is_ lying, and he doesn't know why. Over the years of being a hitman, Geralt has gained the skill of telling when people lie.

Jaskier doesn't say anything else, and after what feels like forever, Dr Chireadan and two officers walk in. He recognises one of the officers, the one that had questioned him last night. 

"Jaskier" Chireadan greets, and Jaskier mutters a quiet hello, almost nervous. "today I've brought some of my friends from the cintran police station. They want to know what happened last night and if you want to—"

"stop talking to me like that." Jaskier snaps, "im not a baby, and I'm not fragile."

Chireadan cringes at Jaskier's tone, and the officer that had questioned him last night huffs.

"just tell us what happened, kid."

"okay, fine" Jaskier rolls his eyes, "I broke up with my boyfriend, and he beat me. Tried to choke me to death. There. Simple."

"the doctors report says there's bruises and signs of injuries from weeks ago, has your boyfriend hurt you before?" the officer askes.

"take a guess." Jaskier closes his eyes, "yes, he has."

Geralt watches as Jaskier shifts in bed, and lifts the hand Geralt isn't holding to press it to his ribs.

"can you give us detail on your first injury?"

"uhh," Jaskier chews his lip, "him and I had an on and off relationship. The first time he laid his hands on me was.." Jaskier struggles to remember, he had all of the information for the police on his original phone, but he had 'lost' that one.

"your first hospital visit with me was August 2019, you thought your wrist was sprained." Chireadan clears his throat, handing over a file to the officers, "it was broken"

"right." Jaskier nods, "but if you're talking about recently, he hit me two weeks after being with each other againI. refused to give him my phone password, and he slapped me across the face"

Geralt clenches his fists, guilt settling in his stomach, a reminder ringing through his head he was the reason Jaskier even returned to Feril. 

"listen" Jaskier says, "I know how this goes. Most domestic abuse.." he cringes, "cases don't go to trial without solid evidence. Let's not even start on the belief most people have that men can't get abused. There's no use pressing charges"

"we have solid evidence though" the officer hums, "a witness," he gestures to Geralt, "your current injuries, the doctors files. If you can have some friends testify about your situation, you could have a good chance at sending this guy away for good."

Jaskier is quiet, and the officer speaks up again. 

"if you don't decide soon, the court will be having a bail hearing for Mr Belligaurd. He's already gotten his lawyers at hand." the officer frowns, "you cannot let this man go free."

Jaskier closes his eyes, biting the inside of his cheek. "Would I have to testify?"

"anyone physically or mentally capable of testifying should." the other officer speaks up, "but you could make a statement and your lawyer can read it out to the jury"

"uh." Jaskier pinches the bridge of his nose, "fine, I'll do it"

"do you have a lawyer?" the officer askes, and Jaskier nods.

"uh, Ms Thelia. She's located in Lettenhove though, but I'm sure she won't mind coming." Jaskier sighs, "she works for Pankratz Bank, so technically she works for my dad, but she's my families attorney"

"alright, well, get her down here and fill her in. We'll let her know any specific details" the officers look at each other for a moment. "I think we're done here. If you do need anything, ask Dr Chireadan to call us."

Geralt clenches his jaw as the officer that had questioned him yesterday meets his eyes, before leaving the room with his partner. Chireadan stands there awkwardly for a moment before leaving as well. 

"is Ciri on her way?" Jaskier askes, grabbing Geralts hand again, and tighter.

"I think so." Geralt nods. "when she comes, I'll leave for a bit to get food for us."

"so uh, Kaer Morhen? What's it like there?" Jaskier askes, changing the subject, trying to lighten the mood.

"oh." Geralt shrugs, "Vesemir, my.. Dad, he's renovating and fixing up this.. Fortress of sorts, it's huge, and it's hidden in the valley of kaer Morhen."

Jaskier nods slowly, and Geralt continues, "it's quite the hike to get up there, but me and my brothers used to go there, despite it being broken down, when we were younger and play hide-and-seek."

Fondly, he recalls the memories of the times him and his brothers would spend all day in the keep of Kaer Morhen, while Vesemir took care of the ranch at the base of the valley. He remembered how Eskel would count to twenty, and he and lambert would fight, literally, for a hiding spot. Sometimes Eskel would find them wrestling, and make a remark about how they were terrible about hiding.

At the end of each day, Vesemir would call for them at the large doors, and they would come running. He remembered how Vesemir would pinch their ears when they spent so long up there that their old man had to come and drag them down. They spent supper that night rubbing their ears sourly while eating whatever Vesemir had made.

"I can imagine tiny Geralt running around trying to find a hiding spot" Jaskier chuckles, "tell me more."

"at the base of the valley, we own a ranch and farm, when me and my brothers weren't fooling around, we were helping Vesemir with the animals, actually.." he hums, "I remember Vesemir helping me learn how to horse ride."

"what did you name your first horse?"

"Roach." Geralt pauses, "the first."

Jaskier laughs lightly and Geralt leans back into his chair.

"it wasn't all fun and games," Geralt continues when Jaskier finally pipes down. "Vesemir was very.. Strict with our education and trained us."

"trained you?"

"Well," Geralt thinks, "I don't know how to quite say it. Me and my brothers were home schooled, of course, Kaer Morhen is no where close to a town of sorts. We were very isolated.. Vesemir would teach us, and he would make sure we were strong and knew how to face our problems head on. "

"that sounds lonely." Jaskier shuffles, "did you have any friends?"

"just my brothers." Geralt tilts his head, "it's not like I needed anything more than that when I was a kid."

"that's.. Sweet"

"they're annoying. Don't get the wrong idea" Geralt glances at the floor, a small smile on his face. "I would take you to kaer Morhen with us, but.."

"yeah" Jaskier chuckles, "im probably wont be leaving this hospital till these are fully healed" he gestured to his ribs.

"I'm.. Sorry, Jaskier." Geralt cringes. "its my fault."

"no." Jaskier shakes his head. "are you the one that hit me?"

Geralt shakes his head. 

"did you force Feril to hit me?" he whispers, and Geralt shakes his head again. "no, you didn't. So don't be sorry. It's not your fault. I could have chosen to break up with him any other time."

"I'm still—"

"dad! Jaskier!" a voice exclaims and lo and behold, Cirilla walks in. She rushes to them, "what happened?"

"oh my dear" Jaskier grins, "I was in a merciless battle with a dragon! Of course I won, but with some battle scars. Fret not, I will be fine" 

Ciri giggles, "sure."

"your mum dropped you off early." Geralt comments. 

"she said Tissaia and her had a meeting to get to." she explains, sitting next to Jaskier but across from Geralt.

"hm." 

"soo.." Ciri grins, "are we spending winterfest with Jaskier?" 

Geralt nods, "only till it gets late. You need a proper sleep schedule for the road trip we're taking on the next few days" 

"okay." Ciri hums, "oh! Uh.. At school, I made something for everyone as a winter fest present before we broke up for the break" 

She fiddles for a moment in her jacket pocket but ends up pulling out two bracelets. They're made with string, bands and are decorated with all sorts of colours. She holds out the brightly coloured one to Geralt and the dark one to Jaskier. 

"they're supposed to connect you to your significant other." she says shyly, "I made them as friendship bracelets first but I got that idea later on. You get the bright one to symbolise Jaskier, and Vise-versa."

Geralts chest tightens and his heart beats quickly for a moment. He puts the bracelets on carefully, and Jaskier does the same. 

"i made one for mum and Tissaia.. Now one for you two." 

"oh, dear heart" Jaskier smiles, "I love it. I'll wear it forever." 

"but uh," Geralt clears his throat, "what gave you the idea Jaskier and I are significant others?"

"i made them before you two broke up so shut up and fuckin' accept it" She says. 

"woah!" Jaskiers eyes widen, looking at Geralt. "I wonder where she learnt that language!" 

"hey" Geralt growls lightly, "don't look at me, I try to censor myself"

"try being the keyword" Ciri shrugs, smirking deviously.

Jaskier chuckles, "no swearing, Little cub. It's not fitting for a young child."

"you sound like my grandmother." Ciri pouts, crossing her arms.

"your grandmother was quite the hypocrite if she scolding you for you language" Jaskier hums, "I remember at your parents wedding she was swearing like a sailor. She even broke a chair over a man's head one time, while swearing in different languages."

"you knew my grandmother?"

"I sang at your parents wedding. Pavetta and I grew quite close, like siblings. I guess Calanthe saw a shine in me too." Jaskier fondly recalls, "your grandfather was like the calm after a storm, the storm being your grandmother" he snickers.

"that's enough stories." Geralt sighs, "For now. I'm going to go get some food before all the stores close."

"if you take too long I'm going to make Jaskier sing a song about you. I know he's written one or two" Ciri grins.

Geralt sends a glance to Jaskier, who awkwardly makes a subtle gesture to his ribs, and then to his throat. He couldn't sing even if Ciri wanted him too, and he could see the disappointment in Jaskiers eyes at that.

"whatever you say, little rose." He ruffles Ciris hair, and stands. "I'll be back in an hour."

As he leaves, he can faintly hear Jaskier and Ciri chatter, and pays no mind to it; in fact he was rather glad the two were friends. He leaves the ward, and takes the elevator down to the first floor. It's less packed than the first elevator and the finally, he arrives on the ground floor and finds his way to the exit. 

He searches up on his phone and food places that are open at the time, and if they were near by. Thankfully, there was a chicken place not to far, and it was one of the only places open right now. 

He takes the walk, it's cold, but short, the streets are mostly empty, but lit up with Christmas lights and banners. He wonders if Kaer Morhen is going to be decorated as well, and quickly dismisses the thought, they never decorated for any holidays. Hell, he was lucky if he got a present for his own birthday.

A thought occurs, and he realises he'll be gone by Jaskiers trial with his ex-boyfriend. It was like he dug a hole for the singer and left him alone to climb out by himself. The trial would need a witness statement and he was more than happy to provide, but he wouldn't be there. 

Perhaps he could give the statement in ink to Jaskiers lawyer. But like Jaskier said, if the trial was held infront of a jury, it would be hard to put Feril away, considering the stigma around men abusing other men, or just in general about men being abused. He just hoped it will go well. 

At the end of his thoughts, he arrives infront of the restaurant, and when he walks in, its mostly empty beside the odd couple. He approaches the front, and the man behind the counter takes his order quickly on the screen. 

It's a large order, so it takes quite some time, but he doesn't worry. He waits awkwardly till one of the staff put up three large paper bags that smell _amazing _infront of him, and he pays, thanking them quietly and picking all the bags up. He holds two in one hand, and one in the other.

The walk back to hospital would have been quick, and wouldn't haven taken long. 

Except it did take a bit longer than usual. 

Because while Geralt wasn't scared of being followed, he was unnerved, because he could feel someone's eyes on him, feel their presence not too far, and no matter how many turns he took, they were still behind him.

He had a lot of enemies, and wouldn't be surprised if this was one of them. He wiggles his toes to the sole of his boot, and felt around, quietly going 'hmm' when he feels the blade of the dagger he had hidden in the inside of his shoe. It would barely take five seconds to remove his boot, rip off the fabric on top of the sole and take out the dagger if this person following him really was a threat.

Be reasonable, his mind supplied. The police are on him, it was probably a detective or something tailing him. 

But usually even they were a bit more subtle. 

In his thoughts, he hadn't realised he walked straight into an alley and cornered himself. He curses slightly, turning and seeing the person— woman stand at the end.

"who are you?" he askes, tightening his grip on the bags.

The woman shuffles, adjusting her hood and scarf. "Geralt, i—"

He knows that voice.

He knows her. 

"Visenna." he snarls. 


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Geralt and his mother talk. Insults are said, and Geralt is bitter. Visenna tries, but her son is convinced she's a horrible mother. 
> 
> He and Ciri get ready to leave for Kaer Morhen, and he calls Vesemir. He packs, and sees Jaskier again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of pedophilia, and attempted sexual assault. 
> 
> I love geralt I really do, so that's why I have to make him suffer :')
> 
> Enjoy the chapter!

"Geralt, Please—" she rushes out as Geralt storms past her, the snarl still placed on his face, anger shaking his body.

How dare she show her face and even think for a second that Geralt would hear her out?

The woman that abandoned him on the side of the old road near Kaer Morhen, the woman who left him nothing but an old apple, and a blanket to fend for himself. He had left for a matter of seconds to pick flowers, like a child does, like Geralt did when he was younger, when he still held innocence. And when he turned around she was gone, 

He remembered vaguely calling for her till his voice was hoarse and his eyes puffy from crying because he had just been _abandoned _in the middle of nowhere.

She left him and didn't even know what could have happened to him, someone could have picked him up, someone that wasn't vesemir, someone who didn't have his child self's best interests at heart like his adoptive father did. 

So no, he was not going to give her a chance, he wasn't even going to let her talk, because every day since he was a child till the day he was 16, he had wondered why his own blood, his own mother had left him on the side of the road, helpless and cold.

"Geralt, Please!" she pleads, grabbing his wrist and stopping him.

He turned his head slowly and looked down at her, and he saw her shiver from the glare he had sent her way. 

"Let go of me." he grits, and she slowly loosens her grip but doesn't let go.

"Geralt—"

"You don't get to use that name!" he yells, "Vesemir gave me that name when he found me on the side of the old, dirty fucking road _you _left me on"

She chews on her lip, guilt in her eyes. "I was a teen, Geralt. Please. You have to understand."

Geralt stares at her, chest rising heavily, and she takes that as a chance to continue.

"I didn't know what to do. My parents disowned me, my entire village called me a whore—"

"you disowned me! You left me! I was a baby! I could barely walk on my own two feet" He huffs, "I don't care about you're sad little backstory."

She swallows the lump in her throat, and tears build in her eyes. "I know— I know"

"I don't think you do." He turns his body towards her, squaring his shoulders. "do you know what I went through?" his voice cracks, volume lowering to a bare whisper. "I was terrified. The only thought that was in my head for weeks was where was my mother? Where was the woman who fed me and taught me to walk, only to leave me"

She's quiet, and Geralt growls, "look at my face."

She lifts her head up to look at him, and Geralt can see her eyes flicker to the scar running down his right eye for a moment.

"There was a man along with Vesemir at Kaer Morhen who helped him look after the boys" he starts, "this man took a liking to me, and tried to take advances towards me. When I yelled out, and tried to run away he attacked me. Thats how I got this." he clenches the bags in his hands, but he doesn't need to point at the scar on his face for her to know he was talking about it. "I was 12."

It wasn't something he liked to talk about. 

He could vividly remember that day despite it being years ago. He remembered the man taking him away from the courtyard to one of the smaller rooms in the keep, cornered him, and started saying something about having always wanted Geralt. He remembered yelling, and shoving the man as best as he could, and then suddenly blood and pain rushing down the side of his face. When Vesemir had arrived, his face had darkened as he pieced together what had happened. 

Geralt never saw that man again, but Eskel had said Vesemir wasn't merciful. 

He guessed killing people ran in the family. 

"i didn't--I couldn't have known—"

"you left me there." he clenches his jaw, "if you had been a responsible parent, I would have never had to experience that."

"I'm sorry." she murmers.

"your apologies mean shit to me, Visenna." he turns again, back to her. "why did you come here? What do you want?"

"I.." she sighs, "I wanted to clear things up"

"I don't want your excuses" he mumbles, feeling dizzy and drained.

"I was a teenager, Geralt, when I had you. I was barely 18, I was poor. What Vesemir gave you was better than anything I would have ever given you"

"You know nothing about my childhood or how I grew up, you can't make statements like that" he huffs, "I.. I have to go"

"Geralt.." her voice is quiet, but he shakes his head and walks off, footprints in the snow.

Visenna doesn't follow him.

* * *

When he enters Jaskiers hospital room again, Ciri immediately snatches the food out of his hands and Jaskier adjusts the table on wheels to stand infront of his chest as Ciri puts down his food infront of him.

Geralt stays quiet as Cir hands him his takeaway bowl full of rice, chicken and some veggies. He feels as if he's lost his appetite but he hasn't eaten all day, all he's had is coffee. 

They eat in mostly silence, Geralt assumes that's his fault. He brought in a sour mood into the room. 

"uh," Jaskier clears his throat, "so.. I was just telling Ciri about our date at the Djinn"

"Hm."

"Jaskier got alcohol poisoning, right? Or was he just exaggerating?" she askes, tilting her head.

"hm." Geralt picks at his food, not even realising he was just asked a question.

He was tired, just exhausted, and... scared. He didn't know quite what of, and the feeling was odd, he wasn't ever quite as scared.

"Geralt?" Jaskier speaks softly, "earth to Geralt?"

He lifts his gaze to meet Jaskiers and the singer goes quiet, frowning, worry written in his features.

Fuck. 

He was worrying Jaskier. He needed to snap out of this, the singer couldn't use the stress right now, he just needs to relax. He couldn't stop fucking up.

Not even his own mother wanted him. 

"dad..?" Ciri murmers, reaching over to him.

"i- I'm fine." he shakes his head. "what did you ask me?"

"uh.." Jaskier pauses, "no. You're not."

Ciri shoots him a look at his blunt reply, and Geralt just blinks. He clenches his jaw, before relaxing his shoulders.

"I just.. Saw someone I wasn't ready to see." he answers slowly, and Jaskier nods.

"that's okay. We understand. We won't pry. We just want to make sure you're okay, and ya'know, disassociating really isn't a good sign." Jaskier rambles, "we're here for you."

"this isnt—" he grits his teeth, "about me. We're here for you."

"but I'm safe, and okay. Somewhat. You look.. now, don't take this offensively, pretty boy, horrible." Jaskier cringes, putting down his plastic spork. 

"do I need to call grandpa again?" Ciri askes quietly. 

"no!" Geralt exclaims, and catches himself. "I'm fine. Vesemir doesn't need to know. Let's just, eat, okay? You both have my full attention now." 

Ciri and Jaskier exchange glances before slowly nodding and eating quietly. Geralt bites his tongue, still picking at his food, only taking the occasional bites.

"so, we were talking about how Jaskier got alcohol poisoning, but I don't believe him" Ciri smirks, easily and quite smoothly changing the subject. 

"I'm telling the truth!" Jaskier chuckles. 

"he's telling the truth. I took him to the hospital that night" Geralt shrugs, "he was vomiting for hours, but was still cracking jokes."

"wow!" Ciri laughs, "of course you were"

Jaskier grins brightly, seemingly happier than he has been for the two months since being with Feril. Geralt was glad to finally see his smile again, the smile that reached his eyes and looked real.

But he was the reason it disappeared in the first place. He was at fault for pushing Jaskier back to his abusive ex.

"Ciri," Jaskier murmers, "geralt and I need to talk, do you have ear phones?"

She nods, and Geralt watches her put them in and turn on some music.

"I know I said I wasn't going to pry, but what's wrong?" Jaskier slowly shuffles in the bed, careful of his food and pressing a gentle hand to his bandages.

"I'm fine, Jaskier." He shakes his head.

"who did you see?" Jaskier continues, "Yenn?"

"Yennefer and I are on good terms." He puts the lid back on his container of food, and tucks it into the bag again.

"then who?" Jaskier reaches for his hand, but Geralt lifts it so he couldn't take it. "okay, no touching, that's fine."

That's what Geralt adored about Jaskier, he understood so quickly that Geralt didn't want to be touched, as much as the singer likes to act stupid, he's very smart, and reads people just as well as Geralt does. 

"I.." Geralt grits his teeth, "I saw my mother."

"you don't like her?" Jaskiers eyes are searching on him, Geralt doesn't know what he's looking for.

"she abandoned me when I was kid, Jaskier. Take a guess." he snaps, but catches himself when Jaskier flinchs slightly; but Geralt knew Jaskier would never he scared of him. It was just a reaction that his ex had pushed into him. "I'm.. Sorry. I shouldn't have snapped like that."

"no, it's fine." Jaskier shakes his head. "why did she come to see you?"

"I don't know, and I really don't want to talk about it." he huffs softly, and Jaskier frowns heavily.

"you can't keep avoiding your problems, eventually they're going to eat you alive. You'll have a breakdown, Geralt. You need to talk about this stuff. It's not good to keep it inside."

"I'm fine, Jaskier, please, just.. Drop it for now." Geralt looks at the time, "it's late, anyways. I need to take Ciri home so she can start packing."

"I.." Jaskier sighs, "fine, okay. Uhm, don't forget to bring me my clothes and guitar, please."

"i'll leave that stuff with Triss, but i'll bring your clothes." Geralt stands, and pats ciris shoulder to get her attention, she takes a last bite of her food and throws the plastic container in the bin before standing.

"we going?" she askes, tilting her head.

"yeah" Geralt nods, and Ciri turns back to Jaskier.

"Bye, Jas" she smiles at him, and he smiles back at her, waving slightly.

They leave the hospital, and on the way home, Ciri is quieter than normal. He would be concerned, but he knew she knew he needed the silence right now.

He replays the conversation between him and his mother in his head, bitter, and hurt.

He didn't want to see her. He wasn't ready, and he wasn't sure he ever would be. He wasn't supposed to be the vulnerable, this weak. He was raised to be strong, he's supposed to be well guarded, even with his feelings.

Yet, here he was. Hurt.. Upset.. Fuck, he was terrified. He didn't know why, but he was. Maybe it was seeing her face again, or maybe it was the dawning feeling that he was going to have to face his feelings soon. 

Anger. 

Anger built under his skin as he kept thinking. 

_How dare she _even think that Geralt would give her a chance, after everything. After all the hopelessness she left in his heart. 

After all the pain she left him with. 

She was supposed to be his mother, she was supposed to keep him near her chest, protect her. He's seen mothers tear themselves apart after a child's death because they believed they were at fault, but his mother left him and didn't look back, didn't care. 

It was happenstance that Vesemir had picked him up, but what if he hadn't? 

She wouldn't have cared. She left him to fend for himself, she left him for anyone to take. 

Perhaps that wasn't what hurt most, maybe it was the fact that not even his own mother wanted him. That she threw him aside.

Maybe she looked into his eyes and saw that in the future, he would have blood on his hands, and he would have killed hundreds, if not thousands at this point, of people. 

Eventually, everyone would see him that way, a monster. 

And, they would leave him too. 

His chest felt heavy and tight, his hands fidgeted in his pockets for a moment and he couldn't help the tired expression growing in his face. He just wanted peace. Why was that so hard to achieve?

They arrived home sooner than Geralt had expected, and he opens the door. Ciri looks at him, raising an eyebrow.

"I'll come inside in a minute, okay? I gotta make a call" Geralt murmers, she nods and walks inside.

He stands on the steps for a moment, before sitting down on the snow, taking out his phone and clicking on Vesemirs call contact.

It rings once, twice and finally, the man picks up.

"Geralt?" Vesemir says into the phone, and Geralt can hear a neigh in the background, and some snickering from what he assumes are the horses.

"did you know visenna was coming to visit me?" He says gruffly.

"she did get in contact with me around a month ago." Vesemir huffs, "but I didn't expect her to go meet you."

"she followed me till I talked to her." he closes his eyes, "you could have told me."

"hm, and how well do you think that would have gone over with you?" Vesemir says sternly, "I have no business in your family drama—"

"yes you do!" Geralt growls, "are you not the man who raised me? You're family more than she ever will be."

"she is your blood, Geralt."

"she isn't my family, though." Geralt frowns, "what if Lamberts dad tried to get in contact with him? That would be a different story, hm?"

"Don't you—"

"just because she didn't raise her hands against me, doesn't mean she was a good person. She's horrible."

"Geralt!" Vesemir snaps, "I didn't tell you because I knew you would get like this. You would've refused to see her. You're acting childish. She isn't a tyrant. She made a bad decision and is trying to fix her mistakes."

"i don't care—"

"you think I was happy to hear from her, boy? That I didn't get protective?" Vesemir snarls, "I care for you more than you could ever know, and I wasn't about to let her go see you without knowing her intentions."

Geralt is quiet for a moment, he breathes in shakily. "a heads up wouldn't have hurt.."

"i'll remember that next time, after I shove away the chances that you'd throw a tantrum like you are now." there's a couple more snickering and neighs in the background, and then the crunching of a carrot. "I didn't raise you to act like this"

Geralt scoffs, "don't act like a perfect parent. You could hardly pass for dad of the year. Old age has softened you. I remember whenever I and the other boys would wrestle you would take a stick and hit our hands till they were red."

"most of ya' boys that grew up here were brats that didn't know manners and didn't respond well to normal punishments. I had to figure something out" Vesemir replies, "at least as you got older you were made to do chores if you misbehaved."

Geralt sighs through his nose. "I miss Kaer Morhen."

"Kaer Morhen misses you. Especially Roach the second. She's settling well to retirement, the old lass" Vesemir sounds fond, always having a soft spot for animal.

"Ciri and I will be leaving town after tomorrow." the mercenary bites the inside of his cheek. "she's excited."

"'course she is" Vesemir huffs, "Lambert is excited to see how she's doing with her self-defence and training. Eskel wants to teach her how to survive in the woods for a couple days too."

"hm." Geralt runs his tongue along his gums, "as long as they don't hurt her or get her lost, I'm fine with that."

"you're spoiling her."

"I am not, I'm being responsible." Geralt retorts, "unlike you, remember that time you sent me to go catch a rabbit? I got lost for two days before you found me"

"a lesson hard taught. You were a fool and it seems like you still are." Geralt can hear the smirk in Vesemir voice, he rolls his eyes.

"yeah, yeah, we both know I'm your favourite"

"whatever, boy." Vesemir replies gruffly, "old Roach here is begging to stretch her legs, so I've got to go."

"okay." He says quietly, "bye."

There's silence on the other end, and the click of the call hanging up. He draws the phone away from his ear and sighs, rubbing his face with both his hands.

They needed to start packing, and there was no time to waste. Especially considering they were going to be a lot busier tomorrow. 

Geralt got up from the steps, and walked into the apartment, he took off his shoes by the door and put his coat on the hanger. He sees Ciri looking through her drawers and cupboards, in her room. 

He approaches her, and pats her head gently. "need help packing?"

"I don't know whether to bring my books and that Nintendo switch Yenn bought for me as an early Christmas present." She murmers, "is their WiFi there?"

Geralt chuckles, "no, not really. We rely on what's around the ranch and the keep to keep us busy."

"I'm still bringing my switch, maybe i can show uncle Lambert and uncle Eskel what animal crossing is!" she grins, opening her drawer and taking out the Nintendo switch, it has a blue and gold case, and she puts it in her bag.

"you're packing light?" Geralt furrows his brow, "we're staying there for two weeks, cub. Use a suitcase, or a bigger bag."

She nods, and grabs a bigger bag from under her bed, and loads everything into it from the other bag. "what else should I bring?"

"lots of warm clothes." Geralt walks over to her closet, and takes some sweaters off her hangers. His hand lingers on a sweater that was obviously too big for her, and it's old. It looks hand made, tailored.

"oh, uh." Ciri walks over, "that belonged to my grandmother. Mousesack gave it to me last year on my birthday."

"do you want to bring it?" Geralt askes gently, and she shrugs.

"I don't wear it. I just keep it for.. Sentimentality"

Geralt nods, and leaves it in the closet. He hands her the sweaters he had taken down, and she packs them. He looks through her home clothes, and takes a couple pairs of pajamas and some casual clothes, and helps her pack them too.

After helping her finish packing, he's ready to leave her to go pack his own stuff, but before he leaves the room, Ciri hugs him. He softly hugs her back, wrapping his arms around her and giving her a light squeeze. She smiles up at him and his heart warms, suddenly all of the stress of the day leaving.

She let's go after a good minute and he goes to his room, taking out a suitcase, and begins packing mostly essentials, and most of his clothes. He makes sure to pack the warm clothes. Just as he's ready to close up the suitcase, he stops for a moment, and shakes his head.

He had to bring it. He promised Eskel they would spar next time they saw each other. He kneels down and takes out his two swords, sparing a glance to Renfris sword he had kept in her name, out of respect. 

His mood dampens slightly, but he doesn't focus on it. The swords won't fit in the suitcase, obviously, but he wouldn't forget to bring them. He closes up the suitcase, and settles it by his door, and leans the two sheathed swords by it. 

He takes a look at the time when he finally settles into bed, and yawns. Exhaustion returning and finally seeping through, he settles under his blanket, and sleeps.

* * *

When Geralt next wakes, it's to Ciri shaking him gently. He blinks a couple times before looking at her, and sitting up in bed.

"yeah?" He murmers, and she settles something onto his lap.

He glances down, "breakfast in bed?" he smirks, "what do you want?"

"nothing!" she grins, "what? Can't I just treat my dad?"

"Ciri" He gives her a look and she chuckles awkwardly.

"can I go visit Dara before we leave?" she watches as Geralt cuts into his waffles.

He takes a moment to reply as he bites into the waffle, and he gulps it down before looking at her. "is everything packed?"

She nods, and he thinks for a moment. "yeah, okay, sure. You can go."

She cheers, practically leaping into the air. He let's a smile tug at his lips at her excitement, watching her leave quickly to go get ready.

He eats his waffles slowly, listening to a podcast as he does so. Once he's finished, he turns the podcast off and when he gets out of bed, he hears Ciri leave. He walks into the bathroom, quickly splashing some water on his face, before brushing his teeth and tying his hair up again.

He walks into the kitchen for a moment, just to see if Ciri has made a mess, and when he sees everything clean, he hums to himself and leaves the room.

He approaches his room again, and dresses comfortable, yet presentable clothes. The trip to Kaer Morhen would take 4 days max, on car. It was the most tedious part, but when Ciri was younger, she called it a road trip and found joy in it. The memory always brought a smile to his face.

Once he's finally dressed, he picks up his suitcase and drags it along with him to Ciris room, and he picks up her packed bag. It's comical, how small and bright it is on him. It contrasts greatly with him as a whole. He brings the suitcase and bag to his car, opening the trunk and putting both securely in.

He sighs, and closes the trunk, locking the car, before walking back into the house, and going to the kitchen again. 

The food in the fridge would go rotten while they were gone, he had to throw it all out. He puts all the leftovers, bread, milk, all sorts, into a black trash bag. He brings the bags out to his garbage bin by the stairs of the apartment and throws both bags in there; minus the couple packed food for the road trip. It would last them four days, but everything else had to go.

He makes his last trip (_hm, finally_) in the apartment, by grabbing Jaskiers guitar case and duffel bag filled with his clothes. He shuffles the guitar case on his shoulder awkwardly before leaving the apartment and walking towards Merigold. 

He's surprised to find Merigold practically empty, despite there being another event today. It was kids drawing competition, but no one showed up. He didn't blame them, with this snow. 

Triss greets him brightly, "Geralt!" 

"hey" he smiles at her awkwardly, "here's Jaskiers stuff. Can you bring it to your place?" 

"of course I can" she takes the guitar case, and the duffel bag, but before she leaves with it, Geralt quickly takes out an outfit for Jaskier to wear today. He makes sure it's comfy, but still fits his style. Triss nods, and takes everything to the back before coming back to him. "so, uhh, coffee?" 

"no, im fine." he shakes his head, "I have a favour to ask of you" 

"depends on what it is," she crosses her arms. 

"look after him for me, okay?" He looks away, embarrassed at his request, to show that he actually cared for Jaskier. 

"oh- Jaskier? Of course I will." she pats his arm, unphased, unexpecting. "you know, it's okay to care about him?" 

"he's annoying, I don't know what you mean" Geralt murmers, almost shyly, and Triss snickers and rolls her eyes. He gives her a last, small, smile, before leaving the cafe. 

The trip to the hospital is the same, and quiet. He swears he sees Visenna behind a tree, and when he looks again, she isn't there. He's slightly unsettled, but continues to walk. 

He makes it to the hospital, and doesn't look twice at the receptionist before going up to Jaskier's room. The nurse that had stopped him before doesn't now, and he's ready to go into Jaskier's room before his hand stops at the handle. 

There was talking inside. 

"my client will be willing to let this all go, stay away from you, if you don't press charges" A man says, and Geralt hears Jaskier scoff.

"there's no way you're going to win this case," the man continues, "Mr Belligaurd has one of the best lawyers in the world representing him." 

"I'm not.. taking back my statements nor my charges." Jaskier replies, "leave or I'll call the hospital staff to make you." 

He hears a huff, and the steps of expensive suit shoes coming towards the door, and gives the man— lawyer— an unimpressed look as he leaves. He walks in after him, and closes the door behind him. 

"I take it you and your acute hearing heard all of that" Jaskier grins, nervously, at him, "Of course Feril would send his lawyer to try to scare me, right?" 

"just, ignore him. The court is practically in your favour" Geralt replies smoothly, before handing him his new clothes. 

Jaskier visibly brights at the new clothes, and shuffles off the bed slowly, doing his best not to jostle his ribs. Geralt looks at him, concerned, before realising Jaskier was changing. _Right in front of him, not giving two shits_

Geralt doesn't even realise he's staring at him till Jaskier finally had the hospital gown off, and the singer gave him a embarrassed look. He quickly averted his eyes from the man, trying hard to not let his eyes flicker back to his naked form. 

Even bruised and bandaged, Jaskier was beautiful. 

Fuck. 

Geralt feels his cheeks heat up, and he shakes his head, swallowing around the lump in his throat. He finally looks back to the singer once he hears Jaskier sit back down on his bed.

"I left your stuff with Triss." He clears his throat.

"thanks" Jaskier says sheepishly, "you're leaving tonight, right?"

"yeah." Geralt nods slowly, feeling slightly guilty for admitting he was practically leaving the singer.

"okay, cool. Have fun! Tell your family I said hi" Jaskier smiles, fingers fidgeting with each other. He looks like he wants to say something and curiousity sparks inside him.

"what do you want to tell me?" The mercenary sits down next to the bed and leans close.

"nothing!" Jaskier replies, eyes wide as if caught red handed. "I just, I cant wait for the whole court hearing to be done with and y'know.. I just want to get some good sleep"

Geralt nods, "yeah." he sighs, "It'll pass by quickly okay? You'll be out of here before you know it"

"what's this I hear? Geralt of Rivia caring about me? " Jaskier grins, teasing, "I must be dead"

The witcher rolls his eyes, "shut up, Jaskier."

Well, the singer wasn't saying anything that wasn't true, Geralt supposed.

He did care, he realised, surprising himself.

"When you come back from Kaer Morhen, we're finishing Daredevil together, okay?" Jaskier hums, changing the subject.

Geralt nods, a small smile on his lips as Jaskier visibly relaxes by his side.

"sure, Jask'" Geralt murmers, "anything for you"

_Anything for him. _

_Anything. _


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trip to Kaer Morhen is long, but Geralt keeps pushing. Eventually, they make it. Vesemir doesn't seem happy with him.
> 
> Also
> 
> A nurse suggests therapy to jaskier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda wanted to cry on Geralts behalf tbh after looking back at some of the past chapters. 
> 
> This chapter was mostly focused on Geralt, I kind of missed writing him idk
> 
> Anyway :')
> 
> Enjoy the chapter!

The road is tedious, as always. 

Its a four day drive to get to Kaer Morhen, if he and Ciri take little breaks. 

But Ciri is a kid, and has more needs than Geralt would. She needs more pee-breaks, and gets sick of the food he packed for them for the road often, so they stop at diners they find on the side of the road, where rednecks and different crowds go to eat.

As much as Geralt would love to order Ciri to hold her bladder for another hour, or tell her to just eat her leftovers, he doesn't want to see her disappointed. He wants this 'road trip' to be fun for her till she's stuck cooped up helping Vesemir make food, or wrestling with Lambert who promises he's not going easy on her when he really is.

So, they make constant stops, he watches Ciri order a large milkshake in the diner that he knows she won't be able to finish, she orders the special item of the day which happens to be soup. He doesn't let her eat it when he swears he sees something move inside it, and gives her his food instead.

They stop at gas-stations for refills on gas, obviously, and pee-breaks. He tells Ciri she has 5 minutes to go to the bathroom, while he buys some snacks he knows she'll happily munch on. After he pays, she comes back wiping her hands down on her jeans, murmering something about the air-dryer for her hands not working.

They find themselves at an empty cross-roads one night, and Geralt had to stop driving anyways because his eyes were beginning to close on themselves, but also because Ciri was begging to stop so they could get a clear view of the stars here.

Geralt almost considers going to sleep right there, but he doesnt want Ciri sitting alone. So he joins her on the hood of the car, she's leaning close to him, and all the stress of the last day— weeks wash away.

This was peaceful. 

The stars were nice, and silence was good for him sometimes. It was even better than Ciri was happy, next to him. He hadn't realised how long it had been since he and her had a day to themselves. 

He knew this wouldn't last, it never did, but it didn't hurt to embrace it while it lasted.

Eventually, they both yawned, and Ciri giggled at their synced actions. He gave her a small smile, and they both got back into the car. Ciri sat in the back seats, laying down. She used her hoodie as a pillow, and he laid his jacket over her as a blanket. He got comfy in the drivers seat, yawning again, and closing his eyes.

When he wakes up next, its to the sunrise blaring through the windshield. He squints and groans lightly, but doesn't complain much. He does a little full body stretch as much as he could with the cramped space he was in and at the sound and feeling of his joints popping, was very pleased.

He takes out his GPS on his phone, and sees there's not a gas-station, diner, or motel in the next couple miles. At least that gave Ciri and excuse to stop asking if they could stop.

He also sees that Jaskier has been texting him. Since he left him the day before yesterday, the singer has been texting him constantly, but Geralt has barely had the chance to reply. His last message to him was a 'goodnight x' when he had WiFi at the last gas-station.

Jaskier sends him updates on what was going on that day, mostly photos and selfies with filters on them and him making a cute face behind the caption in the middle. Geralt clicks on the last photo, it was pretty dark in the picture, but he could still make out Jaskiers grin. He was holding a jelly cup up to his cheek, and the caption said "I sneaked a late night snack before bed! The nurses didn't notice :D"

Geralt can't help the little chuckle that escapes him at that, and he doesn't take long scroll through all the messages and photos. 

A constant thought was 'cute' at every little adorable photo or every text. He couldn't help thinking that, Jaskier just gave him so much serotonin it should be illegal.

It's when he finishes looking through all the texts from yesterday, that he realises the time and starts the car again. Ciri twists and turns at the sound of the engine, but doesn't wake. He starts driving, and can't help but wonder how much more eventful the stay at Kaer Morhen would have been if Jaskier was with them.

Ciri wakes up around 3 pm, absolutely wrecking her sleep schedule. She yawns, hair sticking everywhere and body cramped slightly. He reckons it wouldn't be long before she gazed in wonderment at the fields of wheat covered in snow.

He's right, she's staring out the window almost immediately, and pointing out minor things that probably shouldn't be so exciting. But she's spent most of her life in the city, and hasnt really seen much of the countryside. 

"are we almost there yet?" she whines after an hour of staring out the window, and he holds back a groan, already knowing what was going to be asked for the next couple of days.

"not even close." He grips the steering wheel lightly and not even a minute later after some silence, she once again askes-

"are we there yet?"

"no, Ciri" Geralt frowns, "eat your lunch, you must be hungry"

"I don't want the nasty left overs! They're like, three days old!" she pouts, "can we stop somewhere?"

"nowhere to stop, lion cub." he sighs, "you can have the takeaway food from the diner. Remember?"

She brightens, and shuffles through the seats to find it. She does find it, and opens it up. It's a left over chicken sandwich and some fries below it. She munches on it happily, and Geralt ignores the voice in his head that says that was his, that he was saving that for his dinner. That he had barely eaten the day before despite stopping so many times. As long as Ciri was happy, he was happy.

He stops for dinner along side the road, its mostly empty so it's okay to do so. He grabs the leftovers he had packed from home, and slowly eats at it. He can see in the corner of his eye Ciri playing on her Nintendo switch, murmering something about bells and tarantulas.

He makes a mental note to thank Yennefer and Tissaia for the switch because good Melitele it's been keeping Ciri busy and quiet. Geralt is sure Ciri has something like ADHD because she couldn't keep still, couldn't stay quiet, couldn't not be busy, couldn't stay in the same place for too long.

He remembered the last time he had been to Kaer Morhen, it was with Ciri and Yennefer. Ciri was barely 5, and Yennefer was still youthful and yearning for power. Over the years, the council woman had reigned herself in. He remembered walking onto Kaer Morhen land and Lambert already making a snarky comment about "the bandwagon" he had brought along. And Yennefer had almost ripped out his throat right then and there for daring to imply she was owned by Geralt. It was a sight to see.

What really stuck with him the most after arriving at Kaer Morhen back then was how Vesemir scooped Ciri in his arms, face softer than Geralt had ever seen him since the old man found him. He had bounced Ciri in his arms despite her being 5 and perfectly capable of walking, and made her quiet promises to see the horses.

His old man had a soft spot for her, and he couldn't wait for him to see her, all grown up. 

He finishes up the left overs, and keeps driving. Nothing much happens, but they finally stop at a gas station. Ciri hops out the car with him and rushes into the bathroom, while Geralt looked around the store, bought some sandwiches and some snacks for tomorrow as well. He askes the guy at the till he could use the WiFi and he was pretty sure the man was too afraid to tell him no.

He connects, and immediately opens up the chat room with him and Jaskier. All of the messages that hadn't been sent because of no service suddenly arrive, and Geralt has to take a moment to look through them. 

He notices a photo with Jaskier and Triss leaving the hospital, with the caption "going to court!" at the bottom. There's a couple texts to keep him filled in.

_[J] (sent at 11:03 am) going to go see my lawyer fight against the bail hearing_

_[J] (sent at 13:12 pm) I'm kind of stupid for thinking Feril wasn't going to say anything_

_[J] I know it's been just a day but I already need you_

_[J] miss you* fuck _

_[J] (sent at 14:25 pm) Triss bought me a slice of cake from Merigold to cheer me up :D_

_[image sent] _

It was a picture of the cake, it was a medium slice, with icing on top. It was chocolate, and the caption on the photo said 'my fav cake <3'.

_[J] (sent at 15:30 pm) I know you don't have wifi but_

_[J] message me when you can_

_[J] or call_

_[J] (sent at 16:45 pm) please_

Geralts heart clenches, and he hovers his thumb over the 'call' button. Why was he hesitating? 

Because hes the reason Jaskier is in this mess. 

He, 

He was a bad person. 

He didn't deserve Jaskier, and he didn't want to bother him anymore. He didn't want to trouble him any longer. 

He turns off his phone and tucks it into his pocket. 

Fuck. 

Ciri pats his shoulder when she comes out of the bathroom, smiling at him and he struggles to return the smile, but he does. For her. 

They get back on the car, and Ciri is humming along to some music that Geralt can't be bothered to listen to, so he drowns it out with focusing on the road.

He keeps driving even when he gets tired, he notices Ciri finally quiets down and settles back go sleep in the back of the car. Two more days of travel and they should be at Kaer Morhen.

He settles to stop when his hands are numb and his skin is cold. When he takes his hands off the steering wheel, there's indents and marks on them from gripping the wheel so tightly, but he doesn't pay mind to it.

* * *

The last two days of travel were rinse and repeat, he made Ciri stick to a strict schedule, only stopping for pee-breaks and to get some fresh food. Despite him bringing down some rules, she still seems happy.

They're arriving closer to the Valley of Kaer Morhen, and Geralt can already smell crisp winter air and the smell of wheat. It brings back a lot of nostalgia for him.

They pass a couple of Barns and houses, and Ciri can't help but to point out the odd winter fox. He chuckles, and tells her a story about how Lambert pissed off a fox pack once and got chased by them for a straight week whenever he went outside. That gets a laugh from her, and he feels happy that he's been able to somewhat lighten the mood.

They stop at Kaer Morhens doorstep that afternoon, Eskel and Lambert are waiting for them and cheer when they finally arrive. Ciri rushes to get out of the car and runs to her uncles. 

Geralt watches as Lambert lifts her into the air, and she does a battle cry and he grins, before doing one too. It was their greeting for each other since Ciri was five, because when she first saw him, he was sparing with Coen, a family friend, and had done a war cry before knocking him to the ground. 

Eskel ruffles Ciris hair when Lambert settles her onto the ground, and she grins up at him. His brothers don't hold back on the greetings for him either. Lambert gives him a slap on the bicep, and Geralt punches his arm back. Eskel isn't as afraid of affection like Lambert is and pulls Geralt in for a hug. 

The mercenary takes a moment before hugging back, patting his brothers back before pulling away.

"gonna park that missus somewhere?" Lambert huffs, looking at the car standing at the arch gate of the ranch.

"hm." Geralt huffs, "yeah, in a minute. Can you guys take our bags up to our rooms? And can you take Ciri to her room?" 

His brothers nod, not putting up much of an arguement surprisingly. Eskel takes their bags, while Lambert guides Ciri around the ranch to her room.

Geralt gets back into his car, and sighs, before driving it to the side, and parking it. He glances past the ranch and the house, seeing the path and hike towards the old keep of Kaer Morhen lit up.

Hm. 

Vesemir really was fixing up the place.

He supposed by the end of winter, it would be liveable again. 

He leaves the car for final time that trip, and jogs a little to catch up with his brothers and daughter.

"do you remember me very well?" he could hear a voice ask, he immediately recognised it as Vesemirs voice.

He peers over the corner, and sees Vesemir kneeling to Ciris height, putting his hand out. She takes it slowly.

"kinda" Ciri replies, "I remember potatoes, for some reason, whenever I think of you."

He sees Vesemir cackle a small laugh, "yeah, that would be right, lass. You helped me pick the potatos for that winter years ago."

He decides to walk forward, and join them. Ciri smiles at him, and Vesemir stands back to his regular height.

"Geralt" Vesemir greets, patting him on the shoulder heavily, and Geralt nods slowly, "Kaer Morhen welcomes you back home."

"Ciri should get to bed," he says shortly, "we've been on the road for a while."

"I can imagine." Vesemir nods, and Ciri huffs before walking off to her room.

Geralt rubs his eyes exhaustedly, "my room is the same, right?"

"same way you left it when you last came." Vesemir tilts his head to the corridor where his bedroom was, and Geralt can feel something is wrong, like his old man is bothered, angry with him for some reason.

He doesn't bring it up right now. 

"okay, thanks." he sighs, and Vesemir gives him a pointed look, and he can already feel his body groaning. "God no."

"sorry, boy, only Vesemir. And he says yes." The eldest man huffs, crossing his arms. "drills in the morning, you're slacking."

"you don't know that, I just arrived."

"your posture is shit, young man."

"I have been in a car for four days!" Geralt can't help but throws his arms in the air, and Vesemir still looks unimpressed.

"excuses." Vesemir says strictly, "drills. In. The. Morning. Don't be late."

He watches Vesemir walk off, supposedly to the kitchen, and he spins on his heel when he hears a snicker from behind him. Eskel. 

"ooh boy, I think you pissed him off somehow." the scarred man smirks, "seriously, Lambert and I only do drills every other day now."

"I shouldnt have came here" he sighs softly, rubbing his face.

"now, now," Eskel grins, "we can spar and duel later, when you relax a bit more. Maybe even show your lion cub a little trick or two"

"fuck off, Eskel" He growls, "we can spar after Vesemir stops being pissy. Then I'll relax."

"oof, wouldn't want to insult Vesemir when he's around" Lambert rounds the corner, crossing his arms, "Get some rest, golden boy. I'm gonna wreck you in drills tomorrow."

"you haven't been able to do so since we were three, asshole. Don't get cocky just because I've had a rough year."

"mhm. Yeah, whatever. If I beat your time tomorrow during our drills, you'll do all my chores around the ranch, plus yours." Lambert responds, smirking confidently.

"you're on." Geralt raises an eyebrow, crossing his arms, straightening his shoulders.

Lambert was always competitive, this wasn't new. Geralt always liked beating him, just to bring him down a notch, keep him somewhat humble. 

"well, after your drills tomorrow. We can catch up, aye, brother?" Eskel takes Geralts wrist in his hand gently, squeezing and keeping eye contact. The mercenary could see concern in his brothers eyes.

He nods slowly, and Eskel let's go of his wrist and heads towards his room.

Geralt takes a moment, watching Lambert nod at him before stepping away as well. He breathes in slowly, and breathes out, heading to his room.

His room was used loosely, because he had to share with around 5 other kids when he was younger, but now it was just his room, considering they never visited, or half of them were dead.

He opens the door slowly, chest heavy as he stepped inside. It was exactly how he left it from the last time he visited, Vesemir wasn't lying.

His bag and swords laid by the desk in the corner, and he groans at the thought of having to unpack. He just wanted to sleep, he was exhausted. 

He undressed quickly, boots at the side of his bed, and his clothes folded and settled down. He climbed onto the mattress, and under the covers, his whole body practically yelling in glee at finally having a bed to put his back on after days of sleeping on a stiff car seat.

It doesn't take long for him to fall asleep, and when he does, he dreams of nothing.

* * *

Geralt awakes at sunrise. Its to Lambert knocking on the door quite loudly, and heavy handedly. A growl emits from his throat before he remembers they have drills and he was being challanged.

He slowly gets up, and dresses in appropriate clothes for the drills. He was sure by the end of it, he would be covered and drenched in sweat.

He grabbed his steel sword, and left his room, where he saw Lambert still waiting for him. He gave his younger brother an unimpressed look before they both walked to the courtyard. 

Once immediately arriving to the area, he saw Vesemir, Eskel and even Ciri waiting for them. He narrows his eyes at Eskel, who he suspected woke up Ciri to watch him and Lambert compete. He looks away when Vesemir barks orders for them to start.

They both begin with a quick warm up, before getting down for planks. Geralt makes eye contact with Lambert, who grins at him mischievously.

"you've improved," Geralt murmers, flashing a smirk to his brother, "last time we did planks together, your face was red with strain"

"and yet, I had almost beat you." Lambert replies snarkily, "my best record for planks was an hour. Sure you can keep up?"

"an hour? Easy." Geralt licked his dry lips, and turned his head to face front. He could see Vesemir holding two stopwatches, and his foot tapping impatiently.

Half way through, Ciri groaned loudly, startling practically everyone, except Eskel who sat next to her. 

" this is so boring! You guys are going to do this for like, a straight hour!" she frowns, "I didn't wake up early to see you just plank for an hour! Do something fun, like, I don't know, self-defense or somethin'"

Geralt doesn't falter his plank, he just sighs slightly, "Play on your switch or something till we're done with planks."

"it's all the way in my room, I can't be bothered to go grab it." She rests her chin in the palm of her hand.

"come onto my back" Lambert snickers,"so then you'll have a part of this. You'll make it more difficult for us. And eskel, get onto Geralt."

"That's not fair." Geralt bites, "Eskel is ten times heavier than Ciri."

"hey!" Eskel exclaims, before walking over and sitting on Geralts back, Ciri grins walking over and sitting on Lamberts, cross-legged.

Fuck.

Eskel was heavy. 

Geralt breathed in heavily, blinking a couple times and focusing once more. He glances over at Lambert and Ciri, who were chatting idly to each other, like this was a piece of cake.

"it's been an hour," Vesemir speaks up after some time, "you can tap out now if you so wish."

No way was he letting Lambert beat him, but there was still all the other workouts. He groans quietly, and Eskel looks down at him.

"you don't have to push yourself so hard" Eskel murmers, "it's just drills"

"I am not.. Letting.. Lambert win today. Not ever." He hangs his head low, "fuck, why are you so heavy?"

"this is half my weight, Geralt." His brother chuckles, "oh boy, you are sweating so much you could flood the sahara desert."

"I am going to slap you" He huffs, "after this."

"gonna give up, brother?" Lambert sneers.

"fuck you." Geralt bites the inside of his cheek.

He lasts for another 30 minutes before Lambert taps out, out of boredom. Eskel gets off of him and he falls to the floor, groaning lightly.

"tech- technically, I won." Geralt points out, rolling onto his back and staring at the sky. "you tapped out"

"whatever." Lambert wipes the sweat off his forehead.

"get up." Vesemir orders, and Geralt doesn't need to be told twice. "both of you, run along the fence. You have 30 minutes to do so, and if you are even a minute late, you'll have to do it again in twenty."

Geralt clenches his jaw, and Lambert furrows his brows. 

"what? You never make us do that anymore." His younger brother crosses his arms, "is this because you're pissed at him?" he gestures vaguely at Geralt, "make him do that alone, come on, old man. Give us the normal drills."

"thirty minutes." Vesemir grits, "starting now."

Geralt quickly paces himself, starting the run around fence. The ranch was large, and it was practically impossible to get around it in thirty minutes, even if running. Vesemir knew this, they all did.

He usually made them do this when they were in trouble when they were younger. He remembered once, he had gotten into a fight with one of the older boys and had to run around the whole ranch the entire day until he did it in an hour. He was near collapsing near the end of the day.

Thirty minutes had to be impossible. 

Lambert keeps pace next to him, a sour expression on his face. "that fuck." he curses under his breath.

"just do it. He'll stop being like this after our second lap." he sighs.

"second lap?" Lambert narrows his eyes. "fuck no, he said nothing about a second lap."

"we won't finish on time. He'll make us redo the lap" Geralt gives him a look, "do you know why he's pissed at me?"

"no idea." Lambert shakes his head, "don't stress about it. You just arrived. He'll get over whatever it is."

"hopefully." Geralt mumbles.

They jog till they make it to the courtyard again, Vesemir doesn't look impressed and huffs an order for a second lap. Geralt gives Lambert a knowing look before going along the fence once more. He's breathing in heavily, panting a few times, but keeping pace.

Once the second lap is over, Vesemir tilts his head towards the benches by the side, and Geralt and Lambert both sit down practically in sync, both panting laboriously.

Ciri and Eskel come over with water, and Geralt chugs his cup down, wiping the sweat off his forehead.

"this.. Isn't.. Done." Lambert huffs, "we're going to resume this, I swear. And I will win"

"fuck off." Geralt repeats, gritting his teeth slightly.

The day continues despite the exhaustion in Geralts bones, he helps around the ranch, cleaning up, helping Eskel with his chores once he's finished his own and then going ahead to the kitchen.

He helps with dinner, and sets it up at the table. Mere minutes pass before everyone is digging in, Geralt can see Ciris hesitant hand to reach out for food, but he gives her a encouraging pat. 

"uh, Vesemir, Eskel took the last slice of cinnamon bread." Lambert huffs, glaring at Eskel, who began to put cream cheese on the piece of bread.

"he grabbed it first." Vesemir looks exhausted at the childish bout.

"and I baked it." Eskel smirks, and Ciri smiles.

"you baked it?" she tilts her head, "dad bakes too. He's really good."

Geralts cheeks flush red at the compliment, he never was good at taking them. Eskel smiles back at the girl and laughs,

"well, guess who taught him?" he raises an eyebrow, and Ciri grins wider, eyes widening too in slight surprise.

"enough showing off." Vesemir says and makes a motion for Lambert to pass him the mashed potatos. "stuff your mouths before it's time to head to bed"

Ciri hums, and digs in. Geralt does so too. He blinks when he remembers a tradition here at Kaer Morhen that he had almost forgotten about. 

He leaves some food on the side of his plate before standing from the table silently and taking the leftover food to the stables. Before he leaves, Vesemir gives him a knowing look and slaps Lamberts hand when his brother almost stands to follow him.

He sees new and familiar horses. Roach the second nickers when she sees him and his heart warms when he sees her. He walks to her stable. It was large, and comfy, filled with hay. She sniffs his plate when he brings it up to him.

"For renfri." He picks up one of the leftover roast carrots and Roach the second eats it gingerly.

He picks up another carrot, "and for my fallen brothers."

She eats it from his hand, tongue licking at his palm and he chuckles as it tickles him. He rubs her snout and she let's out a huff.

"still beautiful, even when you're old" He compliments her and she snickers, knocking his arm with her nose. "sorry, sorry, you're not old. I promise."

He ends the night like that, before returning to the house to clean his plate and say goodnight to Cirilla. She's already tucked in though, and whispers to him of a promise to fight with Lambert come morn. He tucks her hair behind her ear and nods, whispering back he was sure she would beat him up real good.

The others seemed to have settled into their rooms as well. 

He goes to his room, and welcomes slumber.

* * *

Jaskier frowned down at his phone, it had said Geralt had read his messages. 

Maybe he was busy and couldn't call. 

Maybe there wasn't well service there.

He shuffled in the hospital bed, tired yet waiting. He had been waiting since he has texted Geralt yesterday for him to call.

He cursed himself, Geralts life didn't revolve around him. He didn't always need to talk to him. But,

What if he had finally gotten tired of him?

Dread settles low in his stomach and he shakes his head. No. Don't be stupid, Jaskier, he chastises himself. He was probably busy.

Yeah. 

Busy.

Yesterday has been eventful compared to today. He had gone with Triss and his Lawyer to speak against the bail hearing for Feril.

It had been rough, Feril had lawyered up and Jaskier was almost terrified at the thought that his lawyers would pass for the bail hearing. The court room had been mostly silent, despite for Ms Thelia, Jaskiers lawyer, providing evidence and reason for Feril to stay in jail till his offical hearing.

But, his lawyers bit back too. Spitting lies, ludicrous lies, and the judge almost looked convinced till Thelia continued with hard, solid evidence, summarising the whole situation strongly.

The gavel was brought down, and bail wasn't set. Jaskier sighed, shoulders slumping with relief and body relaxing. Thelia patted his shoulder, and Jaskier had stupidly spared a glance to the other side of the court room—

Feril was glaring daggers at him, and he couldnt help but flinch once making eye contact. 

"you're dead." Feril had mouthed, before being brought away, and Jaskier had gulped nervously. 

He shook the memory out of his head. Uncertain. Unsafe. 

Uncharacteristically terrified. 

He used to be able to smile in the face of danger, take risks and let his adrenaline run high. But now, well now.. He was exhausted and scared by harsh words and rough hands. 

That wasn't right. 

He wanted to be himself again. He really just wanted to be back to normal. Just wanted to smile genuinely, happily, with the people he loved. 

There's a knock at the door of his private room before a nurse walks in. He slowly looks over at her. 

"Mr Pankratz," she starts, "this isn't any of my business, neither is it my right to tell you what to do but.."

She slowly, as if approaching a frightened creature, settles a pamphlet on his lap. He blinks down at it, picking it up with trembling fingers. 

Therapy.

"me and my co-worker have seen a pattern in your behaviour while you've been staying here. We noticed you've been, uh..dissociating quite a lot." she explains, "Dr Chireadan was the one who recommended I give this to you."

"i.." Jaskier slowly opens up the pamphlet. "yeah, uh, I would be concerned too." he smiles tightly, "I'll look into it, thank you."

The nurse nods, and leaves. 

The pamphlet had some cheesy slogan on the front, that Jaskier snorted at once reading. He looked through it, it was definitely the hospitals therapist. His insurance would cover it if he chooses to take these sessions but..

He'd rather have a therapist that wasn't connected to the hospital, he was assuming the hospital therapist would have files on him from Dr Chireadan, and while that would definitely cut to the chase, he wasn't so comfortable having a stranger know that immediately.

He wasn't going to be too prideful and say no to therapy, because in retrospect, he needed it. But, he wasn't quite sure he was ready for it. Everything was moving too fast right now and once everything calmed down at bit more, once he allowed himself to breathe, he would consider it.

He gently puts the pamphlet on the bedside table, and winced slightly as he leaned back. 

The pain around his body was definitely lessening, but still ached.

Two more weeks, and he could finally get out of the hospital bed for good. He just had to be patient. 


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Geralt confronts Vesemir, sparring style. Lambert opens up and tries to understand. Vesemir admits he isn't the best parent.
> 
> Jaskier's court date is set. Cahir visits. and then Jaskier realises thing will be okay, for now. He learns to take life one step at a time, and enjoys the peace he has now.

"up!" Ciri yells again, "up! Come on!"

Geralt groans sorely, before sitting up. "why are you waking me up so early?"

"I want you to be there for my first spar with Lambert!" she grins, "and its 12! Get up!"

Geralt blinks away sleep, letting Ciri drag him out of bed. "I need to change, cub."

"ugh! Hurry up then!" she leaves the room, and Geralt doesn't waste a second before dressing.

He leaves the room, and Ciri grabs his hand again, pulling him along. Before he knows it, they're in the courtyard and Lambert is stretching.

"little cub! You took long enough. I'll go easy on you" He squats down to her height, sparing Geralt a glance.

"I will gouge your eyes out if you even think about holding back" she bites and Geralt feels pride bubble under his skin.

"oh boy, you surely have a fire in you." Lambert stands back to his original height, "you haven't trained with swords before right? Just self-defense?" at her nod, Lambert continued, "today I'll show you the basics of dueling a sword."

Ciri grinned and Geralt frowned, "Lambert, I dont-"

"we picked up swords when we were barely five, I'm sure Ciri could handle a lesson or two." Lambert gave him a look, "plus, she needs to stab anyone who bullies her, so"

"okay! Enough chatting! Let's start!" Ciri pushes at Lambert quickly, and Geralts brother chuckled.

Geralt sat on the benches on the side of the courtyard, keeping his eyes on Ciris form. The self-defence classes did certainly help. But, Geralt was sure she couldn't compare to Lambert, as much as he hated to admit it; his brother was well with his footwork and sparring.

What surpised him, and Lambert, was when Ciri picked up some gravel on the floor, threw it at Lambert eyes and then charged at him. Geralt couldn't help the grin that grew on his face. Lambert fell to the floor with a 'hmph' and Ciri putting her full weight on him.

Five seconds passed before Lambert pat the ground twice and she got off, grinning with pride.

"you were lucky" Lambert huffed, rubbing his eyes.

"you should keep your eyes a bit more open." Vesemir said, as he walked forward. "Ciri was pushing you closer and closer from the courtyard floor to the path the entire time. She used her surroundings. Good job, lass."

Ciri beams and Geralt got up, walking over and pats her head gently.

"now stop sulking and show her the ropes of using a sword." Vesemir ordered, giving Lambert a smirk. "the training swords are over there."

"I haven't held one of these in a while." Geralt walked over to them, picking up one of the wooden swords.

"you won't be using a wooden one today, boy." Vesemir crosses his arms, "where is your sword? Have you been taking care of it? Sharpening it?"

Geralt clenched his jaw. "of course."

"don't lie to me."

".. Not as much as I used to." He huffed. "it doesn't see much action anymore anyways."

"go get it. Now." His elder ordered, and Geralt huffed, nodding before rushing to the ranch house to his room.

He picks up his sheathed sword, it was hand-made and the best quality of steel. Vesemir had given it to him before he left Kaer Morhen. It was something he did for everyone of his students.

But his felt special. Maybe he was just being sentimental.

He slowly left his room with his blade, returning it the courtyard to see Lambert showing Ciri the stances she should be keeping.

He looked around, unable to see Vesemir. 

"fuck."

He immediately unsheathed his sword, holding it tightly. Lambert met his eyes and instantly brought Ciri to the side by the benches. 

Footsteps behind him.

He twisted around, bringing his steel up just in time to clash with Vesemirs blade. 

"you're losing your touch, old man. I could hear you from a mile away" perhaps, provoking Vesemir while he was already pissed at him wasn't the best thing to do.

"I'm losing my touch?" Vesemir pressed forward, glaring at Geralt. "you're one to talk."

Geralt took a step back, speedily ducking down as Vesemir slashed forward. He stood once more, parrying the new blow by holding his sword vertically. Swiftly, he side stepped, eyes flickering down to Vesemirs footwork.

Perfect, like always. 

"you're lacking!" Vesemir scolds, "sloppy footwork," He presses forward and Geralt almost stumbles, "a rough year is not an excuse!"

"is this what this is about?" Geralt hisses, striking forward. "upset I finally formed my own life? Or are you glad it fell to shit, so I—" he rushes forward, "would come back to this shit show again?"

"you know thats not the case, boy." Vesemir tangles his foot behind Geralts, knocking him down. "I was there for you when you called. I helped you."

"then what is this about?!" Geralt yelled, glaring up at Vesemir, "as soon as I stepped foot on this fucking ranch, you've been an asshole. Give me a reason. Fucking tell me!"

Vesemir looked outraged. Geralt got up, gripping his sword tightly.

"I'm done." he dropped the steel blade onto the ground, rushing a hand through his hair and storming away, refusing to look at Lambert and Ciris shocked faces.

He walked until he found himself at the keep of Kaer Morhen, the fortress. He hadn't even realised he had walked so far.

He slowly opened the large gate, and slipped inside. Shoulders slumping, Geralt looked around. Vesemir really was fixing up the place, it barely looked like how he remembered it from when he was a kid.

He walked along the North Wall till he found himself by the ruined stables. He guessed Vesemir hadn't touched this part yet. His hands skimmed over the old splintered wood and stopped at some carvings in the oak.

It was lines, once reaching four along side each other, a long fifth line crossed them all. Geralt vaguely remembered making these markings.

They were the days of how long he'd been at Kaer Morhen. He hoped to have stopped them when Visenna would come and pick him up, take him home, a stupid fucking dream, he curses.

He remembered being beat for getting caught doing these carving. It wasnt Vesemir. He would never beat any of the boys, just give them lectures, hit their hands or give them laps to do. But he would never hurt them, never like that.

Vesemir always looked out for the boys, in some sort of way. 

Geralt closes his eyes tightly, cursing under his breath. 

Vesemir was just concerned. He just sucks at showing it. But the last thing Geralt needed was punishment for having a bad year, for being _human._

He didn't even understand what Vesemirs problem was, the man had always helped Geralt through his attacks, Vesemir was always there, always said it was okay to call him, to let him know he needed the support. 

But, 

Maybe it wasn't. 

Maybe Vesemir was finally sick of it, trying to make him realise that he's being a burden. 

The realisation stung. 

A hand clasps his shoulder and Geralt has to still himself to refrain from flinching. He looks over his shoulder and sees Lambert, surprisingly.

He had expected Eskel, or even Vesemir to come up to calm him. 

His brother grabbed him and guided him towards the stairs to the wall, and once they finished climbing, Lambert tilted his head towards the view. It definitely was awe inspiring. A view of the valley, he could see the entire ranch and farm perfectly from up here.

"I.." Lambert huffs, "come here a lot when I need to calm down."

"hm."

Geralt tears his eyes away from the view to look at Lambert. His brother looked so vulnerable right now, he had never seen him so relaxed.

"i don't know much about what you went through, don't know much about PTSD n shit." Lambert continues, "but I know one thing. You're my brother. The brother that made it his aim to keep challenging me. To make me strong. So."

Lambert looks unsure, "just how you helped me with my problems, with my.. Outbursts and..hm..tantrums, y'know. I'm going to be there and help you with this."

"that's the kindest thing I've ever heard you say."

"its not like your vocabulary is much bigger." Lambert snarks back, "you and your hmm and annoying grunts."

They're quiet for a moment after that before Lambert speaks up again,

"eskel knows all about this stuff, and so does the old man. Nobody ever bothered to teach me about disorders and mental illness. The only thing I ever knew about it was.." Lambert meets Geralts eyes, "well, my dad. Before Vesemir found me. That old bastard was a mirror image of me, and Vesemir used to compare me to him all the time before I told him to fucking stop it"

"I don't, I.." Geralt murmers, "Vesemir's only told me a little about your family."

"it wasn't much of a family. Not like this place." Lambert breathes in heavily, "my bastard dad, let's not sugar-coat it, was an abusive prick, you see. Had some serious anger issues." his brother takes a moment, "like me."

"ah." Geralt can't help but whisper. "I see."

"and, I think.." Lambert looks away from Geralt, "the reason I was such a prick, a downright dick, to you when you first told us you thought you had some serious problems; was because I already had this bad image in my head about people with... 'problems' that I didn't want my older brother to have those problems."

Geralt doesn't know what to say.

"yourself included..?" Geralt croaked out.

"oh hell yeah, I have some serious problems. It's a whole other fuckin' thing" he jokes nonchalantly.

"no, uh, when you said you had a bad image of people with these problems.. So to say." Geralt didn't quite know how he felt using the word problems, but it's what Lambert seemed to be comfortable using. He didn't want to make his brother back off after opening up. "I mean, yourself included?"

Lambert clenches his fists, "you know, Eskel has some problems about his scars. Vesemir has problems about all the boys that died here." he sighs, "and I have my problems. That's my point. You will always be allowed to be yourself here. I want to help. And so does Eskel and Vesemir."

He dodged the question, Geralt notes. 

"thanks, 'Bert." the Mercenary pulls his brother into a hug, it was uncharacteristic for both of them. But neither of them push away. "for, fuck, opening up. And for calming me down in your own way."

"yeah." Lambert pats Geralts back before pulling away, with much hesitance.

"I just.." Geralt closes his eyes, "Vesemir is being a real dick."

"he's super pissed off by the way. You insulted him to his face, that's the one thing I told you not to do on your first day back"

"I lived here for eight-teen years before I left, Lambert. I know not to curse infront of Vesemir. I was just pissed."

"enjoy that fuckin' lecture when we get back."

"thanks so much." He says sarcastically, rolling his eyes and huffing.

"no but seriously." Lambert shakes his head, "Vesemir has been acting up a lot more than usual. Eskel apparently saw a letter arrive a day before you come here? That was the start of his bad mood."

"so what? He's taking out his anger on me? What did the letter say?"

"do I fuckin know, Geralt? Am I all seeing?" Lambert crosses his arms, "don't be a fucking moron. Ask the old man yourself or ask Eskel."

Sometimes Lambert could be a prick. Some times he could be good-hearted.

Rarely both.

And yet, here they were. 

"Lets head back down, I'm sure Vesemir is showing Ciri your baby pictures or somethin' really damn embrassing." Lambert slaps his elbow, before making his way down the steps again.

Geralt follows silently. 

When they make it down to the ranch, Vesemir is waiting patiently, he gives Lambert the look that everyone collectively knows as 'do your chores' before giving a hardened look to Geralt.

"Vesemir." He begins, looking at the ground briefly, "let's talk."

"I believe we have some talking to do, yes." Vesemir nods, and despite his rough voice, Geralt can see concern in his eyes.

"i don't know what's going on." Geralt huffs, and remembered Triss' advice from a while ago, communication is key. "but I know you're frustrated with me for some reason. I'm sick of you putting your anger onto me when I've barely been here for two days."

"hm." Vesemir keeps eye contact, and Geralt clenches his jaw and continues.

"you've been picking at everything I do, how I do my chores around the ranch, etcetera. And it ends tonight. Just come clean about what's bothering you." Geralt demands, and Vesemir raises an eyebrow, before grabbing Geralts arm and pulling him aside from the courtyard.

"I got a letter two days ago." Vesemir begins, "from a friend of yours."

"elaborate."

"a letter from one Master Irion." He crosses his arms, and Geralt furrows his eyebrows.

That name was familiar. 

Irion, Irion.. 

Where had he heard that name before. 

Stregobor. It was an alias of his. 

"his word is useless, that bastard." Geralt clenches his fists, "what did the letter say?"

"that he needs the brooch of a girl named Renfri or else he'll take action" Vesemir rubs his eyes, "this is what emotional connection leads to, Geralt. Trouble. I have taught you countless times over these years to not have sentitment for anything or anyone but family."

"Stregobor won't get her fucking brooch." He rolls his eyes, "that old fucker knows better to stay away. He's bluffing."

"that not my problem here. You've forgotten all the lessons I taught you. You've lost yourself." Vesemir pokes his finger in Geralts chest. "this is unacceptable—"

"so what are you going to do? Hm?" Geralt growls, "my life has moved past Kaer Morhen. I have a daughter. I have a job."

"boy, don't you dare tell me that." Vesemir snarls, "im reaching my old age, and I still have Kaer Morhen in my veins. You will too, till the day you die."

"you're afraid." Geralt chuckles, staring into Vesemir eyes. "that I'm going to move on. Move past this wretched place."

"this place raised you—"

"No! This place fucking traumatised me!" Geralt gestures to the courtyard, chuckling hysterically. "You think Kaer Morhen is so great, but let me tell you, Vesemir. Whenever I think about this place, I don't think about only the good times. The fucking horrid memories linger too!"

"Geralt."

"I stare at Ciri when she's wrestling or training with Lambert and I think about how I was in her place and when I fucked up, I was punished. For being a kid who wasn't a natural at what-fucking-ever bullshit drills the mentors here made us boys do."

"Geralt—"

"no. This will be my last winter here, because I'm sick of this." He grits his teeth, "I swear to god—"

"boy! Turn around!" Vesemir interrupts, glaring at him before letting his gaze fall behind Geralt.

The mercenary turns around, eyes wide as he sees Ciri behind him, holding a wooden sword, looking upset. 

"i-" She begins, "why.. I don't--I don't want this to be our last winter here." she sniffs, "im gonna miss Uncle Lambert and Uncle Eskel and- and I like..."

"baby girl.." Geralt gets on one knee to match her height, putting a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I was just mad. This won't be our last winter."

"but- but this place has bad memories for you." She frowns, "you won't want to come back here."

"hm." Geralt bites his lip, closing his eyes momentarily, nerves calming down. "you know how you have bad memories of capital Cintra?"

"yeah..?"

"but we still visit every new year's, don't we?"

"yeah."

"because, even though you have bad memories, there's still plenty of good ones. And.. Sometimes, when you're overwhelmed, the bad ones seem gigantic, and make you forget about all the good ones. That what happened to me. I promise, we'll come back next winter. "

"really?" she wipes her eyes dry, smiling slightly. "I just don't want to lose another place-"

"Shh. I promised, didn't I?" he smiles at her, although not relaxed, it's slightly strained. "Vesemir and I are just having a bit of a spout. We'll talk it out. Or fight it out"

At that she pouts before smiling again, and nods. "sorry I started crying."

"it's okay." His eyes soften as she smiles, giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze. "go train with.." he looks over her shoulder, and sees Eskel waiting patiently. "eskel again. Vesemir and I will prepare dinner together and talk while we do so"

"okay!" she nods, before turning around and running back to Eskel.

He turns back to Vesemir, and the silence is thick. Vesemir looks uncertain, and.. Guilty. Geralt frowns, waiting.

"I..am not the perfect parent. No mentor who had worked here was." He begins slowly, "we certainly shouldn't have been allowed to treat you, and the other boys the way we did."

"hm."

"I'm not saying you have to love Kaer Morhen. But..its important to remember that this place.., has a place in you." he sighs, "and I understand if, when you look at this place, you remember bad memories, boy. I wouldn't put it past you."

"well, you were kinda the nicer mentor around so." Geralt let's his shoulders drop, "you were there for me, and the others. Even if you did still punish us."

"I had my ups and my downs, I admit." Vesemirs lips form a tight line as he admits it, and Geralt blinks. Vesemir rarely admitted he was ever in the wrong. "you boys deserved better than anyone could give."

"Well.." He smiles, "at least you didn't abandon me on the road, hm?"

"definitely thought about it once or twice" Vesemir smirked, patting Geralts shoulder. "you're certainly turning out to be a better parent that I was"

"Ciri is.. special. If I had a brat like Lambert, oh boy." Geralt makes a face. "anyways, let's make dinner, old man."

* * *

"Mr Pankratz," Ms Thelia began, walking into the hospital room holding a red folder, putting it down on the over-bed table and opening it up. "the court has fixed a date for the hearing. If things are complicated, I believe the trial will last up to 4 days. If things go as planned, two days will be enough."

"knowing my luck, things will fuck up" Jaskier sighs, before smiling. "what's this?" he gestures to the file.

"a contract between you and Mr Feril Belliguard." she frowns, "I did some digging, and found it, did you know you practically signed your life away to him?"

"I didn't read all 34 pages of the contract. Just the end paragraph." Jaskier admits, "34 pages is a shit ton. I was like 19 when we met, and fell for every word he said."

"I can tell." She sighs, "this contract is complicated, but had a lot of loopholes we can use to our advantage."

"uh, explain?"

"it expired last month, so legally, we can now use this in court. Some of the stuff in this" she pokes the file, "is completely immoral and disregards your health and safety. Especially your human rights."

"basically I signed not only my voice away to him, but, quite literally, my life?"

"yes." she gives him a look, "in two years of knowing him, you didn't take an evening to properly read this?"

"didn't care to." He whispers, "fuck, thats twisted."

"Mr Belliguard could be much, much worse than we expected." she frowns, and turns the file around to read from it. "the agreeing participant may not take Belligaurd to court if they are injured in studio. The agreeing participant will not take Belligaurd to court if they supposedly see Belligaurd handling illegal substances."

Jaskier frowns, "okay. Fuck. Continue?"

"the agreeing participant may not share information concerning this contract to anyone outside of Belligaurds contacts, if they do so, legal action will be taken."

Jaskier frowns, "shady, okay, uh, I think that's enough. I get it."

"there are 34 pages of this, Mr Pankratz. Thirty-four pages! Do you even know half the stuff in here?" She closes the file, "next time you sign a contract. Call. Me. I will not repeat myself."

"okay, okay, sorry."

"for god-sakes. You could have signed away the Pankratz fortune to Belligaurd."

"i get it!" Jaskier rolls his eyes, "will you be showing this to the court?"

"definitely, especially considering this contract is now invalid." She picks up the folder again. "beginning Monday, Mr Belligaurd will be held to trial."

"oh," Jaskiers chest is tight, with a feeling he isn't quite familiar with. Relief, maybe?

He's just, so, so fucking happy to be one step closer to this all being over. 

"thank you, Ms Thelia." He nods at her, as she leaves, she nods back and gives him her farewell.

He fiddles with his blanket for a moment, bored. He takes out his phone, and frowns as Geralt still hasn't messaged him back, or called. 

_[J] hope you're okay_

_[J] seriously missing you_

_[J] if I could, I'd come to Kaer Morhen to see you_

_[J] the court trial has been set_

_[J] sorry, you probably don't care_

_[J] too busy? _

_[J] it's ok_

_[J] just hmu when you can ok? _

_[J] can't wait to hear all about Kaer Morhen. _

Jaskier pauses, frowning at himself, was he being clingy?

_[J] I'm sorry_.

He puts down his phone, staring at it for a moment, as if expecting Geralt to reply in the next couple of seconds. Once a good minutes passes, he sighs and tucks it back into his pocket.

The day isn't as eventful as the last couple of days with Triss, he knew she wouldnt be visiting today. She was busy, and he couldn't put it past her for looking after herself. He hadn't expected any company today, even his lawyers visit had been surprising.

It was nearing the end of the visiting hours when Cahir walked into the room, and Jaskier had been more than surprised, quickly setting down his book. 

"Jaskier" Cahir greets, smiling. "I found out from Triss you're here, was beginning to get concerned about you" 

"awwh, you care." Jaskier joked, grinning, "sit down." 

Cahir sat down quickly before opening up the bag he had brought along, and taking out a rectangular plastic box, handing it to Jaskier. 

The singer took a second before opening up the plastic box, "oh, macaroons? Thank you so much, how did you know I love these?" 

Cahir smirked and shrugged, "lucky guess?" 

"definitely" Jaskier took the strawberry macaroon out of the container, and ate it in one bite, giving a cheeky smile to Cahir. 

"so, do you know when they're releasing you?" Cahir tilts his head, and Jaskier quickly finished chewing the macaroon.

"umm," he swallows, "a week, or sooner."

"good" the agent nods, humming, "hopefully sooner so you can come to my goodbye party"

"what?" Jaskier raised an eyebrow.

"I'm heading back to my home town. The contract I have here just wrapped up." Cahir explains, "we can still text and call, but I miss my home"

"yeah, I get it. Sometimes I miss Lettenhove" Jaskier smiles awkwardly, "im gonna miss talking to you face to face though."

"i'll visit often, promise." Cahir earnestly put a hand over his heart, a gentle expression on his face. It was the most vulnerable Jaskier had ever seen him. He was always a lot more closed off.

"c'mere. I like to take a shit ton of photos with my friends. Especially when I'll rarely see them." Jaskier shuffles, patting the edge of the hospital bed.

Cahir awkwardly got up and sat on the edge, as Jaskier pulled out his phone again. Jaskier put his cheek against Cahirs shoulder, putting up a peace sign and making a cute face before taking a load of photos. He quickly sends them to Cahirs text chat so then the agent would have them too.

"say," Cahir began, "would you ever want to come on a trip with me? You could invite some other friends too. It would just be nice."

"yeah, but I don't think I'm going to be moving a lot for a while." Jaskier gestures to his ribs. "its been a couple days but these still hurt like a bitch."

"oh." Cahir nods, "of course, I know. I meant in the future. When I visit."

"oh? Then definitely, sure." Jaskier grins, "it would be so fun. Where would we go? What would we do?"

Cahir laughed, "calm down. We have ages to plan."

"I know, I know. Im just excited. What about a hiking trip? Or maybe we could save up to go abroad? I hear Redania is nice a certain time of year. Or maybe the countryside?" Jaskier rambles, making wild gestures with his hands.

They chatter and laugh together for what feels like hours, Jaskier doesn't even realise it. There's a warm feeling in his chest, something that bursts life into his eyes and joy into his laugh, and he's never felt so.. Free.

It's freeing to hang out with a friend without the dread of going home and being in trouble for doing so breathing down his neck. 

Suddey everything fits into place and Jaskier can feel it, see it. How things will be okay. They will be.

The danger is gone, for now. 

And for now, he could enjoy this peace. 

Why live in fear of danger and let the peace go to waste?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As someone who grew up in a abusive home, I wanted to write Geralts view on Kaer Morhen how I viewed my home growing up. I had my bad memories, and I had my good.
> 
> I apologise if anyone disliked how I had Geralt deal with Vesemir and how I made Geralt speak of Kaer Morhen. People's experiences are different. I just project mine onto the character I'm writing. 
> 
> Vesemir is not the perfect parent. He definitely wasn't healthy, while not absolutely outright violent, not good. I'm not going to present him as such. But he is trying to fix what damage he had done in the past. 
> 
> Thank you for reading this chapter :)


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Geralt and his family celebrate Christmas. 
> 
> Jaskier doesn't plan to celebrate, feeling down, till his friends pop in. They share stories, small arguements happen but it's all in good heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over all just a shit ton of fluff this chapter :) ik it's not Christmas irl, but I love writing Christmas chapters and stuff so.
> 
> Enjoy!

When Geralt wakes up the next day, its to a cool breeze shifting through the air. He blinks awake, and sits up. He glances at the clock next to his bed and refrains from groaning. 

His sleep schedule was not well. And if he was right, 

Today was Christmas. 

He hadn't been paying attention, the last 7 days going by as a blur. He shakes off sleep and stands, throwing on a sweater and a pair of jeans. Christmas day was the one day Vesemir didn't make them do their usual drills, especially when they were younger.

Considering they were much older now, Geralt and the others were expected to help around. He left his room in his socks, looking around as he tied up his hair in a ponytail, he was slightly startled to see Eskel and Lambert carrying a medium sized tree into the lounging room.

"hope we didn't wake you" Eskel grins, "merry christmas"

"I never understood why you get so happy on christmas" Geralt sighed, "it's 4 am, did Vesemir make you guys get up extra early?"

"no, this is our own plan." Lambert rumbles, eyes cast downward. "every Christmas for the last eleven years, Vesemir gets up at one am and gets everything ready so it's perfect."

"Lambert wanted the old man to relax" Eskel explains, and Geralt watches as Lambert glares at Eskel and whispers,

"you weren't supposed to tell anyone!" He grits, just as they settle the tree into its metal holder, making sure it was secure.

There are footsteps coming down the stairs and all three of the men hear them. Geralt watches as Lambert and Eskel panic, it's almost comical watching them stumble around, flustered. 

"boys? What are you doing up so early?" Vesemir walks in, eyes scanning around the room.

"oh boy," Geralt smirks, "it seems 'Bert and Esk have a surprise for you." he slides to the side and reveals the tree, and Eskel and Lambert pushing at each other.

"you boys cut down a tree?" Vesemir squints, walking over.

"uhh," Eskel splutters, "ye-es?"

Vesemir takes a moment, before suddenly bending over laughing. All three men glance at each other as their father-figure wipes off faux tears from the corners of his eyes.

"I use a fake tree every Christmas, oh boy, I guess this year is just a bit more authentic, huh?" Vesemir chuckles, watching as Lambert furrowed his eyebrows and Eskel begins to hold back laughter at their youngest brother's confusion. Geralt can't help but to chuckle too.

"what?" Lambert frowns, "the fuck? So, you're tellin' me, that every tree you've brought here for Christmas was fake?"

Vesemir pats Lambert shoulder, "I mean, yes? Do you think me young and youthful enough to go out every christmas morning and chop down a tree all by myself?" the corners of Vesemir eyes crinkle as another laugh threatens to bubble out. "it took two of you to get this small fella in here." Vesemir pokes the very real, very non-plastic tree.

Geralt would never have ever thought he would see Lambert look so red and embarrassed, a year ago he would not have expected to see his toughnut brother stomp out of the room with his face red and head in hands. He would have never thought he would see Eskel and Vesemir hold each other as they laughed so hard they almost collapsed.

A year ago he wouldn't have believed it. 

It takes 17 minutes exactly for Eskel and Vesemir to stop laughing and for Lambert to come back and chuck boxes into their hands. Geralt let's Lambert shovel a box full of Christmas lights that are absolutely tangled into his hands. 

"we're fuckin decorating this house in the next two hours." Lambert puts his foot down. "Geralt, Christmas lights. Old man, the tree. Eskel? Deck the halls or I'll deck you. Chop chop."

Geralt sits down, and begins untangling the lights, he watches as Vesemir opens up the cardboard box Lambert handed him and decorates the tree. He watches Eskel pick through the decorations in his box. Lambert sits next to him after starting the fireplace, grumbling as he helped Geralt untangle the Christmas lights. 

"why are you so excited for this Christmas, hm?" Geralt askes his brother, "you never cares about it before. If I recall correctly, every christmas you would head into your room and pretend you weren't facetiming—"

"He's coming today, okay?" Lambert looks up, face still red from earlier. "Aiden."

"I see." Geralt chuckles. "when was the last time you saw him? You better not keep us up tonight. I do not want Ciri hearing that shit"

"I will kick you in the balls, Geralt. If you don't shut the fuck up and untangle." Lambert threatens, and speeds up his hands.

"hm." The mercenary hums, silently looking down and untangling the fairy-lights.

Eskel leaves the room, carrying the boxes up to his chest as he does so. Geralt can vaguely hear his brother hum a tune he doesn't recognise, but doesn't pay much attention to it.

He couldn't help but let his thoughts wander. When was the last time he was this content? This happy?

He felt at home, and he didn't want this feeling to disappear. If he could, he would stay here all year. But Ciri needed to socialise, and she needed to see Yennefer. He wasnt going to be selfish. Maybe he could compromise, maybe come to Kaer Morhen with Ciri during school breaks. It would be nice.

He wondered what Yennefer was up to, what Triss was doing, if she was keeping shop up during Christmas? What was Jaskier up to—

Oh shit, Jaskier.

He hadn't checked his phone since he basically mentally agreed that he would disconnect from the singer, for the younger man's own good. He knew Jaskier was still in the hospital, and worry began to eat at him. Did Jaskier have anyone to spend Christmas with?

He should call but, he- he was one of the main reasons Jaskier was in all this trouble. The singer probably hated his guts—

"Geralt, douche." Lambert stands, "we've untangled them all, come on. Let's hang them up."

Geralt blinks silently before nodding, standing and following his brother to the outside. He hands Lambert the fairy-lights he was holding and quickly grabbed the folded up ladder by the side of the ranch House. He carries it back to the front and unfolds it.

"i'll hang them up, just keep handing me the lights." Geralt tells Lambert, grabbing the first line of Christmas lights and climbing up the ladder steadily.

It takes a while, but after some hard work, all the lights are up and working. When they enter the house again, the halls are decorated and candles are lit, the smell of pine and cinnamon attacks Geralts nose as soon as he steps inside. The tree is also done and when he and Lambert step into the living room, Vesemir and Eskel are talking together. They're sat next to the fireplace and it looks personal, Geralt notices. But apparently Lambert doesn't.

When his brother tries to approach the two, Geralt doesn't hesitate to grab the back of his collar and pull him into another room, the kitchen. 

"if you want to impress your boyfriend so much, maybe showing off your cooking skills would do it." Geralt sighs, "do you know how to make pie?"

"I don't bake."

"it's relaxing. You should try it with me today. Right now." Geralt grabs two aprons from the hangers at the side of the kitchen and throws one to Lambert.

As he's putting on his own apron, Eskel comes into the kitchen with two mugs, and starts washing them.

"Esk'" Lambert pouts at Eskel, "can you take my place? Geralts trying to make me a housewife"

"you? A house wife?" Eskel chuckles, "Geralt, Lambert tried making scrambled eggs two weeks ago and almost burnt down the kitchen. It's best we switch."

Geralt nods slowly, watching as Lambert hands Eskel the apron and walks away quickly. Eskel soon steps next to him by the counter, smiling. 

They begin their dough respectively, somehow deciding to make two pies without communicating it.

"you and Vesemir seemed serious earlier" Geralt begins, "what were you talking about?" 

"oh, just some stuff about therapy." Eskel pours the flour, sugar and salt into his bowl, his expression netural. 

"I don't need therapy." Geralt huffs, defensive. It felt like Eskel was hinting he needed therapy. He didn't, he was perfectly fucking fine—

"not everything is about you, Brother." Eskel sighs, incorporating the butter into his dry mixture slowly. "Vesemir noticed I was staring at my scars for a bit too long last night. Started lecturing me about my health this morning. One thing led to another, and we agreed maybe some online therapy might be good for me" 

"oh." Geralt feels guilty, cringing at the awkward silence that fills the air as they both begin to kneed their doughs. 

"you know, it doesn't make you invalid for taking help?" Eskel tells him softly. "I'm not going to push you to take help, nor am I going to lecture you. I'm just going to make it simple. Taking help doesn't make you weak."

Geralt doesn't reply, sighing through his nose as he put his dough back into the bowl and covered it with a tea towel. He sets the bowl to the side and goes to the stove, taking out a steel pot.

"we harvested all the apples from the acre during early winter. They're in the pantry." Eskel tells him, "you always make apple pie. Why not try cherry?"

"I hate cherries." Geralt waves his hand in the air in dismissal, and heads into the pantry. There, was a large basket filled with apples. Geralt picked up four medium sized ones and returned to the counter. There, he saw Eskel already making his cherry filling.

He made haste, cutting up the apples, peeling them, and then pouring them into his steel pot, before putting in just enough water to cover them. He turns the stove on, before pouring in two cups of sugar, half a block of butter and two cinnamon sticks.

"woah! It smells amazing in here!" Ciri says from the doorway, rubbing her eyes.

"good morning" Geralt smiles at her, "sit down in the living room, I'll bring you a bowl of cereal."

Ciri nods, and turns around, making her way into the living room. Geralt finds the cereal in the cupboards and pours her a quick bowl with some milk, and brings it to her. She smiles at him, before eating.

"everyone seems lively" She comments, "I mean, more than normal."

"Lambert's excited his boyfriend is coming over, and Vesemir always seemed to like Christmas." Geralt shrugs. "want to help out in the kitchen after you finish eating, or do you want to go shower and spar with Lambert a bit?"

"I'll spar with Lambert after I shower." She nods, eating another spoonful of cereal.

Geralt nods and heads back into the kitchen, stirring the apples occasionally. When they're softened, he pours cornstarch mixed with water into the apple filling and stirs for a bit longer before covering it and letting it cool.

He watches Eskels cherryfilling come along, and how the man pours his filling into a mason jar and seals it up before popping it into the fridge.

By the time Geralts filling had finished cooling, it's 11 am. He checks the dough, and decides to let it rise for another hour and covers it again.

When he heads out to the courtyard, he sees Lambert guiding Ciris body to the correct stance, and helping her hold the wooden sword correctly. Everyone has a different fighting style, and Geralt could see Lambert was definitely showing her his way of using a sword. If he was the one teaching her, he would teach her the way the mentors taught him.

Without, y'know, the punishment for not getting it immediately.

"seriously, Lambert really loves that kid" Eskel steps out, watching the Ciri as well. "I think he really connects with her."

"she likes him too. They're exact opposites though, it's almost odd." geralt shrugs.

"I wouldn't say exact opposites. They have their similarities. They both have a fire in them." Eskel bumps his elbow onto Geralts, smiling. "you promised me we would spar. How about now? Let's give Ciri and Lambert a bit of a show"

"oh, you are on." Geralt smirks, raising an eyebrow. He heads back into the house, puts on his combat boots and grabs his sword before walking back to the courtyard.

Eskel is there, patiently waiting. He's showing his sword to Ciri, who struggles to refrain from touching it. Even from the distance, Geralt could tell Eskel kept it in good condition.

"if I win," He speaks up, catching Eskels attention, "you'll do my drills on my behalf and do my chores for two days."

Eskel smirks, "and if you lose, you're on dung duty and will do my drills for two days."

"oof, dung duty." Lambert comments, biting into a piece of jerky, "the cattle shit a ton during winter. I think its something we feed em."

Geralt chuckles, and unsheathes his sword, and Eskel gets into his stance. They round each other for a good minute before Geralt makes the first move — striking forward, fast and heavy. Eskel parrys the blow quickly, shifting his feet below him to keep in place steadily. Geralt hears Ciri cheer by the benches, but keeps his eyes on Eskel. He's forced back once his brother lifts his knee and counters him in the chest, pushing him back.

Eskel shows off, counterstriking just as strong, yet swiftly, light handed and relaxed with his sword. It seemed like first nature for him. Geralt can't help but grin as their swords clash together and his brother does his best to push him down, and back. Geralt does his best not to budge, but Eskel is stronger at the angle they're currently in. The gravel at the back of Geralt feet build up as he tries to dig the foot into the ground. 

The gravel! 

Geralt quickly steps back, and instantly ducks down when Eskel strikes forward, before getting up again and using his sword to bring the gravel into Eskels face. The action causes a small grey puff of cloud to appear and Eskel has to take a moment to blink the gravel and dirt out of his eyes, rubbing them and stumbling back slightly. 

Geralt takes his chance, throwing Eskel to the ground with his shoulder to his brothers chest, before putting the tip of his sword to Eskels throat. He hears more cheering from the benches as the pinned man taps the ground twice, in defeat. 

The mercenary chuckles as he helps Eskel up, patting his brothers shoulder as he rubs his eyes vigorously. 

"quite a show." Vesemir comments, unable to push down the smile that forms on his face. "you did well, the both of you. I'm proud of what strong men you've become." 

Lambert and Ciri approach, "Aye, what about me, old man?" 

"you're more bratty and stubborn than you are strong, Lambert." Vesemir replies, chuckling as Geralt and Eskel throw their heads back and laugh. 

"that was so cool!" Ciri exclaims, "look! I recorded it all!" she puts up her phone to show it to Eskel and Geralt. "I'm sending it to mum and Jaskier, and Triss too! They all need to see how awesome you are." 

"Ciri!" Geralt exclaims, flustered. "dont–" 

"too late!" She grins cheekily, tapping down on her phone. "its been sent."

Geralt sighs, cheeks flushed red from the spar and at the compliments, "fuck." 

* * *

Jaskier had spent most of the day helping around the children's ward in the hospital, considering he was not allowed to leave the hospital unless absolutely necessary. While his throat was still recovering, he pushed himself and even sang some Christmas songs for the kids, before settling them down to have lunch. 

It was when one of the nurses approached him and asked him to return to bed, that he gave in and did so. He was tired of sitting around all day. His body itched to go out, have fun, anything.

He hadn't had any visitors since Cahir, yesterday. But he couldn't blame his friends. They all had their own lives, their families, they couldn't drop everything for him. 

It was getting to the point of being so, isolated and bored that he considered calling his family back in Lettenhove just for a little socialisation. Even if it was going to be stiff conversations.

A ping from his phone catches his attention and he takes it out, it was a message from ciri. A video. He clicks on it, confusion slowly fading away as he watched in awe of Geralt and who he assumes was his brother sword fighting. It was graceful in its own way, and Jaskier couldn't tear his eyes away from the video till it ended. He sent a quick text of 'that was so cool!' but doesn't get a reply.

He wondered if Kaer Morhen was lively during Christmas, if Geralt was happy, and if they were settling in well.

The Pankratz winter vacation house was a huge cottage in the woods, by a large lake. It was always scenic and calming whenever Jaskier had went with just his mother. He wondered if his father and sisters had gone this winter. He knew they went to their summer house by the coast earlier this year, he had seen his older sisters photos on Instagram, and at the time he couldn't help but feel jealous. The summer house by the coast was his favourite place.

He sounded so spoilt right now. 

He had to be grateful for what he had. Even if he didn't have the many Pankratz vacation homes, or the huge mansion back at Lettenhove. He still had a roof over his head, money to keep it there and food provided for him. So what if he couldn't celebrate Christmas like he usually did?

Atleast he was safe, and warm and fed. Atleast he wasn't homeless anymore or with Feril.

He didn't even need to celebrate. Today could be a normal day. Like any other.

He didn't even like christmas that much. Especially not growing up. His father would get them expensive gifts that had no meaning behind them, give Jaskier a brief pat on the back then head back into his office and if he was lucky, the old man would stick around for dinner.

Bitterness strikes in him and he curses himself for it, why was he jealous? Who was he jealous of?

Geralt? For having a family that actually cared about him?

What the fuck was wrong with him? Couldn't he just be happy for him.

Suddenly all that talk of being happy for what he had was gone, instead was bitterness and gripping self-loathing for being so selfish that he actually was jealous of Geralt. He had enough.

Why wasn't this enough?

This had to be enough. He wasn't going to get anything more. He had to learn to make peace with what he had. Take ease that life was different for everyone and so what if he didn't have anyone to celebrate with?

Fuck Christmas anyways. 

The nurse comes in for her usual rounds with Jaskier, and when she walks in; the singer is already taking off his shirt so she can check his bandages. She does it quickly and briefly.

"I think today will be your last day wearing these. Your ribs seem perfectly fine." she presses her fingers against his side. "the surgery scar will, unfortunately, settle. There are creams to help make them less... Promiment."

"its fine." Jaskier sighs, "I don't mind. Thank you"

She wraps the bandage back up, secure it and Jaskier quickly puts his shirt back on.

"lunch will be round soon, okay? Dinner will be 4 hours after." She tells him, before leaving the room.

It doesn't take too long for his lunch to arrive. Its a chicken pie with some mash on the side, and a cup of apple juice. Jaskier picks at the food slightly before finally giving in. It has that hospital taste to it, he doesn't know how to describe it, but it's easy to get down for the most part. 

When the nurse takes his tray back, and leaves, he doesn't expect Cahir, Triss and Yennefer to enter the room instead. They're holding bright bags and cheer when they enter, slightly startling Jaskier.

"guys?" He chuckles, "what's up?"

"what's up? It's Christmas, we weren't about to leave you alone here." Triss grins, "we brought gifts, and foods for dinner later."

"oh." Jaskier smiles, "well take a seat, you lot"

"Tissaia is coming in an hour," Yennefer announces, "don't be morons infront of her, please, I'm quite literally begging you."

"oohh, Yennefer of Vengerberg, begging. Never thought I would see the day"

"how do you guys know Cahir?" Jaskier chuckles, "I didn't know you knew each other"

Cahir and Triss exchange glares but Yennefer clears her throat and explains, 

"oh, we saw him on the way up to your room. Guess he was going to do the same thing" she nods, "anyways, I brought wine. Let's get tipsy and share stories."

"it's a bit early for wine, isn't it?" Cahir askes, a smirk appearing on his face, amused.

"never." Yennefer hisses, "and its the expensive kind too. Stole it from Tissaias stash."

"I'll be the judge of that. Pour me a glass." Jaskier shuffles, letting Yennefer use the over-bed table as she puts down four glasses and pours an even amount of wine in each one. 

As soon as Jaskier takes a sip and tastes it, he recognises it immediately. 

"oh, yeah. This is the good kind." He grins, "my dad has a whole section in his wine cellar for this type of shit. When I was younger, I would sneak in there with some cheese, crackers and grapes and just pop one open."

"seriously? When you were younger? You're barely 21, Jaskier. What do you mean?" Triss snickers,

"hey, the legal drinking age here is 18, okay?" He chuckles, "I was wild when I was living under my families roof. I did not give a single shit about consequences."

"of course you didn't." Yennefer rolls her eyes, "you were rich, privileged and your father practically owns Lettenhove and more."

"you did your research, colour me impressed." Jaskier smirks, taking another sip, "but you're right. I'm not gonna deny it. I definitely was all those things"

"Yennefer and I went to Aretuza school for gifted girls." Triss announces, "gifted, as in we were super fuckin smart. They basically taught us how to be ready to be leading the world in the future." she rolls her eyes and Yennefer, beside her, chuckles lightly.

"Tissaia was our teacher, she spent the first year and a half calling me piglet, and weakling. Ugh." Yennefer can't help but let a smile quirk the corner of her lips, "of course, I despised it at the time, but looking back at it, I think it gave me the encouragement, of sorts, to try to prove myself."

"Yennefer looked totally different back then, you would not believe it!" Triss elbows Yennefers side slightly.

"you're one to talk, Merigold. You were much brighter back then than you are now"

"oh shut up, Yenna." Triss rolls her eyes,

"I grew up in a village just at Nilfgaardian borders." Cahir says, after sipping his wine for a little too long. "now believe me, when I say it was the dullest place on earth. But I'm heading back there soon."

"Why? If you disliked it there?" Jaskier askes, raising an eyebrow.

"sometimes you need to get back home, y'know." Cahir hums, "and like I said, work is bringing me back there."

"I get it." Yennefer nods, "say, Cahir, do you have a girlfriend? Do you know that Triss is single, and ready to mingle?"

"no way, I am never dating a mercenary, ever again" Triss snorts, sipping her wine.

"uh, what?" Jaskier blinks, "am I missing something here?"

"I share the same sentiment. Cahir is a mercenary? Triss, you may have had a bit too much to drink, my dear"

Cahir looks as pale as a ghost, eyes wide and his lips barely brushing again the wine glass he had just raised up to sip.

"oh wait--shit." Triss puts down her glass.

"Cahir?" Jaskier raises an eyebrow at his friend, who just slowly looks over.

"well, I guess I couldn't keep it away from you forever." Cahir says eventually. "its true — could I have some more wine, please?"

Yennefer obliges, and pours Cahir some more wine. 

"I hope you're not going to call in the police and have me arrested. It would be a waste of all of our time." Cahir shrugs, and Jaskier narrows his eyes.

"why the fuck is everyone around me some dangerous job? Triss is the only normal one here" he sighs, "well, as long as you aren't going to kill me or someone I love, I don't give two shits."

"you took that rather well."

"perks of growing up in a corrupt household, I'm assuming?" Yennefer raises an eyebrow, and Jaskier rolls his eyes but doesn't deny it.

'I'm sure you've all heard about the pankratz Oxenfurt theories." Jaskier waves a hand in the air, "let's just say candidate Euris for head of Oxenfurt academy did not go missing coincidentally just as my second cousin began running against him."

"wow that's shady" Triss murmers, "anyway, let's move on from things that could potentially, or most definitely, incrimate us. How about stories normal people tell each other? When did you lose your virginity, Yenn a?"

"ugh, 18 with Istredd at graduation. Been in a shit ton of orgies though" She lolls her head to the side, looking at Cahir, "let me guess, Virgin?"

"20. With a colleague." Cahir confesses, giving her a slight glare.

"I lost my virginity with Sabrina at 19. right before she went to medical school" Triss admits, almost shyly.

"what about you, Jaskier?" Cahir takes a gulp of his wine.

"uhh," Jaskier seems hesitant.

"we won't judge you." Yennefer smirks, "c'mon."

"16, with one of the older boys at school, and then the week after that, a girl who was the same age as me." He shrugs, "I was a wild child, did I mention that?"

"you did, you little slut" Yennefer chuckles, grinning. "hope you were safe. 16 is a bit young."

"definitely was safe. My father would have had my head if I got my neighbours daughter pregnant." Jaskier makes a face, finishing his wine glass.

"you father sounds like an asshole." Cahir mumbles.

"that's not new." Jaskier chuckles, "though in pretty sure not wanting you teenage son getting your neighbours daughter pregnant is perfectly reasonable for a dad"

"would you have went to spent christmas with them?" Triss sighs, "I haven't seen my family since I was 16, since they shipped me off to aretuza."

"same here." Yennefer nods, "used to spend Christmas with Geralt and Ciri, or Istredd. Now it's just.. Me and my friends, and my girlfriend."

"I have five other siblings." Cahir puts down his glass, "my father and mother tried to ensure each and every one of us were equally loved. Christmas was something." 

"oh, let me guess." Yennefer leans forward, eyes half lidded. "they tried and miserably failed. You got the least amount of attention and used violence and reading to cope. You spiralled down a path to work for your corrupt government as a result of failure parenting."

"Yennefer." Jaskier hisses, "be nice."

"you're wrong." Cahir leans back in his chair, "my parents did love us all equally. That, however, didn't stop the government from sending every 15 year old boy to the nearest boot camp to train for war. Violence ended up being the the only option in the end."

Yennefer tilts her head, keeping eye contact with Cahir for some time before looking away. "I see."

"Nilfgaard is fucked up" Triss huffs, only to receive a glare from Cahir.

"and Cintra is any better?"

"that's enough." Jaskier speaks up, "let's just.. Bring the mood back down to peacefulness. Let's not pry about our pasts anymore. Let's just focus on today. Enough questions."

"agreed." Yennefer tilts the wine bottle to pour herself another glass, but nothing comes out. She blinks in surprise before chuckling.

"and no, i would not have gone to spend Christmas with my family. Fuck them. Eat the rich, y'know?" Jaskier raises his wine glass, or what's left in it, and drinks it all in one go.

"hope you don't plan on eating me. Unless it's Yennefer." Tissaia says, as she steps into the room. "I am very wealthy after all."

"ah, shut up." Yennefer smirks smugly. "stop showing off to my friends before I tell them something embarrassing."

"you and your blackmail, never gonna stop, huh?" Tissaia sits next to Yennefer, "I brought gifts, and food."

"oh, for dinner? I just had lunch." Jaskier leans back, "and a bit too much wine."

"dessert. A Christmas cake." Tissaia gives him an unimpressed look, "hope you enjoyed my wine, I was saving it for a special occasion"

"it's Christmas, babe," Yennefer grins, "if not now, then in ten years time."

"I am going to pop into the kitchen of this ward and grab us some small plates and forks." Tissaia rolls her eyes at Yennefers remark before putting her stuff down and leaving the room momentarily.

"gonna facetime geralt and Ciri tonight, can't wait to annoy the shit out of Geralt by telling Ciri to watch both frozen movies tonight." Yennefer announces, smirking.

"ooh, evil." Triss chuckles, "he isn't going to stop hearing let it go for the next week."

"has he been in contact with you?" Jaskier askes, eyebrows stitching together. Has Geralt been ignoring him? Did he do something wrong?

"barely. He just contacted me last night, to let me know to facetime him today to say hi to Ciri." She hums, lips parting slightly and Jaskier could see her tongue drag against her teeth. It was almost sexual, but he could tell it was a habit of hers.

"I see." he murmers.

Tissaia walked back into the room, and Yennefer lifts up the big box with the cake, putting it on the over-bed table and opening it up as Tissaia passed out the plates and forks.

The cake was big, but a single layer. It was chocolate on the outside, but once it was cut open, Jaskier could see it was a mix of vanilla and strawberry. There was a white sugar ring around the top and the words 'merry Christmas' written in strawberry syrup.

The first bite was heaven, by the third it was a bit too much sugar. 

He finished it regardless.

* * *

Geralt had just popped his pie into the oven, it was around 3 pm now, when Ciri rushed in, grabbing his hand and pulling him out to the courtyard, hiding behind his leg as a car pulled up to the gate.

Two men got out of the car, Aiden and Coen. It didn't take long for Lambert to practically pounce on Aiden, and for Eskel to give Coen a firm handshake, just to pull him into a hug. Vesemir greeted Coen as well and Geralt gave him a nod.

He watched Aiden struggled for a moment in Lambert embrace but gave in and hugged back, Geralt spared himself from watching the two make out for a hot minute but when Lambert finally let go of his boyfriend, Aiden fixed his posture and shook Vesemirs hand. 

Geralt had just realised this was the first time Aiden was meeting Vesemir, so that explained why the man looked so nervous. Meeting the parents and all.

He wondered how Jaskier would react to meeting Vesemir, probably wouldn't stop rambling. That was always a nervous habit of his.

It was when Aiden, hand intertwined with Lambert approached him and Ciri that he snapped out of his thoughts. From Lambert's not so subtle glare, he deduced he was to keep this short and brief so the two could probably go snog somewhere.

"Geralt." The mercenary introduced himself, shaking Aidens hand, "this is Cirilla. She's a bit shy around strangers."

"Aiden, nice to meet you. Hi Cirilla. Lambert here told me you liked sweets. I got some lollipops?" Aiden raises an eyebrow.

"she's going to have a lot of sweets today, in not sure that's a good idea—" He speaks up, but too late it seems, as Ciri practically snatches the two lollipops Aiden was holding out. "ah, okay. Uh, Ciri, what do we say?"

She began hastily unwrapping one of the lollipops, "thank you, Mr Aiden"

"aight that's enough, come on!" Lambert whined, pulling Aiden into the ranch house, and barely moment within reaching the hallway began making out once again.

Geralt decided Ciri did not need to see, nor hear any of that, so pulled her away to the fence, where the others were sharing soda pops. Vesemir didn't take long to hold one out to Geralt. He took it great fully, taking a small sip. 

"Geralt, its been a while, old friend!" Coen cheers, "Aiden saw me hitchhiking and picked me up. Pure coincidence. Didn't know you were going to be here this winter?" 

"decided Ciri needed to connect with her family a bit. And I needed to get away from the city for a bit" He sighs, "last time I saw you, you broke your leg jumping off a building onto your target," He can't help but laugh, "still can't believe you didn't crack your head open or something"

"he did what?" Eskel chuckles, laughing loudly. 

"target?" Ciri askes, raising an eyebrow. 

The three men leaning on the fence give Geralt and look of concern and look back at her. 

"its grown up stuff, kid." Vesemir tells her, offering her a soda pop herself. She accepts the bribe, and doesn't ask further questions. 

"him and I ended up having the same target," Geralt explains, as Ciri goes to her bag by the corner of the courtyard to get her switch. "totally different employers. We ended up saying we tag teamed so we both got paid"

"Geralt literally jumped through a fucking window, the moron, the day before I jumped off that building and got the target. He came to my apartment late at night, hand all cut up and asked me to stitch him up" 

"you told me you wouldn't tell anyone!" Geralt elbows him in the gut as Ciri comes back, sitting on the ground, back to the fence and playing on her switch. 

"sorry! Sorry. You told them about how I jumped down two fuckin stories so.. Its fair" 

"two stories? The fuck?" Eskel chuckles, "being a.." He gave a glance to Ciri, "y'know must be interesting."

"oh boy, you have no idea." Geralt made a face, chugging his pop. "I need to go take my pie out of the oven, Eskel, want me to take yours out too?"

"please." His brother gave him a nod.

Geralt put his soda pop glass on the fence, before heading back inside the ranch house. He heads into the kitchen before-

"oh my god! Not on the counter!" He covers his eyes, and hears Lambert curse and Aiden quickly panic to pull away from his boyfriend. "could you two not make it to your rooms?"

"you're over-reacting, you dick!" Lambert yells, "we aren't fucking, you can open your eyes."

"I am so, so sorry." Aidens face is red when Geralt uncovers his eyes, "Lambert said it was okay"

"it is most definitely not okay." Geralt cringes, grabbing his oven mittens quickly and pulling out both pies from the oven. He sets it down on the counter, giving a light glare to Lambert, whos neck was covered in hickeys and love bites. "if Vesemir finds you two fucking or making you, he won't react like I did. You might give the old man a heart attack or you might get ten times the normal amount of chores."

"we weren't fucking." Lambert grumbles, "sure wish we were though" he smirks and Aiden pinches his side quickly, still looking like a child who got caught sneaking a piece of candy before bed.

"you guys can make out and whatever. Just don't do that around here, or near Ciri." Geralt requests, pinching the bridge if his nose.

"you're just upset your boy toy is back by cintra capital." Lambert remarks.

"Jaskier isn't— that's it. You're not getting pie anymore, Lambert." He crosses his arms, and Aiden laughs as Lambert huffs and pouts.

"so, uh," Geralt says, suddenly serious, "you two planning on being serious?"

Aiden takes Lambert hand slowly, "it started out as just fuck-buddies but, y'know.. Feelings got involved and now we want a lot more than just sex. I don't see a future without Lambert."

"you're a cheesy piece of shit, Aiden." Lambert ducks his head and pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to hide the blush growing on his face.

"and you won't hurt my little brother?" Geralt arches an eyebrow as he opens up a window to help the pie cool.

"never." Aiden shakes his head, "I already received the shovel talk from Eskel and Vesemir over the phone. Trust me, I know better than to hurt him"

"you couldn't hurt me anyways, pussy." Lambert rolls his eyes, grinning as Aiden gives him a challenging expression.

"all that high talk, huh, brat?" Aiden huffed, "you and I are gonna spar later, just watch."

"that sexual innuendo didn't go over my head." Geralt sighs, shaking his head. "no pie for either of you, till you stop being horny"

While he acted like he didn't care or that he was annoyed, Geralt was really happy for his brother. It was nice seeing Lambert so relaxed, so open with someone that matched his personality; someone who was just as abrasive when they wanted to be. He was unsure about aiden at first, but once he got to know him more, he saw why Lambert liked him. 

If Aiden ever did hurt Lambert, Geralt wouldn't need to be paid to know who his next target would be, despite the fact he was sure Lambert could handle himself. 

He wondered if he and Jaskier would ever get comfortable with each other like Lambert and Aiden. Right now, he and the singer were in an awkward spot of uncertainty. He wasn't sure if they were to be together or if they both needed a bit more time. 

Geralt would wait for Jaskier as long as the other needed. He could wait thousands of moon cycles, millions of sunrises, all as long as he would see Jaskier in his arms in the end, smiling at him with the intensity of the sun. 

He could wait. 

But he wasn't sure Jaskier would wait for him.

"enough chit-chat. Lambert, go grab some vegetables from the food storage" Vesemir walks into the room, "I'll start on dinner. Theres leftover sandwiches for lunch. Grab some if you're hungry."

Geralt helped himself to a sandwich, eating it before heading to the bathroom. He needed a shower desparately. 

After his shower, he helped around the kitchen with Vesemir, preparing Christmas Dinner quickly. The evening began to set and he put Ciri on the task of setting up the dinner table. She quickly got to it, holding a pile of plates for one trip before returning for the utensils and cups.

The kitchen smelled amazing by the time dinner was done, and Geralt found his stomach rumbling with the thought of digging in. He hadn't had a proper dinner like this, with family, and food made with love, in a while. He helped Eskel bring the dinner to the table, putting the turkey by the head of the table where Vesemir would sit.

He brought out the wine, and some soda for Ciri, and set it down as well. It wasn't long before Vesemir called everyone for dinner.

They all sat down, and Vesemir took a moment. 

"I know we aren't a family by blood," the old man begins, "but family doesn't end with blood. I welcome the boys I raised from youth, to the new members of our found family to the table. Kaer Morhen will always be a place for each and every single one of you, as long as I live and breathe. I'm not one for all these cheesy emotions, so.. Let's dig in?"

Vesemir cuts into the turkey, and begins giving everyone their slices. Lambert quickly piles his plate high, with mash and vegetables, with gravy on top. Eskel neatly constructs his plate, vegetables separate from the mash and Turkey; he always had a thing about his food touching. Ciri shyly takes what she's given, and she's given a lot. Every time shes offered food, she thanks the person giving her it gently, and Vesemir praises her for her manners cue everyone on the table thanking him. Coen takes his turkey slices, and two meat pies and some vegetables. He doesn't touch the mash. Aidens plate has mostly vegetables, and Eskel offers him the vegan apple sage roast sausages, as if suddenly remembering Aiden was the only vegan member of the table.

Geralt takes care to pour everyone some wine, and Ciri her soda, before settling to fix himself a plate. He gets a healthy portion of everything, watching Eskel share stories over the table.

"—so I'm 16, right? I think I was going through a phase, puberty, or something. I was very, very irritable." He begins, with a smile on his face, "Vesemir had done something to bother me, I didn't even recall what."

"i came into your room without knocking. I remember." Vesemir inputs fondly, "now I always knock"

"yeah. I remember now. I don't know why that pissed me off so badly, but I ended up throwing a tantrum and, just to prove a point, slept in the stables for three days. I remember Geralt would have to bring me my dinner every evening because I wouldn't budge till the old man apologised." Eskel snickers, "oh, man. I remember being young, I had so much energy"

"you're still young" Vesemir says pointedly.

"Uncle Eskel, what do you do for a living?" Ciri askes suddenly, curious and determined.

The table goes silent, and Lambert gives Eskel a look, jaw moving slowly as he chewed. Eskel smiles, and awkwardly shares a look with Geralt, who slowly nods.

"I work for the government." He begins slowly, unsure. "I... Eliminate people who pose a threat."

"worked." Lambert corrects, "he got in a bit of an accident and took a break from his work."

"is that why you've been here for a couple years?" Ciri continues, picking up her cup filled with soda.

"i guess you could say that." He nods, "Lambert, why don't you tell Cirilla about your job?"

Geralt didn't like where this was going. 

Lambert smugly smirks, "i used to be a spy. Now I'm with a private military company that gives me jobs, sort of like contracts I have to go overseas for. Its pretty dope"

"show off." Eskel glares at him, rolling his eyes.

"woah, you guys are so cool." Ciri grins, "you guys gotta tell me more stories some time."

That.. Was not the reaction he was expecting. 

He didn't know why he thought she would be disgusted, angry, or scared when he or his brothers revealed their occupations. He didn't want his daughter to hate him. Or his family. 

"dad refuses to tell me about his job." She pokes at her food for a moment, giving him a look. "I don't know why."

"Ciri.." He swallows his food, "it's similar. To eskels and Lambert. Kind-of."

"yeah except what we do is way more dangerous" Lambert grins, boasting just to wow her. "let me tell you a story about one of my missions right in Nilfgaardian territory." he changes the subject.

They spend the rest of the dinner chatting, even when you finish the main course, everyone always has something to say and the room is never quiet. Once dessert is brought out, his and Eskels pies, he cuts his apple pie and settles it into the middle of the table. He gives Ciri a slice and himself one too. Aiden walks into the room with a tub of Ice cream Vesemir had made him fetch. He gives everyone two scoops with their pies.

"please let me know who's pie is better," Eskel smirks, giving Geralt a challenging look.

Geralt returns the smirk, "my pie goes great with the ice-cream. Trust me." he advises to the table, "the cherry one? No, not so much."

"i think they're both appealing. The apple one is good so far" Coen speaks up, eating another forkful of pie.

"so, uh, how long are you staying, Coen?" Geralt speaks up, tilting his head.

"probably till late spring, if that's okay with Vesemir?" Coen explains, before looking at said man at the head of the table.

"of course, boy." Vesemir nods, "this place could use the extra help, anyways."

Coen tries to hide his smile by eating some pie, but it's obvious either way. It was odd seeing others so happy to be staying at Kaer Morhen. To find a home in the place he grew up in. But, Geralt didn't find himself disliking it.

Once everyone had finished eating their pies, Eskel and Geralt both demanded answers on who they thought made the better one. 

It was eskel. It was always Eskel. He had, after all, taught Geralt to bake and had a few more years of experience. Geralt wasn't surprised, nor was he sour about it, instead he gave Eskel a good pat on the back with a smile on his face. 

He notices the time, and remembers its about the time he had asked Yennefer to facetime him so Ciri could say merry Christmas and say hi.

Yennefer was always periodically on time, so as soon as the clock turned to the exact time, his phone began to ring. He called for Ciri, and the young girl rushed to him. 

* * *

They had been in the middle of having the takeout dinner Yennefer and Triss has brought when the council woman brought out her phone and started calling someone. Cahir had left moment earlier for private reasons, so it left three women in the room with Jaskier

In any other situation, Jaskier would have said he was a lucky man to be alone with three, admittedly sexy, women. Had he not been in the hospital.

"hey!" She waves to the phone camera, smiling. "Hi, Ciri!"

Jaskier could hear two voices on the other end of the phone, considering she had her phone on speaker.

"oh, you guys are on speaker, so careful what you say" she tells Geralt and Ciri, glancing at the others, "nothing personal, okay?"

"who's in the room with you? Do you have a hook up? Is it Tissaia?" Geralt askes.

Yennefer taps her screen twice, and the camera flips to the back camera. Jaskier hesitantly waves to the phone, before she turns the phone to Tissaia and Triss who were sitting next to each other.

" oh, you're spending Christmas at the hospital with Jaskier?" He hears Geralt ask, before Ciri exclaims,

"hi Jaskier! Triss! Im learning how to swordfight, isn't that so cool?" She says proudly.

"sword fight?" Tissaia says, chuckling. Yennefer shrugs at her in an answer. 

"that's cool, young one." Jaskier says, picking at his food, "you're going to be so strong when you come back for new years. You can feel free to show off to us."

"oh definitely. I want to see the great warrior Ciri has become" Triss grins, and They can all hear Ciri cheer and Geralts chuckle.

There's a about a three--to--four hour time difference from Kaer Morhen to Cintra Capital. Of course, they lived right outside the walls of Cintra Capital and in a medium sized city that was built to be independent. The time difference was definitely a throw off, he could tell.

Yennefer turned the camera back to her, chatting idly with Ciri and Geralt about god knows what. Something wrenches deep inside him, pulling at his heart strings hearing Yennefer make inside jokes with the two of them over the phone.

He knew Geralt didn't want her anymore. He knew it. 

He wasn't even in a relationship with the man, so he didn't know why it bothered him right now. 

But it did. 

Maybe it was because Geralt was ignoring him. 

He was ignoring Jaskier. 

It was time to stop making up excuses. If he could spare some time to face time Yennefer, he could spare not even a minute to text Jaskier. He didn't want him, it was plain and simple, he didn't want Jaskier. It was about time. He was anticipating it happening. He would be too annoyed by him, and stopped talking to him.

He finished his food quickly, despite his appetite vanishing. He knew Triss would lecture him if he didn't. It was five minutes later that the face time finished, and Yennefer had hung up on Geralt and Ciri after wishing them a merry Christmas. He watched Yennefer move her chair closer to tissaia and grabbed her hand gently. 

"its getting late." He yawns, "you guys should head home."

"yeah." Triss nods, "I'll be there in court on Monday, okay?"

"yeah." He nods, smiling. "thank you"

"it's fine, dummy." She leans over and hugs him, and he hugs her back tightly, before she pulled away. He couldn't help but mourn the loss of contact. He hadn't touched someone in a week.

"do you want me there too? On Monday?" Yennefer askes, "I can even pull some strings with the judge, maybe get him in your favour?"

"no, uh.. Its fine. My lawyer is confident we'll win this case." he shrugs, "thank you anyways."

Yennefer nods briefly, standing up with Tissaia and picking up their bags.

"have a good night, Jaskier." she and Tissaia say, and Yennefer pats his shoulder gently before leaving, still holding Tissaias hand and Triss leaves as well.

Jaskiers shoulders drop as they do, and he breathes out for a moment before smiling to himself. He was glad he had them. They looked after him. If it wasn't for them, he was sure he would have spent this Christmas self-deprecating.

He owed them, when he got out of this hospital. He would make it up. He swore it. 

Jaskier shuffled under his blanket, moving the over-bed table to the side and leaning back in the bed, closing his eyes. He hears someone come into the room and then a switch click. A nurse had probably turned off the lights.

He had to prepare himself for Monday. Something inside him was confident, yet scared. 

He would be fine. 

He slept dreaming of gentle hands and the feeling of yearning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realised people don't have things like 'winterfest' and such all around the world so, here's an explanation. In my community, we collectively throw a festival that's separate from Christmas for people who don't celebrate it, and to just bring people together as a whole. It's usually fun and has a lot of fireworks so that's why I included it, sorry if it bothered anyone :) I just decided to make up the name winter fest (short for winter festival) , but the actual event is based on things I've done in real life. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! The next chapter should be out within the next two weeks or so :)


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monday does not go well for Jaskier. Geralt decides to contact him at Yennefers insistence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnnd, angst strikes back; does critical damage! Sorry for the juxtaposition from the fluff from the last chapter to this.
> 
> Enjoy.

Monday does not go well.

He wakes up at 6 am from a panic attack, his breath caught in his throat and the beeping from the monitor next to him doesnt help; but in fact elevates his stress.

He hears rushed footsteps as he gasps for air and his visions spots, hands shaking and while body trembling. He feels hands on his skin and that doesn't help- _off off off! _He begins thrashing around, eyes wide yet vision blurred.

"—its not a heart attack! His lungs seem fine too! I think it's a panic attack!" He hears someone yells, it's a feminine voice, and hands push him back down onto the bed to stop him from squirming.

"Breathe, Mr Pankratz!" a familiar voice yells, "do not make us strap you down! You're going to hurt yourself!"

Jaskier blinks away tears and forces his vision to focus, he meets the eyes of one Dr Chireadan. He breathes in heavily, whimpering at the hands pressing him down. 

"fuck- fuck" he whispers, voice hoarse. "stop touching me. I said STOP." He brings his hands up to punch, hit, defend himself but suddenly his hands are brought down and he's strapped to the bars by the side of the bed. He cringes at the contact against his skin and he wants_ out- out!_

"Calm down. Some one call for the psychiatrist" Chireadan orders, hands hovering over the straps holding him down.

Jaskier squeezes his eyes shut, just to open them wide again. He cant- he can't do this. Not today.

It's moment later that someone rushes into the room, he looks over at the man who enters, he looks aged, but not too old. Jaskier looks away quickly.

"Stregobor." The man introduces himself to Chireadan. "is this who you need me for?"

"yes. He woke up and started having a panic attack." Chireadan explains, "I thought it would be best a professional helped."

"hm." Stregobor scans his eyes down Jaskiers body and his eyes meet the straps. "first of all, strapping him down surely isn't helping. Don't be idiotic. Untie him."

Chireadan frowns, "he tried to attack my nurses."

"were they touching him? Sometimes people who are panicking dont want to be touched." Stregobor takes it upon himself to undo the straps, and Jaskier immediately grabs his blanket and covers his head with it, it's childlike and he's sure he looks silly, but he does not want to be under anyone's gaze right now.

" is it alright if I take a moment alone with him?" Stregobor askes, raising an eyebrow.

"things may be different in Blaviken, or in Aretuza, but here we don't usually leave patients alone with newbies." A nurse speaks up, "doctor?"

Chireadan takes a moment, "2 minutes. That all. Let's give them some privacy."

Jaskier can hear fading steps and someone settle in the chair by his bed. He hears the clacking and fiddling with the clipboard on his bedside table.

"Julian Pankratz.." He hears the man murmers, "Julian. Do you mind uncovering your head?"

Jaskier gulps, chest heavy but he does so anyways. 

"what you just experienced was a panic attack, it's common with people with anxiety disorder." Stregobor begins, "it doesn't say here that you've been diagnosed with any disorders or—"

"I know what a panic attack is. And.." Jaskier casts his eyes downward, "my f..father erased all proof of any 'disorders' I have..something about keeping up public appearances. ."

"hm." Stregobor leans back, "what do you think triggered your attack?"

"i- i-" Jaskiers throat tightens, "I had a nightmare."

"I see." Stregobor hums, "and this nightmare? Was it about something traumatic?"

"take a guess." He snaps, before biting his tongue and gripping the blanket tighter.

"was it about your ex-boyfriend?" the psychiatrist looks back down at the clipboard, eyes reading through the documents.

Jaskier doesn't want to answer. But he knows he has to now, or when Dr Chireadan returns. He'd rather keep this private as possible.

"mhm.." He nods, gripping the blankets tightly.

"what happened in the nightmare?" Stregobors eyes level with his and Jaskier has to stop himself from flinching. His eyes seemed interested, entertained, like his pain was a show for him.

"he.." Jaskier shakingly lifts his hand up to his neck, "h..he was strangling me"

"I see." Stregobor nods, "your relationship with him, was it very violent?"

Jaskier silently nods, before speaking "I don't..whats the point of me telling you all of this?"

Stregobors lips part for a moment, before he chuckles, "talking about your trauma often helps. I could offer advice, or just be a shoulder for you to cry on"

"I don't need a stranger to be my shoulder to cry on." Jaskier lifts his legs up to his chest, and rests his chin on his knees.

"its something about telling a stranger their problems that makes people open up more." stregobors hands bundle together on his lap, "therapists, and psychiatrists offer solutions to those who seek help. It's nothing to be worried about."

"just.." Jaskier tilts his head, "I don't.. I want some time to get ready for today. Alone."

"I'll let your doctors and nurses know. But I have to have your word you won't lash out like that again" Stregobor hums, and Jaskier hesitatantly nods.

Chireadan and a nurse enter the room moments later, and Stregobor stands, putting a hand up. He speaks to them, and while Jaskier can hear his words, he chooses not to listen. They leave.

And he's alone. 

An hour or so passes, he's vaguely aware of his phone buzzing and he doesn't check it for thirty minutes as he collects his thoughts. 

Today was the day. He would stand in court and watch Feril name get slandered, but he wasn't an idiot. His own name would be too. He's done some stupid--stupid shit when he was with the man, some shit that could be used against him.

He was ready for this fight, somewhat. And either way, he would have to go through it. 

He picks up his phone once it buzzes for the third time, and he reads the texts from his Lawyer. 

_[T] 8 am. Be at the courthouse by the council office._

_[T] I'll guide you through everything and what you have to say._

_[J] be there soon._

Jaskier gets out of bed quickly, going to his bag in the corner of the room and taking out the suit Triss had brought him from his closet before yesterday. He puts it on, pushing a hand down any creases and fixes blue tie onto his collar. He fixes his hair and takes out his phone to check if it was well looking. He was satisfied with how it looked, and quickly grabbed what he needed and left. 

He heads by Merigold first, and Triss is there opening up. She sees him through the window and quickly waves for him to come inside. He enters slowly, and she immediately hugs him. He wraps his arms around her tightly, nose at her shoulder. 

"hey. It's going to be okay." She pulls away, looking him in the eyes. "I made you a coffee. With caramel. Like you like. And here's a croissant." she hands him both, and Jaskier immediately sips his coffee as if it was a lifeline. He thanks her quietly. "you'll do great today. That fucker is going to go away for some time."

"but.. What if he doesn't? What if this is all a waste of time?" Jaskier cringes. "I just..I did some research not too long ago. Half the time, domestic charges get dismissed with a restraining order. I know that the law won't stop him. He.."

"hey. You're stressing out over nothing. He's going away. Your lawyer is good. He's guilty. Plain and simple." She huffs, "I heard there's quite a crowd outside of the courthouse though."

"what?" His eyes widen, head snapping up.

"word got caught that someone in the Pankratz family got caught In a scandal of some sort." She frowns, "I don't know who the snitch is. But I'll see what I can find out."

"oh..uh..okay." That didn't help. Jaskier suddenly feels a lot more anxious. There's a crowd of reporters. Fuck. Just because he grew up around them doesn't mean he got used to it. He thought he finally escaped the prying eyes of the press and paparazzi.

"you should quickly eat that and head off." She picks up a rag and starts wiping down the counters again, giving him a glance. Jaskier quickly eats his croissant, giving her a nod as he finishes it. He leaves the coffee shop still holding onto his coffee.

He's not too far from the courthouse now, just by the council office, and he can already hear it. The fluttering of cameras and the flashing of their lights and he cringes internally. A hand grabs at his arm and he swears he almost right hooks Thelia in the face before realising it was her. She gives him an odd look.

"good, you're early. I didn't want you to walk into that. Someone tipped off the press. It seems your ex boyfriend got to them first so I have a suspension it was him." She huffs, "he's telling them lies, and they're eating it up. But don't worry, we'll clear your name inside. We can enter through a different way. Come on"

Jaskier helplessly follows her, eyeing the front entrance as he ducks his head to not be seen.

He's taken inside, and a police officer standing outside of double doors tells him he can't bring liquids inside. Jaskier nods, and gives Thelia a look that tells her to go ahead. He heads for the trash can at the end of the hall, taking one last sip of his coffee before he throws it away. He turns around, just as the entrance doors open and Feril and his lawyer walk in.

He really hopes he hadn't been seen, but his hopes are squashed when he looks up and sees Ferils eyes meeting his own. He flinchs at the glare he's given. He sees his ex boyfriend elbow his lawyer and the man beside him sighs and says something Jaskier can vaguely make out as 'one minute' and before he knows it Feril is walking over to him.

"i-" Jaskier gulps, "thought you were in police custody"

"my lawyer pulled some strings. I have connections." Feril steps closer, and Jaskiers heart almost stops.

"this- this wasn't supposed to- to happen" Jaskier murmers, backing up.

"are you scared, pretty boy?" Feril smirks, humming. "good. Because when I'm out of here, you're dead, Julian. Fucking dead." He whispers. "I swear it. And this time I'll do it with my own hands."

"I'm- you-" Jaskiers throat tightens and his chest feels heavy, his ribs suddenly aching again and he feels like he's going to vomit. His hands are sweaty and his pulse is rapid. "l..leave me alone"

Feril is about to say something else, just as his lawyer grabs his arm and pulls him towards the court room, and Jaskiers knees buckle and he sways against the wall. He gasps in a heavy breath of air, and closes his eyes tight just for a moment before breathing in quickly.

He shakes his head, and walked into the court room. 

Immediately, Thelia waves him down and he goes to the table she was sitting at. She gives him a concerned look but doesn't pry. It's twenty more minutes till the hearing begins, as the jury fills in and the judge sits down. Silence fills the room as the judge clears his throat, and they all stand.

"counselor of the accused please state your name for the jury." The judge begins.

Feril lawyer clears his throat, "William Phillips, 80651, Cintra Capital. Im representing Feril Belligaurd."

"The accused, state your name for the jury, and date of birth" 

"Feril Belligaurd. Cintra. 12.27.97"

"May the prosecutor state their name for the jury, please" 

Thelia blinked, "Rose Thelia, 89427. Lettenhove Central. I'm representing Julian Pankratz on behalf of Pankratz Bank."

"may the victim state their name for the jury, and date of birth, please" 

Jaskier gulped, "uhm, Julian Alfred Pankratz. Lettenhove Central. 06.23.99"

The judicial assistant goes around the court, handing a Bible to Feril, making him take oath. They do the same for Jaskier. Thelia makes her introduction to the case to the jury before they call Feril to the stand first, and Jaskier meets his eyes as he settles down. Thelia steps out from behind the desk, holding her folder and begins handing out a slip of paper to the judge and Feril Lawyer.

"Mr Belliguard, I'm going to ask you about and incident that occurred on Friday 16th of October 2019." She begins, "do you remember what happened that night?"

Feril takes a moment, eyes flickering to his lawyer, who shakes his head. Thelia snaps her fingers infront of his face, frowning. "eyes on me."

"I don't."

"okay, that's okay. It's good that I have records then." She hums, "is it true that you had assaulted Mr Pankratz for the first time that night? You're under oath, Mr Belliguard"

"Objection! Your honour, that question is obviously leading him on!" Ferils lawyer speaks up, and the judge raises his hand.

"overruled. Answer the question."

"I don't know." Feril says, finger interlacing with each other.

"you don't know if that the exact first night you hit him or you don't know what, Mr Belliguard?" she huffs, "the furthest medical record to Mr Pankratz's injuries lead back to Friday 16th of October 2019. Either thats not the first night you had laid your hands on my client or, You're withholding information from the jury."

"not so fast." Ferils lawyer stands, and Jaskier tears his eyes away from Feril to look at the man. "this record say this injury is from a mugger. You have no proof this injury is from my client."

Thelia clenches her jaw, "I think everyone in the room can agree that it's obvious Mr Pankratz had lied to the hospital in fear of his life. Its a common thing victims do, they rarely tell their doctors the truth about their injuries. Thankfully, Mr Pankratz had come forward not too long ago and revealed the real causes of these injures, if you flip the page you'll see his statements taken by the hospital and police. On account of every injury in the last year or so. "

Ferils lawyer falters for a moment, flipping the page, and looking down at it. Thelia turns back to Feril.

" is it true, Mr Belliguard, that you've served time due to domestic charges before?"

Feril takes a moment, clenches his fists, "yes."

"and for illegal substances found on your person?" She continues,

"yes."

"so, it is possible that you may have raised your hands against my client as you have a history provides that evidence." she tilts her head toward Jaskier.

"possibly." Feril sighs.

"and is it true you had given my client a 34 page contract that in which it's contents completely disregard my clients human rights, health and safety and violates the law on multiple accounts?"

"I don't know." Feril takes a moment to say, teeth grinding together.

"you don't know, or you're lying?"

Feril closes his eyes, "yes, I had a contract with Mr Pankratz but it wasn't immoral and it didn't violate any laws."

"if you're so sure, let's take a look at it." she hums, she clicks a button on a remote, and the screen on the other side of the court room lights up with pictures of the contract. She zooms in. "the agreeing participant may not leave the studio until dismissed by Mr Feril Belliguard. The agreeing participant will take anything Mr Feril Belliguard hands to them. The agreeing participant will not refuse anything Mr Feril Belliguard tells them to do or to take."

"your honour, I think thats—"

"the agreeing participant may not take Belligaurd to court if they are injured in studio. The agreeing participant will not take Belligaurd to court if they supposedly see Belligaurd handling illegal substances" she continues.

"Jaskier agreed to all of that." Feril suddenly snaps, eyes widening as he realised his mistake.

"so you're saying you are aware your contract contained all of the latter, and you are aware you had Mr Pankratz sign it without a lawyer present to go over it?"

"I had informed him that he should have a lawyer present. He said it wasn't a big deal" Feril retorts, and Jaskier can't lie, that was true.

"Even so, even if he signed it knowing what was in the contract, most of the things in here make this contract an Illegal agreement. This completely dismissed Mr Pankratz as a human, but makes him to be a object for you to control whether in studio or not."

"My lawyer helped me make that contract, it's not illegal. Everything in there is inside the law" Feril replies slyly, and Thelia rolls her eyes.

"I suppose you and your lawyer had contracted this around 2017? The law had a couple tweeks and changes thanks to council member Tissaia de vries, now our mayor. The changes were made early last year. If I'm right, the date you made Mr Pankratz sign this was mid-last year, specifically around June 21st. This contract is illegal. Its within expired laws and expired humanitary rights." She presses, "and you still made my client sign it."

"I.."

"that's enough for now, your honour." Thelia glances up at the judge, who had began flicking through the copy of the contract she had handed to him earlier.

She sits down next to Jaskier again, and he can't help but give her a weary smile. She nods at him, and he makes a mental note to give her a paycheck separate from the one his father was giving her. 

"I'd like to call Mr Pankratz to the stand." Phillips stands, picking up a couple sheets of paper nervously. Jaskier hesitates, but quickly gets up as well and goes to settle at the stand.

"Mr Pankratz, is it right that at the beginning of your relationship with my client, you hadn't asked consent of Mr Belligaurd when being intimate, and had resulted in Belligaurd to lash out in self-defense?"

Jaskier furrows his brows, "I don't.."

"recall?" Phillips gave him a look, "you're honour, I have screenshot here of a conversation between Mr Pankratz and my client, on a phone chat." he handed the printed out screenshots to the judge, one to the jury to pass around and for Thelia. "if I may read it out?"

"permission granted." The judged tilted his glasses, looking down at the paper.

"you, Mr Pankratz, began the chat with 'I'm sorry for last night.'" Phillips read out, "My client replied, 'it's okay. I didn't mean to. You didn't mean to.'"

Oh. He vividly remembered that night. Jaskier cast his gaze downward. He felt awful for that, despite looking back on it now, he could tell he was being manipulated. 

"Mr Belligaurd continues with, 'don't touch me without my permission, O. K?'" the lawyer gives him a look. "Mr Pankratz replies with, 'I won't do that again. It was my mistake.' do you recall that, Julian?"

"Objection, your honour, this evidence is clearly framed. He's leading my client on, and he's not giving context to the jury!" Thelia huffs out, and the Judge puts a hand up.

"overrulled, Continue."

"i- yes, I recall that night." Jaskier sweats, "but its not what it sounds like."

"then what happened? Because we have evidence here. Sent from you. To my client. The messages are clear and there are no double meanings." Phillips smacks the paper in his hand, to emphasis his words.

"he had- we- he had spent the entire day sulking because I didn't want to have sex with him earlier." Jaskier answers, "when I finally made a move, he snapped and—"

"you're under oath, Mr Pankratz. Dont lie to me." Phillips shakes his head.

"i— you're taking this out of context" Jaskiers fingers rub against each other. "he was... What's the word... Uhm.. Gaslighting me. Manipulating the situation to make him look like the victim."

"isn't that something the abuser would say?"

"Phillips, is there something you're trying to say?" The judge raises an eyebrow.

"yes, Your honour." Phillips nods, "im trying to say that Mr Pankratz should be in my clients place right now. We have messages, and an abundance of evidence providing facts that show that Mr Pankratz here is twisting the situation and trying to fool us."

"your honour, my client is the one who is currently under hospital watch! My client is the one who has bruises, and broken ribs! I don't see a single mark on Mr Belligaurd" Thelia exclaims loudly, standing up.

"you want evidence?" Phillips turns around, grabbing the remote from his table for the screen on the other side of the court room. He clicks a button or so, and suddenly Jaskier feels sick.

There, on the screen, was the pictures on Jaskiers old phone, pictures of his own bruises and blood. He and Feril were of similar structure, except Feril was definitely taller, and none of the pictures they were showing had his face in them. But he remembered taking photos of the bruises on his face, he remembered taking these photos. They must have been twisting the story.

He thought he lost his phone, but Feril must have stolen it. Fuck. Fuck. 

"here is a mountain of photos of my client with bruises and injuries from Mr Pankratz." Phillips smirks. "and if I'm not mistaken, the Pankratz family does have a history of violence."

"thats— do not!" Jaskier yells, "dont you dare fucking compare me to my father, you fucking—"

The judges gavel comes down twice, as Phillips stumbles back from Jaskiers hands. And Jaskier hates himself because he just proved him right, but comparing him to his father– that was a new low. And Feril knew that.

The court room calms down and the jury begins to murmer, Jaskier closes his eyes.

"I'm sorry, your honour." Jaskier clears his throat. "I know I just proved his point, but my father and I are very different people. He may be my blood but I am nothing like him."

Phillips nervously steps forward again, "how do you explain these injuries, Mr Pankratz?"

"uh.. They're mine. He stole my phone, my phone had those pictures on them. I think.." Jaskier squints at the screen, "can you zoom into the background of that photo?"

"I don't think I should—"

"do it" The judge implores.

Phillips does so, zooming into the background of the photo, and there was his lute and his jacket in the background. He never left his lute, when he still owned it, around Feril, or anyone.

"that's my lute. And my jacket. I never left my lute with him, in a room alone, especially long for him to take a photo of a bruise. And also, that's my friends Triss' bathroom." He blinks, examining the photo. "I'm sure I can find other flaws in the other photos you've been claiming are his."

Phillips stiffly fixes his tie, "if you're so confident, then how does my client have these photos?"

"he stole my phone?" Jaskier shrugs, "I don't know. Feril is.. Complicated."

"so, you're telling the jury, that you never raised a hand against him? Not even in self-defence?" Phillips presses,

"I'm not a violent person." Jaskier admits slowly, there were people who had hit on Triss and just wouldn't back off that could disagree, but he couldn't really be blamed for smashing a bottle over their heads.

"your honour, I believe Phillips is a little stumped. If I may now have my client make his statement of what happened on his last night with Mr Belligaurd?" Thelia makes a gesture in the air, and Phillips gives her a look as he sits down.

"may the plaintiff please begin their statement" The judge looks down at Jaskier, and the singer can't help but nervously gulp.

"I..on winterfest eve, I had woken up that day planning to spend it with my boyfriend. He had told me that morning he was busy with work and left shortly after. I knew something was off, but I had it.. beaten into me to not question it." Jaskier begins, "I texted my friend, Geralt, if he wanted to spend Winterfest eve with me. And he did. I went to his house for a while, he cheered me up, and then we left for the festival and mayor's speech."

"continue"

"we watched the fireworks, and ate some street food. I.." Jaskier takes a shaky breath in, "I told him i no longer wanted to be in a relationship with Feril, that I felt intimidated to stay. He said he would come to ferils place as I broke it off and said I should pack my stuff and stay with him for a bit.."

"go forth" Thelia gave him a nod, and Jaskier nodded back slowly.

"I went home, and found Feril fu— having sex with a prostitute. He told the prostitute to leave and I quickly began to pack my stuff. It was then that he.. Jumped onto me and began hitting me. And hitting me. And he wouldn't stop. Once I finally thought it was over, he threw a bottle over my head and began to curse my name. He kicked my ribs till they were damaged, uh.. Gave me a concussion. He pinned me against the wall and said the only time I would ever leave him is if i was dead, and said it was my lucky day and began strangling me till I couldn't see." he rushes out, eyes closing, hand instinctively reaching up for his ribs. "it was then when my friend came rushing in, and put Mr Belligaurd at gunpoint. I'm pretty sure I owe him my life."

"thank you, Mr Pankratz." the judge nods, "does the defendant have a statement to make?"

"he does, your honour."

"may Feril Belligaurd come up to the stand"

* * *

Geralt wakes up to Ciri knocking at his door, and sneaking in under the blanket with him. She cuddles close to him before he even realises that she's there, but he quickly puts his hands around her. It wasnt uncommon for her to have nightmares and come sleep with him. 

Geralt gently pet her hair, the entire family seemingly slept in today. It was two pm. He continued petting her hair as he took out his phone. Hes immediately greeted with messages upon messages from Yennefer. 

The first is a link to a news report, and Geralt hesitantily clicks on it. Its of groups of reporters upon reporters waiting outside a courthouse, and the news reporter speaks loudly and quickly, and Geralt immediately scowls as he sees Jaskiers ex on the screen.

He's talking bullshit like always, so he doesn't focus on it. He leaves the link, and looks at the other messages. 

_[Y] today is his court hearing._

_[Y] I don't know what weird self-loathing shit you're doing but pull your head out of your ass, Geralt._

_[Y] that man needs you more than ever right now. And, news Flash, he fucking loves you._

_[Y] onces he's out of court in an hour or so, I expect you to call him immediately. Or God help me I will come all the way to Kaer Morhen._

_[G] is he okay?_

_[Y] I don't know. I haven't seen him today. Triss said he was nervous._

Geralt sighs, turning off his phone.

He was procrastinating talking to Jaskier. The man had confessed his love for him in winterfest eve just to end up in the hospital not even an hour later. He felt responsible for the fuck show Jaskier was in right now. He should have gone inside the house with him.

He should have taken more care for him. 

But that was in the past now. He can't suddenly abandon him. Jaskier didn't deserve that, even if Geralt didn't deserve him. The mercenary was just too unsure. 

He looks down at Ciri tucked into his arm, she looks relaxed and warm, and Geralt can't help but smile. He presses a kiss to her forehead before slipping out of her hold and bringing the blanket up to her shoulders. He heads to the kitchen to make himself a quick coffee to keep him going for the rest of the day. His bare feet are cold as they touch the kitchen tiles. He quickly turns on the kettle and begins fixing himself a pot. 

He takes the time to read the article Yennefer had also sent him. 

It was a shit ton of bullshit. Half of the qoutes and information in the article was given by Feril, the smug bastard must have been trying to get the public on his side. But he wasn't providing the full story. Jaskiers story.

Gritting his teeth, he pours the hot water into his cup and tucks his phone away again. Footsteps approach from behind him, and a gentle hand grabs his shoulder.

"hey," Coen croaks, yawning. "mind pouring me a cup as well?"

"hm." Geralt grabs another mug, and puts in the instant coffee and sugar. He pours in the water and grabs the milk from the fridge, before pouring it into both cups.

"thanks." Coen grabs the cup, sipping it. "Lambert and Aiden kept me up all night."

"I forgot you have the room right next to Lamberts." Geralt chuckles, "I wore my noise-cancelling headphones to sleep. I think Vesemir took em off for me in the middle of the night though"

"yeah. I saw him head into your room" Coen continues drinking his coffee, "so, uh, any intresting work recently?"

"hm." Geralt shifts his weight onto his left foot. "yeah. Kind of"

"oh?" Coen raises an eyebrow and Geralt rolls his eyes.

"I just met.. Someone very important. During a contract." he explains, "important to me, uh."

"I see." Coen chuckles, "a lover? Why didn't you bring them?"

"he." Geralt clarifies slowly, watching Coens expression stay the same. He wasn't sure why he expected a bad reaction. Lambert had a boyfriend, and Coen was okay with it. Even if Coen wasn't, it wasn't like Geralts life depended on his opinion. But it was nice to get it off his chest. "he- hm. Had some personal problems to deal with."

"ah, okay." the other man shrugs, "you know, I'm kind of glad, because then I would be stuck in the same house as two couples. And Lambert and Aiden are already horny and loud enough. I have no idea how you would be with this lover of yours." He jokes gently, setting down his coffee cup.

"the most we've done is make out." Geralt's lips quirk up slightly and Coen whistles slightly. It's an immature reaction but it gets a chuckle out of him and somewhat cheers him up.

"I have to go do my chores. Gonna get them over with." Coen nods at him after a moment of silence, despite it seeming awkward, it was very comforting. "if you need me, I'll be by the stables."

Once Coen leaves, Geralt cleans up the two mugs, and sets them back on the side. Geralt decides to take a lap around the ranch fence, and clear his head while doing so.

As he jogs, the only clear noise he can hear is his breathing and the snow under his feet, the quiet gives him time to think, about what to do. What to say. 

He didn't know if normal people planned out what they were going to say to others. He didn't know if normal people worried about it like he did. Whenever he's having a concerning conversation, he has to plan it out in his head. Or else it would feel out of control and he would panic and say something stupid. He didn't know if others were the same.

Nevertheless, he begins thinking about what he was going to say to Jaskier in the next hour. Of course, he couldn't predict what the singer would say once he called him, or how he would react. He was sure Jaskier was already in an unsettled, tense mood, from the hearing. He wouldn't want to put more pressure on him. He wanted to lighten the load instead. 

Say hi. Obviously. Ask how he is, that would be considerate. Offer comfort if he isn't okay. If he askes why Geralt hasn't been talking to him.. 

Well, that was were he was stuck. Its not like he was ignoring the singer.

That was a lie. He was. And Jaskier didn't deserve that. Geralt didn't deserve him. His throat tightened but he pushed away his anxiety and creeping self-loathing in favour of continuing his jog, ignoring the cold.

Hm.

Maybe he should just tell Jaskier the truth. Lying never got him anywhere (despite lying being what his job was revolved around)

This was Jaskier. 

Surely he would understand. The singer was never mad at him. He was understanding, and caring. He would hear him out, surely. 

Right?

Geralt slowed down, eventually stopping his jog by the goats pen. He panted, staring at one of the goats that came closer to him quietly. He saw the collar around its neck, and rolled his eyes. No matter what puppy eyes Lil' beater gave him, he wouldn't let him out. Eskel would have his head. Instead, he pet the small goats head and backed away from the fence, walking towards the courtyard.

He sits down on one of the benches, and takes out his phone. He breathes in steadily, and guesses this is probably a good time to call. 

He hits the dial button. It rings, once, twice. Voicemail. He frowns, and calls again, it rings once, before there's a click on the other side and Jaskier answers.

"hi." Geralt offers, and Jaskier is quiet for a second in the other line.

"hey." He replies slowly, "uh.. merry late Christmas."

"it was yesterday. Not very late." Geralt tries, "um.. Thanks, though."

"yeah." Jaskier speaks hoarsely, "..yeah."

Fuck. This is awkward. 

"I.. How are you?" Geralt cringes, finger nails digging into his palms.

"I'm.. decent."

"are you sure?" Geralt raises an eyebrow, despite knowing Jaskier can't see him.

Jaskier sighs, "Geralt.. Im fine. I'm okay. you don't even care."

Internally, the mercenary's reaction is a lot more dramatic. He's already imagining a lecture to tell the singer, to never doubt how he cares for him. But, in the outside its just a reply of;

"hm." Geralt huffs, eyebrows furrowing. "I.. Care."

"sure." Jaskier sounds muffled for a second, he would have passed it as shitty connection if Jaskier didn't sniffle and terribly fail to hide his sob.

"what's wrong?" Geralt bites the inside of his cheek, feeling so helpless. Pathetic. He couldn't help him. "did something happen in court today?"

"besides seeing Feril, Geralt? I don't fucking know." Jaskier snaps, "maybe it was his lawyer accusing me of sexually assaulting him, apparently I touched him without his consent?"

"the fuck." Geralt grits his teeth. "where did he get that from?"

Jaskier sounds like he's crying, but he's trying his best to sound normal. "he- Feril gave him text messages. From like, a year ago. It could.." he sobs, "easily be taken out of context. Fuck. I'm so stupid"

"Jaskier, no." Geralt tries, "this isn't your fault."

"I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I should never have done this." Jaskier panics, "I shouldn't have listened to you. I shouldny have pressed charges. I should have just left it."

"Jask," Geralt utters, "little lark. Trust me. This is going to go well. He's going to go away. And even if he doesn't, a sensible judge would put on a restraining order."

"I can't.. He wouldn't listen to a fucking piece of paper saying he has to stay five feet away from me." Jaskier bites, "he takes drugs like its a lifeline, I'm pretty sure he's thrown the law out of the window, Geralt"

"if he comes near you after all of this, if he doesn't somehow go to prison, I promise you.." Geralts voice gets dark, and low, and he's practically growling, "I will have his head."

Jaskier is quiet for a second, sniffling. "yeah?"

"yeah." Geralt assures, "I swear."

"okay." Jaskier mumbles. "I.. why've you been ignoring me? I mean..i get it. Things have been too much trouble recently. I've been too much trouble recently. but.. A simple text saying you don't want to be in contact with me anymore would have done no harm, Geralt."

"that's not-" Geralt cuts himself off, he knew this was going to come up, and yet, he was still unprepared. "I just.. That's not the case, Jaskier."

"really? Then what is it?" Jaskier sounds bitter, "you had the chance to talk to me. I mean," he laughs strangely, "you even called Yennefer. Fucking Yennefer. I love her, but she's your ex. I'm.." the singer stops rambling. "nothing. Oh."

"Jaskier, don't do that." Geralt frowns, his expression pinched as he tries to figure out how to unravel this.

"why am I even expecting you to call me? Or text me. Fuck. Bollocks." he whispers to himself, "we aren't anything. I shouldn't.. im sorry."

"don't, don't apologise." Geralt sighs, "Jaskier I.. Like you. romantically." he admits slowly, "we just haven't had the chance to get around to it. We are.. Something. I guess."

"then why haven't you text me? Or called?" Jaskier grits, "im so pissed at you. But Im not at the same time. I'm so sad and mad and fucking exhausted. I was so worried that something happened to you and then I see you calling yenn and it all dawned on me like a fucking building collapsing onto me. You just didn't want to talk to me."

"it was for your own good!" Geralt yells, actually yells. He has to take a moment to breath in, panting slightly. "I am a god-damned monster, Julian. I've killed people. I have commited war-crimes. I've tortured people for money. Money! You don't want me as a associate, much less a friend nor a lover."

"for my own good? Are you ridiculous?" Jaskier sounds out of breath, "fuck you. Fuck you. Im so sick of people telling me what's for my own good." 

"I swear to god, Julian." Geralt growls, "you want me. But you shouldn't. You don't need me. I have blood on my hands." 

"stop being dramatic!" 

"I'm being dramatic?" Geralt laughs desperately, it's bitter and sour. "you're fucking breaking down because you saw your ex. Stop being a pussy. Grow the fuck up". 

Jaskier is quiet. Geralt can feel his heart beating in his ears. He knows he's crossed the line. He hates himself and he needs Jaskier to hate him too.

"i know what you're doing." Jaskier whispers, his voice cracks and Geralt closes his eyes as he takes in how broken he sounds. "and I'm not falling for it. You aren't a monster. I love you. I always will even if you think I shouldn't." 

Why won't he let himself be happy? Why wouldn't Geralt accept this?

"fuck." He swears, "im sorry."

Jaskier sniffles, "yeah. I know."

"I'm just..." his eyebrows knit together and he gruffly huffs, "I don't know."

"self-loathing and trying to push me away again, like a repeat of the dragon hunt competition?" Jaskier rushes, "yeah."

"hmm."

"do you...do you actually think I'm being over dramatic though?" the singer asks hesitatantly, voice quiet.

Geralt hates himself. "no. there's no measure for how you would react to seeing your abusive boyfriend. Actually, if you weren't reacting, I'd be concerned."

"oh, okay." he can hear Jaskier shuffle, "do you actually think I don't love you?"

"I know you do. I hate it."

"you shouldn't. I enjoy loving you.".

Geralt chokes on nothing and has to stop himself from saying anything that could have showed he actually felt affected by that. 

"I see." He replies slowly.

Jaskier takes a deep breath, "and no matter what you do, I will always be there. Romantically, or not. I would stay.. Just friends with you for twenty years just to be there for you. You've been so strong already. You need someone to lean on"

"Jask.." He tries.

"I'm being honest." Jaskier retorts, and Geralt picks at his fingers.

How can somebody he was hired to kill be so.. Nice? Especially after finding out he held his fate in his hands. He was moments away from cutting Jaskier's ties with life. And yet, he never chose to.

Wait. 

He didn't do it. He didnt kill him. 

Maybe Geralt was a bad person, but that choice was the first step to redemption. That's what renfri would have wanted.

_She would have wanted you to kill stregobor._

"Geralt?" Jaskier speaks up, "can you.. Can you stay on the line with me for a bit longer?"

"of course." He owed it to him. He owed Jaskier so much this little task wouldn't compare.

Jaskier starts rambling, like he does when he's nervous. He notices his teary voice was gone, but he still sounded in edge, scared. But he was coming back to the surface and calming down. Geralt was just glad he was there for him. And that Jaskier didn't need him to talk to calm him down. He was fine with Geralt just being there.

And Geralt was okay with that. 

He would be here for him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I looked at a couple real life domestic hearing cases videos and tried to make the trial as realistic as possible while also making it,,, interesting? Im sorry if things aren't as realistic as they should be, I'm not a lawyer lol
> 
> This chapter took so long to write yet it feels so rushed. The next chapter i post is properly going to be longer, and slower (take place over multiple days in the book) to even it out. I'm sorry!


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Geralt experiences another nightmare, and lashes out at his family. Later in the same day, he remembers Blaviken during a conversation, and makes a promise to himself. Meanwhile, it is Jaskier's second day in court. After what happens in the courtroom, he reveals some sensitive information to Thelia regarding what twisted things Feril did to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW FOR RAPE, PTSD, AND MENTIONS OF MURDER.
> 
> I'm so sorry for the pain in this chapter. I atleast let y'all have a small bit of domesticity with Ciri and Geralt. For like, five sentences lmao. I'm suck at writing anything but angst, but in the next couple of chapters, we should be experiencing a lot of fluff and love

_"What?" he practically screamed, ringing filling his ears. The man infront of him speaking, but he couldn't hear anything. _

_A heavy hand is placed on his shoulder, the ringing getting louder and louder. His ears felt like they were bleeding._

_no matter how much he tried to focus, the ringing stayed. He squeezed his eyes shut, gripping his ears._

_Finally, when it felt like it was gone, he looked up again, looking for the man. He was gone. _

_"Geralt."_

_He turns on his heel, blinking. "Ciri?" she wasn't facing him. _

_"Geralt!" She yells, abruptly turning around, and Geralt flinchs back as he makes eye contact. Black. No colour. "why didn't you save me?"_

_"Ciri?" He brings a hand up to his mouth to stop himself from puking as blood seeps out of her mouth as she talks. "I'm sorry"_

_He doesn't know what he's apologising for. But he needs to._

_"sorry?" s_ _he laughs hysterically. "sorry won't fix this."_

He wakes up with a scream.

Not even five minutes later, Vesemir and Coen rush into the room.

They stare at each other for a good moment, Geralts chest rising heavily. He decides to break the silence. 

"sorry." He murmers, looking away from Vesemirs scanning eyes. Coen slowly nods.

"nightmare?" He askes, and Geralt nods.

He doesn't realise he's shrunk in on himself till his forehead leans down to rest on his knees, his hand ruffling through the back of his hair awkwardly. He doesn't want to have this conversation. He knows it's going to happen anyways.

"you, uh, okay?" Coen continues, and Geralt glances at Vesemir; whose still quiet, just keeping his eyes on him.

"I'm fine."

"obviously not." Coen shakes his head. "talk to us"

"I'm fine." He presses, head snapping up to glare at Coen. He falters when he sees his friends face, full of genuine concern. Anger sparks inside him. He wants to throttle Coen for having that expression.

Pity. 

It's pity. 

He hates it.

"fuck off." He speaks up, voice rougher than intended.

"don't push us away" Coen insists.

"You know nothing!" Geralt growls, yelling. "fucking leave me alone!" he was so close to throwing something. To breaking something. To lashing out. He didn't want to.

"I'm not leaving, fuck, Vesemir, help me out here." Coen huffs, looking back at the elder, who crosses his arms and looks upset.

"lad," Vesemir begins and Geralt sees red before he could even mutter another word.

He immediately grabs the closest thing to him, his mug from the coffee he had last night, and threw it at the two men trying to calm him. They both manage to avoid the cup, but it shatters against the wall. 

"Get out!" He insists, "fuck off! Fuck off before I grab my sword!"

"Geralt—" Coen tries, but falters at Geralts growl.

Vesemir grabs the man's arm, and huffs, glaring at Geralt. "he needs some time alone. Come along."

And, well, they leave. 

Like he wanted. But now, he wants them back and he hates that he's pushed them away.

He feels horrible, he's lashing out more and more everyday and he feels like he's suffocating. He doesn't like how his feelings feel like they're drowning him. 

He knows they're there for him. A part of him wants to push them away and the other part wants to embrace them.

But he won't let himself do that. He cannot. Or else they'd end up like renfri, like all the cintran citizens that depended on him and yet died either way.

He stares at the shattered mug on the floor, frowning. Why did he do that?

He slowly rises from the bed and bends down by the floor to pick the pieces up. He's careful as he does so, picking them all up and his hands and tossing the pieces in the bin by his desk.

Chewing the inside of his cheek, he reckoned he should leave his room and apologise. His anxiety was high and giving him a headache but the guilt was swallowing him alive.

He slowly leaves his room, blinking as he sees everyone, minus Cirilla, waiting outside, they all stop whispering, and look at Geralt with concerned eyes. 

"I.." he begins, "im sorry."

"okay, fuck this." Lambert growls, and Eskel's eyes widen.

"Lambert, dont—"

Lamberts fist meets his face, before his brother grabs him the front of his shirt and slams him against the wall. "You are a fucking idiot, seriously, Geralt!"

"What the fuck was that for?" Geralt growls, pushing him away.

"don't you dare push us away." Lambert clenches his fists, "im not going to baby you. Fuck that. So unless you want to get punched again, I suggest you listen. No matter how hard you try, we are going to fucking stick around."

Lambert pants, and continues. 

"and don't you dare apologise for your mental state. Don't you fucking dare. I swear to god, that goes to everyone here. We're all fucked up real good and I don't want anyone apologising for it." He turns to everyone else.

"hes right." Vesemir begins. "none of you should ever apologise for what's going on up there." he taps his temple.

"I just." Geralt closes his eyes, "I shouldn't have lashed out. Someone could have gotten hurt."

"from a mug?" Coen chuckles, "we've all gotten hurt from worse."

"still."

Eskel shifts on his feet, "Geralt, I know you don't like the idea of Therapy, but you need it. Probably more than any of us."

He gives a glare to eskel, but falters when he sees genuine concern in his brothers eyes. Not pity. Not judgement. Concern.

He bites the inside of his cheek. "maybe. But I don't think I'm ready for that. To..trust a stranger. I didn't even start trusting Jaskier till months ago"

"take your time." Vesemir nods, "but promise us you'll try."

Geralt clenches his fists, before unclenching them. He's unsure. But he feels.. Light. With the support of his family. He nods slowly, and rubs his cheek where Lambert had punched.

"got you good, huh?" Lambert grins, "sorry. Tough love, y'know. Go put some ice on that shit, golden boy"

* * *

Stregobor settles across from him. The court goes quiet, as Thelia stands. 

"this is Doctor Stregobor. He's a psychologist and my clients therapist at the moment. He works with the hospital." She introduces him, "I've called him today to the stand because he's going to give you a testimonial, your honour."

"on what?"

"on a recent panic attack Mr Pankratz had in hospital, from a nightmare about Mr Belligaurd."

Jaskiers fingers fidget under the table as stregobor's eyes meet his. The therapist nods at him and he nervously, and awkwardly looks away.

"Doctor, if you may." Thelia continues. 

Stregobor nods, clearing his throat. "it was yesterday, early morning, when I had been called to one of the private rooms. I had arrived to Mr Pankratz being tied down due to the intensity of his attack."

The jury murmers and Phillips and Feril glance at each other. 

"after getting him unstrapped, I took a minute to talk to him. One on one. He revealed to me that the nightmare was about his violent ex boyfriend, the man sitting right there." He gestures to Feril. "as a psychologist, I know how to read body language quite well. And, well, it was plain and simple to see that this man was traumatised far from what he had told me."

Embarrassed at his own pathetic mental state, Jaskier bows his head, staring at his lap as his fingers played with each other. He could feel eyes on him.

"please, Doctor" Thelia smirks, "can you tell me what you see when you read Mr belligaurds body language?"

"your honour, is that allowed?!" Phillips exclaims, "my client has no obligation to let this doctor to analyse him like a book after everything he's been through."

Jaskier looks up, biting his lip, holding back remarks.

"I'll allow it. Doctor, if you may?" The judge askes, looking down at Stregobor by the stand.

Stregobor looks at Jaskier with amusement for a minute before looking at Feril, eyes scanning up and down his abuser. After a moment, Stregobor chuckles.

"what is it?" Thelia askes.

"this man is very good at keeping facade. But not good enough."

Feril's eyes widen and he scowls before covering it again with a plain frown, casting his eyes aside.

"what do you mean?"

"his body language is forced. He's trying to make himself seem like a victim, while compared to Julian's natural reactions he looks like a joke." Stregobor makes a gesture, "the way he glances at Mister Pankratz however, isn't faux. Its very much real."

Stregobor scooches forward, eyes still on Feril.

"oh," He breathes, an amused smile on his face. "you would be interesting to take apart. Such sociopathic mannerisms. You don't feel guilty in the smallest, hm?"

"I do." Feril's voice cracks.

Stregobor chuckles, and leans back in his seat. "do with what I've told you what you will. Even if you believe Mr Belligaurd had not abused Pankratz, I believe he should still be put away. Its almost funny."

"thank you, Doctor. You may leave the stand."

Stregobor rises and walk towards Jaskier. He settles a small paper in front of him before leaving. 

'you're welcome,' it reads in nice cursive handwriting, 'tomorrow 7 am, I'll visit you'

Jaskier glances at the door, just as it shuts. Stregobor was.. Unique. But atleast he was on his side. He still had a bad feeling about the man, the way he smiled and the way his eyes peered at him gave him the feeling that stregobor was entertained with his feelings when he last spoke with him.

"Your honour, if I may call to the stand a witness to what I had discussed with the court yesterday, the abuse Mr Pankratz had put my client under." Phillips begins, standing. "this witness will give a testimony that even you cannot deny." 

"permission granted." The judge nods. 

Phillips turns around and makes a gesture for someone to rise and go to the stand. A man Jaskier doesn't recognise rises and walks slowly to the stand. 

Once seated, the man awkwardly meets Jaskiers eyes before looking away quickly. 

"your honour, this man here is the neighbour of Mr Pankratz and Mr Belligaurd." Phillips continues, "now, let's agree on one thing. If either of them had been abused, from the layout and scheme of the house, anyone could have seen it; especially neighbours. My clients house is large, with floor to ceiling windows on almost all of the walls. Specifically in the living room, kitchen and study room. "

"this is Jason George. A man who was afraid to speak up because he's associated with Pankratz Bank and doesn't want his life to be ruined. We all know that Pankratz Bank is wealthy and if anything, a bit shady, so anyone in their right mind would be terrified to speak up."

Jaskier clenches his jaw, biting back another row of insults. 

" Mr George, if you may. "

The apparent neighbour gulps, and keeps his eyes on the wood of the stand, and sighs. "I uh. I was arriving home late from work. I had just pulled up in the drive way when I heard yelling from next door. There had been quite a ruckas for a couple weeks and this was the loudest it had been. I was growing concerned."

"mhm." Phillips nods,

"I went to go knock to check on both of them, when I saw through the window that Mr Belligaurd was crying, his face was red and Mr Pankratz here was just standing there. He looked angry, and- and upset too."

_That never happened _

"When you say his face was red, what do you mean?"

"like he'd been slapped."

"I see."

_What_. _What was going on? _

"I was about to walk away, because it looked intense, when Mr Belligaurd and Mr Pankratz began to yell at each other again."

"if I may," thelia interupts, "when was this?"

"around a year ago, maybe August, why?"

"I see." Thelia smirks, "and Mr Pankratz and Mr Belligaurd were living together, here?"

"yes." Jason nods.

Oh. 

Jaskier saw what she was doing. 

She was calling out his lie. 

Around August was the time he'd moved out.

"Mr George, is it possible that Feril Belligaurd has something on you to cause you to lie?" Thelia tilts her head. 

The jury begins to murmer, and Jaskier has a good feeling about this.

Phillips snaps his head around to look at Feril, who pales and looks away immediately. 

"i-"

"Mr George." The judge says firmly. "answer the question."

"yes- he- I owe him some money. He'll have people hurt my family if I don't do this." Jason bursts out, eyes wide. "fuck- it wasn't supposed to happen like this"

"Mr Belligaurd, Mr Phillips, its illegal to lie in the courtroom. If you aren't already guilty, you just committed an offense worth time. And your honour, if you and the jury cannot see this as evidence to Mr Belligaurd being in the wrong, that our statements are correct and that he did in fact abuse my client and is trying to twist the story, then you are blind." Thelia states firmly, obviously getting heated.

"that is enough!" The judge exclaims, "Mr Phillips, sit down, Ms Thelia, sit down. Mr George, Head to the officers outside of the court room. They will look after you and your family."

"Mr Belligaurd is guilty of lying in court, but we still have to go through his initial charges. Tomorrow is the last date and I expect everyone to be much more organised and collected." the gavel comes down once, and the jury disperses.

Thelia collects her things, and Jaskier stands, legs wobbling with anxiety. He keeps nods at her and shakes her hand again, before leaving the court room.

He instantly makes his way for the exit of the courthouse, when a hand grabs his shoulder and pulls him aside.

He's face to face with Feril. 

"Please" Feril begs, "I can't go to prison again. Tell your lawyer you don't want to press charges anymore"

"Let go of me-"

"Please." Feril insists, "Jaskier, fucking listen to me!"

Jaskier freezes, flinching at the tone. He slowly meets Ferils eyes. 

"I'm sorry, baby." Feril whispers, "im so sorry. I love you so much. It wasnt supposed to happen like this. You- you know me."

"i-'

"its not my fault, darling." Feril sobs, "I have a temper and- and I just.. Please. Please. I'm literally begging you. What do you want? Money? Fame?"

Jaskier backs away, back meeting the wall. Feril corners him, eyes wide with panic and Jaskier swears he can see tears building up in them. He almost feels guilty.

Almost. 

"I want nothing from you. You took my love for you and you fucking lost it. Its not my fault. This isn't my fault. You brought this on yourself." Jaskier insists, "you hurt me. So much. I'm done. I'm done letting you manipulate me. Your tears aren't real. You're just scared of getting punished for your actions."

Ferils face falters, and Jaskier was sure he was about to hit him right there and then, if there wasn't people down the hall who would have heard it. "the media was right about you. You're a fucking whore, just like your mother."

Oh. Oh that was enough. 

That was enough to make Jaskier snap. 

He immediately grabs Feril by the collar and twists him around so he is the one cornered by the wall now. 

"fuck you." He hisses, "you're a fucking druggie who can't control himself." he clenches his fist, and brings it up, ready to strike.

It doesn't come down. 

He let's go of Ferils collar slowly, and pulls away. Breathing in steadily, he glares at Feril. "leave me alone."

He walks away.

He makes for the door when Thelia calls his name. He turns around, tilting his head as she pats his shoulder. 

"I'm sorry about today. I got a little annoyed. Malpractice in court gets me too heated." She huffs, before shaking her head. "nevermind that. Since tomorrow is the last day in court, I just wanted to know if you had any last statements or anything to add?"

_Tell her the truth._

_But what if she thinks you're pathetic?_

_What if she thinks you're disgusting_

_Tainted. _

"Mr pankratz?" she speaks up, eyebrows furrowing in concern. He hadn't even realised he'd phased out.

"i.. No. Its- it's fine. He's going away, right? Then there doesn't need do be more said"

"whatever sentence he could be given could be too short or- or hell, he may not even go away. I need everything you have, Mr Pankratz"

Jaskier's fingers fidget with the hem of his blazer before he sighs.

"can we- go somewhere private, then?"

"of course" she nods, "have somewhere in mind?"

"my friends cafe. She- she's a bit busy doing stuff so it isn't open but she can let us in"

"alright. Lead the way."

They leave through the back to avoid reporters, and Jaskier leads them both to Merigold. It's raining, the snow on the ground isn't helping with the cold, but they push through. Once reaching Merigold, he knocks on the door, as it was locked. 

Triss approaches quickly, ready to tell off whoever was knocking despite there being a closed sign. She spots him and her face softens. She opens the door. 

"hey." she greets him with a quick hug, but it's tight and comforts him greatly, he can already feel the anxiety slipping away. 

"hi" he smiles, "is it okay if we sit down for a bit? You already know Thelia, right?" 

"I do. Hi again." Triss nods at her, "she's been coming here for coffee since she arrived in town. But uh- yeah. You guys do your thing. I'm doing some pastry orders in the back so." 

"thanks, Triss" 

She leaves, and they sit down. 

Thelia takes out her laptop, ready to type what Jaskier tells her. He suddenly wants to hide and go home, have some ice cream and watch a movie.

But he can't let Feril walk free. 

Thelia needed everything he could offer. 

"just tell me like you would in court. Imagine you're recollecting the information and telling it to the jury." She prompts him, giving him a nod. 

He gulps, and nods. 

"I uh." Jaskier shuffles, "it was a Thursday, early in our relationship. Actually, it was one of our first dates. At a karaoke bar." 

"I see." she hums, typing down quickly. 

"it was just me and him, I think. I don't--I don't remember much." he sighs, "we'd been singing for around an hour then, when we got our drinks. We got a little, uh, passionate. I didn't push him off, to be honest. But I didn't want to go.. All the way, you know? That day was the first time we even kissed." 

She glances up at him. 

"turns out he roofied my drink." he bites his lip, "im such a fucking idiot for not even seeing him do it. Next thing I know, we were kissing, and then I blacked out. Then I woke up again, and I was bent over and being fucked. I couldn't move. My arms felt like they were being pulled down by weights" he feels like crying, like sobbing and screaming and pulling his own hair out. 

Thelia clenches her jaw, "im sorry." 

"its- you didn't do anything. It's okay."

"are there more occasions where things like this happened?" 

"yeah. Plenty. Fuck. There's so many. I can't even tell you all of them. So many times I let him dismiss my own consent and.. Im so pathetic.. Ugh." 

"hey. No. Don't say that. You're strong. Look at where you are now. Moving on. You aren't letting him win. Just.. Tell me what you remember, okay? And what you can?" 

"okay." he nods. "may, 14th. This year. He had some friends over. Told me to stay in our shared room." 

"did he often order you to stay inside or in a specific room?" 

"not really. Only when there were people over." 

She nods, and begins typing again. Jaskier watched as she typed, trying to figure out what she was writing. His insecurities rising with every click of the keyboard on her laptop, and he gulped, shaking his head and mustering up the strength to continue. 

"he uh.. Came to me after everyone left. Blamed me for them leaving early because the place was dirty, and he 'worked all day', and 'why couldn't I just clean up for once.' I think he just wanted to get his anger out, to be honest. I uh. I offered myself to him, because I knew sex would cheer him up. But I, I just.. I didn't want to. Y'know?"

"you felt pressured to?" She raises an eyebrow at him, and he nods slowly. She nods. "I'm glad you're telling me. This stuff is serious and will definitely help get the jury on your side. Although, I think the judge is leaning towards your story since what happened today. I don't want to push you, I think this is enough, but if there's more-"

"there's more. I can keep going." Jaskier swallowed his nerves, and Theila nods firmly. 

* * *

Ciri repeatedly pressed 'A' on her Nintendo switch, Geralt watched as she grinned as her character in the game she was playing pulled out a large fish. She leaned against him and looked up at him,

"look, dad. I caught my first great white shark. This'll probably get me a good amount of bells.. I gotta pay off my debt before sata- tom nook breaks my knee caps" she jokes momentarily before murmering to herself and Geralt couldn't help but chuckle. She was so carefree and happy. He didn't quite understand her games, but as long as they made her happy, he would let her play.

He was just greatful to spend time with her, even if she wasn't focused on him.

"oh! Oh look!" she grins, "mum's online! I'm gonna text her and ask if I can go to her island."

"Yennefer plays this game?"

"dad, everyone but you plays this game. Even grandpa Ves' knows about this game. He sucks at hiding his laughs everytime I say something about my villagers" she gives him a look, rolling her eyes.

"villagers?"

"animals! They're animals!" she exclaims, before her mouth gapes, "I think you would seriously love this game. They have horse villagers you can actually talk to."

Geralt huffs a laugh, shaking his head. "I think I'm good."

"of course you are, dinosaur" she smirks, obviously teasing him, baiting him like the fish in her game. "someone as old as you couldn't possibly understand animal crossing." 

"oh yeah?" he raises an eyebrow, crossing his arms. 

"uhhh, yeah!" she grins. 

"give me that." he opens his palm, and she settles her switch in his hand. He fixes it into both hands, thumbs going to the joycons and he begins guiding Ciri's character around. 

"oh wow! You actually know how to move. I bet that's all." 

"how dare you" he smirks at her, "I can do more than move. I can fish too." 

"prove it" 

"uhh.." he blinks, unsure how to do it. He doesn't know how to pull out the fishing rod nor how to actually make the character fish. But you weren't about to see Geralt of Rivia tell Cirilla that. It was a challenge after all. 

He pressed multiple buttons, before an inventory was pulled up. There, he saw the fishing rod. He saw Ciri gaping in the corner of his eyes, and before he could pull out the fishing rod, he heard a voice yelling. He immediately snapped his head up, before pulling Cirilla to duck with him. A wooden sword goes flying over their heads and he hands the switch back to her gently. 

"stay here, okay?" He chuckles at her wide eyes, and she nods.

He stands, grabbing the wooden sword and throwing it back at the one guilty of throwing it, coen. 

"finally got your attention, huh?" Coen grins, "good, come on. I need help carrying some trunks up to the fortress"

".. Trunks."

"yep. Huge ones. We might need to make multiple rounds."

Geralt rolls his eyes, but nods. Once arriving by the bottom of the stairs leading up to the fortress, he saw three stacked up trunks. They were atleast three humans long, but not too thick. He supposes they could carry them with ease.

He picks it up from the front, letting it hover over his shoulder, while Coen heaves it up onto his shoulder from the back. They begin their way up the steps steadily and slowly.

"so." Coen begins, voice raises so Geralt could hear him clearly. They were atleast 5 feet apart.

"hm."

"what happened in blaviken?"

Geralt almost let's go of the tree trunk, but keep his grip tight. He, however, does stutter in steps, stopping for a moment before continuing with tension.

"really, Coen? Right now?"

"i just mean- I overheard Eskel and Lambert talking about you. And blaviken. I mean, I heard news reports about what happened there. It was a massacre. A lot of people died."

"I know."

"did..did you do that?"

Geralt breathes in heavily, nostrils flaring ever so slightly. His eyes harden on the steps before him and he sighs. 

"...yes." he pauses for a moment. "my hand was forced. I didn't-"

"I'm not accusing you of anything, Geralt. I just.. What the hell happened?"

His vision wavered and he swore for a moment he was clutching a sword again, standing over Renfri's body; covered in the blood of her comrades. He blinked, and he was walking up the stairs once more. 

"I didn't mean for what happened to happen. It wasn't supposed to. It was a simple contract. One person was to die. But my conscious got in the middle of it. She- she didn't deserve to die." he says vaguely. "she said she wouldn't kill my contracter. But when I woke up, she had taken a hostage and demanded he come face her himself."

"I'm sorry."

"her comrades tried protecting her, didn't heed my warnings and got themselves killed"

Coen is quite, and Geralt can't help but feel as if the other man was judging him.

"I shouldn't have brought that up. You're already having a hard time today--I'm sorry."

Geralt doesn't say anything. There isn't anything to say. It's not like he could tell Coen it was okay that he brought it up, because it wasn't. He doesn't like remembering Blaviken. The place that ruined his life permanently. If it wasn't for going uncover for years, till the entire thing blew off, he would still be fearing for his life, hiding his face. Blaviken ruined over ten years of his life.

And he still wasn't ready to talk about it. 

He despised even thinking about Blaviken, about hateful stares and harsh words. About getting chased out of an entire town because one man.

He fucking hated stregobor with everything in his soul, and he vouched if he ever saw that bastard again; he would be dead before he even got to put on that disgusting creepy smile of his.

Not only would he do it to honour Renfri, but just out of spite, out of hate. Something about that man brought out the butcher inside Geralt. 

He would gladly go through a town of people again, just to get to stregobor. 

He can't think like that, though. 

Not when he has Ciri to look after. 

Not when the public has eagle eyes on any affairs.

Stregobor would die by his hand, but not soon. 

Not soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhhh,
> 
> Don't kill me :) 
> 
> Please leave a kudos and a comment! I love hearing what y'all have to say!
> 
> (also, ik this chapter wasn't long. I don't think I have that in me right now. I believe the next couple of chapters might be the same length as well)


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final day in court. Geralts final day with his family.

He looks back briefly, waving shakily to Triss in the stands. She smiles at him, and waves back. 

He glances over at Phillips and Feril, watching his exes lawyer pat him on the back and offer some comforting words. Jaskier feels bad for a moment, when he sees how scared Feril looks. But that feeling immediately disappears when he remembers all the times Feril quite literally beat him down. Physically and mentally.

The court room sits in silence for a couple moments before the judge and jury settle. The judge clears his throat, and speaks.

"I ask for this last day of this trial everyone speak plainly and clearly." he begins, "to get this final day on a start, will both solicitors stand and present your firm evidence to the court. If there is anything new to be added, please also present that to the court."

Thelia and Phillips stand, glancing at each other. 

"Ms Thelia, if you may" The judge implores.

"if you may all pass around the folder between yourselves." Thelia settles a medium sized folder to the first juror on the right. "if you may take a look at pages 53, 12 and 90, you will see evidence that has witness statements, statements from my client, and statements from the hospital. On page 31, you will see a collection of photos of xrays, and bruises that my client had taken during his stay in the hospital. "

The jurors take a look through the folder respectively, handing it to each other after reaching their fill. Some of them look sick after reading and taking a look at what was in those pages. Jaskier doesn't know what they're thinking, but their expressions speak it all. 

"there is also something new that my client has brought up, yesterday. If you think what I just showed you was bad, it's about to get worse."

The juror all look concerned, and Jaskier gulps and gets ready for Thelia to say it. 

"he opened up to me about.." she frowns, but speaks bluntly. "about Mr Belligaurd dismissing his consent and drugging him, raping him, and guilting him into having sex with him."

Phillips and Feril look caught off guard, Jaskier sees Feril jaw clench and his hand curl into fists underneath the table. He glances back at the jury, and most of them are cringing, looking sick and disgusted. The judge's eyes harden but he doesn't speak just yet.

"my client has given me multiple statements of his experiences." She continues, heading back to the table Jaskier was sitting patiently at, and grabbing a pile of papers. She hands a sheet to Phillips, one to the jury to hand around and the judge's assistant to hand to the judge. "and if you look at the dates of these events, you will see they line up with the hospital visits dates on page 53, like I asked you to take a look at."

"oh god" one of the jurors murmers, looking up to Jaskier, before quickly looking away.

Jaskier suddenly feels self-conscious, feeling the need to hide himself. He doesn't even realise his posture has faltered, that he's shuffled slightly down in his seat, and he's subconsciously turned his head to face away from the jury. He doesn't know why he feels like this, but he knows he feels embarrassed, pathetic. They're all probably looking down on him.

"I'll leave this folder here with you for now." Thelia tells the jury, "just so you can look through it whenever the defendant says anything you may believe to sound too, hm, out there. Rest assured, I will call him out no matter, but if you want solid proof to his lies, this is it."

"Ms Thelia." The judge says firmly, "that was unneeded. Take a seat."

As Thelia sits, Phillips stands, and picks up a folder himself. It isn't as big as Thelia's but could definitely go toe to toe with it. He doesn't hand it to the jury, but chooses to lay out the evidence himself.

While Phillips drones on, Jaskier finds himself zoning out. He knows he should be listening. He knows he should. It's important. But Thelia is handling everything and he's just so exhausted. He barely got any sleep last night, staying up with the events of yesterday's court hearing playing on repeat in his head.

He's just glad this was the final day, no matter the sentence. 

When Phillips finishes presenting his evidence, he sits back down. Thelia sends him a glare, and he returns it to her just as harshly. 

"your honour, I think it's only fair Ms Thelia and her client explain the new allegations that had been brought up earlier, since she's made such bold claims" Phillips states firmly. 

The judge takes a moment to think before nodding. Thelia doesn't look phased at all, "while I explain, may I call Mr belligaurd to the stand." 

"I'll allow it. Mr belligaurd, please rise." 

Feril obeys, walking to the stand and taking his seat. His hands fold over each other for a moment as Thelia stands and approaches him. 

"yesterday, Mr Pankratz summoned the courage to be honest with me with what you put him through. Let's see, Mr Belligaurd, is it true, on one of your first dates, you went to a karaoke bar?"

"it is.."

"can you please tell me how the night went?"

"it was a normal date, it was fun. Exciting. We sang for a bit. The norm."

"mhm." Thelia nods, "was anything out of place?"

"Well, I saw Jaskier take some pills with his drinks."

_What a fucking liar._

"let me remind you, Mr Belligaurd, you are under oath. Do you want to rethink your answer?"

Feril took a moment, keeping eye contact with her. "I didn't see him take the pills, but he started acting weird. Like he was high."

"what did you bring with you in this date?"

Feril clenches his jaw, "my phone. My wallet. Some personal stuff."

Thelia tilts her head, narrowing her eyes. 

"just admit it. The jury knows. The judge knows. Just be honest."

Phillips slams his hands down on the table, "your honour!" he stumbles over his words. "you cannot allow this. My client doesn't have to answer her questions."

"Phillips. Take a seat."

Thelia looks back at Feril, and Jaskier gulps, making eye contact with the man. Feril frowns, before sighing in defeat.

"I uh." Feril begins. "I bought a baggie with me."

"what was in it?"

Feril glances at his lawyer, whose shaking his head. He bit his lip. He stays silent.

"well?" Thelia raises her chin. "refusal to answer. Thankfully, I took it upon my self to contact the karaoke bar last night. A worker there says they remembered hearing moaning from the room they rented out, but when both Belligaurd and Pankratz left the room, Belligaurd was the only conscious one"

Jaskier blinked, he didn't know she did that. She really was pulling the last mile. He felt bad for making her work so hard.

"When the employees of the bar were cleaning the glasses, one of them had found a weird powder at the bottom of it, that hadn't dissolved. They never got it checked out, but one of them told me they guessed it was ketamine, a date-rape drug."

"unfortunately, they don't have security footage from a year ago anymore, but I'm sure the statements given from the employees will be enough." Thelia settles. "I can continue, If you'd like?" she shoots a look to Phillips, who looks unsure, expression hardened.

Feril leaves the stand. 

"Phillips, do you want to say anything?" the judge askes. 

The man shakes his head, and Feril settles beside him. 

The gavel comes down once, "the jury will discuss the ruling during the break. Use this time to get yourselves together and to look after yourselves." the judge says, eyes scanning the room, "we will resume and come to a ruling in an hour."

* * *

He finishes putting the last bag in the back of the car trunk, when he gets a call. 

"Jaskier?" Geralt askes into the air as he answers.

"hey" Jaskier replies, "hi. Sorry for calling without warning-"

"nono, it's fine" Geralt shakes his head, before realising Jaskier couldn't see him. "I'm just packing up. Today's our last day at Kaer Morhen. We should be home a day before New year's."

"oh! Good. I was going to ask later if you wanted to celebrate the new year's together?" he hears murmering on Jaskiers side, and he assumes his friend had just finished court, or something like that.

"I would love to, Jaskier, it's just...Ciri and I go to Cintra capital for new years. We visit her parents and her grandparents grave there too." Geralt puts the phone between his ear and shoulder as he grabs another bag and settles it in the trunk. They had a lot more luggage than normal, because Eskel was going home with him. He'd sleep in the guest room. Or the couch.

"oh." Jaskier sounds disappointed. "its- it's fine. Nevermind. I'll just.. Find something else to do for new years. Probably go to a party or something."

He swallows the offer to invite Jaskier. He probably didn't want to come with them to Cintra capital. If he did, he'd ask. Yeah.

"so uh," Jaskier starts again, "im waiting for the ruling. The jury is discussing it right now. Sorry, you probably don't care"

"oh." Geralt didn't even remember that today was his last day. "I'm sure they'll say guilty. And I care." 

God he hoped they'd rule him guilty. The fucker deserved it. 

"yeah." Jaskier swallows, "sorry, I'm just, nervous."

"stop apologising, it's okay." Geralt sighs, "stop thinking about it. Go get a snack from a vending machine or something."

"good idea. Yeah."

Geralt wondered if Jaskier actually listened to him or not, but when he hears a thud, and something being grabbed, he knows he did.

"I really needed this." Jaskier murmers.

"the food? Have you not been eating? I swear, don't make me check your weight when I come back—"

"the food- geralt, you Idiot, I meant this call." Jaskier spluttered, and Geralt could practically hear him rolling his eyes.

And for what felt like the hundredth time, Geralt murmered, "oh."

He was glad Jaskier couldnt see him right now, because he was blushing like a school girl. 

"actually, uh, my therapist helped me out earlier today. He arranged a meeting for me and, and I think I'm genuinely opening up. I think it's going to help. He's what encouraged me to call you." Jaskier chews, "I don't want to talk about you in my sessions with him without your permission. Is, is it okay? If I use your name and stuff?"

"I mean, what is there to talk about? About me, I mean?" Geralt furrows his eyebrows. Jaskier knew how he was about privacy, but therapists usually keep things confidential.

"not, uh, about you necessarily. Us." Jaskier murmers coyly, "I understand if you think it's weird, I won't bring us up if you do"

"hm." Geralt clenched his jaw, "no, it's fine."

Jaskier is quiet for a couple moments, and Geralt continues to pile the bags in the trunk. 

"I'm gonna have to head back in, in about 35 minutes. Wanna keep talking till then?"

"yeah."

"so, how's Ciri? And your family?" Jaskier pauses, "how are you?"

" 'm fine for the most part. I've decided I might look into therapy a bit." geralt hums, "Ciri is good. A bit disappointed we're heading home already. And My family is good too. Eskel is coming with us. He's staying at my guest room for a bit" 

"I thought I was staying at your guest room when you came back?" 

Oh. 

How could he forget? 

"I.. Uh. Shit. I'll tell him to sleep on the couch or something. I can't believe I forgot." 

"no, it's fine. It's fine. I'll find somewhere to sleep. Might buy myself an apartment or something. It's- it's been a while since I've done that." 

Geralt cringed, Jaskier sounded so disappointed. Again. He can't believe he keeps disappointing his friend in one conversation. Shit. 

"I'm sorry, Jaskier." 

"I told you, its fine. Stop stressing out about it." the musician chuckled, "family comes first. I understand. I'm glad I'll be able to meet your brother, though." 

"thank you. For not freaking out. And for understanding." Geralt sighs.

Jaskier hums to himself, "this chocolate bar is very sugary. Perhaps I shouldn't have listened to you. Im feeling a sugar rush coming on."

Geralt laughed at Jaskiers tone, the man sounded freaked out and apprehensive, and he could almost imagine Jaskiers wide eyes as he examined the chocolate bar.

"you sound..happier than the last time we spoke."

"yeah, well, I've kinda come to terms with the fact that Feril is an asshole. A manipulative asshole. It feels good to finally speak my mind, to finally come clean about everything that happened." 

"good. I'm glad." 

He finishes packing the trunk, and shuts it close with a click. He adjusts his hold on his phone now, against his ear.

"we're leaving tonight, so." Geralt murmers. 

"you're pretty busy?" 

"yeah. I'm sorry. I have to go." he frowns, upset at himself for not being there for Jaskier. He worries his lip till the singer replies. 

"hey. Its fine. Your world doesn't revolve me. Plus, there's like 13 minutes left. It's good. Call me when you can, though, okay? I uh, love you. Okay? Bye" he rushes the last statement, and the older of the two can already imagine his face. Red, shy and unsure. 

He can't help but chuckle. "okay, love you too. Bye."

Jaskier splutters, and hangs up a moment later. A smile grows on Geralts face, but he pushes it down as Eskel approaches.

"aye, come on. Everyone is in the living room. We're having a family night, kind of." he grabs Geralts arm, and pulls him along.

They enter the ranch house, the floor boards creeking as they step inside. Once they walk down the hall, and into the living room, Geralt already spots everyone piled onto the couch, underneath some blankets and all respectively holding mugs. He has to keep in a groan as he sees Frozen playing on the TV. He already knows Ciri's going to have 'let it go' stuck in her head the entire time they're heading home. 

It's hard to make it through the movie as Lambert and Ciri go on a sing-a-long during 'in the summer' and 'let it go' but he makes it through.

He can't help but genuinely smile. Seeing Ciri be so happy was.. Relieving. Since her grandparents deaths, and his and Yennefer's divorce, she wasn't as bright as she used to be.

Its, however, concerning to see his brother who is atleast thrice Cirilla's age be amused by the same thing she is. 

Lambert sings along with her loudly, and glancing around the room, he sees Aiden and Vesemir laughing at the two, both of them holding beer bottles half empty. 

Eskel leans against his shoulder heavily, and he doesn't realise his brothers fallen asleep on him till he shifts, and Eskel's head falls off his shoulder limply, just to jolt up and blink a couple times.

"sorry" Geralt murmers, "movie getting boring?"

"didn't sleep last night." Eskel's eyes can't stay up, and Geralt watches, amused, as he fights his own body to stay awake. 

"lean on me. It's okay." 

Eskel leans against him once again, and Geralt looks back at the movie, they're at the part where Anna and Kristoff visit the trolls for her heart; and he can't help but wince when the music starts _again_, and the trolls start singing. If hell was real, this would be it. This. On repeat. 

It was going to a long night. 

* * *

"we've come to a verdict." a young man stands at the jury, "we find the accused guilty."

And just like that, a heavy weight lifts off Jaskiers chest, he feels like he can breathe for the first time in a long, long time. He swears his eyes didn't tear up. He wouldn't let himself cry. 

He glances over at Feril, and isn't disappointed in the face he's making. His eyes are wide and he looks like he's in shock. Phillips looks frustrated, but keeps his gaze lowered.

Jaskier feels a touch at his arm and he looks away, and meets eyes with Thelia, who's smirking, her eyes saying everything he needs to know. She's proud, first of all, and relieved.

The judge brings down his gavel twice, "with all the evidence provided, and with the verdict made, I can confidently give Feril Belligaurd his sentence. Ten years, with five years probation, for drug use, drugging another, intimidation, harrasment, sexual, physical and emotional abuse." the gavel comes down twice more. 

"is, is that good?" Jaskier whispered to Thelia.

"better than what most domestic violence cases get." she nods, "still light of a punishment, but better than most."

"I owe you so much, Thelia." Jaskier smiles awkwardly, unsure of how to present his gratitude to her. 

"I'm the family lawyer, I get paid to do this, Mr Pankratz. But," she shuffles, "but, I'm proud, okay? Of you. Of us." 

His mouth goes dry, he didn't know what to say. He was just- just so happy. 

Everyone in the courtroom starts filing out, and the officers who had once been at the doors of the room, handcuff Feril. As he's dragged away, Jaskier meets his eyes, and he quickly looks away before guilt rises. He shouldn't feel guilty. This wasn't his fault. Feril did this. 

It was not his fault. 

Gods, he needed a break. 

A vacation, anything. 

He and Thelia leave the courtroom, leaving through the front, and He's already prepared for the flashing of cameras and demanding questions. He pushes through, and finds his escape from the crowd. He finds Triss waiting for him a block or so away, and she immediately hugs him when they meet.

"its done." she whispers into his shoulder. "are- are you okay?"

Jaskier nods, "yeah. Yeah. I- can't believe it. It's.."

"done." she offers, "you can finally move on."

Jaskier's hands fumble, "i- I can't thank you enough for being there for me." 

Triss frowns, bringing her hand up and pressing it against his chest, above his heart directly. 

"being your friend isn't a burden, Julian. You hear?" 

Jaskier feels something well in his throat, a flurry of emotions threatening to burst. 

"I said, you hear?" she presses her hand down again, and he's sure she can hear his thundering heart beat. 

_Du-dun Du-dun Du-dun_

"yeah, yeah. I hear ." he swallows, and nods once more. 

Triss gently removes her hand, and smiles back. She insists she walks him home to the hospital. There's banter, and there's no longer a feeling of thick air. It doesn't feel like Jaskier is gasping to breathe. It feels natural. He's reached the end of the bottle, Feril, and it's time to face his hangover, moving on. 

They make it to the hospital, to his private room, and they settle. Triss doesn't seem to want to stay long, but she wants to show her support. He knows she's a busy person. 

The high comes down, eventually, and Triss stays.

He cries and sobs, and he's torn between hating Feril and some stupid, stupid part of him still loving him and wanting him. The high comes down, and now Feril is gone. Truly, truly gone and that just settles in. 

Some dark part of him reveals it self, In his hysteria.

Maybe he stayed with Feril, willingly, despite everything. Because he wanted to be hurt. Some fucked up part of him liked it, really, really liked it. It has been such a long time since he's truly felt anything. Since his mother's death. 

Since he was kicked out. 

God, at the time, Feril seemed like a saviour to him. Even if he hurt him, the bruises on his skin seemed like--like penance for something. Anything.

But it got out of control and the pain was no longer the only thing that made him feel. He realised it was toxic, and did his best to move on. Feril never did. 

* * *

_Lips trembling and turning blue with the cold, Jaskier cupped the hot paper cup, filled with stew from the homeless kitchen down the road, closer to him. He shuffled back on the pavement, so he wouldn't trip anyone up. Its not like anyone was out, right now, anyways. The snow was beginning to get heavier, and colder. It had a bite to it now, even the air felt like ice._

_He bumped his foot gently against his lute case behind his feet, but underneath his legs, as if making sure it was still there. _

_Everytime he blinked, it felt like an hour passed. _

_He did his best to pull the hot stew closer to his lips with his shaking hands, not wanting to spill it. Once it met his lips, and he took a nice sip, he grimaced. _

_It wasn't the nicest. But it would do. _

_No one ever warned him about the winter for the homeless. _

_He'd still take this over his father any day._

_Its not like he doesn't miss home. He just doesnt miss pretending to be someone he wasn't._

_The only person he really missed was his mother. _

_He could still see her face as he was shoved out of the mansion with two bags of his belongings._

_He shook his head, grabbing the plastic spoon the kitchen had provided from his pocket, and started taking bites of the potatoes in the stew. His stomach greeted the meal with passion._

_He was halfway through the cup, when a man stops walking and just stands infront of him. People do this all the time. Stare at him like he was some zoo animal to gawk at._

_He glares at the man._

_"woah there, kid. Some fire you have there, in your eyes." The man chuckles, "seriously, if it wasn't for your lips practically being blue, I'd say you were warm just from what's inside."_

_"piss off." Jaskier huffs, ducking his head once more and taking a spoonful of stew into his mouth._

_The man squats down, one knee into the snow to keep him stable, and the other raised up. "hey. You're a bit young to be on the streets, right? There's a youth homeless shelter a block away. They'll take you in—"_

_"im 19. An adult. Fuck off." Jaskier scowls, "look, If you want something, just spit it out."_

_"I uh." the man's cheeks colour red. "you busk. Everyday. Here. This is my usual route and I hear you a lot. You have some talent, kid."_

_Jaskier blinks, he hadn't expected that. _

_"I work for a company that finds young talent, whether that be singing, art, anything, y'know? We find them a path that would be of their interest"_

_"are- are you offering me.."_

_"yeah. I am. My name is Feril belligaurd, nice to meet you."_ _he puts his hand out._

_Jaskier gapes for a moment, before taking the man's hand. _

_"Julian— Jaskier. I- fuck. Sorry." he blinks away the tears. "I've been on the streets for a year, trying to find an agent and, I was just about to give up. The winters are getting really hard to deal with."_

_Feril nods, face compassionate. "I know." He pauses, "I know this is weird, to offer, but I have a spare room."_

_Jaskier glances around, glancing at the sign above. Merigold. Triss said she'd be back in the morning, and she would have cleared up the guest room at hers for him. But he was freezing to death, right now. Fuck. Fuck._

_"okay. Shit. I really hope you aren't a murderer or something. Actually, can I see your card?"_

_Feril nods, taking out his wallet— his expensive looking wallet— and pulled out a card. And in fact, there it is. Feril belligaurd, agent for talent._

_Jaskier takes out his phone, its almost dead, but he does a quick Google search and the same thing comes up. Okay. This is okay._

_"alright. Um. Lead the way." _

_Feril holds his hand out, and Jaskier slowly grabs it, picking up his lute case and rucksack, leaving the cup behind in favour of carrying his stuff._

_He shows Jaskier to his car, and very hesitantly, the singer sits. Its an hour later, of slow and awkward ice breakers, that they end up in Feril place. They've talked a bit, and Jaskier isn't oblivious, he can tell when someone is flirting with him._

_And Feril isn't exactly bad looking or, seemingly a bad person, Jaskier could go with this._

_That seemingly hook up turns into reappearing meet ups and after two months after moving in with Triss and signing up with Feril, he has his first date with the man. At a karoake bar._

_He didn't know what a nightmare everything would turn into._

* * *

Geralt sighed into the embrace Vesemir was currently holding him in, burying his nose into his father's neck. 

"come back next winter, okay?"

"yeah. Okay." he confirms, pulling away. He smiled at Vesemir, and as he turned around to head to the car, a hand pats him firmly on the back.

He can't hide his smile, he was happy. Yes, he would miss them. But he would see them next year. He was just happy to have seen them. 

"moron." Lambert called, "c'mere."

Geralt didn't hesitate to step towards him, and smirks when Lambert punches his shoulder.

"you come back next year, you hear?"

"I hear." Geralt nods swiftly and he glances over to the car. Eskel was buckling Ciri up. "we have to go. I-"

"nope. No sappy goodbyes. Cause its not goodbye." Lambert breathes in steadily. "you're going to come back. So it's not goodbye."

Geralt nods slowly. "fine." he pauses, "it's a see you later."

"yeah. See you later." Lambert smiles back at him. "now go. Before Ciri throes a tantrum because she's sitting down alone for too long."

He nods, and heads to the car. Eskel settles into the passager seat, rolling his eyes when Geralt insists he buckle up, but doing so. He puts his keys into the ignition and puts a hand out of the window, waving one last time. Ciri shuffles in her seat, and pokes her head out of the window, yelling goodbyes and screaming about how she would miss them.

He starts driving, and glances into the rear view mirror. He sees Vesemir, Lambert, Aiden and Coen slowly disappear from his sight. 

He looks back at the road. 

And continues driving. 


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaskier talks to Stregobor, then helps Geralt unpack. 
> 
> Geralt, finally back home, attempts to talk with Jaskier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here have some sappiness. I really love writing soft Geralt.

"and well, to me, he's amazing. He's bright. Smart, strong. He's always there for me." He explains, "I just- I love him so, so much."

Stregobor nods, eyes dull as Jaskier described Geralt. He looked bored, and while Jaskier didn't notice, he didn't stop listening.

"Geralt is just.. He's so righteous in his own way. If there is a choice between the lesser or greater evil, he will feel as if it isn't his place to choose. He doesn't think of himself in this high way. He lowers the expectations of himself and thinks so lowly of himself, it frustrates me sometimes because I want him to see what I see—"

As if snapping out of a daze, Stregobor sits up halfway through Jaskier's rambling, eyes wide.

"wait, what was his name again?"

Jaskier raised an eyebrow, chuckling. "Geralt."

Stregobor clenches his jaw, hands clenching on the arm rests. He pondered for a moment, and Jaskier couldn't help but think what significance Geralts name had.

"anyways, uhm. He- he just deserves better, y'know?"

"yes." Stregobor nods slowly. "I see."

"I think you should meet him sometime. I was actually thinking about couples therapy, just because. I mean, there's not many problems between us, but its not bad to have someone to talk to that isn't biased."

Stregobor swallowed, slight nervousness on his face, before he relaxes, eyes sparking with realization as Jaskier had seen many times before since their sessions started. Suddenly the anxiety is gone, and replaced with a cocky smirk.

"I think we should continue our one on one sessions for a while, and after making some progress, we can consider couples therapy." stregobor provides gently, and Jaskier nods slowly.

"i- okay. Okay. I just, y'know. I'm not new to relationships, but I'm new to Geralt, y'know? He's so, so, so different than anyone I've ever been with. I want what's best for us. I really want him."

"and you're sure Geralt loves you?"

Jaskier meets stregobors eyes firmly, and without hesitation, he nods. "yes."

"then I'm sure you both will receive the perfect relationship you want."

* * *

Pulling up to the driveway, Geralt parked the car, and cringed as Cirilla cheered loudly, packing away her switch and grabbing her bag. She practically bursts out of the car and rushes to the door, vibrating with excitement as Geralt exited the car as well and took out his keys, opening up the door. 

Ciri ran to her room, throwing her bag on her bed and immediately begins unpacking. Geralt heads back to the car, taking out his phone, making a gesture to Eskel to help himself inside. 

_[G] hey, I'm home_

_[J] Is it any trouble if I visit?_

_[G] why do you think I'm telling you?_

_[J] I'm on my way :D_

Geralt can't quite help the smile that appears on his face, and as he turns to pick up some bags, he shoves it down to look collected as he makes his way inside. His mask holds up well, because Eskel doesn't ask why he's excited. 

They begin filtering in Eskels stuff, his brother didn't pack much, just the essentials and some clothes and his sketchbooks, to keep him busy. He knows back at the ranch, Vesemir is pretty strict with technology, so they didn't have much but small hobbies to keep them busy. 

As long as it kept Eskel from annoying him when he got bored. 

It doesn't take long for Jaskier to arrive, greeting Geralt at the door, and then takes one of the last bags inside. 

He watches Jaskier blink, and he also notices the slow grin that forms once he meets Eskel, offering him his hand to shake after settling down the last bag. 

"hi." Jaskier begins, grin unfaltering, confidence boosting in a way he hasn't seen in a while. 

"hello." Eskel replies, giving a nervous glance to Geralt before awkwardly shaking Jaskiers hand. He looked surprised, and Geralt knew why. Usually people would stare, stare at him, his scars more specifically. But Jaskier was being casual, non-hesistant and certainly staring. 

"nice to meet you, I'm Jaskier, Geralts totally amazing boyfriend." the singer's grin twists into something mischievous, and Geralt rolls his eyes, but doesn't deny the claim. 

"I see." Eskel shakes his head, smiling slowly. "totally out of his league too." He smirks, giving a look over to his brother. 

"if you both dont shut the fuck up" Geralt shakes his head, holding back the slight chuckle. "Esk, you can settle in the guest room." 

Jaskier awkwardly shuffles as Eskel starts to the guest room to unpack. Geralt watches him with intent, curious and keen to begin this conversation as slyly as possible. They needed to talk about their relationship. About what they were. But he didn't know how to do that without making a fool of himself. 

"how about I cook some lunch today?" Jaskier offers, "you look like you need a break." 

Geralt chuckles, his exhaustion suddenly full of weight. "yeah. I've been on the road with Eskel and Ciri, in a car, for three days. I'm tired as fuck." 

Jaskier smiles, the corner of his eyes crinkling with it. "I can imagine. How about I make some BLTs for lunch? It's literally the easiest thing to make, and I promise not to burn down your kitchen." 

"as long as you don't burn the bacon." 

"how about you supervise me? Don't interfere, just watch. So then you won't have to worry." 

"hm." he nods briskly, and Jaskier gently grabs his hand and drags him to the kitchen. 

He's sat down on the stool by the kitchen island, and watches as Jaskier opens the fridge and finds it empty. 

"oh—shit. I forgot I emptied out the fridge before I left. Everything would have gone old. Sorry." Geralt drags his hand down his face, and Jaskier laughs. 

"its fine. Let's just order in, okay? I'll pay."

"okay, sure." Geralt nods. "but at least let me pay."

"no way. I can already imagine the gas money you spent already, Geralt. I got this. I'm literally a millionare." Jaskier emphasises. "my mum didn't leave me with all this money for me not to spend it. I got this. How about some mcdonalds?" 

Geralt blinks, and nods, tongue dry. 

Jaskier takes out his phone smoothly, and begins tapping away. After a good five minutes, he shows him the order. Its about 40 quid worth of mcdonalds, which is crazy. 

"Jask', we don't need that much food" 

"I haven't had take-out in ages." Jaskier whines. "please. Im craving all of this." 

"most of it is gonna end up in the bin." Geralt deadpans. "just, like, cut half of this out."

Jaskier pouts, but complies, and finally makes the order. He sits down on the stool next to Geralts, and hums happily. 

"how was Kaer Morhen?" he askes, tilting his head to look at Geralt. 

"it was nice. I had a lot of chores to do, but it was nice. Christmas was very fun. Ask Cirilla." 

"I imagine. Having a big family to celebrate with must be a good time." Jaskier smiles, "so, she's learning how to use swords?"

"I was half her age when I knew how to handle one. She'll be fine." Geralt shrugs. "its just a nice skill for her. A hobby."

"i wasn't bad-mouthing swords, Geralt. You didn't have to jump to the defence. I think it's a good idea. If anyone hits on her, she can run them through with one." 

Geralt gives Jaskier an exphasterated look, to which the singer just grins back at. 

"how was, uh, the court stuff?" 

Jaskier shrugs, "a little overwhelming at times, but It's finally over." He looks at Geralt, and smiles. "I can finally move on."

"that's--that's good." 

Jaskier nods, before sighing. He pauses, "is it...is it wrong for me to kind of miss him? I know I shouldn't. I resent him for what he put me through, but- but some part of me misses it. Its twisted, I know. I just. I don't know how to move on." 

Geralts eyebrows pinch together, he's not sure how to reply. It's obviously wrong, that Jaskier misses him, but with all his trauma, with all the abuse and manipulation he'd gone through, Geralt didn't blame him.

"I, I don't know. Honestly. The entire situation was fucked up, and I'm just glad you're safe." he opts to say instead.

Jaskier slowly nods. "yeah. Me too. Any, anyways, I asked Triss whether I could stay with her while I apartment hunted or not, she said I could so.." he smiles awkwardly.

"you're going to look at apartments?"

"yeah. I found a pretty good real estate agent, we're going to go look around tomorrow for places on my price range. I'm not renting, or taking out a mortgage. It's going to be all upfront."

Geralt chews his lip, "that's going to be expensive."

"its fine. I told them my price range was 300,000 to 500,000. And I'm getting paid for a red light district show in downtown soon, you should come."

"is that going to be your first real show?"

"yep!" Jaskier grins. "I'm excited. So fucking hyped."

"I can tell." He murmers, still trying to figure out how to approach the subject of their relationship. "can- can we talk?"

Jaskier blinks, closing his mouth, and nods.

"its about, uhm. Us. I want to get clear on what we are. We- we don't have to put a label on it, if you don't want to." he stammers, nervous.

Jaskier smiles softly, "darling, you're so cute when you're nervous." he sighs, still smiling. "how about, we're a thing in the making, yeah? Dating, but still exclusive and we're reaching the boyfriends term sooner or later."

"okay. Okay. That's--that's good." geralt nods. "I just, wasn't sure how to approach this. You just sent your ex to prison. I didn't know if it was too soon or not."

"hey." Jaskier says firmly, putting his hand on his shoulder and squeezing firmly. "its okay. Trust me. We're okay."

Geralt steadily met his eyes, keeping eye contact for a hot minute before nodding slowly, and leaning close; putting one arm around Jaskiers shoulders, cradling his neck, and the other holds onto his waist as he pulls the other man into a firm embrace.

He can tell Jaskier is startled, but the musician eventually returns the hug just as tightly, and at a knock at the door, they pull away.

"I got it." Jaskier murmers, smiling at Geralt with something the mercenary cannot place. Something between soft fondness, like the breeze that blows dandelions into the air in a nice summer day, and something between conflict, like the way waves clash together during a storm. He steps away, towards the door, and opens it, grabbing the food and taking it in his hands.

Geralt hears him settle the food in the living room, and joins them there, giving Jaskier an unsure smile, not quite certain what to do now that everything wad out there. He favours for calling Cirilla and Eskel to eat.

Once the two arrive and they settle down together to eat their food, Eskel breaks the thick silence.

"i've never had this stuff."

Jaskier blinks, looking at him with slight shock. "you've never had Mcdonalds?"

"mhm. Ever since I left Kaer Morhen, It immediately went into my line of work...i required a strict diet regiment, and after that, I went back to the ranch; there's no fast food places near it." Eskel explains, drawl slightly thick, which Geralt assumes is because he's tired. He watches his brother take a bite of his burger, and then continues to hold back a laugh as Eskel looks horrified. "this..is so greasy. How do you people eat this stuff?" 

"dad barely gets junk food, so," Ciri swallows, giving Eskel an odd look. "it's not that bad." 

"it's.. Okay. Its edible." 

Geralt flinches as loud laughter fills the room, and he snaps his head over to look at Jaskier, who's doubled over laughing. 

"oh man- i- I'm so sorry." He wipes away the small tears building up in the corners of his eyes. "you look so freaked out, I couldn't hold it in. Fuck me, Holy shit. That laugh hurt my chest." Jaskier rubs his hand steadily over his chest, chuckling. 

Geralt smiles, perhaps staring at Jaskier too intently, because the singer glances at him, and gives him a small smirk. He can't help the way his face flushes red, and the way he looks away like a school girl caught staring. 

Jaskier was just so, so pretty when he's happy. 

He couldn't help but stare.

Fuck.

He was so in love.

Geralt silently eats, his stomach bidding a welcome to fast food, and goodbye to food made with love, and as he finishes his burger; he can tell he's going to miss Vesemirs stews, Lamberts (burnt) meat and fresh products. While he picks at his fries, he watches Jaskier and Eskel chat, as Ciri's texting on her phone between them.

He glances between Eskel and Jaskier for a moment, before focusing on Ciri. She looks so invested on her phone, and the sudden realisation dawns in as he looks at her. She's so grown up, he swore a minute ago, he was teaching her how to properly fix what shapes into what box. She's what, 15, 16? That's way too old for Geralts comfort. Soon enough she was going to be graduating (an exaggeration, his mind provides. She still had two year left of high school). Some moments, he forgets how old she is, especially when she acts so youthful. 

"who, uh, who are you texting?" Geralts speaks up, and the chatter between Jaskier and Eskel dies down.

Ciri glances up, humming. "dara."

Eskel smirks, glancing over at her phone. "uh, that doesn't say dara, kid."

Ciri shuffles away, hitting Eskel on the bicep with her hand, and his brother fakes hurt, pouting at her. "uncle!" she huffs, before looking back at Geralt. "just some girl in my class. She's letting me know she picked up my class schedule for me while i was away. I'm going to meet her tomorrow to grab it"

"oh, it's your next year after New years, right?" Geralt pauses, "we need to go school shopping for you"

"just give me the money for tomorrow, I can grab it at the mall." she shrugs, glancing back at her phone.

Geralt was unsure of what to do, she seemed disinterested, but during the time they were at kaer morhen, they were so close. He guessed it was because she didn't have wifi, then. He frowned at that, hands settling on his lap, eyes flickering away from Ciri to his food.

Jaskier hummed suddenly, "say, how about we start the next episode of _Daredevil_, dear heart?"

Right. Distraction, that would help. 

Geralt nods, "yeah. Sure. We left off at the trail right?"

"yep." Jaskier nods, turning on the TV and putting Netflix up.

Eskel looks thoroughly confused through it all, watching the TV as Jaskier puts up the show. 

"what's Daredevil?"

Geralt blinks, and Jaskier breathes in steadily, and without hesitation bursts into an explanation of the show. He watches as Eskel sweats, confused, but nods when Jaskier is finished.

Time passes, and they've watched around three episodes, when Ciri leaves them and heads to her room, and halfway around the fourth episode, Eskel settles for bed too.

It's not too late, but he guesses the trip here really took it out of them, as the apartment is quiet besides from the TV.

Jaskier shuffles up close, sitting where Eskel had been before, right next to Geralt, except closer. So, so, close. Geralt relaxes slightly, watching Jaskier for a moment, before settling his arm around him, and looking back at the TV. The singer looks surprised at the touch, but doesn't pull away, instead indulging and pushing closer. His hand settles on Geralt's thigh, fingers barely grazing the inside of his legs, and yet the touch is so intimate.

It's weird to be this close after a week or more of being apart, but geralt doesn't hate it. He scolds himself for liking the contact and, well, Jaskier. Attachment links to trouble and hurt. 

But right now, in this very moment, as he let the moment settle, he realised that even if this was finite, it was worth it. 

Jaskier was worth trouble, and hurt. 

* * *

By the time Jaskier leaves Geralts place, its nearly midnight, and while Geralt insists he stays, he didn't want to intrude. But as he stepped out of the front door, eyes widening as he was met by heavy rain, on the snow that was already there, he realised he didn't have much of a choice.

Geralt gave him a knowing look, and invited him back in. 

He sighed, giving Geralt a sorry look. He really didn't want to be a bother and intrude like this, when he should be relaxing after his long journey. 

"hey. Its okay." Geralt offers, "I really don't mind. It wouldn't be the first time you stayed over."

Jaskier nods, unsure of what to say.

"thank you." seemed like a good place to start, and his face flushed as Geralt nodded.

They head into Geralts room, and he watches as he scoured through his drawer, just to pull out a sweater and some slacks. He hands them to Jaskier, and then turns around very dramatically as if to make a show of it that he was very much indeed not looking.

But jaskier just snorted, chuckling. Despite it, he changed anyways, "we're both men, here, Geralt. And plus, I wouldn't really mind you watching me." He smirked as the corners of Geralt's ears turned red.

"hm." Geralt fiddled with the corner of his sleeve, and Jaskier gave him a look as he turned around.

"aren't you going to change?"

Geralt met his eyes, chewing his lip. "turn around."

Jaskier smiled, "if that's what you want." and turned around quickly.

He could hear the shuffling of clothes, as Geralt changed, and not even a minute later, he was done. He let's Geralt grab his hand, and pull him into the bed gently, but he's the one that once again pushes close, wrapping his arms around the mercenary.

Geralt rests his nose at Jaskier hair, breathing in steadily. "you..you never mind to touch me."

"of course not." Jaskier murmurs, pressing his lips to Geralt's neck just ever so gently, he was sure it was barely felt.

"I..have scars."

"okay." Jaskier hums.

"I'm..-"

"beautiful." the singer finishes for him. "pretty."

"you're worth it." Geralt blurts. "but I'm not so sure I'm worth it, for, for you."

Jaskier lifts his head up, bringing a hand to Geralt's cold cheek, and sighing softly.

"trust me when I say this, Geralt. Your insecurities are just that. Insecurities. They hold no truth, and they never will. You are amazing, scars and all."

Jaskier swore he saw tears fill Geralt's eyes.

"I don't want to hurt you, not-not again. And I don't want to push you away either. I've decided."

"decided what?" Jaskier tilts his head ever so slightly.

"that- that I will go through hurt, and trouble, and _hell_, I swear, for you."

"and I, you." Jaskier smiles, before yawning. "let's get some rest now. Okay?"

"yeah." Geralt nods.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter really fought me, but I'm glad it's finally fucking done. It's mostly a filler, so I'm sorry it's short and that it took so long to get out. I'm sorry about any mistakes too, I'm really not doing well right now. I will still try to push these chapters out, even if it takes me a while. I just hope y'all are patient.
> 
> Thanks for reading, love you guys lmao. The comments always mean so much to me, they really do cheer me up, but you are under no obligation to comment. I'm just glad you guys are reading this in the first place 😊


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Geralt deals with the fact that ciri is no longer a child and will in fact fall in love and go on dates, and then continues to have frisky times with Jaskier.
> 
> Jaskier has a therapy session with stregobour, and he admits he's beginning to finally feel at home in his own body once again.
> 
> Geralt has a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, some smut up ahead, but no actual sex.
> 
> I barely write smut, and Im pretty sure i suck at it but here you go.
> 
> TW FOR SUCIDAL IMPLICATIONS.

When he wakes up, it's to the sun shining through the curtains, and the first thing he notices is how the blanket is on the floor and Jaskier has somehow entangled them together, with his right leg folded beneath Geralt and the other on top of him. His face is in Geralt's hair and his arms are wrapped tightly around him. After assessing the situation, Geralt decides there is no way to get out of this without waking Jaskier.

Well. Its a bit too early to get up anyways. 

He wraps his arms back around Jaskier, staring at the man embraced in his arms fondly. He looked so pretty like this. Vulnerable. Peaceful.

Maybe he should stop staring. 

Its getting creepy. 

But he can't really help it when Jaskier is _right_ there. Seriously.

He can't help but smile as Jaskier smiles in his sleep as Geralt holds him closer. 

This was nice.

A moment of peace. It felt like he hadn't gotten something like this in ages. 

He decides to live in the moment, and continues holding Jaskier tightly. He blinks a couple times as the sun shines brightly in his face, filtering through directly onto him. He closes his eyes for a moment, the brightness burning them.

He slowly shuffles to the side a bit, still not letting go of Jaskier, and tries to find a comfortable spot where the sun won't attack him.

After fidgeting for a bit, Jaskier grumbles, and blinks his eyes open. His hair is sticking out in odd areas and there's a little drool coming out of mouth, and he squints at Geralt. 

"why the hell are you moving so much?" he mumbles, nestling his face into Geralt's hair again.

The older of the two chuckles, and cringes at having woken up the singer. 

"sorry. The sun was in my face."

"mmm.. This is why you don't get opaque curtains." he sighs.

"I was trying not to wake you up, princess." Geralt rolls his eyes.

Jaskier lifts his head and glares playfully at the mercenary, "sure, with the way you were moving, I wouldn't be surprised if half of Asia was awake by now."

"excuse me? I have the stealth of a trained assassin. I know for a fact I was moving very carefully. You're just sensitive." Geralt bickers back.

Jaskier untangles them with dramatics, sitting up with a pretend offended face. "sensitive? How dare you!" he crosses his arms, "I am not sensitive. I am just volatile. You just have no sense of what you do, mister."

Geralt gives him an unamused look. "well, Mr Volatile. If you're going to act like that, you won't be getting any of my handmade pancakes this morning."

Jaskier's face falls, and he begins to pout. "what?? Noo." he whines. "I was just joking. Make me some pancakes"

Geralt smirks, and snorts. "yeah, okay. Fine. Just go brush your teeth. You and your morning breath are starting to become too much."

"oh? Is it too much for a kiss?" Jaskier grins, and leans close, and Geralt fakes disgust, but leans closer and catches Jaskier's lips.

After briefly lingering together, they part, and Geralt already knows his cheeks are red as Jaskier chuckles and pats the side of his face.

"do you have a spare tooth brush?" he asks, shuffling to the edge of the bed and getting up.

"I should do. In the cabinet mirror in the bathroom. There'll be a pack of spare toothbrushes there. The ones in the cup by the sink are mine and Ciris. Any of the others are for grabs." Geralt nods.

Jaskier stretchs, and begins his way to the bathroom. Geralt follows his lead, also having to brush his teeth.

After they both brush and spit, they head into the kitchen. Geralt grabs the apron and puts it on, as instinct. This was routine for him since Ciri was a kid. He'd always make her breakfast.

He takes out a large steel bowl and begins making the pancake batter, but instead of milk, he uses water, considering he threw out everything in the fridge alongside the milk, and uses a bit of baking soda instead of eggs. The thing about his childhood, was that watching the mentors cook at kaer morhen meant he basically figured out all the substitutes to use when you don't have a certain thing. It made getting by easy.

Jaskier sits at the stool by the kitchen island much like last night, and started chatting away. 

Geralt doesn't say much, just letting Jaskier ramble, and giving the small input every now and then, but as he starts stacking up the pancakes in plates, Jaskier quiets down. Geralt guesses he noticed it was still a bit early to be that energetic. 

He puts Jaskiers plate in front of him, and passes him some honey too. For a bit of an extra touch, he puts some powdered sugar on top of the pancakes. 

Ciri and Eskel walk into the kitchen, taking their seats at the island, and Ciri yawns unceremoniously.

"cover your mouth when you yawn." Geralt reminds her gently, putting her plate in front of her and doing the same with hers, with the powdered sugar and all. He repeats the gesture with Eskel.

"so uh. Eskel" Jaskier begins, "how long are you staying in town?"

Eskel hums, swallowing the food in his mouth and takes a moment to answer, "hopefully not long. I'm trying to get back into work, and I found a contracter here. So it was convenient for me to come here with Geralt."

Ciri doesn't seem to be paying attention, once more absorbed into her phone, a small smile on her face as she continues to text. 

"Ciri?" Geralt raises an eyebrow. "when are you going to go visit that friend of yours? Do you want some cash?"

"oh, I'm leaving in an hour or two. And it's fine. I should be fine with what I have in my wallet already" she shakes her head, giving Geralt a reassuring look.

Geralt nods slowly, pushing back the voice in his head that something was going to go wrong. He ignored his gut and began on his coffee.

Jaskier sighed loudly, and dramatically. "well. This breakfast was very nice, darling. Thank you." He picks up his empty plate and goes around Geralt to the sink.

Geralt watches as he turns on the tap and begins to scrub the plate and utensils, humming to himself. As the kettle finally went off, Geralt finished making his instant coffee, sipping it slowly.

Ciri made quite a show of finishing her plate, quickly rushing away to her room to dress. Jaskier glances back at the kitchen island and picks up her plate and cutlery, also washing them. 

"I think someone has a date." Jaskier murmers, giving Geralt a smirk. "she seems eager to meet this friend. Even if it's not a date, she definitely has feelings for this person."

Geralt frowned. "no. No. She's just excited to get out and meet her friend."

Eskel snorts, picking at his pancakes. "sure. Stay in denial. She's growing up. I wouldn't put it past her for having a date and not telling you just yet."

"she tells me everything. Everything. I would know if she had a date." Geralt furrows his brows, cupping his mug tightly.

"yeah, and I can walk on the sun." Jaskier chuckles. "let her live."

Geralt glares at him lightly. "she's my daughter."

Jaskier's feet shuffle, and he directs his gaze back to the sink. "still. I'm just saying."

Silence settles over the room, and Geralt takes a gulp of his coffee. "I don't- ugh. I don't want her to grow up- and, and fall in love and get her heart broken. She deserves so much more."

Jaskier turns off the tap and grabs a couple paper towels, wiping off his hands. "heartbreak is apart of growing up and learning and living. You have to let this happen."

"well, the least I want is for her to be honest with me about this stuff. I want to know if she's going on a date, and who with."

Eskel chuckles, "and pull what you did with my first girlfriend? Threaten her and scare her away?"

"hey." Geralt huffs at him, "I was making sure she was going to be nice. She was a bitch anyways, I saved your ass."

"my ass didn't need saving, and neither will Ciris. Just let this happen." Eskel repeats. "anyways, I'm going to go meet my contractor. Guess you two will have the place for yourselves for a while."

"I actually have an appointment with my therapist soon so." Jaskier nods, "but I probably won't have to leave for an hour."

Geralt watches Eskel leave, and Jaskier sighs once more, before smiling at Geralt brightly.

"don't stress out. Don't be a helicopter parent. Things will be okay." Jaskier takes Geralt's hands, and kisses his knuckles gently, his soft lips brushing against dry skin. "we have an hour to ourselves." he gives Geralt a cheeky grin, slipping his hand underneath his shirt and resting it on his stomach.

"we aren't alone yet." Geralt gives him a look, but doesn't push him away.

"mmm.. I guess I'll wait." he hums, continuing to grin, and drags his hand away from Geralt, and the mercenary misses the touch almost immediately. "I missed you so much."

"I missed you too." he meets Jaskier's eyes. "do you seriously think ciri has a date?"

Jaskier laughs, "I'm trying to seduce you and you're still thinking about that?"

Geralt rolls his eyes, "like I need much seducing. You can just ask me if you need attention from me."

Jaskier looks offended, mouth agape. "attention? How ridiculous? I don't only want attention."

The witcher can't help but bark a laugh at that and Jaskier pouts at him, giving him a glare. 

"okay. Okay. As soon as esk and ciri leave, I'll give you everything you want. For now, let me finish my coffee." Geralt smiles at the singer, and the man returns it with a sly look in his eyes.

When ciri and eskel do finally leave, Jaskier is immediately on him, kissing him with a passion that could go against the sun, and he wraps his arms around Geralt, and the mercenary just melts; and kisses back just as passionately.

Showing affection wasn't Geralt's strong suit, but he could still try. He settles his coffee mug down absent-mindedly, and let's Jaskier pull away.

"your breath smells like coffee, and it tastes like it too." the singer smirks, "how about we get this shirt off of you?"

Geralt grumbles, "you better not tell your therapist about this"

"if I did, I would tell him how magnificent you looked and how you tasted so bitter, and yet so good. Addicting like caffeine."

"okay- okay, poet. Let's calm down with the fancy words, and maybe speed up this making out."

Jaskier helps Geralt take off his shirt, and is immediately pressing love kisses to his collarbone, and chest. Geralt stuffs his nose into the crook of Jaskiers neck as he attacks his chest with love bites and hickeys.

"you smell nice." Geralt whispers, and Jaskier hums, leaving a gentle kiss over a harsh bite on the merc's pec.

"I should hope so." Jaskier whispers back, lifting his head and letting his lips and tongue meet Geralt's once more.

They make out for a while, Jaskier pressing Geralt to the kitchen counter, and they're too in the moment to focus on anything else. Geralt doesn't mind this, nothing plagues his mind but the idea of having Jaskier, having this man in his arms. While still smothering each others faces, Geralt tugs at Jaskiers, well his, shirt and the musician inclines and pulls it up and over his head smoothly, tearing away from Geralt for just a moment.

"fuck." Geralt whispers, pulling Jaskier close by his waist and giving the other man little nips on his neck and hairy chest.

"do you think we have time to go all the way?" Jaskier hums, running his hands through Geralt's hair.

Geralt is slightly kneeling at this point, ready to get on his knees, and he glances up at Jaskier steadily. "do you want to?"

Jaskiers face goes red, and he smiles softly. "of course I do. Do you?"

Geralt rests his hands on Jaskiers hips, thinking for a minute. "I'm not sure. Can we take things slow? Is that okay?"

"of course." Jaskier nods, letting his knuckles drag along Geralt's cheekbones delicately.

"I want to suck you off." Geralt warns, "is that okay?"

Geralt doesn't want to startle Jaskier, considering how he's recently just left Feril, so he's doing his best to be cautious with all his actions and letting the other know clearly what he's doing. 

"oh, love. That would be amazing." Jaskier breathes into the air, like a slight gasp.

Geralt doesn't hesitate to slowly pull down Jaskiers pajama bottoms and his boxers, immediately taking Jaskiers cock into his mouth, sucking with intent.

"hey, hey." Jaskier licks his lips, "you don't need to rush. I want us to take our time. Take your time."

Geralt gives him a glare, and Jaskier chuckles. 

"what? You want me to come right now? Cause I will if you keep going like that. I mean, I guess that's the point but like, I want to appreciate this sight for a bit longer, y'know?"

Geralt pulls away from Jaskiers cock to speak for a second, "if you don't shut up, I'm going to suck you off till you come, and then continue to do so until you're so overstimulated that you can't even breathe."

Jaskiers jaw snaps shut, and he just puts a hand on his face as Geralt takes him in again. The mercenary takes his time, like Jaskier suggested, because he wanted to keep this bliss for a while. He sucks and licks, and strokes where he can't quite reach just yet, and praises himself mentally when Jaskiers thighs start trembling with the threat of orgasm. That's when he pulls away and smirks at the whine that leaves Jaskiers throat. He continues to stroke Jaskiers hard cock, and does the same to his with his other hand.

"c'mon, please." Jaskier begs, ears flushed red and his eyes dilated.

"I thought you wanted me to take my time?"

"Geralt!" Jaskier whines again, "I swear-" his hand gives Geralt's hair a gentle tug, and the older of the two rolls his eyes and indulges, taking the cock back into his mouth.

He let's it rest, feeling his heavy, and thick it was on his tongue, practically preening at the precum that went down his throat. He dared to go forward and take more; his nose meeting Jaskier's pubic hair.

Before he knows it, Jaskier gasps, "I'm coming!" he warns, and Geralt firmly keeps Jaskier in place, a hand in the man's hip (while the other strokes himself) and let's most of the come go down his throat, while some drips down his chin from his mouth. He keeps eye contact with Jaskier as he swallows and as soon as he does that; Jaskier pulls out and kneels down, bringing him into a kiss so intimate and intense, Geralt feels like he could cry.

"fuck. That was so hot." Jaskier murmers, taking Geralt into hand and stroking him with circular motions, up and down, and teases his cockhead. Geralt was already in the verge of orgasm just from seeing Jaskiers face as he came, but this completely pushed him off the edge and he comes on Jaskier's hand, resting his forehead on the other man's shoulder.

"I love you." Geralt admits, "fuck. That was good."

"I love you too." Jaskier nods, bringing his clean hand to cup Geralt's cheek, dragging his hand down slowly and using his thumb to clean up the little bits of cum that still remained on Geralt's cheek.

"I need to shower. I haven't showered in four days."

Jaskier grinned, "you smell like an old car, not that I mind. How about I join you? It's been a day since I showered."

* * *

"how was your morning?"

Jaskier folds his legs over one an other, and smiles. "eventful. I stayed at Geralt's last night. We cuddled and he make pancakes this morning."

"he bakes for you?"

"yeah." Jaskier nods, shrugging. "I wouldn't say for me specifically, he has a daughter to make breakfast for. I was just there, I guess"

"a daughter?" Stregobour raises an eyebrow.

"yes. She's the cutest, sassiest little girl you will ever see." Jaskier hums, "that's besides the point. He, well.. Geralt makes me feel happy. I think I'm really beginning to appreciate that more."

Stregobour nods slowly. "you talk a lot about him. In our last two sessions, you talk more about him than yourself. I'm beginning to feel like you're avoiding what we talked about, Julian."

Jaskier fidgets, clear panic written on his face as his lips purse, eyebrows furrow and eyes avoid contact with Stregobours. "I'm not doing it on purpose, if that's what you're saying."

"don't lie to me, now. Come on."

He looks up, and sighs, "okay. Okay. I'm sorry. I am doing it on purpose. As much as I know we have to confront it, I don't want to mention him. Or what he did to me. Or how I'm feeling. I don't like thinking about it."

"thank you for being honest." settling down his notes on his lap flatly, Stregobour leans back in his chair and smiles oddly. "I think it would be good to talk about it. I won't force you, but I'm sure that it will help make progress if we just face the issue at hand immediately and we can discuss anything else later."

"fine. Okay. What do you want to hear?"

"have you been getting anymore nightmares?"

Jaskier shrugs. "it's not like I schedule them. I had a lot of them after the trial, but last night when I slept with Geralt, I was fine. Its an on-and-off type of thing I guess." he chews his lip. "recently I've been feeling like.. Its different now. That's he's finally away, in prison, and I'm still out here. I'm not getting hurt anymore. I don't have anything to be scared of. But I can't help but feel... Apprehensive. Like this is only temporary, and I'm going to see him sooner or later, and he's going to kill me like he said he would."

The musician leans forward, back bending and elbows settled on his knees. "I shouldn't miss him. I don't- I don't miss him, per se. I think I miss the constant. Like I knew when it was going to happen. My mind already knew what was most likely gonna happen when I got home, or-or if I talked to someone who wasn't him, there were going to be consequences. And that was stable. That was solid. That was..a bedrock for me to depend on. I don't like uncertainty, and now that he's gone, I don't know what will happen if I eat a certain amount of food, or - or, what happens if I sleep in. "

"you liked the order his wrath gave you. He was direct about what he wanted to happen with you, and you depended on that. I understand, now. It's a difficult change to go through, knowing that if you do something, it will result in hurt, and pain, and now, that possibility isn't there anymore." Stregobour nods.

"exactly." He tilts his head. "but now that's he's gone, Im not scared to try new things, or to talk to people I want to talk to. I'm glad he's gone, honestly. Seriously. I'm glad I'm finally home in my own body, without him pulling the puppet strings to my actions. I'm glad I don't have panic attacks when i don't get home at a certain time." Jaskier rubs his face. "but I feel bad for feeling how I'm feeling. I'm so mixed up, one day I'm going to miss him and the other day I'm going to be cursing his name. I know people like me, people who got a-abused, they don't get that privilege and I feel guilty for feeling how I feel. It's fucked up. "

Stregobour writes something down on his notepad, and doesn't interrupt Jaskier. It's been a couple sessions since they've met and its been difficult to even get Jaskier to talk about feril, so the fact he was talking so much, opening up about this topic so vividly, was a gigantic step and Stregobour was, well, proud.

"it's not fucked up." Stregobour assures. "everyone's experiences are different and everyone recovers differently. No one can expect you to be immediately happy, and Immediately back to normal. This is going to take a while. But I'm proud of you. You've made honest progress."

Jaskier smiles, unsure in himself, but thankful for the reassurance. He glances at the time, and sighs again, standing.

"this was- well. Nice. I'm glad i got that off my shoulders."

"of course. Same time next week?"

Jaskier nods, shaking stregobour's hand and making his way outside of the office. Now he had his appointment with his real estate agent, they were going to take a look at the apartments around the city.

As he stepped out into the street, Jaskier felt lighter. 

* * *

He wasn't following her. 

He wasn't. He swore on melitele. 

Okay, maybe he was following her. 

But could you blame him?

Geralt was worried about his daughter. He was not about to let her go on a date without at least seeing who this person is.

As ciri turned to look over her shoulder, Geralt pulled his baseball cap down and hid his face, his hair tied up and tucked into the cap to disguise him further. He blended into the crowd as he stepped into the mall behind ciri.

He follows her up the escalator, a little behind her, behind a couple that won't stop making out, and peaking through to her every now and then. She looks like she's looking around, most likely trying to see if this person was here yet. 

It was odd, because if this person stood her up, Geralt wouldn't know whether to be mad or happy. 

He watches as Ciri steps off the escalator and jogs slightly to meet this person halfway, hugging them immediately, and Geralt idly goes to one of the shops, keeping Ciri and this person in his peripheral. 

Ciri's date was a girl, who looked similar to her age, and similar to her build. And when she took Ciri's hand tightly, Geralt couldn't help but narrow his eyes and glare. 

"oh- here. Your schedule for the new year like promised." The girl grins, taking it out of her bag. "I even put down a heart next to the classes we share!"

Ciri blushes, and folds the schedule back up and into her pocket. "thanks. So, lunch?" 

"sure. I had a big breakfast though, so don't expect me to eat a lot" The girl informs, and Geralt follows them as they make their way to the food court. 

He pretends to look at the menu of one of the stalls, still eavesdropping as the two girls grab lunch and sit down together. 

"ah god! I can't believe what happened last year with the exams! Totally fucked, right?" Ciri huffs, "I can't believe they did us like that. Seriously, not even telling us when the exams were due. We couldn't even prepare and study." 

"yeah. It was a totally dick move from the school" the girl agrees, "I somehow passed most of mine, though. What about you?" 

Ciri shifts in her chair, and pokes at her food. "I failed almost all of my exams. I only passed two. I haven't told my dad or mum, yet." She confesses, mouth pinched and eyes cast down towards her food. 

Geralt didn't know that.

"why not? Are they strict?" 

"my mum has high expectations, but honestly, it's my dad I'm worried about disappointing. He thinks I'm still his baby daughter. I'm just- sorry for ruining the mood." 

"hey, no." The girl sighs, putting her hand on Ciris, giving her a reassuring look. "it's fine. Vent. I don't mind." 

Ciri meets her eyes pensively. "well. Okay. Um. I've always been like, the gifted kid, y'know? My mum said since I was small I've been extremely smart and mature, said it was probably from experiencing everything I experienced. I was never pushed to make a real effort because it was all just there. And now I can't manage to do anything. My dad still thinks I'm a straight A student. He doesn't even know I've been failing for the last two years." she takes a shaky breath. "I'm terrified of him finding out." 

Does he scare her? 

"why?" the girl grows concerned, "is he- would he hurt you?" 

Geralt has to put a hand over his mouth to keep himself from growling at the question, so- so outraged of the idea of even hurting ciri, so appalled at anyone even thinking he would. 

"no!" ciri rushes out, "sweet melitele, no. I'm scared because I don't want to disappoint him. I still want him to think of me as- as good and smart and 'gifted'" 

Ciri's date nods. "I see." 

"I think I should tell him." 

"I think so too. I'm sure he'd understand. From what you've told me about him I'm sure he'd be supportive of you no matter what." 

Ciri nods and smiles. "I hope so. I'll tell him tonight. On our way to Cintra Capital."

"y'all are leaving again?" 

"yeah. Gotta visit my families grave."

The girl nods, "text me when you get there, okay? I want to be there for you." 

Ciri blushes again and nods, "thank you. For letting me vent. For being here for me. You're the best girlfriend I could ever ask for." 

Oh. This isn't a date. They were already together. 

He really didn't know ciri at all, did he?

Geralt pulls his cap down again, and walks past the girls, leaving them behind as he makes his way out of the mall. He rushes outside, and breathes in the fresh air like its heaven, and looks st the ground as he makes his way home. 

He was..ashamed. He didn't know ciri as well as he thought he did. 

He thought she was soaring through school. He thought that at the end of her secondary education, she would get accepted into Cintra University without effort, like she said she would, to reassure him. 

How could he just leave it at that? 

She needed support, she needed— she needed him and he thought she was okay without the extra help. 

She always seemed to independent to him. Even if she was still his baby girl to him. 

He couldn't believe it got this far without him questioning any of it. 

When she tells him about her grades, he'll support her unconditionally, he swears.

He has to. 

He gets home after an hour, walking slowly to think about everything. Eskel is back, walking out of the bathroom half naked, wet. He glances at Geralt, opening his mouth to talk, in which Geralt just walks past him; and into the bathroom.

He opens the cabinet and is aware of Eskel hovering slightly at the door, watching him pensively. His fingernails scrap against the wood and glass, as he reaches for his bottle of pills. He pops it open, and shakes some onto his hand, desperately needing the pills to get rid of this feeling of dread and guilt and— the feeling of having disappointed someone, even know he knows he hadn't done anything directly.

Geralt stares down at his palm, there's five pills in his hand. His limit is two a day. He blinks blankly, and looks at the bottle of pills again. He pours three back in hesitantly. He dry swallows the other two, and a feeling of calm washs over him like a wave.

He sweats, and looks to the side, meeting Eskels eyes.

His brother nods slowly, and gives him a reassuring smile, before walking off; the paddling of his feet falling into the buzzing that fills Geralt's ears.

Its just noise. Just static. He looks back at his bottle of pills. Counting the amount in there.

35.

The static gets louder, and his ears start buzzing and ringing like bees and a very obnoxious door bell. 

He blinks, and puts the bottle of pills back in the cabinet, and closes it. His hand doesn't leave the small handle for a while, he's sweating as if he just ran a marathon, and he pants lightly.

Not today. 

Not again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 😬 Geralt needs help.
> 
> The next chapter will be a continuation of this day in fic time. After that, Geralt and ciri will be heading to Cintra for new years. I'm not going to clarify that in the fic, and I wanted to make sure y'all got that since I usually do these chapters as day after day.
> 
> From this point forward, there will be a lot of talk of suicide, self-harm and violence. It will be getting dark. I just want everyone to understand. If you cannot handle that, then please click off for your own safety.
> 
> The national suicide prevention hotline:  
116 123
> 
> A website, if you cannot contact them via phone call: https://www.samaritans.org/
> 
> The national domestic violence hotline:  
0808 2000 247.
> 
> A resource guide, for domestic violence, to help provide guidance if you cannot get into contact with the phone number above: https://www.healthline.com/health/domestic-violence-resource-guide 
> 
> Please stay safe. Thank you.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaskier finds an apartment that appeals to him, and continues to do the final paperwork in the same day. He and Geralt talk, and is happy to find his boyfriend ask him to join them to cintra capital. 
> 
> Geralt is not okay. He, ciri and jaskier begin their car ride to cintra capital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not me projecting onto Geralt lmao, enjoy.   
Sorry this one took so long. I'm finally drawing my webtoon, after two years of scripting, and planning. I've also been figuring stuff out with my identity and mental health, but hey! This chapter is finally out. Thank you guys for being so patient with me.

Cozy. It was cozy yet roomy, not too small but not too big. It had a office room he could easily turn into a studio to practice in. There was one bedroom, and it was big enough for everything Jaskier could want in there. The kitchen was small, but big enough to have some free space. The living room had a fireplace, and built in bookshelves into the walls. There was a door to the balacony, where he could have a perfect view of the Riverside from here. 

It was a lot, for one person though. But it was enough. It was a very appealing bargain. The market price for the place was brought down once the previous owners died from faulty roofing, but the city had it fixed and it was a pretty nice apartment.

He did a great deal of inspecting too, checking behind furniture, and the vintage paintings that definitely had to go, to make sure there was no mold or anything.

He spent at least an hour and a half just looking around. 

This was it. 

This was definitely it. 

He looked at his real estate agent and smiled, "yeah. This one is nice. I like it. I think this is it."

His real estate agent grins, and nods. "now, you said you wanted to pay the lease upfront in full. There's no law prohibiting it, but it'll have a lot more paperwork than renting out the place." she hums, "I'll print everything out back at the office, all you have to do is be there in an hour. Its almost my lunch break anyways."

Jaskier nods, and takes this chance to head to merigold, finally seeing triss after a long time. 

He walks into the coffee shop, stepping aside for a lady who's ranting on the phone holding a fresh coffee could leave. He looks around, its pretty empty today, and the workers look bored. It seemed to be a slow day. As he approachs the counter, the barista looks up, someone he doesn't recognise, and huffs. 

"hello, welcome to Merigold. What can I get you today?" the barista asks, and Jaskier pretends to consider his order. 

"a caramel frappe, with an extra shot of coffee, please. Oooh-" he glances at the display, "and a cookie too. You guys still have the white chocolate and red velvet mix?" 

"uhm.." The barista looks confused, looking back for help. Triss at the back, making an order, glances over at the counter and does a double take at Jasker. 

"oh!" she pops the lid on the order and puts it on the counter to be collected, and grins. She walks over. "hey, Jask. This is our new barista, toruviel." 

The tall woman nods at him, and he smiles at her. 

"he was just asking if he had some type of cookie, uhh, the velvet and white chocolate mix." Toruviel tells Triss. 

Triss puts a hand on her hip, and sighs. "sorry, jas. We stopped taking that brand's cookie mix. They stopped selling it in bulk. We have chocolate cookies though." 

"ahh. It's fine then." Jaskier pouts, those were his favourites. He hands over the cash to the barista, who nods at him once more and gives Triss his order. 

It takes five minutes, for the coffee to be served. In which he stops Triss, as she hands it to him.

"have a minute to chat?" he smiles at her, and Triss glances around, and nods, considering there were no more orders coming in. 

"so?" she tilts her head, "having any luck apartment hunting?"

Jaskier blows a raspberry, "pshh, I'm a pro at it. Found a place lickety split. I'm finishing up the paperwork today."

Triss hums, "it took me a while to find my perfect place. Are you sure you're happy with this one?" 

"yep. It's the best for my budget, and it has a pretty nice view of the river." jaskier nods, taking a sip of his coffee. "say, uh, I'm not doing anything for new years. Are you busy?" 

Triss sighs, "yeah. Sorry, jas'. I promised yenn and tissaia I would have a girls night out with them. We're going to be partying." 

Jaskier straightens out his back and casts his gaze downwards. "that sucks. I guess i'l be spending new years in my new place. Alone. Just, well, unboxing shit. Probably getting drunk." he shrugs, "it's not gonna be the worst new years ever." 

Triss laughs, "oh, man. Don't remind me about last new years. We spent weeks cleaning up the apartment. That party was a total shit show." 

"if only a certain someone listened to me, and put the alcohol away before 11." he gave her a look.

"the whiskey was good!" she huffs, shoving his shoulder. "at least this new years, Feril won't be there, huh?" 

"ugh." he rolls his eyes. "don't remind me. He was such an asshole last new years." 

"jaskier. He's always an asshole." She grins, laughing. 

Jaskier can't help but laugh too, cheeks hurting from smiling so much. He didn't remember the last time that happened. 

After they calm down, Jaskier sighs in relief as he catches his breath, "I wanted to spend new years with Geralt, but he's going to cintra capital with Ciri. I didn't want to intrude." 

"he'll probably ask you." Triss shrugs. "he took Yenn last year." 

"yennefer is basically Ciri's mom. It's different. I'm just his boyfriend." 

Triss rolls her eyes. "just his boyfriend? That man Is in love with you, dude. He looks at you like you're the sun. You may as well be Ciri's second dad." 

Jaskier cups his drink with both hands, and sighs. "Mm"

* * *

When Geralt finally leaves the bathroom, Eskel had finally dressed and dried off. He's somewhat just lingering in the hallway, shoulders slumping with relief as Geralt finally leaves. They share a steady look, before Geralt walks past him.

"Geralt," Eskel stops him, and the mercenary turns around slowly.

"hm?"

"I, uh. I just want you to know I'm proud of you." Eskel tells him firmly, and Geralt blinks, unsure of what to say.

"thanks." He turns his face away from his brother's gaze, and he can't help but smile at the comment.

It's immediately floundered as he remembers he's not a good person. He doesn't deserve to feel happy.

"I'm uh. While you guys are away, I'm going to go grocery shopping since the fridge is a desert. Is there anything I should know to get?" Eskel askes, awkwardly putting his hand on Geralt's shoulder. "I mean, I am going to be here alone during New years." 

"uh, well. Ciri really likes this particular vegan brand of tofu meat. It's pretty pricey though. I can, uh, give you some money to get the groceries. You are our guest."

"it's fine, Geralt, seriously. You're my brother." Eskel shrugs. "I, also.., well. I lied to you, earlier. I wasn't talking to my contractor this morning." he admits, "I just want to get this out of the way. I went to my first appointment with a therapist."

"huh." Geralt acknowledges him with a hard look, turning his face to look at him again. His gaze turns cool, and controlled.

"yeah."

"okay." Geralt nods. "okay. That's good for you. I don't really care." 

Anyone who knows Geralt as well as Eskel does, could obviously pinpoint the bitter undertone to his words. Its harsh yet stone cold, and as soon as the words come out, Geralt feels guilty as Eskel steps back, eyes cast downwards.

" right. "

Geralt picks at the skin around his fingernails, and he feels like his heart is beating too fast. Fuck. His medication feels like it didn't work at all.

"sorry. I- sorry. I'm happy for you, eskel." Geralt offers, and his brother nods slowly, meeting his eyes again.

He knows eskel has thick skin, and there is rarely any time he gets hurt from someone's words, but his brother opened up to him, and let himself be vulnerable; and Geralt didn't react how he expected him to.

"its fine. I shouldn't have.. You don't seem in the mood to talk. I shouldn't have approached you. Sorry." Eskel clenches his hands and uncurls them a moment later. "I'll..go grocery shopping now."

Geralt nods, numb. This is what he does. Push his family and friends away. This is what he does.

He is not a good person. 

Eskel's footsteps fade, and the apartment is too empty. Geralt shakes his head, as if shaking away the dark thoughts that threaten to rise, and he steps into his room.

He and ciri don't really need to pack. They're going to be at cintra capital for a maximum of 9 hours, and for most of the trip, they'll be taking in the sights, and visiting the Riannon family burial plot.

He's alone for an hour.

It's cold, despite the heating being on. It's dark, despite the lights being on. His skin feels like it's burning.

The door opens and shuts. He shakes his head and leaves his room, giving Ciri a small smile as she steps inside. She gives him a smile back, and dumps her bag beside the door. 

"when are we leaving?" she askes, and Geralt looks at the clock above the door.

"in 4 hours." he tells her, "we should be there by eight in the morning."

Ciri nods, and steps past Geralt, and to her room. Geralt stands still in the corridor for a moment, fingers fidgeting at his sides. His chest feels heavy.

Maybe he could ask Yenn to take Ciri?

No. No. He couldn't put that on Yenn so suddenly and Ciri would definitely be upset. He couldn't be selfish like that. 

He should get ready. 

He walks back into his room, and it feels as if he hadn't moved at all.

His phone pings, and pings again. He supposes its eskel asking if there was anything specific needed from the store. When he picks up his phone to check, it's actually a couple of texts from jaskier.

His heart picks up, and he bites his lip, contemplating reply, but replies simply in the end. 

_[J] hey, is it okay if I come over? I have a couple new years gifts for you and ciri_

_[J] since you two are going to cintra for new years_

_[G] sure_

_[J] alright, thanks :D_

God, he was pathetic. Why was he so nervous to just reply with a word that small? 

The idea of jaskier being here did lift the heaviness on his chest somewhat. 

It's thirty minutes later that there's a knock at the door and when Geralt opens it up to see Jaskier smiling at him, he's holding a couple bags; and Geralt takes a couple to help him out. 

"hi." Jaskier offers. "so, uh, when are you leaving?"

Geralt bites his lip, "in, uhm, three hours and thirty minutes."

"okay." Jaskier nods. "well, happy new years? I guess? Since I'm not going to be there with you."

Geralt guides Jaskier into the house, and they head into the living room, settling down the bags on the floor. He's not sure what to say. Part of him wants to invite jaskier to come with him, but he doesn't want to assume jaskier would drop everything he probably has planned to go with him and ciri.

They awkwardly sit together, neither of them saying anything.

"so, uh, capital cintra?" Jaskier starts, crossing his legs over one an another and picking at the hem of his trousers. 

"yep." Geralt nods. 

"I see." jaskier smiles. "it must be amazing to see the new years fireworks at Cintra." 

"they are pretty nice." Geralt smiles slightly, recalling when Ciri was smaller, he would sit her on his shoulders and watch the fireworks together. 

"I guess I'll just be watching them from my TV in real time." Jaskier chuckles, rubbing the back of his neck. 

"I assumed you were going to be partying." Geralt tilits his head. 

Jaskier shakes his head, "Triss is busy, and she's my only friend here. My family hosts a ball every new years, but.. Well. I'm here. I'll just be having some wine and probably take a nap through the count down." He laughs. 

"oh." 

Geralt doesn't know what to say. He made all these huge assumptions without anything to really back it up. If anything, well....jaskier seems lonely. Something in his decides that he doesn't like that. 

"do you want to come with us?" he blurts without really thinking. He wants jaskier to come with him. He didn't mean to say that, maybe jaskier would feel pressured to say yes — fuck. 

The singer blinks, and nods furiously, before wrapping his arms around Geralt. 

The mercenary blinks at the sudden embrace, but slowly hugs back. 

"i was waiting for you to ask. But I.. I didn't want to impose." Jaskier stops hugging him. "thank you. I really wasn't looking forward to being alone." 

Geralt nods, and slowly takes Jaskier's hand; just.. Holding it. 

"I want you to come. I was trying to figure out how to ask you. I didn't want to seem clingy or- or forceful." 

Jaskier blows a raspberry and grips Geralt hand back. "nah. You weren't being forceful."

Relief floods Geralt like a dam flooding. 

Jaskier lifts the hand not holding geralts, and cups his cheek. "you look sad. Did something happen?" he asks bluntly, eyes filled with concern.

The static returns. 

And Geralt hates that Jaskier feels worried for him. 

That's all he does. Worry people.

Burden the people he loves. 

He was selfish. Why didn't he ever think of other people?

His skin is tight. 

"Geralt." Jaskier let's go of his hand- _nono._

And uses it to lift his face up by his chin and meet his eyes. Once their eyes meet, he slides his hand to the side, and cups both Geralt's cheeks gently.

"hey." Jaskier murmurs. "I've got you. You don't have to tell me what's bothering you. But I'm here for you"

Geralt almost tears up, almost, but instead he nods slowly and Jaskier pulls him back into an embrace, hands placed firmly on his back.

They pull away again, jaskier smiling reassuringly at him, and making a gesture to the bags of gifts. 

"I got some things for ciri. I know she lived her Nintendo switch, so, uh, I kind of got her a couple of games." Jaskier tells him, and he stands up, going to one of the heavier bags, the one Geralt had taken from him at the door. He picks it up, and lays it on the table. It's a long bag, and when he pulls out a fabric, zipped up, bag from the plastic one holding it; Geralt already has feeling that he knows what this is. 

"I actually commissioned this a while ago.." Jaskier gives him a look, "I'm glad they managed to finish it in time for new years. It sad supposed to be a Christmas present but.." 

He guides Geralt's hand and they both zip it undone together. 

* * *

It's two hours later, Jaskier having left an hour ago to go change into something warmer and nicer, before coming back just in time, that they finally get into the car. 

Eskel is leaning at the doorframe to the apartment and waves as Geralt drives away. In the rear view mirror, Geralt can see him enter back inside the house as they get far enough, and he looks away, and back to the road.

"Jaskier! You're coming with us!" Ciri exclaims, grinning.

"yep." Jaskier nods, smiling back at her. "so when we get there, what are we doing?"

"visiting my family grave." Ciri explains just as cheerful as before, shrugging when Jaskier chokes on his own spit in shock at her tone. 

"you are too okay with that." the musician says, looking back at her.

Ciri shrugs again and Geralt rolls his eyes.

Ciri and Jaskier spend the rest of the trip having banter between each other, and it's the loudest car Geralt had ever been in. 

Until, Jaskier falls asleep in the passengers seat beside Geralt, and Ciri clears her throat. Geralt looks in the rear view mirror again, and she meets his eyes.

"dad.. I have something to tell you." 


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Geralt chews the inside of his cheek, and slowly smiles. "this is.. This is really nice, Jaskier. Thank you." he drags his thumb over the engravings. "what, uh, what does this say?"
> 
> "oh, it's in my home tongue. It says, 'my sun, and my moon. Stay strong.'" his face lights up red. "I know it's cheesy."
> 
> "no, Jask. Its- it's perfect."
> 
> —
> 
> Geralt and ciri talk. Also, new years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to come out on new years irl but uhhhhh,,,, I was busy with my comic.
> 
> The next chapter should be out sooner than later :) this one was pretty wholesome y'all..

_They pull the zipper down together, and the bag opens. Geralt's eyes widen at the gift before him. It's a sword. He slowly takes it out of the bag, and his eyes wander over the sheathed weapon. The scabbard i_ _t_ _self is cornflower blue, with metal flowers decorating it. The flowers, and the edges are accented with gold to stand out from the blue. It looks expensive. He takes a firm grip on the grip of the sword, and pulls it out of the scabbard. It's steel, the metal sturdy and strong. The grip's material is a hard leather with notches to allow a better handle. In the steel itself, there is engraving. It's a language he cannot speak, nor read._

_He is speachless. This is obviously a high quality sword, and he wasn't sure where jaskier could have even found a sword smith to make it._

_He meets jaskier's eyes, mouth slightly open, unsure of what to say._

_"jaskier— this is.."_

_"shush. I don't want to hear it." He shakes his head, smiling. "you've been here for me, Geralt. For such a long time. Without you, I don't know where I would be. So..this is the least I could do." He shrugs._

_Geralt's eyes water, and he looks back at the sword, resting flat on his lap._

_"I saw you, in uh. The video Ciri sent me. You're like a ballerina with a sword. And I wanted to get you something I knew you would like. You told me about your sword dueling matches and I thought, well.. Next time you could use a sword that looks as nice as you."_

_Geralt chews the inside of his cheek, and slowly smiles. "this is.. This is really nice, Jaskier. Thank you." he drags his thumb over the engravings. "what, uh, what does this say?"_

_"oh, it's in my home tongue. It says, 'my sun, and my moon. Stay strong.'" his face lights up red. "I know it's cheesy."_

_"no, Jask. Its- it's perfect."_

* * *

"dad, I have something to tell you."

He glances over at Jaskier peacefully sleeping in the front seat next to him, and then to Ciri. 

He clears his throat, "y-yeah?"

Ciri looks conflicted, and her hands fiddle with her seatbelt.

"I.." she chews her lip, and Geralt's eyes flicker back to the road. "I haven't been completely honest with you."

He nods slowly.

"yesterday, well. I had a date. I know I told you I was just picking up my schedule. But I was actually picking it up from my girlfriend. We hung out the entire day together and she, uh. She convinced me to be honest with you about what's going on at school. "

Geralt nods again, stay silent, letting her say what needs to be said.

"um. I barely passed any of my classes." she blurts out. "okay well. I only passed two. I failed all the other five subjects. And— before you say anything. I did study, I swear, I just-the exams were thrown onto us without any warning and-and they brought up stuff that we hadn't even learnt. I'm not the only one who failed." she panics.

"ciri." He says calmly. "it's.. It's okay. I understand. School isn't always easy. Your grades don't define how smart you are. I know for a fact you're amazingly intelligent. However, if.. If you do need help with anything, I am willing to do anything. Do you want a tutor, or should I talk to your teachers? I am your dad. I'm here to help. "

Geralt was impressed with himself. That come out of nowhere. He thought he was going to mess this up. He thought he would make things worse, like usual. 

Ciri's shoulders drop with relief, and she stops chewing her lip. "to be honest with you? I.. I think I do need a tutor. And it would be really nice if you talked to my teachers."

"I'll ask your mum if she knows any good tutors." he takes a hand off the stearing wheel to wipe his sweat on his jeans.

"she'll make tissaia teach me.." She looks at the car floor, "it's not that I don't like tissaia. It's just that, well.. She patronises me. It's really frustrating. I'm not a baby. I'm just a kid. That doesn't mean I'm an idiot."

"no one thinks you're an idiot, ciri. And if you really feel that way, you should tell Yennefer. She'll talk to tissaia. I swear." he keeps his eyes on the road. "you should take a nap, we have a long day ahead of us."

She sighs and nods, before yawning. She complies, leaning against the car window and closing her eyes.

They finally arrive at Cintra with eight hours to spare, losing the first hour to traffic. Its usually like this during new years. They stop in front of the cemetery, in a parking spot not too far from the gate.

He wakes Ciri up gently, and she yawns and stretches. Jaskier happened to blink awake as Geralt leaned back to shake her shoulder. As Ciri and Geralt get out of the car, he looks around awkwardly. At that, Geralt makes a hand motion for him to come out too.

They all leave the car, and Geralt locks it as they make their way to the gate. The grave cleaner, or cemetery operative, that has worked here for the last couple of years, nods at Geralt and smiles at Ciri as they walk past.

They make their way to the back, to the Riannon mausoleum. Jaskier's oddly quiet, out of respect Geralt assumes.

The mausoleum is covered in flowers and bouquets, probably from some people who still remember Calanthe and Eist. Geralt frowns as Ciri steps on one of the flowers and past it. He forgot that whole she accepted what her grandmother was like, she still didn't quite like her. 

Cir's grandmother was extremely rich. Richer than the Pankratz family and their land. She had owned most of cintra's land, but, while geralt didn't want to disrespect the name of the dead, was in fact quite racist. For the people who lived in the land she owned, especially those who were from around the edge of the continent, she had made their lives hell with taxes and ensuring; with her money, that they would get paid less from their employers.

She was an asshole. And a spiteful old woman. Geralt didn't understand how so many people supported her.

They all stepped into the mausoleum, and as Ciri stepped up to her mother's tribute, she pressed her hand to the stone that had her name carved into it, and her shoulders shake.

She was strong. But that did not dismiss her emotions. 

Jaskier takes Geralt's hand tightly, and they both walk towards Ciri. Geralt puts his hand on her shoulder reasurringly, and Jaskier pats her head gently. 

"we're here." Geralt gets to say, and suddenly he is much more glad for Jaskier's presence. Normally, he would be awkward and stay afar as Ciri mourned. Jaskier gave him the strength to be there for her, and for that he would be forever grateful. 

His words seem to break down ciri's defense. And the dam breaks wide. She sobs, and Geralt let's go of Jaskier's hand and quickly takes her in his arms. 

He was her father. He had to be there for her.

"i love you. Things will be okay." He murmers into her hair, stroking down her back. "I know things are hard. But I'm here." 

"dad." she murmers, "thanks." 

* * *

They end up leaving the cemetery around an hour later. Ciri collects herself in the car, and Geralt starts the engine again. Jaskier sits awkwardly in the passengers seat, still not talking, however the silence was settling. 

They drive around for a bit, and the sadness filling the air leaves after a while. 

"jaskier." Ciri clears her throat. "have-have you ever seen what makes Cintra, Cintra?" 

"hm? No. Why?" 

"dad. Can we go to Queens Palace Square?" She asks brightfully, as if she hadnt been crying near an hour ago. 

Geralt hums, and takes a sharp turn. They drive for around 25 more minutes, around 10 minutes of that is trying to find a parking space. As they park, Ciri excitedly leaves the car and drags Jaskier by the arm as he gets out too.

And as they walk about, and as Jaskier finally spots it, his mouth drops open. 

"woah." 

And there, with people climbing it, wet, and sitting on it, is the statue of Melitele in the middle of a fountain. Geralt wasn't much of a believer, but the statue was huge and even he could tell its a trademark land mark for Cintra capital. The statue was what brought people together here. So he didn't have much complaint. 

"thats—its beautiful." he murmers. "I don't-well I don't really believe in Melitele, but. Wow." 

Ciri grins, nodding. "yeah. Last year I tried climbing all the way to her head and I fell and broke my nose." she blurts. 

Jaskier blinks, and laughs out load. "well. Let's not do that again. Your dad must have had a heart attack." 

"they're claiming up to catch the firework show." Ciri points out, "but its not for another 4 hours."

"yesh. Talk about being prepared." Jaskier shrugs, and Geralt nods. 

"how do you guys feel about food?" Geralt asks. 

Both Ciri and Jaskier grin and nod. He guesses that's been decided. 

They head towards the street leading to the square, and find a couple of restraunts open, which is a miracle considering its new years. 

They enter in, and Geralt frowns as the restraunt isn't in English, or any language he really knows. That makes ordering a lot more difficult.

"this is uh.." Geralt blinks.

"it's korean." Ciri prompts, looking around. "oh, look! They have one of those digital menu things. They probably have a English option."

Jaskier and Ciri both approach it, and Geralt trails behind slowly. 

"uhmm.." Ciri presses around the screen, "oh, here we go. They have these stews. I'm gonna get a tofu one."

Jaskier glances at the screen. "those look nice. The uh, Chicken Bao buns?"

"dad, what are you getting?"

Geralt cautiously looks at the screen, shrugging. "I'm not sure." he bites his lip, "hm. The rice plate with meat looks nice."

Ciri presses his order in, and the checkout menu appears. Jaskier and Geralt pull out their cards simultaneously. 

"I'm paying." Geralt insists.

"psh. No way. You drove us here. Gas money is hella expensive." Jaskier shakes his head. "let me pay for this, at least."

"Jaskier." Geralt frowns. "I'm not- I can pay for this."

Jaskier gives him a look, a frown settling in his face. "I never said you couldn't. But you shouldnt. I can cover this."

"our stuff is more pricey than yours, it's not fair for you to pay it all." Geralt pushes him aside. "I got this."

Jaskier grits his teeth and pushes back. "no way."

Ciri sighs, "you guys could just split it?"

Geralt's eyes meet Jaskiers calmly and they both let go of the tension surrounding them. 

"you pay. I'll transfer over 10 orens." Jaskier nods.

The order goes through and they end up having to wait almost an hour for their food, but Geralt didn't really mind, and he wasn't about to get angry at the staff because he knows they're doing their best. 

When their order number is finally called out, Jaskier goes to the counter and get the bags of food. They sit down at a table that's outside of the restaurant and dig in. 

Ciri's stew is messy and Geralt has to remind her to wipe off her face multiple times, and scolds her when she almost uses her sleeve. Jaskier's lips are painted with a orange-ish red from the sauce on his chicken buns, and he huffs at the spiciness. When he looks over at Ciri and Geralt, both the father and daughter begin to laugh. Even geralt cant hold back his laughter at how distraught Jaskier seems.

"'s not funny." Jaskier huffs again, "it's spicy."

Geralt's on the verge of tears.

Jaskier pouts, and relents, continuing to eat his bao buns. 

Eventually the mercenary grants Jaskier mercy, and stops laughing, grabbing a napkin and leaning over. Jaskier pauses, watching his hand approach him with caution. 

He wipes off the sauce off his lips and the hit on his cheeks.

"there we go. Here." He gives Jaskier a finger to wait, and opens up Ciri's bag that he helped her pack. He takes out a water bottle out of the six pack he put In there and hands it to Jaskier. "drink."

The singer chugs the water, before using the back of his hand to wipe his mouth.

"thanks."

They sit there for another hour, just talking and having jokes. Ciri endlessly tells Jaskier about Geralt not knowing what animal crossing is, teasing her father with a smirk. Jaskier's in a mood where he laughs at anything, even if it's not remotely funny, so most of her cheesy jokes end up making him hysterical. And Geralt can't help but watch his two favourite people get along with a happiness he hasn't felt in a good while.

Eventually the restraunt closes and they have to head to the square again to watch the fireworks. 

They make it in time to get a good spot, by the fountain. And just like that, it feels like everything fades away as fireworks go off. 

It's a 10 second count down, with the fireworks as numbers in the air. With every pop into the sky, the crowd yells out the number. Jaskier takes his hand, Behind Ciri where she sits between them watching the sky. 

5\. 4. 3. 2.

1.

Ciri cheers out loudly with the crowd and Jaskier joins her brightfully. Geralt just looks over at them with a look of adoration he would hate for anyone to see. 

Before he knows it, Geralt leans over Ciri towards Jaskier and kisses him. 

"happy new years, Jaskier." 

Jaskier smiles bashfully. "Happy New years, Geralt." 

And in between them, Ciri rolls her eyes. 

the singer and the mercenary grin at each other before, at the same time, they say," Happy new years, Ciri."

And everything comes back. 

And Geralt couldn't have asked for anything more. 


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back home, Geralt feels suffocated. He doesn't know what's different about it, than when he's on the road. He feels like he has an itch he cannot scratch. 
> 
> He takes another contract, in hopes that maybe that would satisfy that itch.
> 
> Meanwhile, Jaskier is unpacks and finally feels at home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was a lot more Geralt focused. sorry lol.

They've arrived back home now, around ten hours after New year's. Ciri's absolutely tuckered out and Jaskier seems tired too. It's been a long trip. He drops jaskier off at his new place, memorising the way there and to his house so that he could visit later. As Jaskier leaves, he rounds over to the other side of the car, and taps the window. Geralt brings it down, and Jaskier grabs his jacket and pulls him close to him. Gerslt finds their lips touching before he knows what's happening, and he's not mad about it.

"see you later, Geralt." Jaskier smiles as he pulls away.

Geralt's face feels hot, "see you later, Jaskier."

He watches Jaskier enter his new place, before driving away.

Ciri's still asleep in the back, and as they park up to the house Geralt doesnt have the heart to wake her up. He leaves the car, and opens Ciri's door. He gently reaches over and picks her up, cradling her to his chest. He hadn't picked her up like this since she was smaller.

He knocks at the door with his foot, considering his hands are full and he can't pull out his keys. The door opens moments later, Eskel in his pajamas.

"happy new years." he blinks blearily, and steps aside for Geralt to walk in.

Geralt snorts, rolling his eyes, and makes his way to Ciri's room. He settles her onto her bed, tucking her in. She moves around a bit, but settles easily. 

He leaves, and closes the door behind him. 

Eskel seems to have retreated back into his room, but he's not asleep, as Geralt can hear him talking. 

He approaches his brother's room, and knocks on the door before entering. 

"hey. Who're you talking to?" he asks, yawning. 

Eskel gives him a look, and from that Geralt can guess who, "lambert. He's been spam calling me since the clock hit midnight. I was asleep." 

He laughs lightly, "tell him I said hi." 

"he can hear you" Eskel slurs, rubbing his hand down his face. "'m tired." 

"I can tell." He nods. "you should get some sleep. Lambert, call in the morning." 

He can faintly hear his brother's voice from Eskel's earphones. 

"he says its 10 AM and we should be awake anyways." Eskel groans. 

Geralt rolls his eyes. "suck a dick, Lamb. We're tired." 

Eskel laughs, and Geralt can hear lambert yelling into his brother's ears profusely. 

"right well.. Get some sleep." Geralt nods to the scarred man, and steps out of the room. 

He goes to his room, undressed into his pajamas and collapses onto his bed. He welcomes the soft sheets and blanket with open arms. 

When he wakes up, it's to Ciri at his door. 

"dad! Da-ad" she whines. "Uncle Eskel is trying to make breakfast and I'm afraid he's going to burn the house down." 

"hey! I'm a good cook!" he hears his brother's voice from the kitchen. 

He rises groggily, and opens his door. Ciri stares up at him, and frowns intensely. 

"umm." she glances away. "nevermind. Go back to sleep. You look tired." 

Geralt shakes his head. "'m fine. Just need coffee." 

Something isn't right. 

He shrugs it off, and ties his hair up. 

He walks into the kitchen, and grabs his apron off the hook like routine. He opens the fridge, and finds it renewed with all types of groceries. 

"oh, uh. I didn't know what type of cheeses I should get. So, I kind of got all of them?" Eskel cringes as Geralt grabs the cheddar cheese from the stack of other cheeses. 

"its fine." Geralt says, eyes blank as he grabs eggs and some milk. 

He settles everything on the counter, and whisks all the eggs in a bowl, preheating the frying pan, and adding a bit of milk into the eggs. 

As the pan heats up, he pours the eggs into it and listens to it sizzle for a bit before grating some cheese over it. He finishes the first omelette, putting it on a plate for ciri, and repeats the process again. He settles Eskel's omelette in front of him and turns on the coffee machine. He puts his elbows on the counter, hands on his face as he waits for the click of the coffee being done. 

"you're not looking so well, dad." Ciri chews her bottom lip, not touching her food. 

Eskel glances at ciri. "do me a favour, kid. Grab your dad's meds from the bathroom." 

She stands, before pausing. "which ones?" 

"the white and green ones. Uhh, last I checked they were in the far right of the cabinet." 

Geralt lifts his head up as Ciri leaves the room, sighing. He pours his cup of coffee. "you didn't need to tell her to do that. I'm fine. Just-just tired." 

"hm. I know what tired looks like. This isn't it." Eskel mutters, and smiles as Ciri walks back in with the bottle of pills. 

"four right?" He grabs the bottle, and pours four tablets onto his hand. 

Geralt blinks. Was it four? 

"Geralt?" 

He looks at his brother, waiting for him. 

He clears his throat, shaking his head. "no. Its.. Two." He clarifies. 

His brother pops two tablets back into the bottle and puts the other two into the mercenaries hand. 

Geralt fiddles with the medication for a bit, before swallowing it and washing it down with coffee. 

Ciri seemingly relaxs now that he's taken his meds, and digs into her food. He watches as she eats, and when she finally finishes her plate, he grabs it and washes it slowly. 

Eskel's still eating.

He waits. 

As ciri leaves, back to her room, Eskel glances at Geralt. 

"so, you a housewife or something now? Waiting for me to finish so you can clean up?" he directs his gaze back down to his omelette. "do something, Geralt."

The mercenary clenches his fist around the handle of his cup. He looks around. He-he doesn't know what to do. 

He's had such a strict routine now. 

When was the last time he did something of importance? 

When was the last time he had a contract? 

He hasn't even glanced at his client list in what feels like months. 

The void returns. 

The dark coffee in his cup overflows and burns his hands. But he doesn't react. It doesn't hurt. It's just numb. Eskel is talking. But he can't hear him. 

There is an itch to do something. Make himself useful. Like he was made to be. 

He needs to hurt someone. 

"Geralt." his brother's voice snaps him out of it. "you good, there?" 

"im fine." he says dryly. He puts his cup down and walks out the room without another word. 

He takes out his burner phone from his locked dresser, and looks at his client list. 

He grips the phone tightly, was he going to go back into this? Maybe it's time he found a safe job. 

No. No. This is what he was made to do. 

He presses dial to a random name, and he is answered quick enough. 

"hello?" 

"you called me two months ago. Offered me a contract. Is it still available?" 

The client takes a moment. "you called very suddenly. But yes. It is." 

"and you understand the circumstances of my contract?" 

"I mustn't talk about this to anyone. It's completely confidential, on both ends. And I am to pay you half upfront and half after it is done." 

"hm." He closed his eyes. "who's the target?" 

* * *

Unpacking the last of things, Jaskier finally felt like he could pat himself on the back. He walked around his new apartment, looking around in amazement. it did really look nice. sunlight flushed through the curtains into the living room, and the warmth spread onto Jaskier's face. He couldn't help but sigh out in relief, he had nothing left to do. he could finally just laze around. He grabbed his phone from the coffee table, and took a photo of the living room; sending it to Geralt with a text following it up.

[Attached photo]

[J] i can finally say im proud of my self.

when he didn't get a reply within twenty minutes, Geralt's usual timing, he frowned to himself. It wasn't something to be worried about. Geralt was an adult, a parent. he was probably busy. _what if he's ignoring you again? _

he was sure they got past that, and he hadn't done anything recently to annoy Geralt, so he wasn't just ignoring him out of spite. what if something happened?

[J] hey?

[...]

[J] i don't want to be annoying and worry over nothing

[J] you'd tell me if something's wrong, right?

[...]

[G] i'm okay. sorry, i just saw your text.

[G] the apartment looks nice. did you finish unpacking?

Jaskier smiled , scolding himself mentally. he worried over nothing. he didn't need to be so clingy.

[J] yeah

[J] it was pretty tough putting up some guitar holders on the walls of my room

[J] but it was pretty easy once i got the hang of it

[J] i even have a spare room if you ever wanna stay over haha ;)

[G] i'm going to pretend i never saw that.

[G] i'm working again, so i might be a bit busy for a bit now

[G] if i don't reply for a while, i'm not ignoring you.

[J] just off killing people?

[G] you could say that

[J] seriously tho, be safe. 

after Geralt stopped replying, Jaskier settled his phone down, and stared around the room again, still in shock about where he was. The sun continued to shine into the room, and Jaskier felt as if he could use a well deserved cat nap, right there on the sofa. he laid down, stretching out before closing his eyes.

* * *

Standing across the street from the target he was told about, he watched him coldly. He definitely wont mind killing someone like this. His new target was a ceo of a up-and-coming tech company and his rival was his employer. however, this man was disgusting, showing off his money and hitting on every woman that passed him. He was currently in a coffee shop Geralt hadn't ever heard about, and whenever an employee would do anything at all he would ask for a manager. 

this shouldn't be hard. just spike his drink. this is one of the easiest things he could ever do.

He walked over, pulling his cap down, spilling over the cup of coffee on purpose. the coffee landed on the man's lap, and he gasped, dramatically.

"what the fuck, dude? ugh. You!" He pointed towards a young teenage girl, who was wearing the apron of the shop. "another coffee, immediately."

He stood, and walked into the bathroom, grabbing napkins on his way there. Geralt fiddled with the packet in his pocket and waited till the girl came back with another coffee. As she walked away, he sneaked a glance behind him, and opened up the cup and poured in the packet. He put the lid back on quickly, and left quickly. he went back to his post across the street and watched the man again. As he took a sip, he almost immediately started choking and gasping for air. Geralt could feel goosebumps on his arms as he watched him pass out. 

it wasn't enough. it wasn't violent enough. it wasn't bloody enough.

He breathes heavily as someone starts shaking the man on the ground. He walks away with quick steps and grabs his phone. He calls his employer and let's them know its been done.

He is not satisfied. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was shorter than I wanted it to be sorry :/ we're on a hill rn and we're making our way to the top. Things are going to happen soon. I promise


End file.
